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Alex Shaw. Shall We Sing a Song For You?
CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
FOREWORD by Jeff Winter
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER ONE: OLDIES BUT GOODIES
‘YOU’RE NOT SINGING ANYMORE’
CONTINUING THE THEME…
‘WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?’
‘WALKING IN A … WONDERLAND’
‘BY FAR THE GREATEST TEAM’
‘YOU’RE SHIT, AND YOU KNOW YOU ARE’
‘QUE SERA, SERA’
‘DO-DO-DO-DO’
‘WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED’
‘E-I-E-I-O’
‘GUANTANAMERA’
WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF SINGING…
MY GARDEN SHED
CONTINUING THE TUNE…
HEY JUDE
‘GIVE US A WAVE’
BEST OF THE REST
CHAPTER TWO: FUNNIES
IT’S A COMPETITIVE FIELD, BUT…
TWO KERRYS
WITH LOVE FROM ACROSS THE POND…
‘YOU DO THE CRISTIANO’
‘VIVA JOHN TERRY’
‘BOOGIE’
‘I’M ’AVIN’ THAT’
‘HEY NICKY’
HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, KID
‘NEVILLE NEVILLE’
‘IT’LL END IN TEARS’
WOOLIES
‘SUMMER HOLIDAY’
‘WE PAY YOUR SPONSORSHIP’
‘YOUR CAR’S TOO FAST FOR YOU’
‘YOU AIN’T GOT NO HISTORY’
‘SHALL WE POACH AN EGG FOR YOU?’
‘DEEP FRY YOUR PIZZA’
‘WANKY WEST HAM’
‘COS MAYBE…’
‘FOOTBALL IN A LIBRARY’
TERRACE BATTLES PART ONE…
TERRACE BATTLES PART TWO…
TERRACE BATTLES PART THREE…
TERRACE BATTLES NORTH OF THE BORDER…
TERRACE HUMOUR
IT’S FUNNY ’COS IT’S TRUE…
OLDHAM
‘SHE’S HERE, SHE’S THERE…’
ON THE SUBJECT OF PLAYING AWAY…
LASAGNE
‘WE FED IT TO PARK’
‘WE WANNA KNOW’
PANTS DOWN
‘AND IT’S DUBERRY’S FAULT’
‘TEN MEN AND THEIR MOBILE PHONES’
’COS ASHLEY WANTS HIS BUM
‘UGLY TREE’
‘YOUR WIFE’
‘YOU’RE WELSH’
‘ONE SHOE’
‘WHO LET THE FROGS OUT?’
‘YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED ON THE TELLY’
DUTCH SCHTEVE…
‘WE CAN’T SEE YOU’
‘YOUR COAT’S FROM MATALAN’
HAVANT AND WATERLOOVILLE
TAKING ‘CAN WE PLAY YOU EVERY WEEK?’ TO THE NEXT LEVEL…
‘THAT’S WHY WE LET YOU GO’
‘I WILL SURVIVE’
‘THAT’S ZAMORA’
‘HE’S GOING GREEN IN A MINUTE’
‘COULDN’T HANDLE HIS STELLA’
‘THE GAZA’S NOT YOURS’
‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING’
‘BEES UP’
‘YOUR MUM…’
‘IF YOU LOVE GOLDEN WONDER’
‘WE’RE ONLY HERE…’
‘OH MY GOD’
‘DOES THE CIRCUS KNOW YOU’RE HERE?’
‘GET YOUR MASCOT OFF’
‘CHAS AND DAVE’
MICHAEL OWEN
NON-FLYING DUTCHMAN
‘HIS NAME IS RIO’
‘STAYED IN A BURGER’
‘DODGY DVD’
‘CARRA’S BIT ON THE SIDE’
‘GIVE HIM A CHANCE’
INNUENDO
‘DUNC AND DISORDERLY’
LIVERPOOL
‘ONE JOB’
‘SIT DOWN PINOCCHIO’
‘OVER-ELABORATING’
QUE SERA, SERA (AGAIN)
DELUSIONAL
BRIGHTON…
‘IT’S BLUE, IT’S SQUARE’
GUANTANAMERA…
‘WITH A WALKING STICK AND A ZIMMER FRAME…’
‘THERE’S ONLY ONE JACK FROST’
‘SUPER CASINO? YOU’RE HAVING A LAUGH’
‘YOU’RE NOT AS GOOD AS CHRISTMAS’
‘THE AUTOGLASS TROPHY’
‘WHO’S UP MARY BROWN?’
‘VERA’S DEAD!’
THIS IS NOT JUST SHOPLIFTING, IT’S MARKS AND SPENCER’S SHOPLIFTING…
‘U2’
GHOST GOAL…
CHAPTER THREE: HERO WORSHIP
‘BALDY-HEADED WARREN FEENEY’
‘SANTA CRUZ IS COMING TO TOWN’
‘I’VE GOT CURLY HAIR TOO’
‘OH ANDY HUNT’
‘LEAVE OUR SVEN ALONE’
‘LET’S TALK ABOUT CESC’
‘COME ON AND DO THE CONGA!’
RONALDINHO
‘WE’RE HALFWAY THERE’
‘LITTLE LORD HEALY’
‘RAFA’S BEARD’
A WORD FROM CROUCHY…
‘HE’S BIG, HE’S SCOUSE’
THEY KEEP ON COMING…
WHOA!
AND MORE…
FABREGAS CATCHES ON…
JOLLY GOOD FELLOWS…
‘BOOM BOOM BOOM’
‘…WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU’
‘FELLAI-NI-NI-NI’
‘OH HABIB BEYE’
‘ARE YOU OKAY NANI?’
‘WHAT’S THAT COMING OVER THE HILL?’
‘HE LOVES THIS CITY’
‘DON’T CHA WANT SOME KOMPANY?’
‘DON’T CHA’ PART TWO…
‘VINCE GRELLA, ELLA, ELLA’
‘HE DRINKS SANGRIA’
‘YOU DO THE MARADONA’
IT WAS ABOUT TIME…
‘MY OLE SOLSKJAER’
PORN
‘WE’VE GOT TINY COX’
‘FORMER DUTCH MARINE’
‘HE PAINTS AND DECORATES’
‘SHOULDN’T LIGHT HIS FARTS’
MORE ‘GO WEST’
HOW TO UPSET MUSLIMS…
‘YOUR MAMA TOO’
‘QUE SERA, SERA’ PART THREE…
BEST OF THE REST…
SORRY SOL…
‘WHAT CAN YOU PLAY?’
IT WAS A MATTER OF TIME…
HYMNS
‘KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU’
‘YOU’RE SO VAIN’
‘MAKES RONALDO LOOK SHITE’
WHEN THEY LOVED HIM…
WHEN THEY LOVED HIM PART TWO…
WHEN THEY LOVED HIM PART THREE…
WHEN THEY LOVED HIM PART FOUR…
‘TOOK ONE LOOK AT CITY’
‘ROUND AND ROUND’
THEY’LL ALWAYS LOVE HIM
TIME FOR ABBA
‘EL-HADJI DIOUF WILL SPIT ON YOU’
‘I PREDICT A FRYATT’
‘LOVE WILL TEAR US APART’
‘KNIGHT FEVER’
‘ON HIS HEAD’
ALWAYS ON MY MIND…
‘OOH-AAH’
X-RATED
‘RED DOG’
‘SHOW US URAS’
‘21 OR 28?’
‘WE DON’T NEED VIAGRA’
‘EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US’
‘FEED THE GOAT’
‘LIVERPOOL’S NUMBER NINE’
‘HE’S AN ENGLISHMAN AT ARSENAL’
‘ODE TO CITY GROUND’
‘IS THAT ALL SHE GETS?’
‘THREE FAT GOONERS’
‘SEXIST ARMY’
‘SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM’
‘YOU’RE INDESTRUCTIBLE’
‘BUY OUR CLUB’
‘SUPER-PAV’
‘ROBBIE FOWLER HOUSE’
’MOROCCAN ALL OVER THE WORLD’
‘WE’LL TAKE MORE CARE OF YOU’
BISHOP-BASHING
‘HE SWAM AWAY’
‘SEX ON FIRE’
‘IN THE MIDDLE’
‘WE HAD JOY’
‘WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SWEAR’
‘HIS NAME IS FAR TOO LONG’
‘BETTER THAN ZIDANE’
‘HIS DAD OWNS A CHIPPY’
MICHAEL OWEN
CHAPTER FOUR: DOING THE 92
ACCRINGTON STANLEY
AFC BOURNEMOUTH
ALDERSHOT
ARSENAL
ASTON VILLA
BARNET
BARNSLEY
BIRMINGHAM CITY
BLACKBURN ROVERS
BLACKPOOL
BOLTON
BRADFORD CITY
BRENTFORD
BRIGHTON AND HOVE ALBION
BRISTOL CITY
BRISTOL ROVERS
BURNLEY
BURTON ALBION
BURY
CARDIFF CITY
CARLISLE
CHARLTON
CHELSEA
CHELTENHAM TOWN
CHESTERFIELD
COLCHESTER UNITED
COVENTRY CITY
CREWE ALEXANDRA
CRYSTAL PALACE
DAGENHAM AND REDBRIDGE
DARLINGTON
DERBY COUNTY
DONCASTER ROVERS
EVERTON
EXETER CITY
FULHAM
GILLINGHAM
GRIMSBY TOWN
HARTLEPOOL UNITED
HEREFORD UNITED
HUDDERSFIELD TOWN
HULL CITY
IPSWICH TOWN
LEEDS UNITED
LEICESTER CITY
LEYTON ORIENT
LINCOLN CITY
LIVERPOOL
MACCLESFIELD
MANCHESTER CITY
MANCHESTER UNITED
MIDDLESBROUGH
MILLWALL
MK DONS
MORECAMBE
NEWCASTLE UNITED
NORTHAMPTON TOWN
NORWICH CITY
NOTTINGHAM FOREST
NOTTS COUNTY
OLDHAM
PETERBOROUGH
PLYMOUTH ARGYLE
PORT VALE
PORTSMOUTH
PRESTON NORTH END
QUEENS PARK RANGERS
READING
ROCHDALE
ROTHERHAM
SCUNTHORPE UNITED
SHEFFIELD UNITED
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
SHREWSBURY TOWN
SOUTHAMPTON
SOUTHEND
STOCKPORT COUNTY
STOKE CITY
SUNDERLAND
SWANSEA CITY
SWINDON TOWN
TORQUAY
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
TRANMERE
WALSALL
WATFORD
WEST BROM
WEST HAM
WIGAN
WOLVES
WYCOMBE WANDERERS
YEOVIL
CHAPTER FIVE: X-RATED. THE REFEREE’S A WANKER
WORLD CUP 2006
BEST OF THE REST
DON’T CRAMP CLATTENBURG’S STYLE
X-RATED
CHAPTER SIX: EXTRA TIME
SIR BOBBY ROBSON 1933–2009
BOBBY’S GEMS
SIR BOBBY ON HIS KNIGHTHOOD
AND FINALLY, THE LAST WORD
I DON’T WANT TO INSULT SUNDERLAND…
A VERY, VERY UNPLEASANT IMAGE…
TOP OF THE CLASS…?
WORD FROM A SHRINKING VIOLET…
WHO SAID AMERICANS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ‘SOCCER’?
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN…
FOR YOUR LICENCE FEE…
YOUR LICENCE FEE (AGAIN) AND PRIORITIES
MARK LAWRENSON AND ARGUING
FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THE BLEEDIN’ OBVIOUS…
AND FINALLY…
QUALITY INSIGHT FROM SETANTA
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM SETANTA’S SUCCESSORS
WHAT WE WANT MORE OF FROM SETANTA’S SUCCESSORS
SPEAKING OF IMPARTIALITY
BAD…
GOD-AWFUL GLENN
MORE FROM TALKSPORT
UNBELIEVABLE, JEFF
‘ADE-CASH-WHORE’
PAUL SCHOLES
TANNOY TALES
BRILLIANT BANNERS
THE CHANT LAUREATE
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