‘Stop in the name of pants!’

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Louise Rennison. ‘Stop in the name of pants!’

Contents

Deep in the forest of red-bottomosity. Saturday July 30th. Camping fiasco. 11:30 p.m

11:32 p.m

11:33 p.m

11:34 p.m

11:35 p.m

11:36 p.m

11:37 p.m

Two minutes later

Thirty seconds later

Four seconds later

One minute later

Ten seconds later

Five seconds later

Three seconds later

Four seconds later

Ten seconds later

Midnight

Ten past midnight

Sunday July 31st. 11:00 a.m

Ten minutes later

Twenty minutes later

Five minutes later

4:00 p.m

Two minutes later

Two minutes later

Kitchen

Four minutes later

Five minutes later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

Ten minutes later

One minute later

Thirty seconds later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

In my bedroom looking in the mirror

One minute later

Five minutes later

One minute later

Lying on my bed of pain. 8:00 p.m

Thirty seconds later

One minute later

In my bedroom. 8:45 p.m

Five minutes later

Five minutes later

9:30 p.m

Twenty-five minutes later

11:00 p.m

Back in bed

Midnight

12:10 a.m

Once more into the huffmobile. Monday August 1st. 8:00 a.m

Looking in the mirror

Ten minutes later

Two minutes later

One minute later

Thirty seconds later

In my room

Twenty seconds later

An hour later

Two minutes later

In the park. 2:00 p.m

Ten minutes later

One minute later

Thirty seconds later

Two minutes later

One minute later

One minute later

Twelve minutes later

In bed

Two minutes later

Five minutes later

One minute later

Five minutes later

Two minutes later

Four minutes later

Three minutes later

Two minutes later

Two minutes later

One minute later

Tuesday August 2nd. 9:30 a.m

Two minutes later

Back in my bedroom. Ten minutes later

Back in the kitchen. 9:45 a.m

Five minutes later

9:55 a.m

10:10 a.m

Fifteen minutes later

Half an hour later

Twenty minutes later

Two minutes later

Thirty minutes later

One hour later

Phone rang

Five minutes later

An hour later

Four minutes later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

Thirty seconds later

Ten seconds later

One minute later

Two minutes later

One minute later

Five minutes later

On the way round to Jas’s

Round at Jas’s

Home again. 9:00 p.m

9:19 p.m

The turbulent washing machine of luuurve. Friday August 5th. Early Evening

Five minutes later

In Mum’s bedroom

Two minutes later

One minute later

Sunday August 7th

9:45 p.m

In bed

9:50 p.m

Ten minutes later

Five minutes later

One minute later

10:15 p.m

Two minutes later

Back in my room

Four minutes later

11:29 p.m

Midnight

Monday August 8th. 8:30 a.m

In the kitchen

Fifteen minutes later

Tuesday August 9th. 10:00 p.m

Wednesday August 10th

Thursday August 11th

Lunchtime

At Rosie’s. Evening

One hour later

Friday August 12th. In my bedroom

Saturday August 13th

Monday August 15th. 10:30 a.m

Two minutes later

Tuesday August 16th

Wednesday August 17th

Thursday August 18th. 2:30 p.m

Viking hornpipes a-gogo!!! Saturday August 20th. Sven’s Viking extravaganza gig night. 6:30 p.m

6:45 p.m

6:50 p.m

7:00 p.m

Buddha Lounge. 8:00 p.m

In the tarts’ wardrobe

Back on the dance floor

8:30 p.m

8:35 p.m

9:00 p.m

Out in the club

One minute later

Two minutes later

Three minutes later

Twenty minutes later

Thirty seconds later

In bed with the owl (and her mates) 1:00 a.m

Sunday August 21st. Home. 11:00 a.m

Two minutes later

Five minutes later

Ten minutes later

Half an hour of ditherosity later

4:00 p.m

4:30 p.m

Two minutes later

Ten minutes later

Big furry paw of fate. Tuesday August 23rd. In the kitchen. 5:30 p.m

6:00 p.m

Half an hour later

7:15 p.m

At Rosie’s in her bedroom. 8:00 p.m

9:00 p.m

Still at Rosie’s. 9:20 p.m

10:00 p.m

On the way home. Fifteen minutes later

An hour later

Ten minutes later

Midnight

Wednesday August 24th. 8:00 a.m

In my bedroom

One hour later

10:40 a.m

One minute later

Evening

11:00 p.m

Ten minutes later

Forty years later

Midnight

Thirty seconds later

Vet’s surgery

Thursday August 25th. Dawn

Five minutes later

Ten minutes later

Five minutes later

7:30 a.m

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

Surgery. 9:00 a.m

At home. 11:00 a.m

Five minutes later

Ten minutes later

In the park

Thirty seconds later

Five minutes later

At the vet’s. 5:00 p.m

Walking home

Lying in my bed. 6:30 p.m

9:00 p.m

Friday August 26th

9:00 a.m

At the vet’s. 10:30 a.m

Two hours later

11:00 p.m

Saturday August 27th

11:00 p.m

11:20 p.m

Sunday August 28th

Monday August 29th

9:00 p.m

Thirty minutes later

Forty minutes later

Tuesday August 30th. 10:00 a.m

In bed

Midnight

Wednesday August 31st

Why can’t everyone just speak English? Thursday September 1st. 8:00 a.m

Two minutes later

10:30 a.m

Twenty minutes later

Five minutes later

One minute later

Ten minutes later

Ten minutes later

One minute later

One minute later

Three minutes later

Two minutes later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

One minute later

Five minutes later

Ten minutes later

Friday September 2nd. Up at the crack of 10:30 a.m

Twenty minutes later

11:00 a.m

Four minutes later

Two minutes later

Five minutes later

Four minutes later

Twelve minutes later

Saturday September 3rd. 9:00 a.m

Tuesday September 6th

4:00 p.m

Five minutes later

Wednesday September 7th

At the vet’s. 5:30 p.m

Back home

Round at mine

Two hours later

Sunday September 11th. In bed. 11:30 p.m

Hark! What owl through yonder window breaks? Monday September 12th. 7:00 a.m

In the bathroom. 7:25 a.m

7:40 a.m

8:30 a.m

8:38 a.m

Assembly

Fifteen minutes later

Four minutes later

French

Lunchtime

German

Five minutes later

One minute later

Still incarcerated in Stalag 14. Afternoon break

One minute later

One minute later

Bell went

English

4:00 p.m

4:15 p.m

Five minutes later

In my bedroom

Two minutes later

Two hours later

Two minutes later

Midnight

Two minutes later

Twenty-five minutes later

Wednesday September 14th. Up at the crack of 7:00 a.m

8:15 a.m

Ten minutes later

Rom and Jule read-through and audition in the main hall. 2:00 p.m

Ten minutes later

Ten minutes later

Twenty-five minutes later

In the loos. 4:00 p.m

Ten minutes later

One hour later

Fifteen minutes later

Thirty seconds later

Ten seconds later

One minute later

Two minutes later

Midnight

Thursday September 15th

Stalag 14

RE. 9:45 a.m

Art room

Thirty seconds later

Five minutes later

Two minutes later

4:20 p.m

5:30 p.m

Four minutes later

Coffee bar

One hour later

At home in bed

In my bedroom. 10:30 p.m

10:50 p.m

10:52 p.m

11:00 p.m

11:05 p.m

11:12 p.m

11:20 p.m

11:28 p.m

11:30 p.m

11:35 p.m

11:40 p.m

11:45 p.m

Midnight

12:30 a.m

Friday September 16th

4:10 p.m

Ten minutes later

Twenty minutes later

Thirty seconds later

Five minutes later

Walking home redly

Two minutes later

One minute later

Home

Five minutes later

Back in the kitchen. Two minutes later

In bed

One minute later

Two minutes later

Five minutes later

Fisticuffs at dawn

8:30 a.m

Lunch

3:00 p.m

6:00 p.m

6:30 p.m

Leaving Home. 7:15p.m

At the Honey Club. 8:30 p.m

Out in the club by the bar

Ten minutes later

In the tarts’ wardrobe

Back in the club

Two minutes later

One hour later

Half an hour later

Two minutes later

Ten minutes later

Two minutes later

Outside

Two minutes later

Two minutes later

One minute later

Two minutes later

Georgia’s Backing Dancer Portfolio

The Simple Years. “Let’s go down the disco”

The Middle Years. 1. The Viking bison disco inferno

2. The snot disco inferno

The Having-the-Hump Scale

Georgia’s Glossary

Copyright

About the Publisher

Отрывок из книги

To my groovy and fabby and marvy family and mates (including my extended family at HarperCollins and Aitken Alexander).

‘Stop in the name of pants!’ – my latest work of geniosity – is dedicated especially to absent mates. Who have selfishly gone off to have fun. (Yes, you know who you are, Jeddbox and Elton.)

.....

Then everything went horrible again; there were some hideous noises coming from the left of us…

“Tom, Tom. over here. I think I’ve found an owl dropping.”

.....