Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

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Jeff Stelling. Jelleyman’s Thrown a Wobbly: Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

Contents

Introduction This is not a rant …

1 A Short History Of Nearly Everything (To Do With Soccer Saturday)* Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

2 Any Given Saturday

TIME: 1:47. THE OUTSIDE BROADCAST

TIME: 2:30. THE PRE-MATCH BUILD-UP

TIME: 3:01. THE FIRST HALF

TIME: 3:21. THE AD BREAK

TIME: 3:49. HALF-TIME

TIME: 4:01. THE SECOND HALF

TIME: 4:45-ish. THE FULL-TIME SCORES/POST-MATCH ANALYSIS

TIME: 5:17. POST-MATCH INTERVIEWS

TIME: 6:00 AFTER THE SHOW

3 Motorway Service Stations, Wimpy Burgers And Medium Lattes (Full Fat, Please): Preparing for Soccer Saturday

4 You Can Say That Again The Catchphrases Of Soccer Saturday

‘Lisa will be pleased, Adam Stansfield has scored!’

‘The Good Doctor’

‘They'll be dancing in the streets. of Total Network Solutions!’

‘Guylain Ndumbu-Nsungu — local boy made good!’

‘I Feel Good!’

‘It looks like Jelleyman's Thrown A Wobbly!’

‘He's scored a rocket!’

‘One size Fitz Hall’

‘Fuck!’

‘How did Agger do-do-do?’

Look, this is not a rant, but…

5 The Jeff Stelling Drinking Game

6 What The Critics Said

Sportscaster, Jeff Stelling

Who I Like This Week

7 The Sky Effect

8 Ranting, Raving And General Mania Viewer Correspondence to the Soccer Saturday Studio

9 Don't Touch That Remote Control!

10 A SELECTION OF SOCCER SATURDAY'S GREATEST GAFFES, BLOOPERS aND ONE-LINERS

11 Welcome To The Muppet Show

12 Hotel Babylon

Peter Reid ‘Sinks’ Premier League Manager!

Soccer Saturday Drinks Bar Dry!

Steve Bruce Confesses Premier League Woes!

David Moyes In Nice Guy Shocker!

Gareth Southgate: He's Mr Wonderful!

Soccer Saturday Smackdown! Champagne Charlie Versus Mick McCarthy

Thommo Slams Bolton Playmaker! [Do Bolton Really Have ‘Playmakers’?]

13 Gorgeous George

14 Bigmouth Strikes Again: The People Versus Rodney Marsh

The people Of Bradford Versus Rodney Marsh

Ivan Campo Versus Rodney Marsh

David Ginola Versus Rodney Marsh

Jeff Stelling Versus Rodney Marsh

The World (And Mother Nature) Versus Rodney Marsh

15 ‘Unbelievable!’ Eleven Facts You Didn't Know About Chris Kamara. And One You Probably Did

1. He was a rather good footballer, actually. (That didn't come from me, OK?)

2. He's a modern-day Beatle

3. He's Soccer Saturday's most competitive man

4. He's a karaoke demon

5. He's a fearsome practical joker

6. He has the ear of football's most-respected names

7. He didn't realize just how much he used. the phrase ‘Unbelievable!’

8. He's the nation's most indiscreet man

9. He's been approached to manage some. pretty big names in football

10. He could have been an admiral in the. Navy. Well, maybe …

11. He has a TV in every room of his house …

12. He sometimes talks a load of nonsense

16 Cocoa, Pipe And Slippers (Né Champagne) Charlie

17 ‘Sit Down, Pinocchio!’

LIVERPOOL O HAVANT AND WATERLOOVILLE 1

LIVERPOOL 1 BARNSLEY 2

18 The Magic Man

19 A Big Fish In A Small Studio

20 Uncle Frank

21 Introducing The Best (and Worst) Of The Rest

22 In The Beginning

23 ‘I'm Not A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here Anyway!’

24 Cable Guy (Well, Satellite TV Guy If We're Being Pedantic, But There Isn't A Hollywood Movie Of The Same Title…)

25 Supporting Hartlepool

26 ‘One From The Bottom And Two From The Top.’ How I Got The Countdown Job

27 The Real Jeff Stelling (In A 1980s-Style Football Interview)

Name:

Nickname:

Position:

Clubs:

Strengths (as a player):

Weaknesses:

I play a bit like …

Greatest goal:

Have you ever been sent off?

I present a bit like …

Career highlights:

Career lowlight:

Best player played with:

Best player worked with:

Current car:

Favourite films:

Favourite books:

Favourite TV programmes:

Favourite three-course meal:

Favourite holiday destination:

Most embarrassing moment:

Dream date (apart from the wife or Chris Kamara):

My tombstone would read:

28 Frequently Asked Questions (At Cocktail Parties)

Index

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Publisher

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Thrown a Wobby

Saturday Afternoons in Front of the Telly

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This is the point where everybody on the show goes out and gets a sandwich and a cup of tea. Sadly, I have to sit there and read out the scores, which can be infuriating, as Matt Le Tissier scoffs more than his fair share of crisps and chocolate – there's never anything for me to eat once he's finished. It's also a worrying time for me, as the half-time break presents the perfect opportunity for Charlie Nicholas to ‘redecorate’ my car.

This prank started a few seasons ago. While I was dealing with the half-time scores, Charlie decided to wander into the car park to find my beautiful motor (please pretend along with me) before decorating the exterior with leaves, branches and litter bins. There were also one or two road signs and ‘Men At Work’ notices positioned on the bonnet. This soon became a ritual. Out of consideration for my paintwork, I started to move my car from its regular spot, but Charlie would seek it out and wreak his usual havoc no matter where I parked it. I even went as far as parking it a quarter of a mile up the road, but Charlie would still, somehow, get to his target. Shame he wasn't so proficient when he was playing up front for the Gunners.

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