Grumpy Old Men: New Year, Same Old Crap
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David Quantick. Grumpy Old Men: New Year, Same Old Crap
Contents
INTRODUCTION
PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO SAY, ‘I JUST EAT WHAT I WANT ALL THE TIME AND I NEVER PUT ON ANY WEIGHT, I DON’T KNOW WHY’
PEOPLE WHO DRESS YOUNG
PEOPLE WHO GET ANNOYED WHEN ASKED TO PUT THEIR SHIRTS BACK ON
LADS
LADS 2
WAGs
PR PEOPLE
FAMOUS DEAD PEOPLE
KNIGHTS
PEERS
PEOPLE WHO’VE GONE CLASSICAL
PEOPLE WHO HAVE MEETINGS IN STARBUCKS
TALKING HEADS
PEOPLE WHO CALL THEMSELVES ECO-WARRIORS
PEOPLE WHO SAY, ‘SO MUCH FOR GLOBAL WARMING’
VOLUNTARILY BALD MEN
PEOPLE WHO SAY, ‘WOW! HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING ACID?’
PEOPLE WHO HATE AMERICANS
TEACHERS
PEOPLE WHO HATE DAN BROWN BOOKS
CELEBRITIES
CYCLISTS
RICKSHAW DRIVERS
CYCLISTS 2
OLD BLACK CAB DRIVERS
CYCLISTS 3
OLD MEN IN GYMS
YOUNG MEN IN GYMS
PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN
PEOPLE WHO DON’T COMPLAIN
PIRATES
PEOPLE WHO LIKE BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY
MOBILE PHONE USERS
PEOPLE WITH HUGE EGOS
PEOPLE WHO USED TO BE FAMOUS
PEOPLE WHO WERE NEARLY FAMOUS
PEOPLE WHO WENT TO SCHOOL WITH SOMEONE FAMOUS
TV PRESENTERS
TV PRESENTERS 2
SCIENTISTS
PEOPLE WHO YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF WRITING THEIR MEMOIRS
PEOPLE WHO ARE FAMOUS FOR ONE THING AND THEN GO AND DO ANOTHER THING
PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FAT
TELEVISION, MUSIC & FILM. EUROVISION
BBC VERSUS ITV
EUROVISION 2
EUROVISION 3
TV TALENT SHOWS
TV TALENT SHOWS 2
CHAT SHOWS – THEN
CHAT SHOWS – NOW
ANTIQUES SHOWS
GADGET SHOWS
BREAKFAST TELEVISION
POP TELLY
REALITY TELEVISION
REALITY TELEVISION 2
THE DEATH OF THE SITCOM
DOCUMENTARIES
EASTENDERS
CORONATION STREET
AFTERNOON SOAPS
AUSTRALIAN SOAPS
AMERICAN SOAPS
FILMS AND TV PROGRAMMES THAT WERE MADE IN BLACK AND WHITE
ACTORS
ACTORS 2
STAGE ACTING
FILM ACTING
‘BACKSTORY’
SCIENCE-FICTION ACTING
SOAP-OPERA ACTING
BOY BANDS AND GIRL GROUPS
BOY BANDS AND GIRL GROUPS 2
RINGTONES
RADIO STATIONS
RADIO STATIONS 2
DEATH OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY
DEATH OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY 2
VINYL
CASSETTES
CASSETTES 2
EASY CLASSICAL MUSIC VERSUS DIFFICULT CLASSICAL MUSIC
EASY CLASSICAL MUSIC VERSUS DIFFICULT CLASSICAL MUSIC 2
EASY CLASSICAL MUSIC VERSUS DIFFICULT CLASSICAL MUSIC 3
EASY CLASSICAL MUSIC VERSUS DIFFICULT CLASSICAL MUSIC 4
JAZZ
INDIE MUSIC
INDIE MUSIC 2
KARAOKE
KARAOKE 2
‘RETURN TO FORM’
RAP
HIP HOP
HIP HOP 2
JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT VERSUS JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
BAND REUNIONS
ACADEMIES FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS
ARTS & MEDIA. TABLOIDS
POSH TABLOIDS
CELEBRITY MAGAZINES
FREE NEWSPAPERS
ART
ART 2
BOOK INTRODUCTIONS
PREFACES
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
FOOTNOTES
AUTHOR BIOGS
INDEXES
JANE AUSTEN
JANE AUSTEN 2
THE BRONTES
CHARLES DICKENS
JAMES BOND
‘FANTASY’
SCIENCE FICTION
DETECTIVE NOVELS
TECHNOLOGY & NEW THINGS. MYSPACE
MYSPACE 2
YOUTUBE
FRIENDS REUNITED
BLOGS
BLOGS 2
CELEBRITY BLOGS
IPODS
IPODS 2
‘SHUFFLES’ AND ‘NANOS’
TEXT MESSAGING
TEXT MESSAGING 2
PREDICTIVE TEXTING
MOBILE PHONES
MOBILE PHONES 2
MOBILE PHONES 3
COMPACT DISCS
MP3s
MP3s 2
SMART CARS
LAPTOPS
SELF CHECK-OUT
SELF CHECK-IN
THE INTERNET
SPAM
THE RULES OF SPAM
POP UPS
CHAT ROOMS
CHAT ROOMS 2
‘UNDER CONSTRUCTION’
WIRELESS
CD ROMS
SECOND LIFE
WEBCAMS
WEBCAMS 2
VIDEOPHONES
VIDEO-CONFERENCING
VIRTUAL ENCYCLOPAEDIAS
‘VIRTUAL’
CCTV
COKE ZERO™
ROBOTS
ROBOTS 2
THE RUSSIAN SPACE PROGRAMME
RUSSIA
HEALTH & RECREATION. BINGE DRINKING
CREDIT CARDS
PART WORKS
SECOND-HAND BOOK SHOPS
FREE CDs
CULTURE
INTERNET AUCTION SITES
INTERNET AUCTION SITES 2
INTERNET SHOPPING
INTERNET SHOPPING 2
‘BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE’
‘THREE FOR TWO’
‘BUY ONE, GET ONE HALF PRICE’
THE TOUR DE FRANCE
LIMOUSINES
HUMMERS
TOURIST BRITAIN
AMUSEMENT PARKS
HELTER SKELTERS
DODGEM CARS
THE GHOST TRAIN
THE COCONUT SHY
ANYTHING CALLED ‘WORLD’ THAT ISN’T AN ACTUAL WORLD
MODERN LIFE. CONDITIONER
AFTERSHAVE
ANTIPERSPIRANT VERSUS DEODORANT
BRITISH TEETH VERSUS AMERICAN TEETH
MOUSTACHES
BEARDS
WIGS
SIZE ZERO
THE GYM
CHANGING ROOMS
GRUNTING
CLASSES
MEMBERSHIP
OPTICIANS
BIFOCALS
CONTACT LENSES
LASER EYE SURGERY
REFUSE
POST OFFICE COLLECTIONS
THE END OF SHOPS
‘ACADEMIES’
THE FAR LEFT
THE FAR RIGHT
COMPREHENSIVE SCHOOLS
GRAMMAR SCHOOLS
PUBLIC SCHOOLS
‘EXPRESS’ AND ‘LOCAL’ SUPERMARKETS
BUTCHERS REPLACED BY BUTTON SHOPS
EUROPE
EU RULINGS
SUPERSTAR ADOPTIONS
SUPERSTAR ADOPTIONS 2
PETITIONS
LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS
‘MARKETING’
LOGOS
LEYLANDII
BENDY BUSES
IMMIGRATION
LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD
ID CARDS
IRISES
AIRPORT SECURITY
SMIRTING
SLANG TERMS IN THE DICTIONARY
TOWNS
TOWNS 2
VILLAGES
MISCELLANEOUS OLD CRAP. CATS
INSECTS
HONEY
GLASTONBURY
THE NATIONAL TRUST
BRAVE NEW WORLD
WANTED POSTERS
FAKE BULLFIGHT POSTERS
RECTORS
FLAGS
THE BRITISH FLAG
THE AMERICAN FLAG
THE CONFEDERATE FLAG
ALL THE OTHER FLAGS IN THE WORLD
‘SHAN’T’
‘GAY’
TELEGRAMS FROM THE QUEEN
TELEGRAMS FROM THE QUEEN 2
BIRTHDAY PARTIES
INVITATIONS
INVITATIONS 2
DEVELOPING COUNTRIES
REACTOLITE GLASSES
POSH CHARITY SHOPS
YOU CAN’T OPEN A NEWSPAPER THESE DAYS WITHOUT …
BANANAS DURING THE WAR
LEAVING YOUR FRONT DOOR OPEN
BEING GOOD TO THEIR MOTHERS
‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD’
‘BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY’
RELIGION
FEAR
Copyright
Отрывок из книги
DAVID QUANTICK
GRUMPY OLD MEN
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The British rickshaw driver is not like that. He is usually a visitor to these shores too feckless to get bar work, who spends his days cycling about tinkling his bell at any woman he sees and then, when you have given in and agreed to go for a ride in his far-from-silver machine, reveals two things. One: he has never heard of where you want to go. And two: he will charge you twenty quid for the privilege of not getting there.
Now that cyclists have the support of the environmental lobby and they’ve also got more and more of those little lanes with pictures of pushbikes on, cyclists are very full of themselves. It seems that owning a pair of silly shorts and a pointy helmet like the Green Goblin means that you are single-handedly preventing the heat death of the planet.
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