The Men Commandments
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Christian O’Connell. The Men Commandments
THE MEN COMMANDMENTS
CONTENTS
FOREWORD
INTRODUCTION
THE MAN QUIZ
RITES OF PASSAGE
PARENTS
SCHOOL DAYS
PE
SCHOOL MUSICALS
DINNER LADIES
OF BED SHEETS AND SNAIL TRAILS
SCHOOL DISCOS
SATURDAY JOBS
UNDERAGE DRINKING
VIRGINITY
THE END OF FIRST LOVE
THE HISTORY OF MEN. THE IMPORTANCE OF HISTORY
OUT OF THE SEA
MOUSE OR MONKEY?
CIVILISATION
MAN’S FIRST LOVE
SOMETHING WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN JUST A WHEEL
STAGGER LIKE AN EGYPTIAN
MAN’S GREATEST FEAR
IT’S ROUND HERE SOMEWHERE
THE TUDOR SMACKDOWN
SMOKES AND SPUDS
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DONE?
MEN AND MOTORS
ANOTHER FIRST IN MAN HISTORY
THE TWENTIETH CENTURY
THE GODFATHER OF PORN
MEN AND THEIR MATES. THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
THE DIARY
THE PERILS OF WHISPERING
COOKING
THE SEXY BLACK WIDOW SYNDROME
THE VICIOUSNESS OF WOMEN
MEN AND PROBLEMS
MALE PROBLEM SOLVERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
THE WORLD’S DUMBEST MAN SHOW
SO HOW DO OUR RELATIONSHIPS COMPARE TO WOMEN’S?
THE JOY OF TEXT
WHAT WE TALK ABOUT
SO WHAT DO WOMEN TALK ABOUT?
NOTHING BELOW THE BELT
AT THE SHOPS
TRUE FRIENDS
MEN AND WOMEN
1. PRETENDING TO BE SORRY GENE IN MEN
2. THE REPLACEMENT GENE IN WOMEN
3. THE DIARY GENE IN WOMEN
4. THE LIST GENE IN WOMEN
5. THE WARDROBE BLINDNESS GENE IN WOMEN
6. THE HANDBAG GENE IN WOMEN
7. THE ‘WHAT’S HE BEEN IN?’ GENE IN WOMEN
8. THE BILL-SPLITTING GENE IN WOMEN
9. THE QUICKSAND QUESTION GENE IN WOMEN
10. THE HIDDEN STORAGE GENE IN WOMEN
11. THE THROWING THINGS OUT GENE IN WOMEN
12. THE THERMOSTAT GENE IN WOMEN
13. THE BITCH GENE IN WOMEN
14. THE NANA KNICKERS GENE IN WOMEN
15. THE CURTAIN GENE IN MEN
16. THE TALKING GENE IN WOMEN
17. THE 20-MINUTE MESSAGE GENE IN WOMEN
18. THE BIRTHDAY CARDS/GIFT GENE IN WOMEN
19. THE TOTAL RECALL GENE IN WOMEN
20. THE POKER FACE GENE IN WOMEN
21. THE SEX AND THE CITY GENE IN WOMEN
22. THE COLOUR GENE IN WOMEN
23. THE ‘IT REALLY IS JUST A GAME’ GENE IN WOMEN
24. THE SEEING GENE IN WOMEN
25. THE ‘IN A MINUTE’ GENE IN MEN
26. THE BULLSHIT GENE IN MEN
27. THE MARKED DOWN GENE IN WOMEN
28. THE MARK UP GENE IN MEN
29. THE CRUELLEST LIE GENE IN WOMEN
30. THE STINK EYE GENE IN WOMEN
31. THE NINJA GENE IN WOMEN
32. THE EASILY DISTRACTED GENE IN MEN
33. THE WOLF-WHISTLING GENE IN MEN
34. THE ‘WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?’ GENE IN WOMEN
35. THE SHOEBOX GENE IN WOMEN
36. THE CATATONIC GENE IN WOMEN
37. THE SHOPPING GENE IN WOMEN
38. THE ‘AFTER THE LIGHTS GO OUT’ GENE IN WOMEN
39. THE FIVE-MINUTE GENE IN WOMEN
40. THE ‘RAT DOG’ GENE IN WOMEN
41. THE 42-INCH GENE IN MEN
42. THE MANESIA GENE IN MEN
43. THE SCREENSAVE FACE GENE IN MEN
44. THE KEY WORDS GENE IN MEN
45. THE WILL WATCH ALMOST ANYTHING ON TV GENE IN MEN*
46. THE NAGGING GENE IN WOMEN
47. THE MUSICAL HATRED GENE IN MEN
48. THE POTTY TIME GENE IN MEN
49. THE BATHROOM GENE IN WOMEN
50. THE MANWIDTH GENE IN MEN
51. THE FARTS ARE FUNNY GENE IN MEN
52. THE GRANDSTANDING GENE IN MEN
53. THE LUCKY PANTS GENE IN MEN
54. THE ‘I’LL JUST HAVE SOME OF YOURS’ GENE IN WOMEN
55. THE MAN FLU GENE IN MEN
56. THE SALES GENE IN WOMEN
57. THE PMT GENE IN MEN
58. THE CAR GENE IN MEN
59. THE PREPARATION GENE IN MEN
60. THE SQUALOR GENE/HAPPY LIVING LIKE A PIG GENE IN MEN
61. THE SUGGESTIBLE GENE IN MEN
62. THE CULT GENE IN MEN
63. THE SECOND BRAIN GENE IN MEN
64. THE DRUNK-DIALLING GENE IN MEN
65. THE ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS GENE IN WOMEN
66. THE DRESSING-UP GENE IN WOMEN
67. THE SUPERHERO GENE IN MEN
68. THE FLOWERS GENE IN MEN
69. THE ‘CAN’T DANCE, SHOULDN’T DANCE’ GENE IN MEN
70. THE NICKNAMES GENE IN MEN
71. THE BRIDEZILLA GENE IN WOMEN
72. THE DREAMS ARE INTERESTING GENE IN WOMEN
73. THE LOOSE CHANGE GENE IN MEN
74. THE LATE NIGHT DRUNK COOKING GENE IN MEN
75. THE NEAR TO, ON TOP, NEXT TO GENE IN MEN
76. THE WANDERING GENE IN MEN
77. THE CRAP GIFTS GENE IN MEN
78. THE NAMING THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T HAVE NAMES GENE IN WOMEN
MEN AND EMOTIONS. THE MADNESS THAT LURKS WITHIN ALL MEN…
TOP FIVE BREAK-UP SONGS
1. ‘DON’T THINK TWICE, IT’S ALRIGHT’ BY BOB DYLAN
2. ‘GO YOUR OWN WAY’ BY FLEETWOOD MAC
3. ‘I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW’ BY ELVIS COSTELLO
4. ‘SONG FOR THE DUMPED’ BY BEN FOLDS FIVE
5. ‘DRY YOUR EYES MATE’ BY THE STREETS
6. BONUS TRACK
CANOE MAN
CANOE MAN PART 2
KENT COUCH
MEN AND SHOWING EMOTION TO EACH OTHER
MY TOP FIVE MAN TEARS MOVIES
1. FIELD OF DREAMS
2. ROCKY IV
3. THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
4. THE GODFATHER
5. TOP GUN
EMOTIONAL TV
HOLLYWOOD: THE MALE MORAL COMPASS
THE BUDDY MOVIE
MY TOP TEN GUY MOVIES
10. DUMB AND DUMBER
9. TOP GUN
8. LETHAL WEAPON
7. SWINGERS
6. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID
5. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE
4. DIE HARD: WITH A VENGEANCE
3. SONS OF THE DESERT
2. TANGO & CASH
1. MIDNIGHT RUN
TELEVISION
BODIE AND DOYLE FROM THE PROFESSIONALS
MAGNUM PI
JOEY AND CHANDLER FROM FRIENDS
FRED AND BARNEY FROM THE FLINTSTONES
MINDER
CAPTAIN KIRK AND OFFICER SPOCK FROM STAR TREK
DEL AND RODNEY FROM ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
FLETCH FOM PORRIDGE
THE FUTURE OF MEN
IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT MEN
THE MAN CARD
THE REAL MEN FIRST XI
MANAGER: WINSTON CHURCHILL
GOALKEEPER: HENRY VIII
LEFT BACK: COLUMBO
CENTRE BACK: MR T
CENTRAL DEFENDER: THE GODFATHER (CAPTAIN)
RIGHT BACK: DICK DASTARDLY
LEFT BACK: JAMES BOND
MIDFIELD ANCHOR: THE HOFF
MIDFIELD: MUHAMMAD ALI
RIGHT WING: RAY MEARS
STRIKER: STEVEN SEAGAL
STRIKER: FRANK SINATRA
THE MEN COMMANDMENTS
THE UNINTERRUPTED VIEW
THE ENVIRONMENT
THE ONE GOD
REMOTE ENVY
NUDGING AND THE LAW
THE BOGS
WOULD YOU LIKE A CHAMOIS WITH THAT, SIR?
WHO’S THE PRICK IN THE BACK?
THOU SHALT ALWAYS TRY TO BE THE ONE DRIVING
THE WINGMAN; GOOSE
SOOT IS NUTRITIOUS
WHEN MEN WERE MEN
A CONFESSION
BUYING A GIFT FOR ANOTHER MAN
THE TIGHTWAD
THE TOPPER
THE DEPRESSING DRUNK
THE NEW BOY
YOU’D REALLY LIKE HIM…
NEVER RE-LEND, MY FRIEND
‘CAN I TRY SOME OF YOURS?’
MEN COMMANDMENT X
YOUR MATE ON THE PHONE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INDEX
Copyright
About The Publisher
Отрывок из книги
To all the men. Past, present and future. This one’s for us.
‘What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals – and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?’
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Whether you had bum fluff or not, there was one thing all teenagers needed: fake ID. You could usually get your fake ID from someone’s older brother who was like Donald Pleasance in The Great Escape – ‘The Forger’. He’d make them on his BBC Micro or Commodore 64. The standard was pretty poor.
Getting the booze was by two routes, both with their own hazards: the off licence or the pub.
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