Scotch Wit and Humor
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Howe Walter Henry. Scotch Wit and Humor
Preface
LIST OF KNOWN WORKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED
Scotch Wit and Humor
Scoring a Point
A Cross-Examiner Answered
One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"
"A Nest Egg Noo!"
Light Through a Crack
A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne
Lessons in Theology
Double Meanings
Scotch "Fashion"
Wattie Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans
Highland Happiness
Plain Scotch
Caring for Their Minister
Three Sisters All One Age
Distributing His Praises with Discernment
Mallet, Plane and Sermon – All Wooden
Using Their Senses
Qualifications for a Chief
A Beadle Magnifying His Office
No Wonder!
Virtuous Necessity
Strangers – "Unawares" – Not always Angels
"Reflections"
An Observant Husband
"Bulls" in Scotland
"Brothers" in Law
A Family Likeness
"Unco' Modest"
Objecting to "Regeneration"
Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk
Too Much Light and Too Little
A Reproof Cleverly Diverted
A Scotch "Squire"
Peter Peebles' Prejudice
English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads
Seeking, not Help, but Information – and Getting It
Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy
"No Lord's Day!"
Dead Shot
Quid Pro Quo
The Scottish Credit System
Scotch "Paddy"
The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship
Capital Punishment
"Plucked!"
An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry
Turning His Father's Weakness to Account
Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth
Dry Weather, and Its Effects on the Ocean
Laughing in the Pulpit – With Explanation
A Good Judge of Accent
"Haudin' His Stick"
Indiscriminate Humor
Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals
Honest Johnny M'Cree
Heaven Before it was Wanted
Curious Delusion Concerning Light
Less Sense than a Sheep
Consoled by a Relative's Lameness
Curious Sentence
Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular
Mortifying Unanimity
A Consoling "If"
Happy Escape from an Angry Mob
The End Justifying the Means
A Lecture on Baldness – Curious Results
A Miserly Professor
Silencing English Insolence
Helping Business
Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage
Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University
"Discretion – the Better Part of Valor"
Losing His Senses
It's a Gran' Nicht
A Highlander on Bagpipes
Walloping Judas
"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud!"
Earning His Dismissal
Paris and Peebles Contrasted
Short Measure
Two Views of a Divine Call
A Scotch View of Shakespeare
"As Guid Deid as Leevin!"
The Mercy of Providence
A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain
A Definition of "Fou"
The Journeyman Dog
Church Economy
Tired of Standing
Religious Loneliness
Prison Piety
A Successful Tradesman
Multum in Parvo
When Asses May Not Be Parsons
A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob
"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"
"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of any Bird"
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane
A Different Thing Entirely
Canny Dogs
A Compliment by Return
Curious Sentence
Advice to an M.P
Stretching It
Driving the Deevil Out
Mental Aberration
Sunday Shaving and Milking
A Typical Quarrel
A Ready Student
Appearing "in Three Pieces"
"Every Man to His Own Trade"
From Different Points of View
Speaking from "Notes"
"Consecrated" Ground
Unanswerable
Practical Thrift
Fool Finding
Robbing on Credit
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something
A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious
Pulpit Aids
Choosing a Minister
Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook
"To Memory 'Dear'"
Good "for Nothing" – not the Goodness Worth Having
"The Weaker Vessel"
Minding His Business
"Married!" – Not "Living"
A Powerful Preacher
Lost Dogs
Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar
The Highlander and the Angels
One Side of Scotch Humor
Reproving a Miser
A Shrewd Reply
Two Good Memories
Compensation
Fowls and Ducks!
Square-Headed
Refusing Information
Sabbath Breaking
Highland Simplicity
The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences
Remarkable Presence of Mind
Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa
How to Exterminate Old Thieves
A Sympathetic Hearer
Ginger Ale
A Conditional Promise
Scripture Examination
A Minor Major
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account
"Hearers Only – Not Doers"
The Chieftain and the Cabby
Not All Profit
Pie, or Patience?
How to Treat a Surplus
Landseer's Deadly Influence
Trying One Grave First
"Capital Punishment" – Modified
Matter More Than Manner
Curious Use of a Word
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined
The Value of a Laugh in Sickness
Why Israel Made a Golden Calf
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory
Sharpening His Teeth
Droll Solemnity
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness
Plain Speaking
Trying to Shift the Job
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge
National Thrift Exemplified
New Use for a "Cosy"
Mending Matters
Degrees of Capacity
"Invisible and Incomprehensible"
Fetching His "Character"
Scottish Negativeness
Either Too Fast or Too Slow
A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell
Not Necessarily Out of His Depth
Scotch Literalness
A Scotch "Native"
"A Call to a Wider Sphere"
Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon
Spinning it Out
A Wife's Protection
Scotch Provincialism
More Polite than Some Smokers
The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie
Not at Home
Faring Alike
"Saddling the Ass"
An Open Question
Domestics in By-gone Days
A Misdeal
"A Sign of Grace"
Extraordinary Absence of Mind
Salmon or Sermon
"Bock Again!" – A Prompt Answer
A "Kippered" Divine
Scotch Caution versus Suretiship
A Descendant of the Stuarts
"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel"
"Knowledge – It Shall Vanish Away"
A Harmless Joke
Looking before Leaping
"Lichts Oot!"
A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "a Glass" – and Gets it
"Old Bags"
A Poem for the Future
A Badly Arranged Prayer
Simplicity of a Collier's Wife
A Scotch "Supply"
Praying for Wind
Disturbed Devotions
The "Tables" of "The Law"
"Eating Among the Brutes"
An Angry Preacher
A Comfortable Preacher
"Haste" and "Leisure"
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines"
Speaking Figuratively
A Canny Witness
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son
Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain
An Idiot's Views of Insanity
Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation
Satisfactory Security
Better than a Countess
Remembering Each Other
Marriages Which are Made in Heaven – How Revealed
Not Up to Sample
The Queen's Daughters – or "Appearances Were Against Them"
"Oo" – with Variations
A Widow's Promise
Drunken Wit
Popularity Tested by the Collection
An "Exceptional" Prayer
"Verra Weel Pitched"
An Out-of-the-Way Reproof
A Castle Stor(e)y
A Satisfactory Explanation
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff
A Grammatical Beggar
Good Enough to Give Away
A Dry Preacher
A Poetical Question and Answer
Drinking by Candle Light
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher
Grim Humor
Sabbath Zeal
At the End of His Tether
A Thrifty Proposal
Was He a Liberal or a Tory?
Advice on Nursing
A Critic on His Own Criticism
Holding A Candle to the Sun
A False Deal
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee
A Drunkard's Thoughts
A Lofty "Style"
Depression – Delight – Despair
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony
Question and Answer
Robbing "On Credit"
Taking a Light Supper
Rustic Notion of the Resurrection
A Definition of Baptism
No End to His Wit
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin
A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders
Prophesying
Definition of Metaphysics
His Word and His Bond Equally Binding
Bad Arithmeticians often Good Book-Keepers
Curious Misunderstanding
"Terms – 'Cash Down'"
Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law
"Nothing," and How to See It
Why Not?
True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee
Pretending to Make a Will
Unusual for a Scotchman
An Author and His Printer
A Keen Reproof
The Scotch Mason and the Angel
A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-Witted Preacher
More Witty Than True
The Parson and His "Thirdly"
Scotch Ingenuity
Bolder Than Charles the Bold
"Short Commons"
The Shoemaker and Small Feet
Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave
Pulpit Foolery
A Restful Preacher
Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible
The Same with a Difference
Official Consolation and Callousness
Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes"
A Patient Lady
Curious Pulpit Notice
"Wishes Never Filled the Bag"
Not Used to It
"Effectual Calling"
Motive for Church-Going
"Grace" with No Meat After
"No Better than Pharaoh"
Not One of "The Establishment"
A Board-School Examiner Floored
Keeping His Threat – at His Own Expense
New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession
Absence of Humor – Illustrated
The Best Time to Quarrel
The Horse That Kept His Promise
A "Grand" Piano
Scottish Patriotism
"Purpose" – not "Performance" – Heaven's Standard
The Book Worms
"Uncertainty of Life" from Two Good Points of View
Providing a Mouthful for the Cow
A Poor Place for a Cadger
The Kirk of Lamington
"Lost Labor"
A New Story Book – at the Time
Will Any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"?
Ham and Cheese
"A Reduction on a Series"
The Selkirk Grace1
Inconsistencies of "God's People"
Sending Him to Sleep
Wiser Than Solomon
Modern Improvements
Knox and Claverhouse
A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days
"Though Lost to Sight – to Memory Dear!"
The Philosophy of Battle and Victory
Patriotism and Economy
Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife!
A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park
A Saving Clause
The Man at the Wheel
Spiking an Old Gun
Playing at Ghosts
"Two Blacks Don't Make a White"
From Pugilism to Pulpit
A Consistent Seceder
"No Road this Way!"
Shakespeare – Nowhere!
Steeple or People?
Hume Canonized
Two Ways of Mending Ways
The Prophet's Chamber
Objecting to Long Sermons
A Serious Dog and for a Serious Reason
A Clever "Turn"
Entrance Free, and "Everything Found"
Two Questions on the Fall of Man
The Speech of a Cannibal
Not "in Chains"
A Piper's Opinion of a Lord – and Himself
A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.)
A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing
Living With His Uncle
Pulpit Familiarity
A Churl Congratulated
Touching Each Other's Limitations
"Having the Advantage"
Giving Them the Length of His Tongue
Sectarian Resemblances
A Process of Exhaustion
A Thoughtless Wish
Sunday Thoughts on Recreation
Relieving His Wife's Anxiety
Radically Rude
"Gathering Up the Fragments"
Sleepy Churchgoers
A Highland Chief and His Doctor
"Rippets" and Humility
"Kaming" Her Ain Head
Splendid Use for Bagpipes
Practical Piety
"There Maun be Some Faut"
Deathbed Humor
A Matter-of-Fact Death Scene
Acts of Parliament "Exhausted"
Concentrated Caution
A "Grave" Hint
A Spiritual Barometer
A New Application of "The Argument from Design"
Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church
Born Too Late
A Preacher with his Back Towards Heaven
Nearer the Bottom than the Top
A Crushing Argument against MS. Sermons
Mortal Humor
A Fruitful Field
The "Minister's Man"
A New and Original Scene in "Othello"
The Shape of the Earth
Rivalry in Prayer
A Compensation Balance
The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn
Scotchmen Everywhere
A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books
"Fou' – Aince"
Sunday Drinking
Drawing an Inference
Going to Ramoth Gilead
Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David
A Sexton's Criticism
Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend
Pulpit Eloquence
Maunderings, by a Scotchman
A Leader's Description of His Followers
It Takes Two To Fight
"What's the Lawin', Lass?"
Meanness versus Crustiness
Speeding the Parting Guest
"Things Which Accompany Salvation"
Lights and Livers
Both Short
His Own, With "Interest"
"The Spigot's Oot"
Looking After Himself
An Epitaph to Order
A Variety Entertainment
A Descriptive Hymn
A Vigorous Translation
"Before the Provost!"
Denominational Graves
Escaping Punishment
Passing Remarks
Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff
"The," and "The Other"
"Old Clo'"
Church Popularity
Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses
A Stranger in the Court of Session
Wit and Humor Under Difficulties
An Affectionate Aunt
A Discerning Fool
A Law of Nature
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance
Highland "Warldliness"
A Paradox
A Sensible Lass
A Sad Loss
Catechising
Lord Cockburn Confounded
"No Compliments"
A Sensible Servant
A Lesson in Manners
A Magnanimous Cobbler
How Greyhounds are Produced
Vanity Scathingly Reproved
Gratifying Industry!
The Force of Habit
Significant Advice
A "Wigging"
A Poacher's Prayer
Broader than He was Long
"Prayer, with Thanksgiving"
An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity
Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel
A Test of Literary Appreciation
Ornithology
A Practical View of Matrimony
Winning the Race Instead of the Battle
"After You, Leddies"
"Ursa Major"
Sheridan's Pauses
Absent in Mind, and Body, Too
Prof. Aytoun's Courtship
A Sad Drinking Bout
Not Surprised
The Best Crap
A Marriage "Not Made in Heaven"
"Another Opportunity"
A Night in a Coal-cellar
Not Quite an Ass
A Cute Gaoler
Not Qualified to Baptize
One Scotchman Outwitted by Another
Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers
Glossary
Отрывок из книги
A young Englishman was at a party mostly composed of Scotchmen, and though he made several attempts to crack a joke, he failed to evoke a single smile from the countenances of his companions. He became angry, and exclaimed petulantly: "Why, it would take a gimlet to put a joke into the heads of you Scotchmen."
"Ay," replied one of them; "but the gimlet wud need tae be mair pointed than thae jokes."
.....
An ironmonger who kept a shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, and sold gunpowder and shot, when asked by any ignorant person in what respect "patent" shot – a new article at that time – surpassed the old kind, "Oh, sir," he would answer, "it shoots deader."
An old Scottish beggar, with bonnet in hand, appealed to a clergyman for "a bit of charity." The minister put a piece of silver into his hand.
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