Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures

Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures
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Sexual failures of the world unite! Now is the time to stand up and be counted (or measured).A celebration of sexual failures, Is It In Yet? is an antidote to all those self-help books obsessed with sexual performance. Aimed not just at those with serious shortcomings, it’s a book for anyone for whom the phrase ‘cock-up in the bedroom’ is only ever associated with humiliation. These bizarre but true tales of sexual stupidity and strangeness include:The perils of having sex with a hot lasagne The couple who suffocated while making love in the back of a hearse The flasher who only exposed himself to department store mannequinsThe man who mistook superglue for lubricantAlarming fetishes including clowns, falling downstairs and licking eyeballsThe man who married his horse (and gave her lingerie) The woman who took five years to discover her boyfriend was actually femaleIf it’s deviant, disturbing or just plain dumb… you’ll find it in Is It In Yet?

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Mark Leigh. Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures

DISCLAIMER

WARNING

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON

GOING SOLO

AWKWARD MOMENTS

JUST PLAIN STUPID

BEASTLY BEHAVIOUR

CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN

PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES

SERIOUS SHORTCOMINGS

TAKEN FOR A RIDE

MISCELLANEOUS

S&M

STUCK!

NOT TONIGHT, DARLING…

SEX LAWS

FOOD FUN AND GAMES

FOR THE THRILL OF IT

SEX FOR SALE

EXHIBITIONISTS

OUCH!

BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT GOD GAVE YOU

PLAYING AWAY

YOU’RE NICKED!

THAT’S JUST WRONG!

SAYINGS ABOUT SEX

COPYRIGHT

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All the incidents featured (even the really freaky ones and the ones that make you squirm) are presented in good faith, having been previously reported as fact and sourced from a wide variety of diverse publications, news services, hospital records and the Internet. If names, dates, locations or eventual consequences are absent, that is because none were provided in the original source material. In addition, it should be noted that many stories turn up in multiple sources but with slightly different facts. To this effect, the author and publishers cannot accept responsibility for any inaccuracies and apologise in advance for any inadvertent errors in reporting.

Look, at the end of the day it’s not that important. It’s not a book about something heavy like Gurdjieffian theory, the financial derivatives market or quantum physics; it’s a book about sexual failures.

.....

Forty-year-old Jimmy ‘The Beard’ Ferrozzo was assistant manager of The Condor Topless Club in San Francisco and, after closing time one night in November 1983, he decided to frolic with one of the dancers – twenty-three-year-old Teresa Hill – on top of the club’s grand piano. During their show of passion, a stray leg or arm accidentally knocked the button that raised the piano majestically into the air on a hydraulic lift – a popular gimmick used at the club. Ferrozzo died from asphyxiation when he was crushed between the piano and the ceiling, while the cushioning effects of his 220-lb body saved Hill, whose shouts the next morning alerted rescuers.

John Boyman, twenty-nine, of Erie, Pennsylvania, was visiting a local strip club, where he managed to get a table right at the front. He was having a good time, enjoying the antics of the club’s star performer, Cherri Blossom. She removed her bra but, to Mr Boyman’s disappointment, was wearing two small sequinned tassels over her nipples. Feeling short-changed, to Miss Blossom’s and everyone else’s surprise, he jumped on stage and attempted to remove the tassels with his teeth. His attempt on the first one was successful but, in his haste and excitement to remove the second, he swallowed it and choked to death.

.....

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