The Savvy Ally

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Jeannie Gainsburg. The Savvy Ally

Praise for The Savvy Ally

THE SAVVY ALLY

CONTENTS

PROLOGUE

NOTES

1 GETTING STARTED

THANK YOU

WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM THIS BOOK

DEFINING ALLY BROADLY

BRINGING MY FRIENDS ALONG FOR THE RIDE

PRACTICE MAKES PRETTY DARN GOOD

THE POWER OF THE ALLY

Allies Can Help Validate a Cause

Allies Can Be a Cultural Bridge

Allies Can Be Possibility Models

Allies Can Get Special Access

FUN FACT

WHAT’S YOUR STORY?

NOTES

Part I BECOMING KNOWLEDGEABLE ALLIES

2 THE GLOSSARY IS AT THE BACK

CISGENDER

LGBTQ+

QUEER

POP QUIZ

WHY DO THERE HAVE TO BE SO MANY IDENTITIES?

FUN FACT

NOTE

3 COMING OUT AS LGBTQ+

WHY THE BIG REVEAL?

THE COMING-OUT PROCESS

Identity Confusion

Identity Comparison

Identity Tolerance. NOT-SO-FUN FACTS

Identity Acceptance

Identity Pride

Identity Synthesis

In Summary

FROM THEORY TO REALITY

Coming Out Is a Lifelong Process

The Process Is Not Always Linear

It’s So Much Fun, Some Folks Do It Twice!

It’s Not Just for LGBTQ+ People

Coming Out Is Not Always the Immediate Goal

WHAT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT TO YOU

WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE COMES OUT TO YOU

POP QUIZ

FUTURE FANTASIES

NOTES

4 ORIENTATIONS, IDENTITIES, BEHAVIORS—OH MY!

A BASIC DIAGRAM OF THE COMPONENTS OF SEX, GENDER, AND SEXUALITY. Biological Sex

HELPFUL HINT

JUST FOR FUN

Gender Identity

FUN FACT

HELPFUL HINT

Gender Expression

Attraction (Also Known as Orientation)

POP QUIZ

Intimate Behaviors

POP QUIZ

POP QUIZ

WHERE DO I FALL?

Biological Sex

ME. Gender Identity

ME. Gender Expression

Attraction

Intimate Behaviors

AN ADVANCED DIAGRAM OF THE COMPONENTS OF SEX, GENDER, AND SEXUALITY

ANSWERS TO OUR QUESTIONS

What the Heck Does Nonbinary Mean?

Can Transgender People Also Be Gay?

How Can I Tell If Someone Is Gay?

How Can Someone Identify as Asexual but Still Have Sex?

KEY ALLY TAKEAWAYS

NOTES

Part II BUILDING SKILLS FOR HAVING RESPECTFUL CONVERSATIONS

5 LGBTQ+ ETIQUETTE

TIP #1: MIRROR TERMS

POP QUIZ

TIP #2: UNGENDER LANGUAGE

POP QUIZ

COMBINING TIP #1 AND TIP #2

TIP #3: CREATE SYSTEMS THAT WORK FOR EVERYONE

TIP #4: USE THE CORRECT NAME AND PRONOUN

POP QUIZ

TIP #5: ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE RAGGEDY

TIP #6: GET IT RIGHT THE NEXT TIME

Try Again Right Away

Practice in Your Head before You Speak

Imagine a Mouse

Practice on Your Pet

DO IT ANYWAY

NOTES

6 GAYDAR AND OTHER PROBLEMATIC ASSUMPTIONS

GAYDAR

LGBTQ+ MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES

FUN FACT

NOT-SO-FUN FACT

MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES ABOUT STRAIGHT/CISGENDER ALLIES

POP QUIZ

INTERSECTIONALITY

NOTES

7 GOOD TALK The Art of Having Useful Conversations

WE ARE ALL RESISTANT LEARNERS

PUTTING OURSELVES IN THE HOT SEAT

A NIGHT OUT WITH LOU THE LUNCHROOM AIDE

POP QUIZ

TIPS FOR RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION

Assume Good Intent

Avoid Labeling the Comment or Behavior

HELPFUL HINT

Use “I” Statements

HELPFUL HINT

Find Common Ground

Try the “Switch It” Technique

Listen for Those Myths and Stereotypes

Be Aware of Your Hot Buttons

AN ALLY’S GIFT

NOTE

8 COMMON BLOOPERS

TRANSGENDER IS AN ADJECTIVE

AVOID THE WORDS PREFERRED AND PREFERENCE

USE LANGUAGE THAT REFLECTS TRANSITIONING AS A LIFELONG JOURNEY. POP QUIZ

BE IN THE PRESENT

DON’T ASK A GAY COUPLE WHICH ONE IS THE MAN AND WHICH ONE IS THE WOMAN

USE THIS TERM INSTEAD OF THAT ONE

Use Transgender Instead of Transsexual

Use Cross-Dresser Instead of Transvestite

Use Gay Instead of Homosexual

POP QUIZ

Use Typical Instead of Normal

Use Intersex Instead of Hermaphrodite

Use Different Sex or Gender Instead of Opposite Sex or Gender

AVOID THESE WORDS ALTOGETHER. Lifestyle

Tranny, Fag, and Dyke

POP QUIZ

BE EXCELLENT TO YOURSELF

Part III TAKING ACTION TO CREATE MORE INCLUSIVE SPACES

9 STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADES AND SPECIAL SNOWFLAKES Addressing Common Questions

AREN’T WE IN A GOOD PLACE NOW WITH LGBTQ+ RIGHTS AND INCLUSION? WHAT’S LEFT TO DO?

I JUST TREAT EVERYONE THE SAME; WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?

WHY DO LGBTQ+ PEOPLE HAVE TO FLAUNT THEIR SEXUALITY AND GET IN MY FACE WITH IT?

I KNOW MY FRIEND IS GAY—HOW CAN I GET HIM TO COME OUT TO ME?

WHY ISN’T THERE A STRAIGHT PRIDE PARADE?

Reality Check #1

Reality Check #2

Reality Check #3

Reality Check #4

WHY ARE LGBTQ+ PEOPLE SO ANGRY?

MY LESBIAN FRIENDS CALL EACH OTHER DYKES. WHY IS IT OKAY FOR THEM TO DO THAT BUT NOT ME?

I THOUGHT PEOPLE WERE “BORN THAT WAY”; NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT THIS CAN BE A LIFELONG JOURNEY OF CHANGING IDENTITIES? WTF?

POP QUIZ

I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING ANYMORE WITHOUT OFFENDING SOMEONE. DON’T YOU THINK WE’VE GONE TOO FAR WITH ALL OF THIS PC LANGUAGE?

NOTES

10 DUCT TAPE PATCH-UP JOBS AND BIG FIXES Two Paths to Travel toward More Inclusive Spaces

EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs with Our Educational Opportunities

Big Fixes with Our Educational Opportunities

HELPFUL HINT

VISIBLE LGBTQ+ IMAGES

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs with Our Visible LGBTQ+ Images

Big Fixes with our LGBTQ+ Images

A HELPFUL HINT ABOUT SAFE SPACES

FORMS AND PAPERWORK

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs on Forms and Paperwork

Big Fixes on Forms and Paperwork

POLICIES

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Policies

HELPFUL HINT

Big Fixes for Policies

RESTROOMS AND OTHER FACILITIES

FUN AND NOT-SO-FUN FACTS

POP QUIZ

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Restrooms and Other Facilities

Big Fixes for Restrooms and Other Facilities

TOILET TALK

A Special Note about Signage

NOTES

11 TAKING IT TO THE STREETS

PRIDE

TALKING WITH POLITICIANS

RALLIES, MARCHES, PROTESTS, AND LOBBYING

FUNDRAISING

NOTES

Part IV ALLYING RESPONSIBLY

12 ALLY BACKLASH

ALLY IS A LABEL, NOT AN IDENTITY

SHUT UP AND LISTEN

“A” IS FOR ASEXUAL

KEY ALLY TAKEAWAYS

PAY IT FORWARD

NOTES

13 SUSTAINABILITY

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Be on Your Own Team

Treat Yourself the Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend

Give Yourself Permission to Fail

Use Positive Self-Coaching Tips

Know Your Recipe for Happiness and Follow It

Think about What’s Not Wrong

PACE YOURSELF

CONTINUE YOUR EDUCATION

EVERY SO OFTEN, RETURN TO “WHY?”

NOTES

GLOSSARY. WARNING: IDENTITIES BEING DEFINED!

BIBLIOGRAPHY

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Отрывок из книги

THE SAVVY ALLY

“I love the compassionate sentiment that is weaved through this book that being an ally doesn’t mean you have to be perfect; it means being able to acknowledge when a mistake is made and then trying your best to be better. If you truly want to be an ally, The Savvy Ally will lead the way through real-life examples, questions that make you go hmmm …, and ‘what if’ scenarios. Thank you, Jeannie Gainsburg, for supporting my ally journey!”— Kimberly Braithwaite, senior human resource manager, Barilla America Inc., and one of Profiles in Diversity Journal’s 2019 Women Worth Watching

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Some folks find that they move in a very linear fashion through the six stages of the Cass model. Others jump around a bit, skip stages, go back, and generally travel through them like an Upstate New York driver in March, skidding and swerving down a pothole-filled street. People can actually move across several stages in the very same day. For example, let’s think about a college student who is in the identity synthesis stage on campus. They are out to all their friends and they speak freely about their identity. Then they return home for Thanksgiving to a family that has indicated that being LGBTQ+ is not okay, and they slide back into the identity tolerance stage, hiding their identity and feeling unhappy about who they are. People may spend a lifetime jumping around in the different stages, depending on whom they are with and how open and accepting the environment feels.

My friend Todd is Deaf. His parents, wanting only what they felt was best for him, insisted that he learn to read lips and speak so that he could fit into the hearing world. He lived in a rural town, so he didn’t know there was a Deaf community and, as a child, was never exposed to sign language. When he moved to Upstate New York, he found others like himself. He shared with me that he went through every one of the Cass model stages as a Deaf man. When he hit that pride stage he said that it felt so amazing to be with other people like himself, to find community and understanding, and to embrace American Sign Language (ASL) as his language. Hearing friends and coworkers, who did not understand this fantastic feeling of connection and community, felt that he had gotten a bit “aggressive” with the whole Deaf thing and that he needed to tone it down a bit. Todd was “flaunting” his Deafness. Sound familiar?

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