Оглавление
Martin Pullen. The Completely Useless Guide to Christmas
Contents
HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS
Little Saint Nick
Sinterklaas
Klausjagen
Krampus
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Bosnia
California
China
Hawaii
Japan
Syria
Ukraine
CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS
We Three Kings of Orient Are
Gold
Frankincense
Myrrh
Deck the Halls
Holly
Ivy
Mistletoe
Poinsettia
Christmas Rose
Christmas Cactus
Glastonbury Thorn
Pull the Other One
Miniature Spyglass
Miniature Compass
Plastic ring
Miniature playing cards
Miniature screwdriver
Curly fish
Miniature Shoe Horn
Christmas Wrapping
Sellotape
Blu Tack
Tinsel
Gold Marker Pen
Candles
Wrapping Paper
Party Poppers
Batteries
Turkey Foil
Christmas TV Listings Guide
The Great Escape
The Wizard of Oz
Life of Brian
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Snowman
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
Feather Christmas Tree
Banana Christmas Tree
Oil Palm Christmas Tree
Toilet Brush Tree
Aluminium Christmas Tree
Pohutukawa
General Grant Tree
London’s Trafalgar Square Christmas Tree
BEARING GIFTS, WE TRAVERSE AFAR
A Time for Giving
Flashing Merry Christmas Comb
Chocolate Calculator
Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher
Loo Laughs
USB Desk Vacuum Cleaner
Teasub
Sterling Silver Mussel Eater
Inflatable Chef’s Costume
Divorce Vouchers
A Time for Receiving
Camouflage Golf Balls
Hand-Knitted Reindeer Jumper
Belly Button Brush
Musical Piano Tie
Novelty Christmas Underwear
Snow Globe
Clockwork Meerkats
Battery-operated Talking Polly Parrot
Leopard Print Mankini
Slippers
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING
Barking Mad!
Donkey
Robin
Turtle Dove
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
When a Child is Born
Isaac Newton
Shane MacGowan
Quentin Crisp
Kenny Everett
Lew Grade
Humphrey Bogart
O Little Town of Bethlehem
Bethlehem
Christmas Common
North Pole
Christmas Pie
Turkey Island
Snow Falls
Christmas Island
Oh! What Fun it is to Ride
Santa’s Sleigh
Roller skates
Sledge
Christmas Bullet
I SAW THREE SHIPS WASSAILING IN
Good Tidings We Bring
Apple Wassail
Wassail Punch
Lamb’s Wool
Wassail Puzzle Jug
Mum’s the Word
Belsnicklers
’Owd ’Oss
Derby Tup
Mari Lwyd
Custom-a-Relations
Scroggling the Holly
Ashen Faggot
Yule Goat
Juleoffer
Caganer
Tió de Nadal
Drawing Straws
Goose Bumps
Wool Tossing
Feeding the Wren
The Norwegian Bird Dance
The Maya Deer Dance
Nut Cracking
Ox-tails
The Night of the Radishes
Els Enfarinats
Myth Story
Kallikantzaros
Badalisc
Babushka
La Befana
Snegurochka
Grýla and Leppalothi
The Yule Lads
Yule Cat
St Barbara
St Lucia
Frau Holda
Frau Perchta
Tomte, Nisse and Tonttu
Christmas Czech-list
To Have and Have Knot
Food for Thought
Of Course…
The Future is Bright
OH, BRING US A FIGGY PUDDING
God Feast Ye Merry Gentlemen
Turkey
Goose
Wild Boar
Swan
Nut Roast
Angels on Horseback
Devils on Horseback
Pigs in Blankets
Stuffing
Giblets
Brussels Sprouts
Roast Potatoes
Roasted Parsnips
Bread Sauce
Cranberry Sauce
Christmas Plum Pudding
Figgy Pudding
Brandy Butter
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Mince Pies
Roasted Chestnuts
Monkey Nuts
Dates
Yule Log
Tangerines
Chocolate Orange
Chocolate Coins
Candy Canes
The World is My Oyster
Argentina
Australia
Austria
China
France
Greenland
Iceland
Poland
Russia
Ukraine
Ding Dong! Merrily on High
Sherry
Port
Mulled Wine
Advocaat
Eggnog
Julebryg Lager
RING OUT, SOLSTICE BELLS!
Bing Bong! Merrily on High
‘Silent Night’
‘White Christmas’
‘Jingle Bells’
‘The Little Drummer Boy’
Do They Know It’s Christmas?
‘Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)’
‘Christmas Conga’
‘What Are We Going to Get For ’Er Indoors?’
‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’
‘Santa Claus Gave Me Diabetes’
Do They Know It’s Cliff-mas?
The Beatles
Spice Girls
Bohemian Rhapsody
‘I Will Always Love You’
‘Lily the Pink’
‘Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)’
‘Merry Christmas Everybody’
Hallelujah!
Let the Games Begin
Hot Cockles
Snapdragon
Cockfighting
Are You There, Moriarty?
Reverend Crawley’s Game
MAIDS A-MILKING
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Twelve Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a-Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a-Milking
Seven Swans a-Swimming
Six Geese a-Laying
Five Gold Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree
On the First Day of Christmas…
The First Noël
Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!
A Ray of Hope
Christmas Comes But Twice a Year
Good King Wenceslas Looked Out…
Let There Be Light!
To You and Your Family
Why?
eTail Therapy
Once in Royal David’s City Centre
You’ve Got Mail!
Oh Come, All Ye Faithful
I Gave at the Office
Market Research
For My Wonderful Goddaughter’s Pet Cat Tiddles
Please Mr Postman…
Bin and Gone
Away in a Manger
Return to Sender
You Shall Go to the Ball!
’Twas the Night Before Christmas
Christmas Spirit
Err on a G-String
Dashing Through the Snow…
Oven Ready
Don’t Panic! Don’t Panic!
All Kneel
Find the Pickle
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
A Bone of Contention
A Christmas Porky Pie
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
The King’s Speech
Shake, Rattle and Roll
On the Feast of Stephen
CHRISTMAS PAST
Christmas Leftovers
Eggnog Riot
Little Larry
The Last Noel
What the Heck…?
A Great Lace to Be
SMS
About the Author
Copyright
Отрывок из книги
FOR DOREEN
ST NICHOLAS, known throughout much of the world as Santa Claus, is, amongst many other things, the patron saint of children, merchants, archers, sailors and thieves.
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For country folk, this early end could well be a blessing in disguise as, continuing a tradition announcing the birth of the baby Jesus, every evening at sunset for the entirety of Christmas, farmers in the Netherlands blow long wooden horns.
And just to make sure their signal does not go unheeded, they amplify the sound by blowing the horns over water wells.
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