The Comic History of Rome

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À Beckett Gilbert Abbott. The Comic History of Rome

PREFACE

CHAPTER THE FIRST. FROM THE FOUNDATION OF ROME TO THE DEATH OF ROMULUS

CHAPTER THE SECOND. FROM THE ACCESSION OF NUMA POMPILIUS TO THE DEATH OF ANCUS MARTIUS

CHAPTER THE THIRD. FROM THE ACCESSION OF TARQUINIUS PRISCUS TO THE DEATH OF SERVIUS TULLIUS

CHAPTER THE FOURTH. FROM THE ACCESSION OF TARQUINIUS SUPERBUS TO THE BANISHMENT OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND THE ABOLITION OF THE KINGLY DIGNITY

CHAPTER THE FIFTH. FROM THE BANISHMENT OF TARQUINIUS SUPERBUS TO THE BATTLE OF LAKE REGILLUS

CHAPTER THE SIXTH. FROM THE BATTLE OF THE LAKE REGILLUS TO THE CLOSE OF THE WAR WITH THE VOLSCIANS

CHAPTER THE SEVENTH. FROM THE CLOSE OF THE WAR WITH THE VOLSCIANS TO THE PASSING OF THE BILL OF TERENTILLUS

CHAPTER THE EIGHTH. FROM THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE DECEMVIRATE TO THE TAKING OF VEII

CHAPTER THE NINTH. FROM THE TAKING OF ROME BY THE GAULS, TO ITS SUBSEQUENT PRESERVATION BY MANLIUS

CHAPTER THE TENTH. FROM THE TRIBUNESHIP OF C. LICINIUS TO THE DEFEAT OF THE GAULS BY VALERIUS

CHAPTER THE ELEVENTH. FROM THE FIRST WAR AGAINST THE SAMNITES TO THE PASSING OF THE LAWS OF PUBLILIUS

CHAPTER THE TWELFTH. FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND TO THE END OF THE THIRD SAMNITE WAR

CHAPTER THE THIRTEENTH. ON THE PEACEFUL OCCUPATIONS OF THE ROMANS. FROM SCARCITY OF SUBJECT, NECESSARILY A VERY SHORT CHAPTER

CHAPTER THE FOURTEENTH. FROM THE END OF THE THIRD SAMNITE WAR TO THE SUBJUGATION OF ALL ITALY BY THE ROMANS

CHAPTER THE FIFTEENTH. THE FIRST PUNIC WAR

CHAPTER THE SIXTEENTH. SOME MISCELLANEOUS WARS OF ROME

CHAPTER THE SEVENTEENTH. THE SECOND PUNIC WAR

CHAPTER THE EIGHTEENTH. CONCLUSION OF THE SECOND PUNIC WAR

CHAPTER THE NINETEENTH. WAR WITH THE MACEDONIANS. PROCLAMATION OF THE FREEDOM OF GREECE BY FLAMINIUS. WAR WITH ANTIOCHUS. DEATH OF HANNIBAL, AND OF SCIPIO AFRICANUS

CHAPTER THE TWENTIETH. PUBLIC AMUSEMENTS. MORALS, MANNERS, CUSTOMS, AND STATE OF THE DRAMA AND LITERATURE AMONG THE ROMANS

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-FIRST. WARS AGAINST PERSEUS. THE THIRD PUNIC WAR. SIEGE AND DESTRUCTION OF CARTHAGE, AND DITTO DITTO OF CORINTH

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SECOND. WARS IN SPAIN. VIRIATHUS. DESTRUCTION OF NUMANTIA. THE SERVILE WAR IN SICILY. APPROPRIATION OF PERGAMUS

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-THIRD. THE GRACCHI AND THEIR MOTHER. RISE AND FALL OF TIBERIUS AND CAIUS GRACCHUS

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-FOURTH. THE JUGURTHINE WAR. WAR AGAINST THE CIMBRI AND TEUTONI

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-FIFTH. MITHRIDATES, SULLA, MARIUS, CINNA, ET CÆTERA

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SIXTH. DEATH OF CINNA. RETURN OF SULLA TO ROME. C. PAPIRIUS CARBO. DICTATORSHIP OF SULLA

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH. REACTION AGAINST THE POLICY OF SULLA. SERVICES OF Q. SERTORIUS. METELLUS. CN. POMPEY. SPIRITED STEPS OF SPARTACUS. THE IRATE PIRATE

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. THE THIRD MITHRIDATIC WAR. DEPOSITION AND DEATH OF MITHRIDATES

CHAPTER THE TWENTY-NINTH. CONSPIRACY OF CATILINE. INTRODUCTION OF CICERO. CÆSAR, POMPEY, CRASSUS, AND CO

CHAPTER THE THIRTIETH. OVERTHROW OF CRASSUS. DEFEAT OF POMPEY. DICTATORSHIP AND DEATH

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The origin of the Romans has long been lost in that impenetrable fog, the mist of ages; which, it is to be feared, will never clear off, for it unfortunately seems to grow thicker the more boldly we try to grope about in it. In the midst of these fogs, some energetic individual will now and then appear with a pretty powerful link, but there are not enough of these links to form a connected chain of incidents.

One of the oldest and most popular traditions concerning the origin of the Romans, is that founded on the remarkable feat of filial pick-a-back alleged to have been performed by Æneas, who is frequently dragged in head and shoulders, with his venerable parent, to lead off the march of events, and, as it were, open the ball of history.

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The weather being propitious, all the Sabine beauty and fashion were attracted to the place, and the games, consisting of horse-racing, gave to the scene all the animation of a cup day at Ascot. Suddenly, at a preconcerted signal, there was a general elopement of the Roman youth with the Sabine ladies, who were, in the most ungallant manner, abandoned to their fate by the Sabine gentlemen. It is true that the latter were taken by surprise, but they certainly made the very best of their way home before they thought of avenging the wrong and insult that had been committed. Had they been all married ladies who were carried off, the cynic might have suggested that the Sabine husbands would not have objected to a cheap mode of divorce, but – to make use of an Irishism – there was only one single woman who happened to be a wife in the whole of the "goodly company." The small Latin states, Antennæ, Crustumerium, and Cœnina, were very angry at the supineness of the Sabines, whose King – one Tatius – seemed disposed to take the thing rather too tacitly. The three states above mentioned commenced an action on their own account, and Acron, the King of Cœnina, fell in battle by the hand of Romulus, who, stripping off the apparel of the foe, caused it to be carried to Rome and hung upon an oak, where the arms and armour of Acron, glittering among the acorns, were dedicated, as Spolia opima, to Jupiter Feretrius.5

Though Tatius had been the last, he was not destined to be the least of those taking part in the Sabine war; and he determined to rely less on strategy than stratagem. The water in those days was not so well laid on as in later times; when the lofty aqueducts, still running in ruins about the neighbourhood of Rome, were carried to an elevation fitted for the very highest service that could be desired. Rome, instead of being well supplied, was supplied by wells; and ladies of rank were accustomed to draw the water required for domestic purposes. It chanced, one afternoon, that Tarpeia, the daughter of Tarpeius, the commander of the Roman city, on the Capitoline Hill, was proceeding on an errand of the sort, when she met with Tatius, who, addressing her in the language of a friend, requested "a drink" of her pitcher. Tarpeia, dazzled by the splendour of his gold bracelets and glittering armour, could not resist the request of such a highly polished gentleman. Tatius had purposely electrotyped himself for the interview, and, seeing the effect he had produced, he intimated that he had several friends, who were covered with metal quite as attractive as that he wore, and that, if Tarpeia would only open the gate of the citadel to himself and party, she should have more gold than she could carry. The bargain was faithfully kept on both sides; for Tarpeia opened the gate to Tatius and the Sabines, who, on their part performed their contract to the letter, for, as they entered, they threw at her not only their bracelets but their breast-plates, completely crushing her with the weight of the gold she had coveted; and making her think, no doubt, that "never was poor woman so unmercifully put upon." So thorough an illustration of an embarras des richesses is not often met with in history.

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