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Bert Leston Taylor. The So-called Human Race
The So-called Human Race
Table of Contents
[p v] WORLD WITHOUT END
[p vii] Foreword
By Henry B. Fuller
[p xi] The So-Called Human Race
[p 1] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
SIMPLE
[p 2] NO DOUBT THERE ARE OTHERS
[p 3] AN OBSERVANT KANSAN. [From the Emporia Gazette.]
THE GIRL OF THE PERIOD
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “ALMOST”! [From the Cedar Rapids Republican.]
WE’LL TELL THE PLEIADES SO
WHERE ’VANGIE LIES. Rondeau Sentimental to Evangeline, the Office Goat
[p 6] THE SECOND POST. (Letter from an island caretaker.)
HEARD IN THE BANK
TO A WELL-KNOWN GLOBE
[p 15] HOME TIES
THEY FOUND THEM IN THE ALLEY
THE TOONERVILLE TROLLEY
O WILD! O STRANGE! “That wild and strange thing, the press.”—H. G. Wells
[p 19] THE POPOCATEPETL OF APPRECIATION. [From the Paris, Ill., News.]
GARDENS
GOOD NIGHT! [From the Omaha Bee.]
[p 25] Gilded Fairy Tales
(Revised and regilded for comprehension by the children of the very rich.) THE BABES IN THE WOOD
I
[p 27] II
III
[p 30] LITTLE RED RIDING-HOOD
I
II
[p 33] JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
I
II
III
[p 39] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
“FAY CE QUE VOULDRAS.”
THE DELIRIOUS CRITIC [From the Sheridan, Wyo., Enterprise.]
SOMEWHERE IN THE MICHIGAN WOODS
[p 45] BLAKE COMES BACK
EVERYBODY CAME IN A FORD [From the Milwaukee Sentinel.]
SHE SAT APART
THE G. P. P
BEG YOUR PARDON
YES?
[p 51] THE MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
THE ENRAPTURED REPORTER [From the White Salmon Enterprise.]
EVERYTHING CONSIDERED, THE COMMA IS THE MOST USEFUL MARK OF PUNCTUATION [From the El Paso Journal.]
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER [From the Walsh County, N. D., Record.]
THE ENRAPTURED REPORTER; OR, IT INDEED WAS [From the St. Andrew’s Bay, Fla., News.]
CONTRETEMPS IN WYOMING SOCIETY [From the Sheridan Post.]
MERCIFULLY SEPARATED
ACADEMY NOTES
TO MARY GARDEN—WITH A POSTSCRIPT
Postscriptum
ACADEMY JOTTINGS
I SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE AIR, IT WENT RIGHT THROUGH MISS BURROUGHS’ HAIR [From the Dallas Bulletin.]
AS JOYCE KILMER MIGHT HAVE SAID [Kit Morley in the New York Evening Post.] “The Chicago Tribune owns forests of pulp wood.” —Full-page advt
THE SECOND POST [A Swedish lady seeks congenial employment.]
A WISCONSIN PARABLE [From the Fort Atkinson Union.]
HE SHOULD
WHY THE EDITOR BEAT IT [From the Marengo Republican-News.]
HERE IT IS AGAIN [From the classified ads.]
AFTER READING HARVEY’S WEEKLY
DOXOLOGY
MY DEAR, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN FRED! [From the Milwaukee Sentinel.]
OFT IN THE STILLY WISCONSIN NIGHT
[p 67] The Delectable River
I.—DOCTOR MAYHEW’S SHOP
II.—THE RIVER
III.—SMUDGE
IV.—“BOGWAH.”
V.—FINE FEATHERS
VI.—THALASSA!
[p 79] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
ARMS AND THE COLYUM
WE FEARED WE HAD STARTED SOMETHING
THEY’RE OFF!
SWEETLY INEFFECTIVE
BUT APROPOS
SORRY. THERE WERE SEVERAL IN LINE AHEAD OF YOU
THE SECOND POST [Received by a clothing company.]
“THOSE FLAPJACKS OF BROWN’S.” (Postscriptum.)
THE DICTATERS
THINGS WORTH KNOWING
THE SECOND POST [Received by a construction company.]
BALLADE OF THE OUBLIETTE
SUCH A ONE MIGHT HAVE DRAWN PRIAM’S CURTAIN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, AND TOLD HIM HALF HIS TROY WAS BURNED [From the Eagle Grove, Ia., Eagle.]
THE ENRAPTURED REPORTER [From the Lewisville, Ark., Recorder.]
FULL OF HIS SUBJECT [From the Evansville, Ind., Courier.]
THAT TRIOLET DRIVEL
[p 96] ENGLISH AS SHE IS MURDERED
BUT WOULD IT NOT REQUIRE A GEOLOGIC PERIOD?
THE STORM (By a girl of ten years.)
THE EIGHTH VEIL (By J-mes Hun-k-r.)
THE TRACERS ARE AT WORK
A DAY WITH LORD DID-MORE “Mr. Hearst is the home brew; no other hope.” —The Trib
THE SECOND POST [From a genius in Geneseo, Ill.]
BOLSHEVISM OF LONG AGO
“LEMME UP, DARLING! LEMME UP!” [From the Detroit Free Press.]
[p 109] Alice in Cartoonland
I
II
III
IV
V
VI
[p 115] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
IT HAS BEEN DONE
“ON SUCH A NIGHT …” [From the Bethany, Mo., Clipper.]
TEMPERATURE
[p 118] LET US PERISH, RATHER, BY DEGREES
[p 119] HYMN OF HATE. (Reprinted at request of Mr. Hoover.)
FOR WHICH MUCH THANKS
THE SECOND POST [An order for a picture.]
A FIG FOR CEREMONY! [From the East Peoria Post.]
[p 123] THE SECOND POST. [Received by the Chief of Police of Wichita, Kas.]
OPEN THE GATES!
MISTER TOBIN, EDUCATOR
VARIANT OF THE VALVE-HANDLE WHEEZE (Received by a drug concern.)
THE VALVE-HANDLE SNEEZE
THE SANDS OF TIME
THE TRUTH AT LAST!
THINK OF IT!
THE ENRAPTURED SOCIETY EDITOR [From the Charlotte, Ky., Chronicle.]
THE MISCHIEVOUS MAKE-UP MAN [From the Markesan, Wis., Herald.]
WHY THE MAKE-UP MAN LEFT TOWN [From the Grinnell Review.]
COOL, INDEED! [From the Tuttle, N. D., Star.]
RHYMED DEVOTION. [Robert Louis Stevenson to his wife.]
A NEW FIRM IN FISH [From the Kearney Neb., Democrat.]
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE HE WANTS? [Received by Farm Mechanics.]
[p 138] “USELESS VERBIAGE.” [From an abstract of title.]
INGENIOUS CALIFORNIA PARADOX [From the Oakland Post.]
ALMOST
[p 139] The Witch’s Holiday
A TALE FOR CHILDREN ONLY
I
II
III
IV
V
VI
[p 153] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
“THE FRIEND OF THE PEOPLE.”
IF YOU MUST KISS, KISS THE DOCTOR [From “How to Avoid Influenza.”]
QUICK, WATSON, THE PLUMBER! [From the Cedar Rapids Gazette.]
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY CLIMATE, AND FORGIVE US OUR DROPS IN TEMPERATURE! [From the Pasadena Star-News.]
VARIANT OF A MORE OR LESS WELL KNOWN STORY [From the Exeter, Neb., News.]
THE WORLD’S GREATEST WINTER RESORT
THE VILLAGE OMAR LOSES HIS OUTFIT [From the Fort Dodge Messenger.]
[p 160] “TWEET! TWEET!” GOES THE ENRAPTURED REPORTER. [From the Sterling Gazette.]
[p 161] A SPLENDID RECOVERY. [Waukesha, Wis., item.]
HOW FAST THE LEAVES ARE FALLING! [From the Waterloo Courier.]
HOW SOON IT GETS DARK THESE DAYS! [From the Pillager, Minn., Herald.]
UPON JULIA’S ARCTICS
A GOOD MOTTO
WHY THE MAKE-UP FLED [From the Dodge Center Record.]
BRAHMS, OPUS 116
MUSIC HINT
[p 168] THE HUNTING OF THE PACIFIST SNARK. (With Mr. Ford as the Bellman.)
SORRY WE MISSED YOU
OUR BOYS [From the Sheridan, Wyo., Enterprise.]
IN A DEPARTMENT STORE
[p 174] THE SOIL OF KANSAS. [From the Kansas Farmer.]
THE GOOD OLD DAYS
“WHAT THE LA HELLE!” [From the Kankakee Republican.]
[p 177] The London Busman Story
I.—As George Meredith might have related it
II.—As Henry James might have written it
III.—As finally elucidated by Arnold Bennett
[p 183] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
APRILLY
[p 184] “SPRING HAS COME …”
BYRON WROTE MOST OF THIS [From the Monticello Times.]
A CANNERY DANCE [From the Iowa City Press.]
FOR THE LAST DAY OF MARCH
CHANCES, 2; ERRORS, 2
SMACK! SMACK!
MARCH
LITERATURE
SONG [In the manner of Laura Blackburn.]
THE BELLS OF FROGNAL LANE
LETTER IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WEDDING PRESENT
A FEW MORE “BEST BAD LINES.”
SEIZE HIM, SCOUTS!
“THAT’S GOOD.”
WHY BANK CLERKS ARE TIRED
[p 199] “NATION-WIDE.”
BETTER ENGLISH IN THE BEANERY
HAPPY THOUGHT
[p 207] The Magic Kit
A FAIRY TALE FOR SYMPATHETIC ELDERS
I
[p 209] II
III
IV
[p 215] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
TO B. L. T (Quintus Horatius Flaccus loquitur.)
BRIGHT SAYINGS OF MOTHER
[p 217] “THAT STRAIN AGAIN—IT HAD A DYING SNORT.”
MEMORY TESTS FOR THE HOME
LEVI BEIN’ A GOOD SPORT
LOST AND FOUND. [Song in the manner of Laura Blackburn.]
[p 229] JUST A REHEARSAL. [From the Elgin News.]
LAME IN BOTH REGISTERS? [From the Decatur Review.]
FLORAL POME (Sign on Ashland Ave.: “Vlk the Florist.”)
THE SECOND POST [Example of pep and tact.]
WHY THE DOG LEFT TOWN [From the Newton, Ia., News, Dec. 2.]
THE PASSIONATE PURE FOOD EXPERT TO HIS LOVE
[p 236] OH, DON’T YOU REMEMBER SWEET MARY, BEN BOLT?
INDIFFERENCE
[p 237] Mr. Dubbe’s Program Study Class
(ACCOMPANYING THE SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA CONCERTS.) Reported by Miss Poeta Pants
I.—THE NEAPOLITAN SIXTH
II
III
IV
V
VI
[p 251] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
THE PASSING OF SUMMER
WHYNOTT? [From the Boston Globe.]
IT MUST BE ABOUT TIME
POETRY (Lord Dunsany.)
A CHANGE FROM LATIN ROOTS [From the Reedsburg, Wis., Free Press.]
THE SECOND POST [Received by a wholesale grocery house, from an Italian customer.]
DENTAL FLOSS
JUST ABOUT
[p 259] JAW JINGLES
“NATURE NEVER DID DECEIVE …”
[p 260] NO. 68, COUNTING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT. [From the Goshen, Ind., Democrat.]
COMMERCIAL CANDOR
[p 261] FAREWELL! (By Poeta.)
AN UNCOMMONLY HAPPY THOUGHT (A. J. Balfour, Letter to Mary Gladstone, 1891.)
THE SECOND POST [The editor of the Winneconne, Wis., Local to his flock.]
THE DAY OF “DON’TS.”
A BALANCED TUITION
OPINION CONCURRED IN
TRANSCENDENTAL CALM
THIS REFERS, OF COURSE, TO FRANCE [From Faguet’s “Cult of Incompetence.”]
[p 267] AN IOWA ROMANCE. [From the Clinton Herald.]
WE SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED [From the Idaho Falls Register.]
COME INTO THE GARDEN, MAUD [From the Tavares, Fla., Herald.]
AND HOW CALM THE OCEAN IS! [Correspondence from Florida.]
[p 269] POEMS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED. Between the Barn and the Woodhouse
THE PHILOSOPHY OF BALDNESS
[p 271] A DEAD SHOT. [From the Mt. Carmel, Ill., Republican.]
IT WOULD PUT ’EM ON THE STAGE
[p 273] Vacation Travels
[p 283] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
COUNTRY LIFE IN AMERICA
THERE WERE IMMORTALS BEFORE JET WIMP
CONTRIBUTIONS THAT HAVE AMUSED US
SHE PREFERRED HER PSYCHOPATHY STRAIGHT
THANKS TO MISS MONROE’S MAGAZINE
TRADE CLASSICS
DENATURED LIMERICKS
MY LOVE, DID YOU KNOW THERE WERE SO MANY KINDS OF MAIDS? [From the Derbyshire Advertiser.]
THE SECOND POST [Result of a collection letter that drew a sum on account.]
YES, SOMETIMES WE THROW THE WHOLE MAIL AWAY WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT [From the Madison State Journal.]
ALL RIGHT, DAISY
THE SHY AND LOWLYS
HE MIGHT TRIM THE VIOLETS
[p 303] TRADE ADIEUS
[p 305] Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
BEING A FEW HITHERTO UNPUBLISHED PAGES FROM HIS JOURNAL
I
II
[p 309] A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO
THE BROODING DOVE
A STERN PEDAGOGUE [From the Antelope, Montana, local.]
SHE NOT ONLY HAS A BOOK. SHE HAS TWO!
YES, YES
YE STUFF
[p 313] DATED
YOU KNOW THE TUNE
THE TREE TOADS
[p 315] THE RIDER AND THE ADDER
THE CHIGGER
A VERSATILE CHAP [From the Turton, S. D., Trumpet.]
ACT II., SCENE II
[p 321] THE JANITOR ENTERTAINS. [Iowa City Item.]
VARIANT OF THE V. H. W
CRUELLE ET INSOLITE [Transfer slip, Peninsular Railway Co.]
[p 322] HIGH, LOW, JACK, AND THE GAME
MORNING IN IOWA
AN EVENING WITH SHAKESPEARE
YOURS, ETC
[p 325] HE OUGHT TO BE DEPORTED
[p 326] NOTES OF THE ACADEMY OF IMMORTALS
BUTCHER TO THE ACADEMY
ACADEMY NOTES
WE DON’T LIKE TO THINK OF IT! [From the Cambridge Review.]
THE SECOND POST [Received by a mail order house.]
[p 329] THE SECOND POST. [Received by a Birmingham concern.]
CUPID CARRIES A CARD
ANNOUNCEMENT!
