The Completely Useless Guide to Christmas

The Completely Useless Guide to Christmas
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Описание книги

Did you know that Santa used to wear a blue tricorn hat and yellow stockings before he traded it in for his trademark red suit?Did you know that chocolate coins are now available in pound sterling and euro currencies? And did you know that it would be far healthier to eat your vitamin-packed Christmas tree than your chocolate coins – and that artificial Christmas trees were originally made from toilet brushes?In this delightful gem of a book, Martin Pullen has put together the most exhaustive, witty – and completely useless – companion to Christmas you could ever want. Perfect as a stocking-filler or after-dinner entertainment, The Useless Guide to Christmas is filled to the brim with fascinating facts about everyone's favourite holiday that are sure to have you entertaining friends and family right through the festive season – and beyond!

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Martin Pullen. The Completely Useless Guide to Christmas

Contents

HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS

Little Saint Nick

Sinterklaas

Klausjagen

Krampus

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Bosnia

California

China

Hawaii

Japan

Syria

Ukraine

CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

We Three Kings of Orient Are

Gold

Frankincense

Myrrh

Deck the Halls

Holly

Ivy

Mistletoe

Poinsettia

Christmas Rose

Christmas Cactus

Glastonbury Thorn

Pull the Other One

Miniature Spyglass

Miniature Compass

Plastic ring

Miniature playing cards

Miniature screwdriver

Curly fish

Miniature Shoe Horn

Christmas Wrapping

Sellotape

Blu Tack

Tinsel

Gold Marker Pen

Candles

Wrapping Paper

Party Poppers

Batteries

Turkey Foil

Christmas TV Listings Guide

The Great Escape

The Wizard of Oz

Life of Brian

It’s a Wonderful Life

The Snowman

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

Feather Christmas Tree

Banana Christmas Tree

Oil Palm Christmas Tree

Toilet Brush Tree

Aluminium Christmas Tree

Pohutukawa

General Grant Tree

London’s Trafalgar Square Christmas Tree

BEARING GIFTS, WE TRAVERSE AFAR

A Time for Giving

Flashing Merry Christmas Comb

Chocolate Calculator

Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher

Loo Laughs

USB Desk Vacuum Cleaner

Teasub

Sterling Silver Mussel Eater

Inflatable Chef’s Costume

Divorce Vouchers

A Time for Receiving

Camouflage Golf Balls

Hand-Knitted Reindeer Jumper

Belly Button Brush

Musical Piano Tie

Novelty Christmas Underwear

Snow Globe

Clockwork Meerkats

Battery-operated Talking Polly Parrot

Leopard Print Mankini

Slippers

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING

Barking Mad!

Donkey

Robin

Turtle Dove

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

When a Child is Born

Isaac Newton

Shane MacGowan

Quentin Crisp

Kenny Everett

Lew Grade

Humphrey Bogart

O Little Town of Bethlehem

Bethlehem

Christmas Common

North Pole

Christmas Pie

Turkey Island

Snow Falls

Christmas Island

Oh! What Fun it is to Ride

Santa’s Sleigh

Roller skates

Sledge

Christmas Bullet

I SAW THREE SHIPS WASSAILING IN

Good Tidings We Bring

Apple Wassail

Wassail Punch

Lamb’s Wool

Wassail Puzzle Jug

Mum’s the Word

Belsnicklers

’Owd ’Oss

Derby Tup

Mari Lwyd

Custom-a-Relations

Scroggling the Holly

Ashen Faggot

Yule Goat

Juleoffer

Caganer

Tió de Nadal

Drawing Straws

Goose Bumps

Wool Tossing

Feeding the Wren

The Norwegian Bird Dance

The Maya Deer Dance

Nut Cracking

Ox-tails

The Night of the Radishes

Els Enfarinats

Myth Story

Kallikantzaros

Badalisc

Babushka

La Befana

Snegurochka

Grýla and Leppalothi

The Yule Lads

Yule Cat

St Barbara

St Lucia

Frau Holda

Frau Perchta

Tomte, Nisse and Tonttu

Christmas Czech-list

To Have and Have Knot

Food for Thought

Of Course…

The Future is Bright

OH, BRING US A FIGGY PUDDING

God Feast Ye Merry Gentlemen

Turkey

Goose

Wild Boar

Swan

Nut Roast

Angels on Horseback

Devils on Horseback

Pigs in Blankets

Stuffing

Giblets

Brussels Sprouts

Roast Potatoes

Roasted Parsnips

Bread Sauce

Cranberry Sauce

Christmas Plum Pudding

Figgy Pudding

Brandy Butter

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Mince Pies

Roasted Chestnuts

Monkey Nuts

Dates

Yule Log

Tangerines

Chocolate Orange

Chocolate Coins

Candy Canes

The World is My Oyster

Argentina

Australia

Austria

China

France

Greenland

Iceland

Poland

Russia

Ukraine

Ding Dong! Merrily on High

Sherry

Port

Mulled Wine

Advocaat

Eggnog

Julebryg Lager

RING OUT, SOLSTICE BELLS!

Bing Bong! Merrily on High

‘Silent Night’

‘White Christmas’

‘Jingle Bells’

‘The Little Drummer Boy’

Do They Know It’s Christmas?

‘Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)’

‘Christmas Conga’

‘What Are We Going to Get For ’Er Indoors?’

‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’

‘Santa Claus Gave Me Diabetes’

Do They Know It’s Cliff-mas?

The Beatles

Spice Girls

Bohemian Rhapsody

‘I Will Always Love You’

‘Lily the Pink’

‘Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)’

‘Merry Christmas Everybody’

Hallelujah!

Let the Games Begin

Hot Cockles

Snapdragon

Cockfighting

Are You There, Moriarty?

Reverend Crawley’s Game

MAIDS A-MILKING

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Eleven Pipers Piping

Ten Lords a-Leaping

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Maids a-Milking

Seven Swans a-Swimming

Six Geese a-Laying

Five Gold Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

On the First Day of Christmas…

The First Noël

Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!

A Ray of Hope

Christmas Comes But Twice a Year

Good King Wenceslas Looked Out…

Let There Be Light!

To You and Your Family

Why?

eTail Therapy

Once in Royal David’s City Centre

You’ve Got Mail!

Oh Come, All Ye Faithful

I Gave at the Office

Market Research

For My Wonderful Goddaughter’s Pet Cat Tiddles

Please Mr Postman…

Bin and Gone

Away in a Manger

Return to Sender

You Shall Go to the Ball!

’Twas the Night Before Christmas

Christmas Spirit

Err on a G-String

Dashing Through the Snow…

Oven Ready

Don’t Panic! Don’t Panic!

All Kneel

Find the Pickle

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

A Bone of Contention

A Christmas Porky Pie

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

The King’s Speech

Shake, Rattle and Roll

On the Feast of Stephen

CHRISTMAS PAST

Christmas Leftovers

Eggnog Riot

Little Larry

The Last Noel

What the Heck…?

A Great Lace to Be

SMS

About the Author

Copyright

Отрывок из книги

FOR DOREEN

ST NICHOLAS, known throughout much of the world as Santa Claus, is, amongst many other things, the patron saint of children, merchants, archers, sailors and thieves.

.....

For country folk, this early end could well be a blessing in disguise as, continuing a tradition announcing the birth of the baby Jesus, every evening at sunset for the entirety of Christmas, farmers in the Netherlands blow long wooden horns.

And just to make sure their signal does not go unheeded, they amplify the sound by blowing the horns over water wells.

.....

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