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David McGimpsey. Li'l Bastard
Li'l Bastard. 128 Chubby Sonnets. David McGimpsey
Table of Contents
1. Re: Report to the Council, cc The Huffer Foundation et al
2. Montreal, home of the Washington Generals
3. If you can’t leave me be, then leave me alone
4. To expedite your snooping, my e-mail password is ‘abortionist.’
5. Speaking of stealing cars and running them off into the quarry to collect the insurance money, I ran into your father. Your real father
6. My Canadian Novel
7. Bury me beneath the willow but throw out my DVD collection — it’s useless
8. Even with the kleptomania, I was the perfect boyfriend
9. Orville Redenbacher’s mistress rejects the label ‘porn star.’
10. You’re now talking to the Sleepy’s Mattress Employee of the Month
11. David McGimpsey likes — then unlikes — this
12. If Jesus drove a dependable family-sized recreational vehicle, He would drive a Dodge Caravan
13. My second, less popular and even less critically successful Canadian novel
14. Viva Smokey
15. As my mother was always fond of saying, ‘It depends whose ox is being gored.’
16. If possums were pears, we’d be having fruit salad tonight
17. Scrubland
18. The streets of Laredo
19. Sugarland
20. DFW
21. Chupacabra
22. Palmito Ranch
23. Sixth and Red River
24. East Texas
25. Aransas County
26. Dinosaur Valley
27. Over the Pecos
28. New flavours of jerky
29. Panhandle rag
30. The stockyards
31. Waco
32. Bluebonnets
33. Tonight’s Episode: A Footbridge Higher
34. Tonight’s Episode: The Insomniac Strikes A-kilter
35. Tonight’s Episode: Into the Tiger’s Nest
37. Tonight’s Episode: The Ides of Marchmain
38. Tonight’s Episode: The Forgotten Body
39. Tonight’s Episode: The Mountains Wait Like a Lady, Like a Very Special Mountain Lady They Wait
40. Tonight’s Episode: Funeral for a Funeral Home
41. Tonight’s Episode: Lethal Over-the-Counter Medicine
42. Tonight’s Episode: Trouble in Little Armenia
43. Tonight’s Episode: The Angel Sleeps in Burbank
44. Tonight’s Episode: Tweedle-Dee-Death
45. Tonight’s Episode: The Eyes Lie Twice
46. Tonight’s Episode: Springtime for Schemers
47. Tonight’s Episode: No Roman Holiday
48. Tonight’s Episode: Heaven is a Hellyard
49. So, there I was, feeling better, no longer watching Barnaby Jones, but teaching in Illinois
50. Welcome to the Wiener’s Circle
51. Falling Asleep to Beyoncé
52. Once I wanted to be an astronaut, now I wear a housecoat
53. A change of plans in light of spiritual contemplation and the purchase of new shoes
54. Wake House
55. Pamphlet from Wake House: ‘Living the Doctrine’ (Reformed Latter-Day Doctrine)
56. Celery soup at O’Hare Airport
57. I did punch that guy in the neck, but it was the last game of the year at Wrigley and, in my defence, he did say, ‘Wait till next year!’
58. That’s right, grading papers is harder than working in the slaughterhouses described in Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle
59. O Little Star of Bethlehem, I would spank your pussy too
60. Congratulations, poet, for referencing mangoes as a metaphor of sexual fulfillment for maybe the millionth time, you have won our hearts and souls and we have decided to name the Library of Congress after you
61. On the positive side, I went ice fishing in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula
62. I got more Appomattoxes than Ford Madox Ford has Fords
63. The power lifts me or, at least, fills me with the kind of false hope that will lead to a change of scene and, then, again, a familiar sense of despair
64. The day before New Year’s Eve
65. A Song for Lotion, a Song for Ointment
66. Song To Rescue Us (and by Us I Mean Me) from the Good Intentions of Others
67. Song for the Power that Watches over Us and also Reminds Us, from Now On, To Celebrate Milestone Birthdays with a Series of Invasive and Humiliating Medical Exams
68. Song for Cardigans and Assholes
69. Sea Shanty
70. D-Lux Song
71. Song for a Silent Treatment
72. Song for The Blue-Hinded Hive
73. Song about the Rod Stewart Impersonator/Blackjack Dealer I Lost One Hundred Dollars to, Left on Alex Parker’s Answering Machine at the Imperial Palace Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada
74. Song for Mid-Season Cancellations
75. Song of December
76. Song that Formerly Used the Quote, ‘Let Go, It’s Over – Nobody Listens to Techno!’
77. Song of Acceptance
78. Song after Verlaine
79. Song of the Hummingbird
80. Song of the Mermaid
81. Manhattan Beach
82. Santa Monica
83. The Merle Haggard of Culver City
84. From Simi Valley to Malibu to Maui
85. East on I-10
86. Oceanside
87. The Dresden Room
88. A parking lot in Canoga Park
89. Popular inscriptions on cakes in Los Angeles’s Cake District around Fairfax
90. Rare periodical section, Duarte’s Donuts, Santa Monica Blvd
91. Zuma Beach
92. That’s funny. Because in my other dream, Heidi Montag beats up a busboy
93. The David Hasselhoff Boys Club
94. Script ideas
95. Sunset news
96. LAX
97. I blame you, Jacques Cartier
98. Île Metropoledance
99. Putting the ‘ah’ in ‘adjunct.’
100. A strange, unexplained trip to Boston
101. I also blame you, Radisson and Grosseliers – especially you, Grosseliers
102. July-O-My
103. May you be forever wrong
104. I never understood Celsius but I walked the streets of Montreal in October
105. Still walking the streets of Montreal in October, still not getting Celsius, still not dressing well for winter
106. At some point, even in Montreal, you just stop somewhere and enjoy the fine art of sitting
107. The unspeakable beauty of it all
108. Manipulative, passive-aggressive, two-headed monster – with benefits
109. ‘Aloha’ means both hello and goodbye and it is an implicit critique of the social formations that collude to induct ‘Ivy League style’ (with the Sperry Top-Siders and Quoddy moccasins)
110. Exceptional foundationalism! The community! Free trip to France!
111. L’Assomption
112. The Umbrellas of Anjou
113. A thousand maiden stones aslant
114. Versailles bus stop
115. ‘In revenge great honour we achieve.’
116. Place Versailles
117. I tweeze therefore I am
118. Le P’tit Général
119. Jesus loves you, but doesn’t love-love you; I mean He thinks you’re okay but He’s going through some things now and is not interested in something more meaningful
120. Rejected titles for the novel I received taxpayer money to draft
121. Buy me a pony, narcissism
122. The argument for making the grey jay (or ‘whiskey jack’) the National Bird of Canada
123. You may remember me from the unpublishable manuscripts Matador By Evening and Goodbye, Unlovable Stepchildren
124. I’ve already lived my life
125. Death be not proud but, really, who could blame you? I mean, c’mon, you’re Death!
126. ‘What Was That Poem?’
127. My life as a Canadian writer
128. Or, just follow me on Twitter!
The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things
About the Author
