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John Gray. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Introduction
1. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES
GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH
2. Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee
LIFE ON MARS
LIFE ON VENUS
GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE
LEARNING TO LISTEN
IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX-IT AND THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE
WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN’S SOLUTIONS
WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE
3. Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk
COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS
FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE
How Women React to the Cave
FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING
How Men React When Women Need to Talk
HOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE
What the Martians Learned
What the Venusians Learned
4. How to Motivate the Opposite Sex
WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
Differences Attract
Love Motivates Martians
WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN
Too Much Giving Is Tiring
Giving Up Blame
SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS
Step 1: Motivation
Step 2: Responsibility
Step 3: Practice
LEARNING TO RECEIVE
How the Venusians Learned to Feel Worthy
When the Venusian Is Ready the Martian Will Appear
LEARNING TO GIVE
It Is OK to Make Mistakes
Martians Need Love Too
5. Speaking Different Languages
EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION
TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED
WHEN VENUSIANS TALK
The Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary
WHEN MARTIANS DON’T TALK
How She Reacts to His Silence
Understanding the Cave
Why Men Go into Their Caves
Why Women Talk
Getting Burned by the Dragon
WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK
Six Common Abbreviated Warning Signals
The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary
WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE
How to Support a Man in His Cave
HOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN
How to Approach a Man with Criticism or Advice
When a Man Doesn’t Need Help
Too Much Caring Is Smothering
A Success Story
MAKING LITTLE CHANGES
HOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A VENUSIAN
HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME
Sharing Responsibility
Four Magic Words of Support
What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming
How to Listen Without Blaming
The Art of Listening
6. Men Are Like Rubber Bands
WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
How a Man Is Suddenly Transformed
Why Men Pull Away
Why Women Panic
Why Men and Women Doubt Their Love
HOW WOMEN MISINTERPRET MEN
Why Men Pull Away When Women Get Close
WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN
HOW TO GET A MAN TO TALK
How Women Pressure Men to Talk
How to Initiate a Conversation with a Man
WHEN A MAN WON’T TALK
One-Sided Conversations
Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to Change
WHEN A MAN DOESN’T PULL AWAY
Becoming More Independent
Simple Miracles
OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLE
Chasing Behaviors
Punishing Behaviors
HOW A MAN’S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLE
WISE MEN AND WOMEN
7. Women Are Like Waves
HOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE
Don’t Try to Fix It
How Men Are Confused
RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS
Warning Signs for Men That She May Be Going into Her Well or When She Needs His Love the Most
UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS
Reassuring Insights
WHEN A WOMAN DOESN’T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL
Emotional Housecleaning
How a Man Can Support a Woman in the Well
WHEN SHE’S IN THE WELL AND HE’S IN THE CAVE
Martian and Venusian Logic
How Past Feelings Come Up
When Feelings Get Hurt
Why Men and Women Fight
RESOLVING CONFLICTS THROUGH UNDERSTANDING
What a Man Can Do When He Can’t Listen
Three Steps for Supporting Her When He Needs to Pull Away
What He Can Say Instead of Arguing
What She Can Do Instead of Arguing
HOW MONEY CAN CREATE PROBLEMS
Money Doesn’t Fulfill Emotional Needs
A Wealthy Woman Needs More Permission to Be Upset
FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT
8. Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE
The Primary Love Needs of Women and Men
Understanding Your Primary Needs
1. She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust
2. She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance
3. She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation
4. She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration
5. She Needs Validation and He Needs Approval
6. She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
HOW YOU MAY BE UNKNOWINGLY TURNING OFF YOUR PARTNER
WHEN LOVE FAILS
LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY
How to Listen Without Getting Angry
THE ART OF EMPOWERING A MAN
Give Trust and Not Advice
Why Men Resist Change
Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior
Men Don’t Want to Be Improved
How to Give Up Trying to Change a Man
9. How to Avoid Arguments
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE
WHY ARGUMENTS HURT
THE FOUR F’S FOR AVOIDING HURT
WHY WE ARGUE
The Secret Reasons Men Argue
The Secret Reasons Women Argue
THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments
When He Needs Her Approval the Most
HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING
THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT. 1. WHEN HE COMES HOME LATE
2. WHEN HE FORGETS SOMETHING
3. WHEN HE RETURNS FROM HIS CAVE
4. WHEN HE DISAPPOINTS HER
5. WHEN HE DOESN'T RESPECT HER FEELINGS AND HURTS HER
6. WHEN HE IS IN A HURRY AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT
7. WHEN SHE FEELS INVALIDATED IN A CONVERSATION
GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES
AVOIDING ARGUMENTS THROUGH LOVING COMMUNICATION
10. Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex
LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE
101 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN
THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS
What a Man Needs
What a Man Needs a Woman to Accept
REDIRECTING ENERGY AND ATTENTION
When a Man Overworks
How a Woman Can Help
WHEN WOMEN GIVE POINTS
HEALING THE RESENTMENT FLU
What She Can Do
What He Can Do
WHY MEN GIVE LESS
HOW MEN GIVE POINTS
HOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN
When a Woman Can Score More Points
WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE
WHEN MEN GIVE PENALTY POINTS
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
11. How to Communicate Difficult Feelings
THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE
STEP 1: WRITING A LOVE LETTER
A Love Letter
A Love Letter About Forgetfulness
A Love Letter About Indifference
A Love Letter About Arguing
A Love Letter About Frustration and Disappointment
STEP 2: WRITING A RESPONSE LETTER
How We Can Learn About Our Partner’s Needs
A Love Letter and Response Letter About His Resistance
STEP 3: SHARING YOUR LOVE LETTER AND RESPONSE LETTER
What to Do If Your Partner Can’t Respond Lovingly
MAKING IT SAFE FOR LOVE LETTERS
Statement of Intent for Writing and Sharing a Love Letter
Statement of Intent for Hearing a Love Letter
MINI LOVE LETTERS
WHEN TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS
WHY WE NEED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS
Realistic Expectations
How We Learn to Communicate
If Our Past Were Different
TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH
Why Love Letters Work
How Feelings Can Hide Other Feelings
Ways We Cover Up Our Real Feelings
HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS
How Your Past Affects You Today
Silencing Your Feelings Through Addictions
SECRETS OF SELF-HELP
The Power of Privacy
The Power of Intimacy
The Power of the Group
Taking Time to Listen
12. How to Ask for Support and Get It
WHY WOMEN DON’T ASK
STEP 1: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING
Tips for Motivating a Man
What He May Hear When She Is Indirect
What Men Want to Be Asked
Common Mistakes in Asking
Common Questions About Asking for Support
STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR MORE (EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO)
Healthy Relationships
STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING
Programming a Man to Say Yes
The Pregnant Pause
WHY MEN ARE SO SENSITIVE
13. Keeping the Magic of Love Alive
How Repressed Feelings Come Up
Why Couples May Fight During Good Times
THE 90/10 PRINCIPLE
How We Can Support Each Other
A Healing Letter
YOU ARE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASON YOU THINK
THE DELAYED-REACTION RESPONSE
When Couples Suddenly Feel Their Resentment
The Crisis of Rising Expectations
WHY HEALTHY PEOPLE MAY NEED COUNSELING
THE SEASONS OF LOVE
The Springtime of Love
The Summer of Love
The Autumn of Love
The Winter of Love
SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
If you enjoyed Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, check out this great John Gray title
MARS VENUS IN THE WORKPLACE SEMINARS
ATTENDING A MARS VENUS WORKSHOP
MARS VENUS COUNSELING CENTERS
EXPLORE THE WORLD OF JOHN GRAY AT MARSVENUS.COM
SHOP ONLINE AT THE MARS VENUS STORE
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by John Gray, Ph.D
About the Publisher
