How to predict the weather with a cup of coffee: And other techniques for surviving the 9–5 jungle
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Matthew Cole. How to predict the weather with a cup of coffee: And other techniques for surviving the 9–5 jungle
How to predict the weather with a cup of coffee
Matthew Cole
Table of Contents
PROLOGUE
THE PARABLE OF THE IPOD AND THE ONION
INTRODUCTION
HARDWIRED AS CAVEMEN
THE KEYS TO THE FERRARI. THE BEAR NECESSITIES
SURVIVAL V BUSHCRAFT
1. THE INDOOR BUSHMAN
SCREENING CALLS WITH A MICROWAVE
HOW TO SCREEN YOUR CALLS WITH A MICROWAVE
THE TOP FIVE ITEMS REGULARLY MICROWAVED IN THE NAME OF ENTERTAINMENT
CALLING ALL MICROWAVES
MICROWAVE SAFETY TEST WITH A MOBILE
THE FREEZER FIGHTS BACK. HOW TO FIX YOUR HARD DISK AMONG THE FROZEN PEAS
Day one
A few days later
How it works
DISHWASHER COOKERY
POACHED, STEAMED AND GLEAMING SALMON STEAKS
Serves four Cooking time: 70 minutes. Ingredients:
Steps:
DISHWASHER LASAGNE. Serves four Cooking time: 1 hour
SLUG SKIVVIES. RECRUIT YOUR GARDEN SLUGS TO DO THE CHORES
Back-garden pot washers
TIPS
Cleaning grout the organic way
THE WEEKEND BUSHMAN
HOW TO TURN YOUR TV INTO A COSMIC TIME MACHINE
How it works
SOFA SCIENCE LESSON
FORECAST THE WEATHER WITH INTERFERENCE
ANALOGUE REVIVAL
LIGHTNING STORM ON YOUR TV
How it works
GOOD FORECAST, BAO PICTURE
How it works
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ZAPPER
REMOTE CONTROL FREAK
ZAPPER HOKUM
CARPET STEALTH
THE SIX GOLDEN RULES OF CARPET STALKING
THE INDOOR FORAGER
HOUSE PLANTS AND FLOWERS – IDENTIFICATION GUIDE FOR THE INDOOR FORAGER
THE YUCCA – A ONE-STOP ACTIVITY CENTRE
THE POWER-ASSISTED YUCCA FIRE-LIGHTING. CEREMONY
THE CEILING SUNDIAL
FIXING THE MIRROR
How it works
THE DIAL
THE OFFICIAL LINE OF LATENESS
THE BEDROOM SHRINE
THE SIOUX ALARM CLOCK
2. TRAVEL WITH A SMALL‘T’
MAN’S SPECIALIST SUBJECT
CARS: BUSHMAN BEHIND. THE WHEEL
THE REAL HIGHWAY CODE
Eye contact
DRIVING BY NUMBERS. How to tell where you are by road numbers
MOTORWAYS
SCOTLAND
GALTON’S CODE FOR ADVENTURE
FINDING PARKED CARS THE NATIVE AMERICAN WAY
MARKING BLAZES
Marked blazes
WHY MEN LOVE GIVING DIRECTIONS
BLAZE THE TRAIL TO YOUR HOUSE
CAR-ENGINE COOKERY. DON’T SAY ‘ARE WE THERE YET?’ JUST ASK ‘IS IT DONE YET?’
50-MILE HOT DOG
CAR COOKERY KIT
WHEN TO COOK WITH THE CAR
GETTING STARTED – THE TWO TESTS
ENGINE ENVY
THE HIGHWAY COOKERY CODE
THE CAR-B-Q
HARMFUL FUMES
BACKSEAT CHEFS
BANGERS FOR YOUR BANGER
NEED A BOTTLE OPENER?
WINDSCREEN BAKERY
THE BUSHMAN AT THE BUS STOP/COMMUTING
TWO STEPS TO A CALM COMMUTE
BUS SEATS AND HOW TO GET THEM
Operation ‘Best Seat’ PHASE ONE: OBSERVATION
PHASE TWO: SURVEILLANCE
PHASE THREE: PICK YOUR TARGET
SEATED
STANDING
BATTLE ON THE CENTRAL LINE
THE BUSHMAN ON FOOT
DIRECTION FINDING BY SKY DISH
How it works
THE BUSHMAN IN NEW YORK
GIVE YOUR COORDINATES BY LAMP-POST
How it works
TELLING THE TIME USING A SKY DISH
INSTANTLY SURVEY YOUR QUICKEST ROUTE
POSTING LETTERS THE LAZY WAY
How it works
3. THE HUMAN MULTI-TOOL
DISTANCE AND TIME – ADVENTURES IN 4-D
THE HUMAN RULER. What you need
What it’s for
How it works
EGYPTIAN MEASUREMENTS
THE REAL DA VINCI CODE
SIZE OF A COW
THE THUMB-OMETER. Measuring long distance by thumb
AN EXAMPLE
WINKING DISTANCE
PACE YOURSELF
AT A NAIL’S PACE
To make a thumbnail clock
Urban bushcraft through the ages: Doctor William Bean
THE THUMBNAIL COUNTDOWN
CHILDREN’S COUNTDOWN TIMER
NAIL GROWTH IN ORDER OF SPEED (FASTEST FIRST)
4. CITY-CENTRE ADVENTURES
HOW TO PREDICT THE WEATHER WITH A CUP OF COFFEE
How it works
TIPS
FOR MINI METEOROLOGISTS
THE FESTIVAL FORECAST
CAUGHT IN THE RAIN?
THE SPECIAL FORCES APPROACH TO CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS
RULE 1
RULE 2
RULE 3
ULE 4
RULE 5
RULE 6
RULE 7
THE MALL OF THE WILD
PART ONE: THE NOMAD IN THE MALL
PART TWO: THE TRIBAL TRAP
Starbuckers
The art of not belonging
Sock solutions
The white coffee challenge
Mission milk
TOILET WISDOM
THE UPGRADE
CUBICLE CHOICE
THE CASHPOINT QUEUE (AND HOW TO JUMP IT)
A. THE MULTIPLE QUEUE DECEPTION
Tactics
B. THE COURTESY GAP
Tactics
Defence
C. FRIENDS IN THE SAME QUEUE
DEFENSIVE POSTURES
THE SECRET LIFE OF A QUEUE
THE LAW OF QUEUES
Rule 1:There are no rules
THE SEVEN SECRETS OF PUSHING IN
Single file
Excuse me
Back is best
Be first
Bide your time
The brace
Know your queue
DOS AND DON’TS AT THE BAR
THE OPTIMISTIC QUEUE
QUEUE THE DISNEY WAY
CASHPOINT TRACKING
THE PAVEMENT TANGO
NUT JITSU
Urban bushcraft through the ages: Horace de Vere Cole
5. WHEN DISASTER STRIKES
THE URBAN FIRELIGHTING KIT
How it works
NO WIRE WOOL? NO PROBLEM, USE A CAR BATTERY…
LIFE WITHOUT MATCHES
FIRELIGHTING WITH A COKE CAN AND A CHOCOLATE BAR
How it works
HOW TO MAKE YOUR TROUSERS INTO A RUCKSACK
EMERGENCY COFFEE DEVICE
THE BROADSHEET BODY WARMER
BREAK A LOCK WITH A SOCK
THE URBAN ROBINSON CRUSOE TEST. SIXTY MINUTES ON A TRAFFIC ISLAND
6. WORKPLACE STRATEGY
IN A MEETING
TIMING IS EVERYTHING
STAY STANDING; THE HANNIBAL LECTER TRICK
THE POWER OF SILENCE
GO UNDERCOVER WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR DESK
OFFICE SPYCRAFT: PASSWORD HACKING
PASSWORDS FOR PLEBS
OFFICE WARFARE
STEALTH GUN WITH A HIGHLIGHTER PEN
RUBBER BANDS: SOME ADVANCED AERODYNAMICS
THE TECHNIQUE
How it works
Plausible deniability
RUBBER BANDS – A REFRESHER
THE HANDGUN
THE SEMI-AUTOMATIC
THE OFFICE TRAPPER
A NOTE ON PREY
THE HOT DESK MOUSE TRAP
BIRO BOW AND ARROW
FIZZY SWEETS – THE EMERGENCY DEODORANT. ARMPIT CHEMISTRY FOR THE WORKPLACE
How it works
TOP-THREE CONFECTIONARY DEODORANTS
THE BOREDOM OF THE BUSINESS TRAVELLER
THE HOTEL-ROOM CHEF
THE HOTEL COOK’S TOOLKIT
THE 100-WATT HOT DOG
TIPS
LIGHT-BULB TOAST
THE IRON CHEF
Iron-chef’s bacon and eggs
Iron-pressed toasties
Iron-seared scallops
THE COFFEE MAKER
The jug
The basket
Sauces
THE TROUSER PRESS
The trouser-press pancake party
Grilled aubergine à la Corby
7. PURELY FOR PLEASURE
ARMCHAIR ARCHAEOLOGY
THE PAVEMENT GARDENER
DEATH TO THE BARBECUE
CHICKEN INFERNO. A golden-brown rotisserie chicken, ready in 15 minutes of blazing glory!
How it works
Preparation
Instructions
MUSSEL MEN
NAVIGATING WITH CITY BEES
THE BASIC IDEA
How it works
SIR FRANCIS GALTON’S SEASIDE SNOOZE PIT
Preparing a seaside snooze pit (adapted from Sir Francis Gal-ton’s The Art of Travel)
120: THE SECRET TO MOBILE PHONE HAPPINESS
120 IS PLENTY
PRIMATES AND 150
THE FACEBOOK PROOF
THINGS TO DO IN STARBUCKS
STIRRER STAR RACE. Time: ten minutes
LATTE LINGO BINGO
FROTHY PERSONALITIES PREDICTOR
THREE THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT STARBUCKS. THERE IS A SMALL SIZE
THE FOAM HAT TRICK
‘THAT’S GROSS, DUDE’
8. THE FUTURE
INDEX
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
Отрывок из книги
Cover Page
Title Page
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This is where you need your slippers. They are to you as the soft-soled moccasin was to the Seminole Indian, the expert trackers of the American woodland. By adapting the wisdom of the Seminole we turn creeping downstairs into an exercise in primitive stealth. Using his feet to feel the way, the noble hunter could creep across the forest floor in total silence, creating a picture of every twig and rock underfoot. If this is too hard with slippers try it with socks* and pick your path between the Lego bricks and those electronic toys ready to go off at the merest touch.
To avoid squeaks when opening a door, dab some cooking oil on the hinge with a tissue. It does its work in seconds. To be doubly sure, apply upward pressure as you turn the handle.
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