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James Gilchrist Lawson. The World's Best Humorous Anecdotes
The World's Best Humorous Anecdotes
Table of Contents
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
NOT A VERY GREAT EXPLORER
NO MEMORY AT ALL
ABSENT-MINDED
WAS CERTAINLY FORGETFUL
ADVERTISING
MISAPPREHENSION
EXAGGERATED ADVERTISEMENTS
ADVICE
WAS CARRYING OUT HIS IDEAS
PROFESSIONAL ADVICE FREE
AGREEABLENESS
WAS VERY AGREEABLE
AMATEURS
PUT THE PAINT ON HIMSELF
ART
PORTRAITS AND PIECE-WORK
AN HONEST LABEL
INTERESTED
MARK TWAIN’S JOKE
SHE WAS ARTISTIC
WHY THEY HUNG THE PICTURE
AUTHORS
IT MIGHT BE PLAGIARIZED
HE HAD HIS PREFERENCE
NOT VERY DEFINITE
WHY HE WENT TO CHURCH
NO MENTALITY REQUIRED
TOO LONG
BETTER THAN HIS POETRY
A REASONABLE QUESTION
QUALIFIED AS A CRITIC
HE WAS LITERARY
NOT AN INSPIRATION
AUTOMOBILING
NEEDED NEW PARTS
ON THE RIGHT ROAD
MOTOR CAR MIGHT TEMPT HIM
APPROPRIATE FOR A TIN WEDDING
BOTH HAD EXPERIENCE
UNDER ARREST
THE GASOLINE LIFE. How dear to his heart is the little old flivver. That carries him out to his work and his play; He finds that its jolting is good for his liver. And woe to pedestrians who come in his way. With his cap and his gauntlets and a large pair of goggles, He makes an impression you will not forget. As he sits at the wheel where he teeters and joggles, And only the traffic cops cause him to fret
MODERN LANGUAGE
TOO MANY POINTS INVOLVED
NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE
GASOLINE AND GRAMOPHONES
TOO MANY CARELESS PEDESTRIANS
SELF-DENIAL?
SAW THE WOMAN ALL RIGHT
ANOTHER KIND OF OIL
A POPULAR DECISION
WHY SHE FELT SAFE
AN AUTO FACE NOT MOBILE
A FAST AUTOMOBILE
COULD NOT RUN A LAWN MOWER
THE ONLY DRAWBACK
WHAT HE WOULD GET
TAKING LIBERTIES
THE LEADING QUESTION
NOTHING WRONG WITH ITS APPETITE
WHY SHE WAS LIVING
FIREWATER AND GASOLINE
THE MODERN GIRL
AVIATION
A STRANGE MISTAKE
WHAT TO CALL AIR-FIENDS
A NEW DISTINCTION
THE STORK BROUGHT A MAN
LIKE A FLYING MACHINE
HAD NOT LEARNED YET
BABIES
HIS NEED
DID NOT KNOW THE SEX
BUILDING THE FAMILY TOO FAST
BETTER THAN AN ALARM CLOCK
A CURE FOR INSOMNIA
NO FAVORITES IN THE FAMILY
NOT INDISPENSABLE
KISSING THE BABY
THE BOSS WAS ASLEEP
A MORE APT DEFINITION
BALDNESS
AN EXCUSE FOR BALDNESS
HIS HAIR LIKE HEAVEN
WORSE THAN BALDNESS
BARGAINING
SHE WANTED A BARGAIN
DID NOT CARE ABOUT COMPLEXION
A BARGAIN THAT UPSET HIM
BASEBALL
GOT HIS BASE ON AN ERROR
THE WRONG TEXT BOOK
WAS NOT A MULE
A SIMILAR SUBJECT
AN ACCOMPLISHED PITCHER
BEGGING
TRAVELING IN A CIRCLE
WAS NOT A CANNIBAL
A SAD TALE
WAS NOT THERE
HIS TROUBLE EASILY CURED
HIS MINIMUM EXPENSE
PROVED HE WAS A SOLDIER
A TALE OF TWO IMPOSTORS
HIS PREFERENCE
POOR THROUGH PHILANTHROPY
COULDN’T SEE HIS FACE
AN OFFICIOUS REPRESENTATIVE
AN URGENT REQUEST
BLUFFING
BROTHERLY LOVE
BLUNDERING
LAPSUS LINGUAE
NEEDED MORE THAN ONE DONKEY
EXPLAINING AN EQUINOX
THEY KNEW HIM
BOASTING
TOOK THE WIND OUT OF HIS SAILS
A STRANGE SUNSET
PLAINLY AN AMATEUR
A DEFENSE OF EGOTISM. A man should blow his own big horn; This right must not be mooted, For if he does not blow his horn, The same will not be tooted
MISUNDERSTOOD
DIDN’T TOUCH HIM
HE QUIT TOO SOON
BOMBAST
WAS BEYOND HIS “JURYDICTION”
WHERE HE WAS LACKING
NEGROES’ LOVE FOR BIG WORDS
USING PRECISE LANGUAGE
IN SCIENTIFIC LANGUAGE
COLLEGE DAIRYING
WANTED TO BE PROCRASTINATED
NEW NAME FOR A LIE
BIG WORDS
BORES
WHAT MEMORY IS
SAID A CLEVER THING TOO OFTEN
STRANGE
WOULD FURNISH THE MONEY
BORROWING
MUST BORROW SOMETHING
WOULD HAVE TO SPONGE ELSEWHERE
TROUBLED ABOUT BORROWING
DID NOT RETURN HER BOW
A GREAT CALAMITY
BULLS
HUMOURS OF PUBLIC SPEAKING
EFFICIENCY AND ENTERPRISE
NOT DEAD BUT SPEECHLESS
EASY ENOUGH?
IMPOSSIBLE TO OBEY
NOT KNOWN AT CHARLOTTESVILLE
ALSO AWKWARD
CHECKING HER UP WITH THE DICTIONARY
AN IRISH BULL
ANOTHER IRISH BULL
TWO-LEGGED PHEASANTS
WAS CURED OF INSOMNIA
A CONTRARY YOUNGSTER
THE GLAD HAND FOR JOHNNY
A RATHER AWKWARD PERFORMANCE
A REGULAR CENTIPEDE
WHY SHE LIKED IBSEN
THREE HALVES
A DOCTOR’S BILL
DISBELIEVED IN PHRENOLOGY
BUNGLING
HE WAS AN APT PUPIL
CORRECTING HIS MISTAKE
A VERY POLITE NOTE
PRESSED THE WRONG WAY
EASY TO GUESS
NOT ACCURATE
CANDOR
FINDING THE RENT
BRIGHT AND BREEZY
A FRANK DEBUTANTE
WOULD NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS
HIS WIFE KNEW ALL ABOUT IT
NOT QUITE ALL WOOL
CATS
CATCH ME, IF YOU CAN
A BOY’S ESSAY ON CATS
HOW HE GOT THE MALTESE CROSS
CAUTIOUSNESS
PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHY
THE HORNETS WERE ORGANIZED
WOULD APPRECIATE THE DIFFERENCE
WHY HE FELT SAFE
TAKING NO CHANCES
SOUGHT RELIEF
CAUTION
CHARACTER
GIVE THE DEAD HIS DUE
HOW TO KNOW HIS MASTER
CHARITY
EXPERIMENTAL RELIGION
HOW SHE HELPED THE POOR
DID NOT FORGET MISSIONS
AN ANONYMOUS CHECK
CHEATING
HOLDING HIS JOB
AGREED WITH HER
NEVER DID IT BEFORE
ON HIS EMPLOYER’S TIME
AS GUARANTEED
MAKING PUDDING WITHOUT MILK
HONESTY THE BEST POLICY
DID NOT KEEP THE WATCH
COULD SELL HIM A BOAT
SOLD THE SAMPLE APPLES
TO SAVE TROUBLE
CHEATING THE DOCTOR
CHILDREN
WORSE THAN AN EARTHQUAKE
AN ALARM DEVICE
NO DANGER OF CHOKING
HOW HE KNEW SHE WAS SINGLE
CHILDREN AND ECONOMY
CHILDREN’S SAYINGS
SCHOOL EXAMINATION ANSWERS
A BOY’S ESSAY ON “BREATH”
SOME SCHOOL-BOY DEFINITIONS
COULDN’T LOCATE THE DEAD SEA
A BOY’S COMPOSITION ON TEETH
THEY MADE A WRONG GUESS
DIDN’T KNOW HIS NAME
DISCOVERED
MENTIONED TWELVE ANIMALS
SHE TEACHED HIM
LEARNING GRAMMAR
LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL
MILITARY BREVITY
A NEW NAME FOR IT
ACCORDING TO JOHNNY
THE PLURAL OF CHILD
HAD ENOUGH FOR ONE WEEK
ONE WAY TO DO IT
EXPLAINED
HOW TO SPELL MOUSE
IT WAS CORRECT
HIS CHRISTIAN NAME
A WORD MEANING “FULL OF”
AN IMPERTINENT QUESTION
A LESSON IN BOTANY
THE PSALM OF LIFE
‘Liza Grape men allry mindus. Weaken maka ‘Liza Blime, An’ departing Lee B. Hindus. Footbrin Johnny Sands a time!
COULDN’T BE PUNISHED
WHO CYCLOPS WAS
DID NOT FAVOR ELECTRIC SWITCHING
CONFOUNDING A SCIENTIST
DID NOT WASH BOTH EARS
A QUESTION OF LOCATION
TWO EXTINCT ANIMALS
NOT A CONJUNCTION
SHE DIDN’T KNOW SHEEP
COULD DESCRIBE A CATERPILLAR
A. D. MIGHT MEAN AFTER DARK
WOULD HAVE COLD FEET
COULD NOT SERVE GOD AND MAMMA
THE PROPERTY OF EVE
COULDN’T FEEL SHE WASN’T HURT
WHAT CAIN DID
WHY WASN’T HIS PAPA TALL?
SHE WAS A PRESBYTERIAN
THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE
THE PARTY WAS TOO INFERNAL
THOUGHT THE DEVIL WAS DEAD
NOT FOR HONOR’S SAKE
HER NAME NOT IN THE BIBLE
A DIPLOMATIC YOUNGSTER
A CALM RESPONSE
WHY SHE WAS GOOD
HIS GOOD DEED
VERY PUZZLING
A MIRACULOUS ESCAPE
THEY ALL DID
NOT THE RIGHT QUEEN
“THAT’S WHAT MA’S AFRAID OF”
SHE WAS TIRED
DUST CAN ACHE “The preacher says. We’re made o’ dust,” Said little Tommy Blake “I’ve eaten too much dinner— An’— Gee whiz, but dust can ache!”
THOUGHT SATAN MUST BE ABOUT
MUST NOT TALK IN CHURCH
TIMELY WARNING
MEANING OF THE LESSON
WANTED TO GO WITH HIS PARENTS
SHE DIDN’T KNOW
THE TEXT
CHILDREN’S CHILDREN
CHANGING A DIME
JESSIE REMEMBERED
PERSEVERANCE
WOULD HAVE TO START EARLIER
THAT’S THE STUFF
SHE WAS RIGHT
THE LETTER AND THE SPIRIT
WAS IT JUST FOR FUN?
KEEPING TRACK OF THEM
STILL HAD A CHANCE
DID NOT LIKE THE SPOTTED DOG
WANTED TO BE A VENUS DE MILO
SHE WAS DISAPPOINTED
WHY HE SOLD PAPERS
STUCK UP FOR HIS DAD
HE WAS LIKE A WAGON
OBEYED HIS MOTHER
KNEW JUST AS MUCH AS ROOSTERS
HER NOSE GOING DEAF
NOT AS ANTICIPATED
NOT FUN TO HER
THOUGHT HE WAS BLIND
HE WAS THE LITTLE BOY
DOUBLED HIS WEIGHT
THE PIE’S MIDDLE NAME
THE OCEAN WAS TOO FULL
THE NIGHT OF THE BATH
HAD ENOUGH CHILDREN
ONLY THE DOG HEARD THEM
WHAT HE WAS GOING TO BE
DID NOT ENVY HIS FATHER
A NATURAL INQUIRY
IT MADE A DIFFERENCE
WANTED TO ATTRACT ATTENTION
GRATEFUL TO THE COW
SAW THE THUNDER WINK
HAD REASON TO BE GENEROUS
HINDERED
QUICK WORK
TIME TO BEGIN
THOUGHT THE CAT WAS BOILING
EVERYBODY ACCOMMODATED
SOMETHING NEW
TIRED OF OUTSIDERS
NO BABY POLICEMEN
HE HAD TO FINISH THE BOOK
WHAT HE GAVE HIS BROTHER
HIS REFERENCES WERE GOOD
MEASURING CLOTH
WHAT MADE HIM SORE
WHY SHE WAS SO SOBER
WHY SHE WANTED A BABY BROTHER
SHE HAD FORGOTTEN
SHE HAD THE LAST WORD
HAD IT HALF THE TIME
DID NOT WANT TO BE BOILED
KLEPTOMANIA
BOOKWORM AND FISHWORM
WANTED THE COLLECTION EXPLAINED
LAUGHTER
EASY TO TAKE HER WAY
WHERE BAD PEOPLE GO
CAME DOWN LIKE A LADY
WAS SHE RUDE?
A NATURAL REPLY
CHINESE HUMOR
WANTED SQUEAKY SHOES
A CHINESE JOKE ABOUT TAFT
A CHINESE PUN
HE WAS NOT LOST
CHURCH COLLECTIONS
A UNIQUE COLLECTION BOX
LED IN THE COLLECTIONS
SALVATION FREE AS WATER
WHY HE GAVE
COMPANY
HAD THE HOGS’ COMPANY
COMPLIMENTS
AN EXPERT
THE FIRST ENCOURAGEMENT HE HAD
DUBIOUS COMPLIMENT
TENDER-HEARTED
CONFESSION
THE PART HE TOOK
CONSCIENCE
OFTEN FINDS THE LINE BUSY
COOKING
HAD TRIED THE SOUP
A HARD PUDDING
ONLY TWO CIGARS A MONTH
HE MISUNDERSTOOD HER
TRY THIS
DESERVED TO BE TRIED
HEAVY PUDDING
NO HIDDEN INSINUATION
HER DIPLOMA FOR COOKING
WHERE POEMS USUALLY GO
BISCUITS LIKE HIS MOTHER MADE
COURTESY
ENTERTAINING A PRINCE
READY TO JOIN HER CLUB
WAS VERY CHIVALROUS
ENGLISH FIRST
AN EXAMPLE OF FRENCH COURTESY
BOTH HAD DETERIORATED
WHY SHE DISLIKED HIM
HE WAS VERY POLITE
CONSCIENTIOUS
WHY HE DID NOT SEE HER
WHY HE GAVE HER HIS SEAT. I rose with a great alacrity. To offer her my seat; ’Twas a question whether she or I. Should stand upon my feet
COURTSHIP
COOKING NOT THE FIRST CONSIDERATION
WAS KIND TO THE PAWNBROKER
ONLY A CHILD
A CHANCE TO BE ACCEPTED
WHY THE LAMP WENT OUT. In the parlor there were three, She, the parlor-lamp, and he; Two is company, no doubt, So the little lamp went out!
LEFT HER PIPE
A DILEMMA
THE GIRL FOR HIM
FURIOUSLY ANGRY
PHOTOGRAPHY LIKE LOVE
NOT HIS SISTER’S CUP
WHY HE DROPPED HER
HE NEEDED A CRANK
HER FATHER HAD THE SAME IDEA
AN ALTERNATIVE
CRITICISM
THE CRITIC
HIS HEARING DEFECTIVE
A FAKE STORY
KEEP THEM IN PICKLE. If you have gracious words to say. Oh, give them to our hearts to-day, But if your words will cause us sorrow. Pray keep them to the last to-morrow
IN HIS NEIGHBOR’S EYES
PEANUTS FOR PESSIMISTS. The pessimists would. Have us believe. This beautiful world. Of ours is headed for. The jumping off place. And that they can. Stand on one foot. And feel it slipping. But, as you yourself. Probably have noticed, There are bright spots. Here and there. Frinstance, While you get fewer. Goobers for a nickel. Than you used to. They smell just as. Fetching as ever. When they are hot
CURIOSITY
BOTH WERE SATISFIED
HEARING A PIN DROP. A pin may drop in such a way. That nothing could be louder, Just drop one that’s red hot some day. Into a keg of powder
NOT SATISFIED
DEBTORS AND CREDITORS
A LEGAL RECEIPT
WRONG IDEA ABOUT A FREE PRESS
SOMETHING GREATER THAN MONEY
WHY IT WAS EPISCOPALIAN
LIKED THEIR COLLECTING LETTERS
EXTRAORDINARY
READY TO GIVE TO HIS CREDITORS
WHY HE CALLED THE HOSPITALS
WAS EVEN WITH THE WORLD
THE NAME FOR DESCENDANTS
MIGHT BE DISHONEST
TOOK PRECAUTIONS
AN UNFORTUNATE LOAN
WIPING OUT DEBTS
HAD WAITED LONGEST
HOW HE COULD PAY
TAKING PRECAUTIONS
ETERNITY
DOING SETTLEMENT WORK
HITS AND HAPPENINGS
SETTLED HIS AMENS
FOR THE LAST TIME
HIS ADDRESS
DEFINITIONS
ALLITERATIVE DEFINITIONS
WEBSTER NEVER THOUGHT OF THESE
GOOD ADVICE FROM MANY SOURCES
FREE TRANSLATION
A CURIOUS WORD
HE WAS NOT A PILGRIM
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “SET” AND “SIT”
MEANING OF “NOT TRANSFERABLE”
RESULTS AND CONSEQUENCES
WHAT IS A NECESSARY EVIL?
HIS IDEA OF AN OPTIMIST
EXECUTIVE ABILITY
A CONCRETE NOUN
HIGHEST FORM OF ANIMAL LIFE
DEFINITION OF AN EGG
A HYPOCRITE
A SWIMMING HOLE
FAME A BUBBLE
WHO IS A FRIEND
GOT MIXED ON THE VOWELS
SOME SCHOOL-BOY DEFINITIONS
A DEFINITION OF MEN
A MOSQUITO. The skeeter is a bird of prey, Which flies around at night. About three-eighths of it is beak, And five-eighths appetite. And fifteen-eighths or so is buzz, And nineteen-eighths is bite
THE BOARD OF EDUCATION
CAPITAL AND LABOR
DRAMA AND MELODRAMA
MEANING OF HORSE SENSE
A SYNONYM
A BUTTRESS
CIVILIZATION
DENSENESS
NO BRIGAND
MADE SURE HE WAS DEAD
THE MATTER WITH THE MAIL
DID NOT NEED ANOTHER BRUSH
DID NOT MAKE HIS HAIR GROW
STRICT REGULATIONS
SNOW OR——?
GETTING USED TO THEM
THE BOOK NO GOOD TO HIM
WOULD FIND IT STRANGE AT FIRST
NOT SO SERIOUS
THAT WAS VERY EASY
SHE WAS IN A PREDICAMENT
NO WARNING BOARD
HIS STRENGTH WAS FAILING
FOR FIRE ONLY
WANTED THE FIRST EDITION
DID NOT TAKE THE HINT
DENTISTS
NOT OVERCHARGING
HAD A HOLE IN HIS TOOTH
THE MAN WORTH WHILE. It is easy enough to be happy. When life is a bright, rosy wreath, But the man worth while. Is the man who can smile. When the dentist is filling his teeth
A SPECIALIST ON TEETH
MIGHT HURT JUST A LITTLE
THE COLLEGE YELL
IN HIS OWN TONGUE
DISAPPOINTMENTS
HE WAS DISAPPOINTED
WHAT HE REALLY NEEDED
TOO WELL REMEMBERED
SHE WANTED A PRESENT
DOCTORS
SPECIAL FEES
THE EDITORIAL OMNISCIENCE
A CLOSE CALL
THE OSTEOPATH’S FAVORITE HYMN
WHY HE HEARD NO COMPLAINT
WOULD ENJOY GOOD HEALTH
COULD HAVE DONE BETTER AT HOME
FAIR PLAY FOR THE DOCTOR
WHY HE WANTED A COFFIN
NEVER AGAIN
LAWYERS AND DOCTORS
DIED WITHOUT MEDICAL ASSISTANCE
DOCTOR AND DEBTOR. Said a man who was sick, Mr. Proctor, “If I don’t very shortly get better. The calls of this fancy-priced Dr. Will make me forever his Dr.”
THE MEANING OF FALSE DOCTRINE
A RULE THAT WORKED BOTH WAYS
A QUACK’S REPLY
THE SECRET OF GOOD HEALTH
PATRIOTIC
ON THE LEVEL OF THE DOCTOR
HE WAS SOLE BENEFICIARY
IT WORKED BOTH WAYS
DOGS
DID THE DOG KNOW THE PROVERB?
HIS BARK MUST BE AWFUL
AFRAID OF A BARKING DOG
COULD NOT BE VERY BAD
DOMESTIC LIFE
HIS DESTINATION
HER LOVE POTION
NEW USE FOR A HOPE BOX
NO OTHER MAN LIKE HIM
WHY HE WANTED A DIVORCE
WORSE THAN HE THOUGHT
WHY HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL
HE COULD NOT AFFORD IT
SHE CONGRATULATED HIM
MADE A SLIGHT MISTAKE
IT MADE NO DIFFERENCE
ONLY KIND TO DUMB ANIMALS
TOO MUCH FOR PLEASURE?
HAD STRUCK ANOTHER LIGHT
WANTED TO DO LIGHT HOUSE-KEEPING
THE LABORER WORTHY OF HER HIRE
MAILED HER LETTER?
HIS FATHER WAS POOR AT EXCUSES
WANTED HIM TO WRITE OFTEN
IT MIGHT CHANGE HIS WIFE
A BACHELOR A HAPPY MAN
CHARGED TOO MUCH
NOT OPENING IT WITH PRAYER
A HIGHBROW DISPUTE
NOT VERBALLY
WANTED HIS SECRET
A SUBORDINATE POSITION
COULDN’T GIVE SO MUCH MONEY
MADE ALTERATIONS
ENTITLED TO A PENSION
WANTED TO KNOW HIS SECRET
“WHICH WAS TO BE PROVED”
LEARNING HIS LESSON
A CHANGE OF SENTIMENT
NOT NECESSARILY A BIGAMIST
BORROWING TROUBLE
WHY HE WAS INDEPENDENT
BETTER SATISFIED WITH HIS WIFE
SURE ENOUGH
FLARES UP
NO DISGRACE TO WORK
A VACATION AT HOME
A DIPLOMAT
“OF ALL SAD WORDS”
HIS INCOME
NOT PATRIOTIC
WHY HE FELL
WANTED TO KNOW THE MINIMUM
A GOOD WOMAN
LIKE A MAN
ABSENT-MINDED
WHY SHE WAS HAPPY
THE RESULT OF EXERCISE
HAD THE SYMPTOMS
DOMESTIC ECONOMY
JUST SETTLING THE QUESTION
FOOLED HIS WIFE
NO ROOM FOR COMPETITION
THEY COMPROMISED
HAPPILY MARRIED
WOMAN NOT A PART OF SPEECH
SHE WAS NOT CERTAIN
NOT FIT FOR A DOG
EVEN-TEMPERED
DRESS
THE PRICE PROVED IT
MIGHT TRY ANOTHER BREASTPIN
A MARTYR TO HER BELIEF
HAD THE HAT TWO YEARS
DID NOT LIKE THE SERMON
THE SIN WAS ON HER HEAD
SHE WAS WEAK TOO
JEALOUSY
PRACTISING ECONOMY
HER PINS WERE EXPENSIVE
JUST SO
EATING
KEEPING TAB ON HIM
WAS GOING TO VISIT THE BROWNS
HIS BIGGEST STORY
SHE WAS LACKING IN TACT
WAS SOME KIND OF “TARIAN”
COULD NOT MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND
STARTLED THE WAITER
A LEARNED WAITER
APPLE SAUCE OUT OF BREAD
LEGEND OF THE MINCE PIE
WAS NOT COMPULSORY SOUP
HE WAS NOT A MAGICIAN
ON A DIET
HAD THE WRONG NAME
THE AGE OF A TURKEY
WANTED TO GIVE HIM MORE PIE
EFFECT OF EATING ON DREAMS
WAS DOING HIS BEST
HAD NOT FORGOTTEN THEM
A NEW VOCABULARY
A DISTINCT DIFFERENCE ’Twixt a glutton and a starving man. There’s a difference rather neat. The first is one who eats too long, While the other longs to eat
TOO SMALL AN ORDER
A PRIZE SANDWICH
A CONNECTION
DID NOT UNDERSTAND GERMAN
HAD GONE THE LIMIT
LIVED A YEAR ON MILK
ECONOMY
ENTITLED TO THE DISCOUNT
COULD HELP BY AND BY
THOUGHT ICE WAS NOT NECESSARY
WASTING ENERGY
ECONOMY
GOT HIS COAL FREE
ONE WAY TO SAVE MONEY
SAVING TIME
SPILLED MILK
WAS WILLING TO WAIT
EDITORS
EDITORIAL COURTESY
WAS SORRY HE WAS OUT
SUDDEN MILITANCY
EDUCATION
NOT A REGULAR BARBER
HAD LEARNED TO READ
THE TABLES TURNED
WANTED HIM TO LEARN “TRIGGERNOMETRY”
NOT A BOOK ABOUT MOTHS
HOW HE GOT HIS DEGREE
WANTED HIM TO GET “NOLEGE”
NOT THAT KIND OF FENCING
A NEW DEGREE
A PRECOCIOUS YOUNGSTER
HE ALSO FAILED TO GET ONE
A SORT OF DIPLOMA
A BIBLICAL ILLUSTRATION
WAS EXPOSED TO IT ONLY
MAKING PROGRESS
A COLLEGE WITHOUT A YELL
THEY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND
HIS P. A. SUPPORTED HIM
COULD WRITE SHORTHAND
ENGLISH
EFFICIENCY
HE KNEW HOW TO POLISH
EGOTISM
SELF-APPRECIATION. De hoot owl said to de whippoorwill: “You don’t sing nuffin an’ you won’t keep still. You ought to take notice dat it would be. Polite to let folks listen to me.” Says de whippoorwill to de old hoot owl: “You sleeps all day an’ at night you prowl, An’ you shows yoh igno’unce all complete. Interruptin’ de music dat I make so sweet.” An’ dat’s de way wif man an’ bird, Each thinks his voice should sure be heard. An’ mos’ of us ain’ got much mo’ skill. Dan de old hoot owl an’ de whippoorwill
NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE
THE MODEST LIEUTENANT
THE KIND OF FELLOW HE WAS
SOMEBODY LIKED HIM
SELF-CONCEITED
LIFE LIKE A STAGE
EMBARRASSING
A DIFFICULT PROBLEM
MISUNDERSTOOD HIS MEANING
WAS GLAD TO MEET HER
ENGLISH HUMOR
HOW AMERICA HAPPENED TO BE DISCOVERED
DID AS HE WAS TOLD
ALL DROPPED THE H
HER FIRST REPORT
OVERDOING VENTILATION
GOT EVERYTHING REVERSED
A BAD ENGLISHMAN
TOO MANY HAITCHES
ENTERPRISE
WANTED TO RAISE HIS DEPOSIT
A SAMPLE OF INTENSIVE FARMING
TRUE. A man who had nothing to do. For the fun of it went to Peru; After one week in Lima. He took a home steamer. And lectured on “Life in Peru.”
A GOOD COLLECTOR
WHO KILLED CONCENTRATION?
ERRORS
A COUNTRY PAPER’S MIX
SOME QUEER ADVERTISEMENTS
HIS PYGMY COUNTERPART
A TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR
HAD TO FIGHT SOME ONE
A WEDDING “BILL”
A MORTIFYING MISTAKE
EVASION
HER HUSBAND SAW THE SHERIFF
EMBARRASSING TARIFF LAWS
OBEYING ORDERS
THE MEANING WAS THE SAME
EVOLUTION
POOR GRANDMOTHER!
EXAGGERATION
DID NOT KNOW GOOSEBERRIES
VERY FAST TRAVELLING
A GROSS EXAGGERATION
FARMERS
A SUCCESSFUL EXPERIMENT
MOUNTAINS NOT SCENERY
A PIOUS FARMER
CITY AND COUNTRY
TOO MUCH RAIN
THE MEANING OF “GENTLEMAN FARMER”
SMALL ACRES
EXPERT ADVICE ON CHICKENS
THREE KINDS OF FARMING
THOUGHT HE WAS A FARMER
FASHIONS
HE WAS SKINNED TOO
THE ANIMAL THAT SUFFERED
THE BULL NOTICED IT
EQUALLY BAD
WHAT AMUSED HIM
RELUCTANT EARS
THE NEW WOMAN “There, little girl, don’t cry; They have broken your doll, I know”— Then she turned around, and behold, I saw. A woman of sixty or so
LOUIS XV HEELS
DEIFYING FASHION
FATNESS
HOW HE STOPPED THE EXPRESS
A FAT PASSENGER
ONLY ONE THING WOULD FIT HIM
COULD SEE HER THREE BLOCKS
FEAR
HAD A GOOD NIGHT’S REST
NOT A BURGLAR
WHY SOME MEN ARE FEARLESS. He that’s called the Fearless One. Oft is he that Fears to Run
EASILY SATISFIED
FIGHTING
WOULD RATHER BE CALLED A COWARD
SENSITIVE IF HE WAS A LIAR
WHY HE WANTED GAS
HOW TO CHEER HIM
WASTED SYMPATHY
HOW HE ESCAPED
WOULD FIGHT THE SMALL MAN
NOT LICKED WHILE HE COULD SPEAK
HOW HE GOT THE MEDAL
REALIZING THE INSULT
FISHING
SAD FISH STORY “A canny young fisher named Fisher. Once fished from the edge of a fissure. A fish with a grin. Pulled the fisherman in— Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.”
HIS FRIENDS WERE MEAN
NEITHER ONE VALUED TIME
MEANT THE SAME THING
NOT A CRIME
IN SPRINGTIME. I sometimes drop the fish a line. But can’t deny. These little overtures of mine. Get no reply
ONLY FEEDING THE FISH
FLIMSINESS
A FLIMSY HOUSE
FOOTBALL
AN HONORABLE SCAR
FORTUNE TELLING
ONE OBSTACLE IN THE WAY
WANTED FINANCIAL REVERSES
FRENCH HUMOR
A LONG CHASE
WAS DISCOURAGED WITH ENGLISH
HIS FRENCH WAS TOO PARISIAN
GARDENING
WOULD NOT EVOLVE FURTHER
PRACTICAL GARDENING
WHAT ONE GROWS IN A GARDEN
GOLF
HANDICAPPED
NOT ADAPTED TO EACH OTHER “Alas, our interests lie. In different spheres,” said Nan. For she was a golfing girl. And he was a baseball fan
EXPENSIVE GOLF
GOSSIPING
IT WASN’T HER FAULT
GREED
NOT FOR THE PUBLIC BENEFIT
THE MODERN PRODIGAL
HOBBIES
COULDN’T GET OFF A HOBBY
HUNTING
HOW JOHN GOT SHOT
ILLITERACY
TALKING FRENCH
WHAT ARE KEATS?
WINDFALL CUCUMBERS?
SHE COULDN’T WRITE
HAD NEVER SEEN CAVIAR
NOT INTERESTED IN SCANDAL
HE HAD AN ALIBI
DID NOT WRITE HIS NAME
ANOTHER VERSION
NOT A WRITING EXPERT
HAD A DIFFICULT OPERATION
WHAT HE WAS DOING
SHE WAS VERY RESOURCEFUL
IT WAS A MYTH
HOPED SHE WOULD MARRY AN AMERICAN
THE WORST YET
THOUGHT IT THE TEMPLE OF DINAH
NO SHAKESPEARIAN QUOTATIONS
SAW HIM AT McMICK’S
A STRANGE ANIMAL
DID NOT QUITE UNDERSTAND
WHY HE DID NOT EAT APPLES
NOT A BOTANIST
NERO AND ZERO
A VETERINARY SURGEON
SHE HAD THE EXPERIENCE
HE AND SHE
IMPERTINENCE
ALL FOR JOHNNY’S PLEASURE
WHY SHE STOPPED THE CAR
GREAT EFFRONTERY
INNUENDO
WHAT KEPT HIM HUMBLE
WAS ALL RIGHT FOR A GOOSE
A RELIEF TO MEET HIM
WOUNDED BY ACCIDENT
ANGERED HER
MORE THAN HE DESERVED
NOT USED TO FINGER-BOWLS
MUST PAY THE DAMAGES
WAS IT A SLIGHT?
WHAT HE MEANT
ONLY A MINUTE REQUIRED
FRIGHTFUL FOR BOTH
HAD TO GIVE SOME REASON
IN A NUTSHELL
NONE IN THE HOUSE
INSURANCE
AN INSURANCE ANECDOTE
THE CAUSE OF HER EXCITEMENT
THE FACILITIES UNCERTAIN
PROTECTED AGAINST FIRE
THE RESULT OF A “PULL”
IRISH HUMOR
NOT TOO SICK TO RIDE
THOUGHT THE LINE HAD BEEN CUT
WOULD NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
NOT COMPETING WITH DICKENS
WANTED AN AMERICAN NAME
DID NOT LOOK LIKE VICTORY
NOT USED TO ELEVATORS
THOUGHT HE KNEW HOW
IRELAND AHEAD
WAS A DISTANT RELATIVE
HIS SISTER MARRIED ONE
STRANGE SECURITY
THE NAME WAS ENOUGH
“TOO PREVIOUS”
TOO WEAK
WHY HE STARTED THE FIGHT
NO PLACE FOR PAPER SKULLS
PROUD OF HIS NATIONALITY
NO SCOUNDRELS IN THAT CEMETERY
IRONY
WHY HE DIDN’T WALK
JEWISH HUMOR
WHY IT WAS A VILLAGE
NO USE DODGING BULLETS
BUSINESS
THE JEW WON
KIND-HEARTEDNESS
BROKE THE NEWS GENTLY
LAW-SUITS
CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE
ASKED A LEADING QUESTION
HE KNEW MORE THAN ALL
PAT’S CONVERSATION
WAS THE UNFITNESS MUTUAL?
HELD HIM NOT GUILTY
NOT THE FAULT OF THE COW
TOO LIMITED
A BORN FIGHTER
WHAT HIT HIM
A BAD MIX
VICTIM OF AN UNLUCKY NUMBER
DID NOT WANT TO BE PESTERED
AN AGGRAVATED CASE
TRESPASSING ON ETERNITY
SETTLING OUT OF COURT
NOT MAKING HIS DEBUT
LAWYERS
ROOM FOR DOUBT
DISCOURAGED
WHY SHE DID NOT TALK
PAYING HIS WAY
NEW USE FOR AN ALARM-CLOCK
WOULD HAVE NO COMPETITION
LAWYERS’ FEES
MUST KNOW HIS CHARGES FIRST
ACQUITTED HIMSELF
HE COULD NOT SAY
HE NEEDED A LAWYER
PROVING HIS CLIENT’S INNOCENCE
LAWYERS
HE WAS CONSIDERATE
UNUSUAL FOR A LAWYER
LAWYERS AND LIARS
HIS ANNUITY GONE
LAZINESS
MORBUS SABBATICUS
WAITING TO STOP
THOUGHT IT WAS THE LORD
THE CONSCIENTIOUS HORSE
ENVIABLE
THEIR PRINCIPAL EMPLOYMENT
A GOOD PROVIDER
THE MAN AND THE JOB
WHY THEY RAISED HOGS
OVERWORKED AT BILLIARDS
RIDING MORE PLEASANT THAN WALKING
WHERE HARD WORK KILLED
A TRAMP ON MEDICAL ADVICE
WAS BALANCING THE LEDGER
LIKE HIS HIRED MAN
SOME OF THEM
DID NOT SOUND GOOD TO HIM
A CASE FOR DAMAGES
THE JOB HE WANTED
HIS EDUCATIONAL HARDSHIPS
SO SHE WAS
WHY THE HOUSE WAS NOT REPAIRED
COULD EASILY TAKE HIM
LOQUACIOUSNESS
DID NOT LOOK AT HER TONGUE
THE LECTURE WAS TOO LONG
A SYNOPSIS WOULD DO
PREFERRED THE VOICE OF CONSCIENCE
LACKED TERMINAL FACILITIES
HOW TO SEEM WISE
NOT AN EXPERT
HADN’T TIME TO COME IN
ANSWERING FOOLISH QUESTIONS
MARRIAGE
RARE INSIGHT
NOT MISS WILBERFORCE FOREVER
SHE QUESTIONED HIS MOTIVES
DIFFERENT OPINIONS
MADE SEVEN HAPPY
THE BRIBE AND GLOOM
COULDN’T DO ANY BETTER
THE BRIDEGROOM WAS POOR
A SUITABLE MATCH
DIDN’T NEED A REFERENCE
HER FATHER WOULD NOT CARE
SHE WOULD NEVER MARRY
HIS MARRIAGE A FAILURE
THE BAIT GROWING STALE
WOULDN’T MARRY HER FOR MONEY
MISJUDGING
AS SEEN BY OTHERS
A FORTUNE. If Mary lived to-day and led. Her little lamb to school. Instead of to the butcher’s, why, We’d think she was a fool
MISTAKES
IT WAS THE WRONG PARTY
NO TIME TO CELEBRATE
THOUGHT IT WAS HER BOTTLE
RATHER LATE TO GET UP
MILKWEED
NOT THE SETTING SUN
COULDN’T FIND THE HYMN
MISCALCULATED
IT WAS NOT HER ROOM
FAST TRAVELLING
THOUGHT HE HAD A BAD COLD
BIGOTRY
SOLD!
DREAMED HE WAS FAMOUS
NOT AN OAK
INACCURATE
A BAY STATE SOLOMON
MIXED TWINS
A DISAPPOINTED BURGLAR. A burglar entered by mistake. A poet’s room one day, And, finding there was nothing else. To steal, he stole away
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
WHEN HE FIRST SAW DAYLIGHT
DID AS HE WAS TOLD
NOT WALTER RALEIGH
THE WRONG BILL
POOR ENUNCIATION
SHE MISUNDERSTOOD HIM
WHERE WOULD HE BE
WHERE THEY KEPT TRANSIENTS
NOT FOR SEED
NOT TELLING LIES
NOT SEVERE ENOUGH
HE WORE A FIFTEEN SHIRT
NOT FINE BUT SUBJECT TO FINE
THE NATURE OF HER COMPLAINT
GIFTED? I SHOULD SAY
NO ADENOIDS THERE?
WHAT THEY ALL SAID
PATRONIZED HOME INDUSTRY
DEATH RATE THE SAME EVERYWHERE
WORE THE STRIPES. When the donkey saw the zebra. He began to switch his tail; “Well, I never,” was his comment; “There’s a mule that’s been in jail.”
WAS STILL HUNGRY
NOT A PLANT
COULD NOT SIT ON HER HAND
NO SOMNAMBULISM THERE
MONARCHY
IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE
MORTIFYING
A CLOSE GUESS
SOMETHING FOR HER NECK
SHE COULD RECOGNIZE HIM
HURT HER FEELINGS
MISS LANE’S CAPACITY
THE CASE WAS HOPELESS
WAS LOOKING AT THE DAUGHTER
MOTION PICTURES
THE EFFECTS OF PICTURE SHOWS. There was a girl in our town, And she was wondrous wise. She went to see a picture show. And cried out both her eyes; And when she saw her eyes were gone, With all her might and main. She hurried to another show, Which shocked them in again!
TEACHING BY MOVIES
SCIENCE A WONDERFUL THING
THE MOVIES AS EDUCATORS
HELPING THE MOVIES
NOT AN EASY TASK
SHE COULDN’T HEAR A WORD
MUDDLING
“TANGLE-TONGUE”
MUDDLED
WAS NOT SERIOUSLY INJURED
THE VERDICT OR THE JURY
WAS SOME BETTER
TWISTED
MUST BE PATIENT
COULD NOT REPLACE HER
MIXED METAPHOR
A QUALIFYING CLAUSE
HIS ABSENCE EXPLAINED
QUITE A FEW PRESENT
A DANGEROUS QUEST
BOTH WERE MUDDLED
TWISTS OF THE TONGUE
MIXING ’EM UP
SOME MODERN SIGNS
MUSIC AND SINGING
YOU’VE HEARD HIM. When Peter sang the rafters rang, He made the great church reel; His voice it rang a clarion clang, Or like a cannon’s peal. Yes, Peter made the rafters ring, And never curbed his tongue; Albeit Peter could not sing, Yet Peter always sung. Ah, wide did he his wild voice fling. Promiscuous and free. Despite the fact he could not sing, Why, all the more sang he. With clamorous clang. And resonant bang. His thunders round he flung; He could not sing. One single thing: Yet Peter always sung
AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION
THE CHOIR HARDLY KNEW HER
WHY HE WANTED HER TO SING
THE SYMPHONY OF NEW YORK
WHY HE FELT BLUE
HANGING HER HARP TOO HIGH
ALL WERE MUSICALLY INCLINED
A SUITABLE SELECTION
ADMIRED HIS SPUNK
SHE DID NOT ENVY HER
TRYING TO CATCH A COLD
THE TWELFTH MASSACHUSETTS, NO DOUBT
WOULDN’T TELL ’EM
HIS LUCK WAS REVERSED
WELL PAID
CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE
DIDN’T LIKE HER MUSIC
DID NOT WISH TO BE HARSH
SHE WAS CAREFUL
WHY THE CHOIR RESIGNED
WANTED COMPENSATION
THE RICHER VOICE
COULD HE SING
GRAND PIANO NOT GOOD ENOUGH
BREAKING INTO SONG
HE LOVED HER
DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS IMPROVING
NOT MUCH BETTER
WOULD CHANGE THE AIR
KNEW IT TO BE A FACT
A GOOD REASON
COULD NOT TELL WHY
HAD PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY
TEST OF A GOOD MUSICIAN
MIGHT MAKE A LIVING SINGING
AN ANTHEM
A GOOD DUET
SHE DISLIKED MUSIC IN CHURCH
WHY POOR SINGERS SING
GRAND OPERA. The tenor sang in Spanish; The basso sang in Dutch. Had I the hang of what they sang? Well, not so very much. The baritone sang Russian. He really seemed to be. An awful hit, though I admit. It was all Greek to me. At criticising music. I’m not so very good; But, bless your heart, I like the part. That I have understood!
PLAYING BY EAR
NOT A BIT MUSICAL
NEAR-SIGHTEDNESS
THOUGHT IT WAS HIS HAT
NEGRO HUMOR
BEFORE GRAVITATION WAS DISCOVERED
HAD SEEN BIGGER MEN
THE NAME SEEMED FAMILIAR
SERVICES REQUIRED
WOULD HAVE TO BE RE-ARRANGED
WISHED HE KNEW THE X-RAY BUSINESS
LIKE A GRASSHOPPER
CLEANED HEN HOUSES AT NIGHT
THEIR FAVORITE HYMN
“And we’ll all swell the harmony. In heaven, our home.”
“And we’ll all smell the hominy. In heaven, our home.”
HIS DEFINITION OF A COLONEL
THOUGHT SHAKESPEARE WAS WHITE
WANTED A WATERMELON ON HER GRAVE
WOULD LEAVE HER BREATH BEHIND
BOTH SIDES HOLDING FIRM
GEORGIA PHILOSOPHY
ONLY GOT WHAT SHE COLLECTED
HE DROVE THE HACK
WHY SHE WAS NAMED FERTILIZER
DISAVOWED THE INCIDENT
NOT PROVIDENCE
HAD EXCLAMATORY RHEUMATISM
HIS PREFERENCE
ABSENT
WHAT MADE HIS NOSE FLAT
NEGRO REPARTEE
LOWEST OFFICE
SKEPTICS LIKE BUZZARDS
MIGHT STRAY HOME
NEIGHBORS
THE SAUCEPAN WAS RETURNED
THE SEEDS WERE INSIDE
NO GARDEN THAT YEAR
PACIFICISM
PACIFISM
NOT A PACIFIST FROM PRINCIPLE
NEUTRAL
PARENTAL DISCIPLINE
SCARED HIM
THOUGHT HER MOTHER A FAILURE
A WAY MIGHT BE FOUND
NO SHOULDER PADS
COULD NOT AFFORD IT
BAD MANNERS TO BE INQUISITIVE
A HORSE OF ANOTHER COLOR
GOOD ADVICE
WHERE IT PAINED
AN UNEXPECTED REPLY
A DISTRESSING SITUATION
PARROTS
HER EDUCATION SAVED HER
A GOOD PARROT STORY
A GOOD JOKE ON THE VISITOR
KNEW ALL ABOUT CONGO PARROTS
PARTIALITY
NOT TREATED ALIKE
PEDIGREE
A DEMOCRATIC CANNON BALL
AS GOOD AS NEW
IMMIGRATION LAWS STRICTER NOW
HIS FOLKS CAME FIRST
EASY
NEARLY HIS ANCESTOR
A MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY
COULD TRACE HIS ANCESTRY
PERSONAL APPEARANCE
MIGHT CLEAN RIFLES
SHE HAD TO RECUPERATE
WAS SHE HANDSOME?
PHOTOGRAPHS
A GROUCHY WORLD. This is a grouchy world. Ah, me! A fellow seldom laughs. Why don’t we wear the smile that we. Use in our photographs?
POLITICS
POSSIBLE POLITICAL PLANKS
HE HAD NO OBJECTION
BOOSTING THEIR CANDIDATE
GEORGE HAD POWER
FAITHFUL TO HIS TRUST
EXPECTED TO BE PAID
A POLITICAL LEADER
NO TIME TO THINK
IN THE SAME BOAT
WILLING TO TAKE A CHANCE
A PRACTICAL SOCIALIST
MONEY, THE LEAST OF HIS EXPENSES
WHAT HE WOULD BE
TRAITORS AND CONVERTS
SYMPTOMS OF SOCIALISM
DID NOT BELIEVE IN THE RECALL
PRACTICALITY
WHY HE HAD NO SIGN
WOULD PRAY WHILE HIKING
SHE WAS VERY FOOLISH
HOW FRANKLIN GOT A JOB
MADE NO DIFFERENCE TO HIM
A BIRD IN THE HAND
SUNSHINE BEHIND CLOUDS
WAS FOR IT
A PRACTICAL CONCLUSION
CLOUDS WITH SILVER LININGS
NOT PREPARED
PREACHERS
HALF A LOAF
A FALLEN ANGEL
AN EXEMPLARY HORSE
THOUGHT IT A GOOD JOKE
WHY HE WANTED A SHORT SERMON
A FAVORED PLACE
NEEDED A PREACHER
A WEE BIT SANE
A WONDERFUL PREACHER
IT WAS BEFORE CIRCUSES
WOULD PREFER INSOMNIA
NOT THE PREACHER’S FAULT
HAD THE FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE
IT MADE THE SKIN TENDER
WHERE TO FIND THE PREACHER
THE WORK OF THE PREACHER
TEMPTED TO LIE
SILENCE MEANT CONSENT
ANXIOUS TO HEAR HIS EXPLETIVES
NOT THE LORD’S ARMY
NOT VERY COMPLIMENTARY
“From the best bliss that earth imparts. We turn unfilled to Thee again.”
STRICTLY CASH BASIS
DID NOT KEEP A CARRIAGE
USING THE LAWN MOWER ON HIS SERMONS
HOPED SO
TEETH WOULD BE PROVIDED
ONE OF THE BORED
A SMALL CONGREGATION
HIS SERMONS TOO LONG
A CATHOLIC TRADE SECRET
A BRIEF FUNERAL ORATION
NO ICE IN EGYPT
PRIDE
NOT IN THEIR CLASS
PARDONABLE PRIDE
PROPOSING
HE UNDERSTOOD
COULD NOT SEE HIS FUTURE
A STRANGE PROPOSAL
WHAT HIS DREAM MEANT
THAT KIND OF WOMAN EXTINCT
THE COST OF A JEWEL
A BIRD IN THE HAND
IT WAS SO SUDDEN
NOT HER FINAL ANSWER
HAD AN EYE TO BUSINESS
WANTED THE LITTER REMOVED
LACKED THE ROCKS
IT ALWAYS FITTED BEFORE
HE HAD THE EXPERIENCE
SHE WAS OFFENDED
NOT A PROPOSAL
AN APPROPRIATE RING
WOULDN’T BET AFTER ALL
A PHOTOGRAPHIC JOKE
HE WAS A REPEATER
WOULD GIVE HER THE WORLD
HE WAS THE MAN
BRINGING HIM TO THE POINT
A BORN POLITICIAN
WHY HE DIDN’T MARRY HER
NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED
HOW SHE UNDERSTOOD
STATISTICS NOT ALWAYS DRY
PLAYING HER CARDS
ONE MUST BE TURNED DOWN. He was seated in the parlor, And he said unto the light, “Either you or I, old fellow, Will be turned down to-night.”
TOO GOOD FOR OTHERS
SOME RESEMBLANCE
GAINING PERFECTION “You’re perfect,” said the lover shy, Then paused in tremulous dejection, Then said the roguish maiden, “Why. Don’t you attempt to gain perfection?”
PRUDENCE
NECESSARY DELAY
PUNS
THE LIGHTEST MEN
THOUGHT THEY WERE PATRIARCHS
GETTING FOOD AND APPETITE
A READY PUN
CHANGED THE SUBJECT SLIGHTLY
A TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE
SOME QUESTIONS IN BOTANY. Do potatoes ever get dirt in their eyes? Does the neck of a squash need collars and ties? Are flower beds made up with blanket and sheet? And wee lady’s slippers fit what kind of feet?
A WELL-DRESSED HAM
WOULD SEND FOR THE LYRE
WHY THE LIONS SPARED DANIEL
PUNS WITH PUNCH
PREFERRED A SHOVEL
A BUNGALOW
HAD HIS SUSPICIONS
CALLED HIM “APRIL SHOWERS”
HONOR THE LIGHT BRIGADE
ASKING AN IMPOSSIBILITY
COULD DRAW ON HIS IMAGINATION
NOT A MISNOMER. Brown has a lovely baby girl, The stork left her with a flutter; Brown named her “Oleomargarine,” For he hadn’t any but her
LIFE LIKE A HARNESS
SPOTTING THE WINNER
SPEAKING OF PUNS
USED A ROPE FOR HANGING
COULDN’T TELL HER
TROUBLE AT THE ZOO
ONE WIFE WAS MONOTONY
HIS BED A BOOKCASE
WAS BRINGING HIM UP
ORIGIN OF FOREST FIRES
WHAT KEPT THE MOON IN PLACE
PEN AND INK
A COLD SEAT IN CHAPEL
ART IS LONG
DAILY EXERCISE
WHEN DOWN IN THE MOUTH
CRY, CRY AGAIN
AN INVERTEBRATE SMOKER
DOING MEN’S WORK?
COULDN’T BE ADMIRAL PORTER
HE FOUND HIMSELF EASILY
PUZZLES
PRIZE PUZZLE
A TONGUE-TWISTER
ANOTHER TONGUE-TWISTER
A QUEER CONUNDRUM
ALLITERATION IN S
SAY IT FAST
A PUZZLE IN B’S
DOCTORING A DOCTOR
A PUZZLE IN Q’S
REPARTEE
COULD RUSH HIM THROUGH COLLEGE
WHY HE WAS LIKE A DONKEY
WANTED TO EMPLOY MORE MEN
HE COULD COME TWICE
DIDN’T EAT HOGS
DID NOT CARE TO PICK A CROW
TO PROTECT PLANTS FROM FROST
NOTHING NEW
WHY THE TRANSFER EXPIRED
SENATORIAL BRETHREN
BOTH HAD CHANGED
CUPID USED A MACHINE GUN
MEN SCARCE ABOUT THERE
NOT LONG ENOUGH
MET EXPENSES EASILY
HIS BIRTHSTONE
MISSOURI MULES
INFORMATION GIVEN OUT
IT WAS FRANK
NOTHING IN IT
THE FEMININE OF COWBOY
SOMETHING WORSE
MADE WAY FOR FOOLS
THE HARDEST THING ABOUT SKATING
WAS GETTING BETTER
REPORTERS
NO OPINION ON THE SUBJECT
RETRACTION
NO RETRACTION
REVENGE
A CHANCE TO GET EVEN
A GREAT CLIMAX
RICHES
KIDDING THE NEIGHBORS
WHY THEY WERE POOR
GAVE HIM GOOD ADVICE
A NEW USE FOR SQUASH
RELATIVELY RICH
HE KNEW THE OTHER SIDE
NOT AS EASY
WOULD PREFER RUIN BY PROSPERITY
RUSSIAN HUMOR
PUZZ-Z-Z-Z-Z!
SOME REMARKABLE NAMES
SALESMANSHIP
FOLLOWING UP HIS CUSTOMER
STORY OF BILL NYE’S COW
RIVAL BUTCHERS
IT WAS THE LATEST PATTERN
GRAMMAR FOR BEGINNERS
COULD ACCOMMODATE HIM
SARCASM
KNEW TOO MUCH ABOUT CARDS
NOT A STEADY JOB
NOT SO THICK AS HIS HEAD
CASTING PEARLS BEFORE SWINE
WOULD LOVE HER STILL
HIS MEMORY DEFECTIVE
HIS ADDRESS
NOT SATISFIED
NERVE TONIC
DID NOT SEE HER SON BURST
RESPECTED THE AGED AND WEAK
WORTH THIRTY CENTS
PARADING HIS VIRTUES
A STRANGE REBUKE
A WOMAN’S AGE
SATISFACTION
UP TO ALL CLAIMS
SCOTCH HUMOR
HE SOLVED THE PROBLEM
HOW MANY COMMANDMENTS?
NOT AS HE EXPECTED
COULD NOT LET HER PASS
DID NOT HELP THE OTHERS
THE RIGHT GIRL FOR HIM
AN EXAMPLE OF SCOTCH RETICENCE
WOULD BE NECESSARY
WHY HE LEFT SCOTLAND
HAD NO USE FOR PYRAMIDS
THE BETTER WAY
WOULD NOT BE PERSUADED
SCOTCH THRIFT
THOUGHT GERMAN PRAYERS POWERLESS
NO PLEASURE IN SMOKING
NO REASON TO WORRY
RUNNING NO RISK
OFF MORALLY
COULD FEED IT TO THE COW
ECONOMICAL
UNRUFFLED
TALKED THROUGH HIS NOSE
SERVANTS
HER OWN ORDERS
THE PROPER WAY
DID NOT ANSWER THE BELL
SHE WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING
THEY DID NOT SPEAK FRENCH
THE AWKWARD ALARM CLOCK
MUST GET ANOTHER LOVER
DID NOT DO HER JUSTICE
SATISFIED WITH HER WORK
SHE HAD TWO COPPERS
NOT WORTH WHILE
WORTHLESS SERVANTS
WHY THE CHAIR WAS DUSTY
SHE FOUND THE EGGS
NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
NOT A TRAINED NURSE
NEEDN’T TROUBLE ABOUT HER
SNUBBING
A HINT
TOO INQUISITIVE
THE SOLDIER’S CHIN STRAP
SOLDIERS
IT MIGHT BE COURT-MARTIAL
NOT ACCORDING TO BERNHARDI
HE WOULD DO
CHANGED HIS MIND TOO OFTEN
IT WAS A CAMP-MEETING
DEGRADED TO CORPORAL
THE SERGEANT ABOVE THE COLONEL
BAD ENOUGH AS IT WAS
THE BRIGHT SIDE
PHYSICALLY UNFIT
THOUGHT HE LIFTED BOTH LEGS
HER FIRST KNITTING
“Socks received, lady; some fit; I wear one for a helmet, and one for a mitt. I hope to meet you when I’ve done my bit; But where on earth, lady, did you learn to knit?”
DID NOT KNOW THE ENEMY
HAD TRIED SALT WATER
WANTED TO BE A MAJOR
THE WORTH OF A MAN
WANTED TO SEE THE ORDERS
GENERAL GETS IN WRONG
TOLD HER WHAT TO BRING HIM
KNEW SOMETHING ABOUT CARDS
WHERE A GOOD SOLDIER BELONGED
NO DANGER OF COLD FEET
WANTED THE MOON PUT OUT
TIT FOR TAT
DID NOT KNOW WHERE TO AIM
MYSTIFYING
NOT SATISFIED
THOUGHT HE WAS THE BREAD MAN
HAD THE WRONG FOOT
NO SWORD TO SURRENDER
PLENTY OF HOSPITALITY
A MISPLACED ADVERTISEMENT
HALF AN IRISHMAN
ALL ALTERED SINCE HIS DAY
WHY NOT MAKE SORTIES?
WHY HE WAS NOT AT THE FRONT
NOT HIS DUTY
DISLOCATED
THE PEOPLE WHO CHEERED
A SENTENCE
AMERICAN SOLDIERS LEARNING FRENCH
WANTED TO GO HIMSELF
WHY HE DID NOT LIKE THE ARMY
THOUGHT IT WAS THE NOON WHISTLE
HAD BEEN GASSED TWICE
THE FREEDOM OF THE SEAS
RIGHT AT LAST
DIDN’T CATCH HIS NAME
WHY HE JOINED THE INFANTRY
HE COULD NOT FLY
DEMOCRACY IN THE ARMY
METHUSELAH ABOVE DRAFT AGE
NOT COFFEE, BUT SOUP
THEIR FORTUNE MADE
CENSORED
OBSERVED THE GENERAL’S ORDERS
HE HEARD IT BEFORE
STEALING
WHY HE GAVE HIM THE HAT
HAD NOTHING TO FEAR
DIDN’T LEAVE MUCH
COULD RUN FAST
APRIL SHOWERS. The rain falls down when it gets ready. Upon the just and the unjust fella. It falls upon the just the most. For the unjust has the just’s umbrella
ONLY THING HE WOULDN’T TAKE
HAD IT LONG ENOUGH
THE UMBRELLA TEST
IT REMINDED HIM
STENOGRAPHERS
SHE KNEW HOW TO SPELL
THE MAYOR WORKED IN HER OFFICE
WORTH HER WAGES
OUTCLASSED HIM IN SPELLING
ON HER NERVES
WOMEN STENOGRAPHERS NOT ALLOWED
SWEDISH HUMOR
HAD A BROTHER THERE
HAD HUNTED LONG ENOUGH
COOKING THE FLAT-IRON
TALKING MACHINES
BROKE TOO MANY RECORDS
STOLE A MARCH ON THEM
TEACHERS
KNIGHTED HIMSELF
THE MEANING OF MORAL SUASION
TROUBLE AVOIDED
NAMED IT BY ACCIDENT
KNEW BETTER THAN THE TEACHER
SPECIAL REQUEST
GLAD HE WAS EARLY OF LATE
TELEPHONES
SALUTING THE TELEPHONE
THE OLD, OLD STORY
SHE DID NOT KNOW
IT WAS A CALLING
WIRE BUSY
TELEPHONES AND FISHING
WHY SHE WAS MISUNDERSTOOD
WANTED ANOTHER NUMBER
TEMPERANCE
COULD SEE THE SNAKES
GOT A VERDICT OF NOT GUILTY
NOT THE LIQUOR COMPANY
HIS FACE LIKE A GAS-METER
RAGS AND BOTTLES
AN EXTREME TEMPERANCE ADVOCATE
GONE OUT OF LIQUIDATION
DRINKING WAS HIS BUSINESS
“DRY” HUMOR
THE JUDGE WAS RIGHT
KNEW THE EFFECTS
A TEMPERANCE CRANK
WEATHER
ONE ON THE WEATHER
Jan. Freezes! Feb. Wheezes! March. Breezes! Apr. Sneezes! May. Eases! June. Pleases!—New York Sun
A WARM DAY “It’s a very warm day,” observed Billy, “I hope that you won’t think it silly. If I say that this heat. Makes me think ’twould be sweet. If one were a coolie in Chile!”—Selected
THE WEATHER FORECAST
WEDDINGS
GIVING AWAY HIS DAUGHTER
WANTED A DUPLICATE PRESENT
IT WAS DURING THE WAR
A DEAR FRIEND
INSTEAD OF CASH
SHE TOLD THE TRUTH
HE WAS FLUSTERED
WISDOM
ORIGINS. Who first discovered two and two make four? That greater things include the less? That two right angles mixed together score. A straight line—who first made that guess? I stand aghast before such wizardry: What ever put it in the first. Man’s head to rip up a hyperbole. And square the segments thus disbursed? But pioneer of all who dared to fling. Their compasses athwart the lid. Of holy parallelopiped, sing. I most adoring, O Euclid!
WHAT CAUSES THE TIDES
WOMEN’S SUFFRAGE
DID NOT CARE TO VOTE
WOMEN AND POLITICS
DID NOT VOTE LIKE A MAN
THOUGHT HE WAS BRAGGING
WORK
CAN’T DREAM LONG. I love to sit and dream in fall. Romantic things. Of creepers crimson on the wall. And grapevine swings. Prosaic problems I abhor, But bless my soul. I must get out and hustle for. My winter coal
DID NOT DESERVE A RAISE
THE CLOTHES DID IT
A CURE FOR INSOMNIA
IT LOOKED SUSPICIOUS
YANKEE HUMOR
JOSH BILLINGS’ SAYINGS
STROPPING ITSELF
ONE BETTER
AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE
BLEW THAT WAY ONLY SIX MONTHS
IN FLY TIME
A WINNER
