Junior Year, 93-94

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Megan B. March. Junior Year, 93-94

Acknowledgements

Prologue

1. Our Lives Fit in Small Boxes

2. Dinner of Fate

3. Lunch With Friends

4. Poses and Lockers

5. Playing With the Guys

6. I Hate Goodbyes

7. It Can Be Lonely in Familiar Places, Too

8. Dance With Me

9. Jensen in the City

10. Blowing Off Steam

11. Home Is Where His Heart Is

12. The Family Is All Together (Well, Almost)

13. Better Late Than Never

14. Until Next Time

15. Unexpected Company

16. Aria and Nate Drop the Bomb

17. Phoenix Bound

18. Airports, Malls, and Everything in Between

19. Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?

20. Savannah. While a song by ZZ Top played from overhead speakers about having a hard time breaking off a relationship, Jensen and I ate lunch and soaked up the sun on the patio of Grandpa’s favorite steakhouse. Jensen was telling me about things he and Emery would go out to the desert and do while visiting Arizona when they were kids, and as he spoke I admired the ring I’d bought, which now brightly glistened in the sun every time he moved his hand. He’d been so surprised Christmas morning when pulling apart the gold paper and opening the box that bore the name of his parent’s store. My surprise for him must have been passed on to the other family members because they all stopped what they were doing and focused on him

"Wow, this is amazing,” he said as he gazed at the ring, “thank you." Raising my eyebrows and looking at him directly, I said, "It's my claim stake on you so Fallon will leave you alone." The rest of the family looked a little puzzled when I mentioned the name Fallon, but Jensen didn’t bat an eye when he fixed his intense gaze into my eyes to confirm just how much the ring meant to him "Open yours," he coaxed, speaking in a low tone as he leaned over and pulled a little box wrapped with red ribbon out from under the tree and handed it to me. Feeling my stomach jump with anticipation, I gasped with surprise when I saw he had given me the beautiful sapphire and diamond M necklace I had seen when we were together at his parent's store. "I saw you looking at it when we were hanging around the store last month. The sapphire is meant to remind you of me, you know, because of my eyes," Jensen said the last part with a curled smile and a slight eye-roll "You heard me talking!" I playfully accused, and his larger-than-life smile told me I was right. I didn't even know he'd been paying attention. "Help me try it on?" I asked, pulling my hair back as he clasped it and brushed my neck lightly with his fingers "Perfect fit,” he boasted, kissing me on the shoulder and sitting back to view his work. “See, I do pay attention." "Yes, you do," I agreed

Coming back to the present and focusing in on Jensen, who was seated across from me, I realized I had pulled the necklace out from my shirt and was lightly caressing the solid M. With a smile on my face, I listened as Jensen continued to describe when his family came to Arizona while he was growing up and what they all did together with his grandparents. We had been there for over an hour and had begun wondering where we’d go next when out of the blue came an excited female voice “Jensen? Oh, my god, it is you!” Jensen and I were pulled out of our conversation by an energetic girl with beautiful hair that was a rich, deep auburn. Although in a ponytail, the girl’s tresses fell in big, lazy curls down to the middle of her back while a few stray hairs fell about her face. Watching as the girl bounced in our direction, I looked over at Jensen for a reaction “Wow. Savannah?” Jensen looked shocked to see the ponytailed young woman, who stopped in front of the table we sat at. “What are the odds?” he wondered as he rose from his chair to awkwardly hug the girl before sitting back down and glancing over at me. It was obvious the two knew one another “Hi, I’m Savannah,” the girl said, introducing herself and extending her hand out to me. Before I could say a word Jensen jumped in. “Oh! I’m sorry. Savannah, this is Mia. Mia, Savannah Nellis.” The odd way he said my name meant something “It’s nice to meet you.” I extended my hand to Savannah. She took my hand in hers graciously, but an uncomfortable air suddenly surrounded us and I began to feel discomfited. Savannah didn’t keep me guessing as to how she and my fiancé were acquainted for too much longer “Are you going to school down here?” Savannah pulled a chair from a nearby table and sat backwards on it. Instantly I was reminded of when Nate and I met for the first time during freshman year after I had been attempting to skip math after a misunderstanding with Jensen. Nate had called me out on it and had gotten me to class. It was also the first time he had asked me out. Jensen shook his head. “No, I’m not going to school down here. I’m, ah, we’re … on the annual trip to visit my grandparents,” Jensen stumbled. “I’m going to Stanford, if you can believe that.” “Wow! You got in? Congratulations!" Then to me she added, "He’s been talking about Stanford since we were freshmen!” “Oh, you lived in Juneau?” The dots had been connected as it suddenly became obvious the two had known one another in high school back in Alaska. However, I still felt I was missing something “Yes, but we moved away a few months into sophomore year.” She touched Jensen on the shoulder and smiled at me. “Did Jensen tell you I broke his heart?” Her question was like a light going off in my head. No, it was more like a dozen flashbulbs going off in my face. This was Jensen’s first I was meeting. I glanced over at him as he touched my leg underneath the table and gave an uncomfortable little smile “He didn’t quite share that story,” I said, forcing a little smile of my own at the same time as Jensen rushed to change the subject “So, Savannah,” he hastily asked, “are you going to school down here?” I watched as a beautiful smile spread across her beautiful face and couldn’t help the feeling that the smile was meant only for Jensen. “I’ll probably start school down here, but that’s not what brought me to Phoenix. Actually, my family and I just moved here a few months ago from Minnesota. We were so sick of the cold. Minnesota’s worse than Juneau!” “Wow, when are you going to cut the cord?” Jensen awkwardly joked “What do you mean?” Savannah cocked her head so that her ponytail was slightly swinging. Her red hair sparkled in the sun and her beauty was beginning to give me a complex “I mean you still live at home,” he pointed out “Jensen,” I murmured, giving him a stab with my elbow and being surprised at his rudeness “You cut the cord,” Savannah countered with a rise of her eyebrow, smiling slyly, which only continued to add to her beauty. “I take it you’re with your parents visiting your grandparents, right?” “Guilty,” Jensen confessed, shrugging his shoulders and looking down. He seemed embarrassed and his face was a bit flush. Are they flirting with each other, or am I making more of this than I should? Who was it that said you always remember your first? “Savannah!” a female voice called out and the three of us turned to see another girl walking towards us with a small child in her arms. “Sorry to cut in on your conversation, but she’s calling for you.” The girl indicated the child she was holding “Jensen, you remember Destry, right?” Savannah motioned to the girl who wasn’t much younger than us and Jensen’s face suddenly had a look of recognition and surprise. “Mia, Destry is my sister.” She turned toward her sister and added, “Des, this is Mia.” “Hey, Jensen! Sorry, but I didn’t recognize you at first. It’s so great to see you again.” She turned to me, and with genuine kindness she said, “Hello, Mia, nice to meet you.” Destry had the same red hair color as her sister, only hers was cropped as short as a boy’s and I almost felt sorry that she had done such a terrible act to what once must have been beautiful locks. I unconsciously touched my hair “It’s all good,” Jensen told her, “after all you were only in seventh grade when we met.” He nodded to the little girl. “And who is this? Did your parents have another kid?” Jensen stood up and moved a little closer to the girl who had her face buried in Destry's shoulder. Savannah walked over and lifted the little girl out of Destry’s arms. She had beautiful light brown hair swept back from her face in a little ponytail, but she shyly looked away and tried to hide from us “This is Solveigh.” Savannah looked at Jensen and then at me. “She’s my daughter.” Just as Savannah explained she was a mother, Solveigh looked at us with piercing blue eyes and I suddenly felt like the air had been punched out of me. Struggling to catch my breath without anyone noticing, I tried desperately to hold it together with a fake smile. Jensen looked slightly pale if that were possible, given he had already soaked in quite a bit of the Arizona sun “Wow, she's your kid?” Jensen looked at me to see what my face held and then back at Savannah and Destry “Yeah, yeah … she’s a teen mom.” Destry looked a bit anxious. “Savannah, we really have to get going. Mom and Dad wanted us home by three o’clock so they can use the car.” “Alright, give me a minute. Can you take her and I’ll meet you at the car?” Destry took Solveigh back into her arms and the child began squirming and muttering. Savannah leaned over whispering something to her and then kissed Solveigh on the cheek. Whatever her mother said worked because she allowed Destry to take her away “Sorry, I have to get going,” Savannah apologized. “It was so good to see you again after all this time, Jensen. Nice meeting you, too, Mia. I would love for the three of us to go out and catch up. How long are you in town for?” “Um, uh, through New Year’s," Jensen stammered “Great! Let me give you my number and we can set something up.” She looked at me. “Mia, I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.” “Me, too," I said, not sure if it was a lie at this point. Savannah and Jensen were having a hard time finding a pen and paper, so I dug in my purse and found one of each to hand to her. Jensen’s former girlfriend ripped the old receipt I’d handed her in two and quickly jotted her number down before giving everything to Jensen and signaling that he should write his own number down for her. He did so without any hesitation. It didn’t bother me so much that she was giving her number to him because I could control what happened to that little slip of paper. It did bother me, however, that he gave his number to her. I wasn’t entirely sure if she now had both his dorm number and his grandparents’ number, but I assumed it was at least the latter since she wanted to get together while he was still there. Nevertheless, that part I could not control and she would forever have an ability to contact Jensen. I didn’t like that at all. Jensen hugged his former flame briefly and then watched her jog away for longer than I would have hoped. Breaking his eyes away from Savannah, he turned to me and smiled crookedly “We should probably get back home, too,” he said, “I’m sure Alicia or Jess will want to use the car.” When Jensen finished saying that he slowly walked over to the cashier and paid the bill before leading me out of the patio area of the restaurant and to the parking lot. The ten minute ride back to his grandparent’s house was very quiet, and it wasn’t until we pulled into their driveway that I decided to say what I’d been thinking all the way there “How old do you think her kid is?” I asked point blank “I … I don’t know. One?” he guessed quickly and nonchalantly “You wish,” I muttered under my breath as we got out of the car. I was sure she was closer to two-and-a-half. It’s no wonder I felt a wave of nausea coming on. As if on cue, Emery suddenly came bursting out of the house, yelling something about going hiking and that we had taken long enough. I didn’t pay much attention to him, but instead wondered if Jensen had heard my little remark about Solveigh’s age. There was no way he could have missed the mark by that much when guessing she was only a year old. His conscious slip bothered me “Mia, do you want to go?” Emery asked, slipping his sunglasses onto his face. Jensen looked at me with the same question in his eyes. I shook my head no “You two look like you need some brother time together,” I said, wanting to be apart from Jensen for a while so I could think. “I’ll probably hang out by the pool with Alicia and Jessica and work on my tan.” “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you that you’re very pale,” Emery joked. I rolled my eyes at him as Jensen took a step closer and lightly held me around the waist and kissed my forehead “I’ll see you soon,” he whispered. While telling me that they wouldn’t be gone long and to enjoy myself at the pool, Jensen kissed me once more on the forehead and released his embrace. I told the brothers goodbye and to be safe as they headed toward the garage and punched in the code to open the door. Jensen climbed into the little vehicle’s passenger seat and Emery tossed a pair of hiking shoes at Jensen, who began to take off his Teva sandals. Words were exchanged between the two, but I couldn’t tell what was said. Maybe that was best, because even though he acted fine I could sense that something was going on with Jensen. In fact, when the golf cart pulled out of the garage and onto the road, Jensen didn’t even bother to look my direction as he often did when we were parting. Walking quietly through the main residence and out toward the guesthouse, I stopped outside the patio where most everyone was outside basking in the sun, including Alicia, Jessica, and Madison. I wasn’t quite up for talking to anyone yet, but I couldn’t just sneak around them and go inside to curl up on the sofa bed and spend the rest of the day thinking about what had just happened at the restaurant with Savannah and her little girl. Even though I didn’t feel like it, I walked over and straight into the conversation they were having "Hey, Mia!” Madison beamed, “glad you're back. Em was going stir crazy waiting for Jensen to get here so they could go hiking." "Yeah, they just left. Where are Karl and James?" I asked, but Jessica was too busy rubbing more suntan lotion on her arms to answer. She didn't look thrilled and probably rolled her eyes behind her sunglasses, but the lenses were too dark to tell "Those two are inside watching some stupid movie,” Alicia happily answered. I assumed she didn't care as much as Jessica that her boyfriend wasn't outside spending quality time with her "Where is everyone else?" "They went golfing," Madison pointed to the golf course. "Why don't you put on your suit and tan with us? Sit down and stay a while." She smiled brightly "Maybe later. Right now I think something I ate made my stomach feel a little crappy, but I’m not sure what it was." I put my hand over my stomach. "I'm going to go lie down for a while." Hurrying to the guesthouse and doing my best not to attract attention from the others, I made my way inside and shut the door behind me. What I’d said about feeling bad wasn't a lie and I was sure it was all stress-related. Sure, I’d had a nice time at the steakhouse with Jensen, but all of his past comments about marriage were always looming over me, and on top of that I go and meet some girl with a kid who is more than likely Jensen’s. No wonder my stomach feels sick. I drew the shades and went to the sofa bed and sat down, kicking off my sandals and flipping through the CDs I had brought. In the mood for something slow and relaxing, I chose Enigma and popped it in, turning up the volume and lying back on the makeshift bed. The minor nausea in my stomach had since turned to a slight pain and wasn’t going away, so I rolled to my side to see if that helped and surprisingly it did a little. I closed my eyes and thought about a conversation I’d had with Jensen about a year after he had gotten his memory back. We had been talking about his sex life with Alyna

Shifting my thoughts to the present, I realized that Jensen and Savannah hadn’t used a condom … at least once. Solveigh was most likely Jensen’s kid. No, not likely … she is his kid. Her vivid blue eyes alone gave it away. Savannah doesn’t have blue eyes, or does she? I hadn’t thought to look, but I knew with auburn hair as dark as hers she couldn’t have blue eyes unless she was coloring her hair. My reasoning mind thought that maybe she cheated on Jensen like Alyna did—he didn’t have the best track record with women before me—or maybe she slept with someone else not long after she moved to Minnesota. Savannah said herself that the winters are very cold. And what if Savannah’s version of a catch-up dinner was to tell Jensen that Solveigh is his kid? Did she want me there because I’d probably be in the kid’s life, too? Was I even ready for that type of responsibility? I’m only seventeen! She’s only seventeen. Stupid Winger song. My thoughts were completely scattered, and rather than think any more about the situation-at-hand, I tried to focus on Enigma as their music played through the earbuds that were hooked up to my CD player. Their music droned on and I soon fell asleep

I woke up sometime later with the earbuds still in my ears and the Discman on the side of me. The music had long since ended and a slight buzz of the machine was the only thing I heard. Looking out the window and seeing that it was now dusk, I tried to roll over but there was something in the way. I pushed a little harder and rolled over to find Jensen there beside me “Sorry,” he whispered, “did I wake you?” “No.” I pulled the earbuds out. “Actually, I’m surprised I fell asleep. How long have you been back?” “Over an hour. Savannah called. She wants us to go out to dinner tonight and I told her we’d meet her at that steakhouse I wanted to take you to. Can you be ready to leave in twenty minutes?” Jensen tucked a lock of hair behind my ear as he spoke “Ruth’s Chris?” “Yes,” Jensen confirmed. I thought that was somewhere just he and I would go for a romantic dinner. The thought of making it a threesome made my stomach turn “Jen-sen, you go ahead and catch up … with her,” I told him, “I’m real-ly tired. I think I may’ve got-ten too much sun.” I purposely slurred my speech, forced a fake yawn, and closed my eyes “Are you sure? I can cancel and we can go some other time.” “No, don’t. You hav-en’t seen her in e-ons and I’ll … see you again in the morn-ing.” As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. In no way did I want to imply I thought he’d be staying out all night with her, although I knew he wouldn’t. I waited for him to say something, change his mind maybe, anything that would tell me he really wasn’t going to go without me “OK,” he said after a long pause, pressing his lips to mine and running his fingers lightly along my clavicle before getting up off the bed. I looked up at him as he turned and looked down at me. For a moment it seemed like he had some kind of speech prepared. Instead, all he said was, "Mia, I love you." “Me, too,” I murmured, shutting my eyes shut again. In no time I heard the door click and knew Jensen was gone. Keeping my eyes shut, I listened as the soft sound of his footsteps faded away. Twenty minutes of just lying there passed before I got up and slowly made my way out to the pool where I quietly sat down on one of the deck chairs. Alicia must have noticed me from inside because she came out and joined me a moment later "Something’s wrong," she said in a serious voice. I nodded, feeling a slight sting in my eyes that signaled the early stages of tears. Before they could start the journey down my cheeks, Emery came out quietly and sat down by us

21. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

JENSEN

22. Escape to Reality. Pushing the locks closed on the front of my hardshell suitcase, I was feeling the excitement of going to Phoenix and being there in only a matter of hours. Not only because it had been one hell of a semester, but because I'd be seeing Mia again. She was the love of my life and I had missed her so much. The last time we had been together was Thanksgiving and that felt like a million years ago "You heading out?" Erik came into the room from the hall outside and shut the door behind him "You know it." "I didn't see Fallon out there anywhere, so you might want to go now before she shows up," Erik suggested. Fallon. The girl had been on me like white-on-rice since I'd started the semester. She was relentless and made it very clear she wanted to be with me and no one else. Even though Erik had tried to distract her on more than one occasion, Fallon still remained loyal to her cause, which was me "Do you think she'll ever move on?" I asked Erik. Erik rolled his eyes. "Dude, if she didn't want to be with me, then you're screwed." Laughing, I pushed Erik away and the two of us wrestled for a few minutes before I pulled away and Erik crossed the room to turn on the radio. A Journey song, Don’t Stop Believin’, was beginning to play. The song was an older one, but he seemed to like it as much as I did "Holy shit! I haven't heard this in forever!" Erik turned the radio up as Gregg Rolie began playing the piano part. "I love Journey!" he yelled before singing along in a weird falsetto voice. “Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world!” "You're stuck in the eighties, man. Move on!" I shook my head at him and he flipped me off. "Don't quit your day job, either.” I glanced at the clock. “Alright, man, I gotta go. I'll see you around New Year's." Erik slapped me on the back as I started out the door and continued singing along to Don't Stop Believin’. I rolled the suitcase down the hall to the elevator, glancing around the crowded hallway filled mostly with people getting ready to leave. Hopefully there was too much commotion for Fallon to get a glimpse of me if she were anywhere close. The elevator's ding pulled my attention back to the door and I held my breath as it opened. Glad to see an empty space, I wheeled my suitcase in and hit the button to the bottom floor as the doors closed. Each number lit up one by one as the elevator descended, and it almost felt like a countdown of the hours until I'd be seeing Mia once again. I wasn’t expecting to run into Fallon anytime soon since I was away from the streamline of the dorm and felt home-free when the elevator reached the main floor. I was wrong. The minute the doors opened she bounced in and pinned me to the back of the elevator. It took some major footwork to kick my suitcase into the elevator door to keep it from closing "Hey, Jensen! You're leaving without saying goodbye?" Fallon gave me a pouty look, not unlike the one Alyna put on back in high school. Alyna … now she was a mistake I had made twice, only the second time was because I'd lost my memory in a bad car accident and didn’t remember our relationship had ended over a year earlier when she cheated on me with that fucker, Kyle Meade "Uh, yeah, I have a flight to catch." "Well, before you go. I want to show you my new tattoo." She pulled her already low-cut shirt down even more, exposing the tops of her full tits just enough so you wouldn't see anything but a touch of the milky-white skin that a bikini top barely covered. She clearly wasn't wearing a bra because I noticed her nipples had become erect through her t-shirt. I also doubted she was cold and could only assume that pulling her shirt down to show me excited her. It made me think of Mia and how her body responded to my touch when we were together. I couldn't focus on the tattoo; I just wanted to get out of there before my dick gave me away. Part of me was uncomfortable, and the other part of me, the unthinking primitive part, was a little excited by how she was dressed "That’s nice," I commented without really noticing anything about the tattoo "You really think so? I got it last night.” She looked down and jutted her chest out, accentuating her curviness. “Hurt like hell on my boob." Thankfully she let the shirt back up, but it didn't do much to cover her chest "Hey, I have to go," I said, pushing past her and feeling my arm graze one of her tits. She laughed a little "OK, baby, see you when you're back." Fallon flipped a large, lazy curl of her bleach-blonde hair over her shoulder and gave me a look that told me I'd be in trouble when I got back. I grabbed my suitcase and took off for the airport

Getting through the airport procedure at SFO was relatively easy, and once I was settled on the airplane and had taken off to Phoenix, I was able to kickback and unwind. With an empty seat between me and an older woman who looked like she was ready to fall asleep, I unpacked my CD player from its case and started up the soundtrack to Last Action Hero. For some crazy reason those tunes had been stuck in my head for the last month and I wanted to hear them again all the way to Phoenix. I was a sucker for AC/DC and Queensryche; Cypress Hill and Aerosmith weren't bad, either. All around it was a good soundtrack. I fell asleep on the plane half-way through the soundtrack, so time on the plane passed quickly. Walking off the plane, I noticed my grandparents right away. Grandma Emily was the first one to hug me without regard that she may have caused me embarrassment. Holding my head she looked at me carefully "You look different," she finally said "Emily," Grandpa Jon said as he gave my grandma one of his leave-him-alone looks. He then gave me a hug and asked how the last semester in school had gone for me “Tough,” I honestly told him as the three of us started out for the baggage claim on the ground floor of the airport. I was walking between my grandparents so we could continue to talk. "Am I the first one here?" "You are," Grandma Emily confirmed. "Alicia, Mia, and your parents get in later tonight. I'll bet you can't wait to see Mia." "Yeah, I didn't think being away from her would be this hard." "When she graduates does she plan to join you?" Grandpa Jon asked "I'm working on that part," I shared, not sure how else to answer the question. It had been a frequent topic of discussion with Mia, but I still didn't know what she'd be doing once she graduated "When are you getting married?" My grandmother's face lit up as she asked the question. She lived for planning any kind of party, especially weddings "Well … interesting you bring that up," I said as we stepped on an escalator to the lower level. I turned to face my grandparents. "At Thanksgiving we talked a little about getting married earlier than planned. I think a seed was planted with the news with Em and Mad getting engaged and planning a wedding.” "So much for a long engagement," Grandpa said, throwing up his hands and giving a laugh when my grandma gave him one of her famous looks "You just know when it’s right," she reminded him. Stepping off the escalator, we continued our trek to the baggage claim area where only a few people anxiously stood and waited for their bags to slide down the chute. I didn't have to wait long for my bag, and once I grabbed it we made our way out to the parking garage. When we stepped outside I noticed it was quite a bit warmer than California. Definitely more so than Alaska. I wondered how Mia would do with the drastic Arizona climate change "Has Mia ever been to Phoenix before?" my grandma asked as I lifted my suitcase into the back of their Jeep Grand Cherokee. Had she? I was pretty sure the answer was no, but my goddamn memory sometimes acted up from last year's car accident "I don't believe so, she's not well-traveled," I replied, pulling open the rear passenger door of the Jeep and getting in. Grandpa started the engine and we began our trip out of the parking garage and to their home "I'm sure she'll enjoy the warm and sun. Your mom said it's been snowing up there and has been quite cold." Grandma and Mom spoke at least once a week, sometimes more "Are you hungry, son?" my grandpa asked. I caught him looking at me in the rear view mirror "Not really. I can eat something at home later. We don't have to make a special trip." "I was hoping you'd want go out," Grandpa Jon continued, watching the road carefully as he drove fast to keep up with traffic. I noticed he was holding steady at seventy-five miles per hour "Your grandfather has been wanting to eat at his favorite restaurant," Grandma Emily explained. She then said to Grandpa, "We can wait until everyone else is here and then take them all out to dinner. Pinnacle Peak Patio will still be there tomorrow. As will the steak." I had almost forgotten that Grandpa loved that particular steakhouse "Yeah, don't worry, Grandpa, we'll get around to going when everyone else gets here.” Reaching forward I put my hand on Grandpa’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze before sitting back to enjoy the rest of the ride. I listened to my grandparents talk about some of the things that would be going on the next week, and noted when Grandma pointed out some points of interest as we passed by. I looked at my watch, which only told me it was going to be a long wait until I saw Mia. At least my grandparents had a Super Nintendo to pass the time

Later that evening, I was trying like hell to pass the time by reading whatever magazine my grandparents kept laying around "Jon, was that a car I heard in the driveway?" I heard my grandma ask. Right away I looked up from the People magazine I’d been reading since I’d lost interest in playing the Super Nintendo two hours prior. I guess I’d been so preoccupied with the latest celebrity gossip that I hadn’t heard any car. I watched with anticipation as Grandma pulled the curtain sheers apart to get a better view out the front of the house. When she saw who was outside, she looked over at me with a teasing smile and right away I tossed the magazine to the side and got up quickly. My grandparents were already opening the door, and Grandma, who could tell I was on a mission, stepped aside and pulled Grandpa with her. A huge smile appeared on her face when I put my hand on her arm as a silent thank you. Stepping into the doorway and crossing my arms, I waited to see what Mia would do when she saw me. When she did, the smile on my face instantly grew wider and I jogged out to the car to sweep her up in a giant hug. When I set her down after greeting her, Mia’s arms found their way around my neck as she confirmed she was my birthday present. I was more than happy because I could think of nothing better than to have her there with me and my family. I moved in to kiss her, but Mom interrupted and asked me to help with taking suitcases into the house. I grabbed Mia's and Alicia's suitcases from the trunk of the car and tried to take my girlfriend’s carryon, but she wasn’t having it. As I walked up to the front door, I took note that my hand didn't hurt as I carried the suitcases. My hand. I had been so angry when I'd heard that Nate had made yet another move on my girlfriend that I'd broken it punching a cement wall. Mia had been upset with me for doing that, and Erik had constantly harassed me about being a hothead. Since then I had calmed down and didn’t constantly think about killing the guy, but there was no way I was going to trust Nate around my girl. After skirting past my grandparents and the usual niceties, I took Mia through the house and showed her where everyone would be bunking. Pointing out the theatre, I told her that I’d be showing that room to her later. Mia followed me as we made our way through the kitchen and out toward the patio. I loved the expression on her face when we entered a new room and she took everything in. Needless to say, she was in complete awe of the whole house, and that didn’t change even when we went outside, past the pool, and on to where the guesthouse stood. After setting the suitcases down outside the guesthouse that my grandparents had added on years earlier and announcing we were at our final destination, I opened the door and let Mia take in that structure as well. It was quite smaller than the other rooms in the main house, but Mia was still impressed. Her eyes scanned that area taking in the white and beige color scheme, and she didn’t seem to mind when I told her she’d have to sleep on the pull-out in the living room while my sisters shared the bedroom. She asked if the other door next to the bedroom door was a bathroom. I confirmed it was with a short kiss and then realized how strange it would be for her if the only bathroom was in the bedroom that my sisters shared. Smiling one of my megawatt specials, I wrapped my arms around Mia and pulled her close, telling her that it would be easy for me to sneak out at night to spend quality time with her. I really wanted to be with her, but knowing Mia she would have a hard time with breaking the rules. Teasingly, I said that we’d have to see about dealing with grandpa’s rules and quickly changed the subject to planning our wedding with help from Grandma. Mia changed gears easily and brought up that she was a little confused that my grandma even mentioned our wedding. She wondered if Grandma Emily was confusing us with Emery and Madison. Feeling a little embarrassed and not wanting to look her in the eye, I confessed that I may have said something to them about the conversations we’ve had. Mia gave me an unfathomable look. For some reason the subject of our future wedding was beginning to be a sore subject with her, and, like I figured, Mia didn’t want to discuss it any longer. She quickly changed the subject to when Em and Mad were coming and I explained that they’d fly in the next day and would stay at a hotel since the house was full. Mia almost panicked to think she was taking up space that my brother and his girlfriend needed, but I let her know that they insisted on it. Pulling her close I let her know, “I would have gotten a hotel if you weren't underage." She pulled away with something on her mind, but I kissed her hard to keep her from saying the inevitable. Alicia, who often picked the worst moments to do anything, burst into the guesthouse and breezed into her and Jessica’s bedroom, talking nonstop the entire time. I couldn’t help but think it was a good thing Mia and I kept our cool and hadn’t gotten carried away with one another. Alicia is great as a little sister, but there are some things that you don’t want your sister to be a part of and your sex life is one of them. Mia and I sat down on the couch and I whispered to her that we’d sneak off later for some time together. Alicia, who hadn’t heard what I was hoping to do Mia, sat down on the floor and said we were picking Karl and Jess up from the airport the next morning. Irritated with my memory issues, I confirmed if Mom and Dad had asked us to do that. Feeling relief that they hadn’t and directing my irritation at Alicia because she figured it would be cool if we did, I relaxed and asked if they were tired. Alicia didn’t seem to be, although she stretched out onto the floor like a goddamn dog. Alicia could always find a way to relax anywhere. I asked if she and Mia were up to watching a movie since I was pretty keyed up and not tired at all. Knowing me all too well, Alicia declined, adding that she didn’t want to be in the same room with the two of us all over each other “Besides,” she added, “I think your woman needs her rest. She had a hard week.” What happened now? I questioningly looked at Mia "Just the usual. I'll tell you about it tomorrow when I've slept."

"Hey, Stanford," Grandpa Jon greeted me as I walked into the kitchen. "Coffee?" I nodded, running my hand through my hair and taking the fresh cup that Grandma Emily poured. She sent me outside by the pool to be with Mia. I thanked her and made my way out to the pool deck where Mia was wearing some rather skimpy pajamas. Not minding the view, I pulled up a chair next to where she was sitting and put my coffee cup down on a nearby table before taking a seat and greeting her. Shielding her eyes from the sun, Mia commented on my Stanford garb and leaned over to kiss me, causing my dick slightly to stir with the touch of her lips. I knew I'd have a hard time keeping it in check. Without us having any time to sleep together, I knew I would likely suffer from blue-balls the entire trip. Sometimes it was a double-edged sword to have a penis

23. Non-Committal

24. The Past Comes Back to Haunt Me. After having endured forty-eight hours with family and friends I had grown annoyed with, I took Mia back to Pinnacle Peak Patio for lunch the day after Christmas. It hadn’t been difficult convincing the rest of the family we needed some out-on-the-town time together. Emery's constant sexual innuendos had rubbed off on Karl and he was making little comments here and there. I was really surprised Jess hadn't picked up on what he was saying. If she had, he wouldn't have been able to go on and on like he did. Normally that kind of shit wouldn’t bother me one bit, but I didn’t need to be reminded of just how fucking horny and frustrated I was. Not wanting to listen to Karl’s crap anymore, I made the decision that I’d somehow get Mia alone somewhere. My primitive brain took over with thoughts of taking her back to the Pinnacle Peak hiking trail and finding somewhere off the trail to unleash the built up frustration that both of us felt against some poor, unsuspecting tree. Shit, I even had a couple of condoms with me that Emery had slipped me as a joke. I was thinking how they were burning a hole in my wallet later that day as we sat at a table at the restaurant waiting for our meals to be served. Needing to concentrate on something besides the ache in my jeans that was becoming almost unbearable, I rambled on about the shit we used to get up to whenever we came to visit my grandparents. As I talked, I turned my attention to the ring Mia had bought me in hopes of keeping Fallon away. If I looked at her neck to admire the necklace I'd gotten her for Christmas that would just make things worse. Her neck was one of the places on her body I loved putting my lips on because it meant the pre-cursor to putting my lips elsewhere down her body. Truth be told, it was probably my third favorite spot on her, with numbers one and two further south. My girlfriend didn’t make things any easier for me when she lifted her face to the sun and reached inside her shirt to pull out the necklace. There was a smile playing on her lips. Damn she was making this hard. Near to exploding with a desire I could no longer contain, I was just about to grab Mia and take her out of the restaurant when a familiar voice calling my name caught me off-guard. My head automatically snapped toward the direction of the voice and I just about died when I saw who was heading toward me. Holy fuck! Savannah? Here? God, she was as beautiful as I'd remembered. Savanah’s auburn hair was long and pulled back in a ponytail, and her tight little packaged body was better than ever. She had chosen to show it off by wearing a turquoise tank top and a pair of tight, white jeans. To say that I could see Cleveland would have been an understatement. The way she showed her body wasn't unlike Fallon, but her intentions seemed different than Fallon’s and she didn't come across like she was on the prowl. Standing up as Savannah came closer to our table, I uncomfortably reached out to accept the hug that was coming my way and stole a glance at Mia, who was sitting there with an unintelligible look on her face. Savannah brightly introduced herself. Shit, why didn't I think to do that? I awkwardly jumped in before Mia could say anything and introduced her to Savannah, lingering on her name so Savannah would clearly understand what that meant. Full of curiosity, Mia somehow kept her cool as she offered her hand to Savannah, whose smile was genuine as she told Mia it was nice to meet her. A flash of our time together popped into my mind and I quickly pushed it out. There was no mistaking the feeling that we had unfinished business between us. Surprisingly, Savannah pulled a chair over from a nearby table and sat down, asking if by chance I was going to school locally. I told her about the family’s visit to see my grandparents for Christmas and my time at Stanford. She was excited that I’d gotten in and made a mention of how I'd been talking about it since we were freshman. I looked over at Mia, whose expression changed to show that she had put the pieces together. She stated the obvious: that Savannah must have lived in Juneau. The look on her face didn’t say whether or not she understood who Savannah really was, but she was about to get another clue when Savannah explained she had moved away sophomore year. The clincher was when she asked Mia if I told her she had broken my heart. I didn't expect Savannah to say anything like that and glared at her behind my shades. Turning my attention to Mia, I could see in her eyes that she got what Savannah was saying. Putting my hand on her leg underneath the table, I smiled awkwardly and knew I had to change the subject fast by asking Savannah if she was going to school in Arizona. My former girlfriend gave me her usual to-die-for smile and launched into how she came down to Phoenix with her family to get away from the cold in Minnesota. When I made a joke about her still living with her parents, I just barely heard my current girlfriend castigate me for being rude. I wasn’t really paying attention because when Savannah cocked her head that sexy way I had always remembered, I had to take a deep breath and try not to think about the fact that my dick was stirring for someone other than Mia. She asked what I meant and the way her ponytail swung prompted memories of grabbing her ponytail and pulling her head back so I could trail my tongue up her neck, something that had driven her wild. Recovering quickly and trying not to have more thoughts like that, I heard Savannah teasing me about still doing a family vacation every year at Christmas. She added a raised eyebrow with her smile and I felt my stomach tighten and my dick twitch. Damn, she still has an effect on me “Guilty,” I pleaded, looking down and smiling to myself as a slow burn was spreading across my face. In more ways than one I was guilty and I knew I needed to stop. What thoughts were running through Mia’s head right now about what’s happening between Savannah and me? If I didn’t think things could get any worse I was seriously mistaken, because Savannah’s little sister, whom I hadn’t seen in ages, came bouncing over to the table with a little girl on her hip. I wondered who Destry was carrying and thought maybe the girl was their little sister. After making a bit of small talk and asking about their family, Savannah made it known that the little girl was her daughter, Solveigh. When she stated this fact out loud, the whole air about us seemed to stop and my face heated up from the blood that must have been flooding my brain. As if on cue, Solveigh turned to look at us with eyes the same color of blue as mine. What the fuck? Savannah had a kid? My kid? Why the fuck didn't she tell me? No, this isn't possible! Before I could fully register the fucking side show playing out in front of me, my former girlfriend, and my current girlfriend, Destry was making some comment about them having to go. The three were about to take off when Savannah said that she wanted to go out with me and Mia to do some catching up. She then asked how long we’d be in town. What? Savannah wants to get together? Fuck me! I can only guess what Mia thinks about this. I looked over at Mia, who remained pretty calm as she was telling Savannah she was looking forward to getting to know her better. Jesus Fucking Christ, could this get any more fucked up? After exchanging phone numbers, Savannah hugged me quickly before running off to join up with her sister who had walked on ahead and was carrying Solveigh. I watched Savannah’s red ponytail swing back and forth like it did when once she had run away from me at the beach, looking much like she did today. I had chased her along the water, and when I caught up with her I kissed her hard, pressing her up against one of the large pieces of driftwood that jutted up from the sand. Finally coming to my fucking senses, I suggested going back home in the event Alicia or Jess wanted to use the Jeep. I quickly paid the bill and led my subdued girlfriend out of the restaurant. Mia was quiet on our way back to the house, which wasn’t surprising. I knew that our confrontation with Savannah must have been a lot for her to take in. Hell, it was a lot for me to take in! I knew that we both needed time to process what just happened. Afraid of what I might say, I refused to open my mouth. Too much had been said already. It wasn't until I pulled up into the driveway that Mia finally spoke, asking how old I thought Solveigh was. The little girl was the last thing I wanted to talk about, so I knowingly guessed wrong and said I thought she was one. Getting out of the Jeep, I realized I was holding my breath as I waited for Mia to say more, but thankfully we were interrupted by Emery who came out of the house complaining about me being gone too long and him wanting to go hiking. Remembering the hiking plans I’d made with Em a day earlier, I heard Em asking Mia if she wanted to go. Although I was secretly hoping she’d say no, I felt a little guilty when she said that Emery and I needed time together to be brothers. Emery then razzed her on her lack of tan and said we’d be back before she knew it “I’ll see you soon,” I whispered into Mia’s ear as I held her close. I almost didn’t want to let her go. “Have fun at the pool, I promise we won’t be gone very long.” I left Mia with a kiss on the forehead and then my brother and I took off after getting Grandpa’s golf cart out of the garage that was already loaded down with two camel packs full of water and snacks for our short journey. Emery tossed me a pair of hikers and I took my Teva’s off roughly “Need some time away from the ball and chain?” he teased “Yeah, you could say that.” Emery drove us down the street in the golf cart at a speed that was probably beyond what was allowed. Turning the wheel to go around a bump in the road, he stepped on the gas a little too much and caused me to grab onto the top of the cart to keep from tumbling out "Jesus, be careful! Grandpa Jon would go thermonuclear if he knew you were driving his golf cart like this." Emery cracked a grin. "That’s doubtful,” he laughed, “I’ve never seen him go thermonuclear before.” He laughed even louder. “Where did you two take off to, anyway? I thought you’d never get back.” "Pinnacle Peak Patio," I shouted, sounding a little too rough "That good, eh? What's wrong with you, man?" “Just drive and I’ll tell you when we get there,” I mumbled. A few minutes later, Emery pulled up at the trailhead and turned the golf cart off before getting out and slinging his hydration pack over his shoulder. I grabbed the other one and soon we started up the trail we had gone on numerous times over the years. There were a few changes in the terrain, manmade or otherwise, but most everything was as I remembered it. With shade from the clouds over us, Emery turned his shades backwards on his head so he could see better. He was the only guy in the world who could pull that look off without looking like a total douchebag. I left mine alone “Did you and Mia get into a fight?” "Not exactly," I said, breathing out as we walked. "We ran into Savannah." "Holy shit! No fucking way!" Emery was just as surprised as I had been. "What was that like? She still hot?" "She has a kid, Emery." The revelation came out just above a whisper. Emery grabbed my arm and looked at me, narrowing his equally blue eyes. The look was intense and one I'd never seen before coming from my older brother "It's yours?" I nodded and he shook his head, letting go of my arm and throwing out a distressed, “Fuck.” He then looked directly at me, almost like a parent, and asked, “Didn't you learn anything from the scare I had in high school? That was the whole goddamn reason I made you go buy that fucking test. I could have easily gotten it myself, but I wanted you to remember what that was like so you wouldn’t do the same shit I did." We started walking again, but this time I was behind Emery as he lectured me. "Wasn't she on the pill?" he asked over his shoulder before slowing down enough for me to step beside him "Yeah, otherwise I wouldn't have done it,” I shot back, “I'm not that fucking senseless, you know." I could feel myself getting angry "Stupid enough to fuck her without a condom." His words were piercing and I didn’t care to hear any more "Jesus, Em, it wasn't like that. I was in love with her. We did not fuck." "Fine, made love, had sex, whatever you want to call it." Emery comically made quotes in the air with his fingers and emphasized his words, but neither of us was laughing. "And what does Mia have to say about it? She didn't seem too freaked out about it." "I don't think she knows or realizes the kid is mine." "Oh, she knows, bro … believe me. Girls have radar like that." Shaking my head because I was unsure, I thought about Mia and what she would possibly say or do when the subject came up. There was no getting around that she and the rest of my family would be involved sooner or later. As Emery wondered why she hadn’t freaked out by now, I guessed it was because we hadn’t had any time to talk about what had happened at the restaurant. Emery and this hiking trip had put the skids on that. He asked what I was going to do about Mom and Dad, saying that they were going to lose their shit when they found out "Don't fucking tell them!" I lashed out, grabbing Emery's arm and digging my fingers into his bicep "Let go of me," he growled through his teeth, stopping short and glaring at me as he flexed his arm. I knew he meant business and let go "Sorry.” We began walking again. “All of this is a little … you know." "Fucked up is the term," Emery voiced what I was trying to say as I nodded my agreement. Walking further along the trail and watching out for rattlesnakes that were known to make their way into the open on warmer days, I told Emery how Savannah wanted to get together with both Mia and me. I went on to tell him that we exchanged numbers "Oh, I bet that went over well with Mia. What number did you give her?" "The one here and the number to my dorm. I’m sure Mia thinks I only gave out the Phoenix number and that’s fine with me right now. I figure I'll need to talk to Savannah when I get back to California and get a DNA test done." "That would be wise, man." We were in the midst of an incline and Emery's breath had increased like mine. "So,” he started out, “you going to get together with her?" He could have been asking me if Mia and I were both were going to get together with Savannah, but I knew he wasn't "Yeah, dude, but only with Mia. You don't think I still have feelings for Savannah, do you?" I asked as Emery glanced at me and then looked up the trail. "Well, do you?" "No! Are you fucking crazy?” My voice echoed off the large boulders that lined the trail "Alright, alright." Emery held up his hands and walked backwards so he could look at me while we talked. "But, I can tell there's something there, little bro." Emery’s fucking radar was in tune with everything, and I knew he wasn’t going to let up until I confirmed what he suspected. Running my hands through my hair in stress, I confessed, "Of course there is. Savannah was my first and I loved her. Besides that I think we have some unfinished business." "Unfinished business," Emery snorted. "You sound like a fucking ghost." Laughing at what Emery said, I had to agree that what I’d said sounded stupid. We continued along the trail and I had to admit that Savannah and I really didn’t have any kind of closure when it came to us breaking up "So,” Emery said, slowing down and using his hands to make his point, “say the kid is yours. What are you going to do then? Are you going to try and raise the kid with Mia somehow involved? And by the way, does Savannah even know you and Mia are engaged?” "Fuck … well, I guess becoming part of Solveigh’s life is the responsible thing to do. Already I’ve missed out on a lot and can never get that time back. Savannah doesn't quite know how serious we are, but I'll fix that at dinner.” My mind was beginning to race through a dozen scenarios that involved my new family. “Shit, how much child support do you think I owe? Will I get in trouble for not paying it? She never fucking told me I had a goddamn kid, you know.” My pulse rose and I was beginning to panic. The lifelong dream I had of graduating from Stanford could possibly fall apart "Chill, bro. Don’t worry unless you have to. I know that’s easy to say, but I'm sure you wouldn't be held liable for her not telling you she had your kid. We might be getting ahead of ourselves, you haven't yet done a DNA test," he reminded me, running his hand through his hair. I felt the pit of my stomach drop. Emery only did that when he was nervous. At that point we both stopped on the trail "There’s no doubt that the kid’s mine, Em. Savannah said that she was looking forward to getting to know Mia and that’s probably because she figures we’re serious and wants to make sure Mia is good for Solveigh.” I put my hands in my pockets and stared out at nowhere. “Shit, this could get complicated. What if Savannah doesn't like Mia? What if Solveigh doesn't like Mia? This is the kind of shit that divorced people have to deal with. I'm not going to let some ex-girlfriend or her kid dictate who I can and can't be with." By then I had crossed my arms in front of me as a form of defense "Your kid … possibly," Emery reminded me. Balling my fists and shaking my head, I asked Emery if we couldn’t just hike and talk about something else. He looked like he was about to say something else about the subject, but knowing that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore he changed his mind and said nothing more about Savannah. We continued our hike with broken silence and ended up back at the golf cart about thirty minutes later and Emery let me drive the golf cart back to the house "It will be OK, man. Tell me what you need when you figure it out and I’ll be there for you," he offered as he slapped me on the back before we went into the house "Thanks, man, I will." Grandma Emily was talking on the phone when we went into the house. Her eyes darted back and forth from me to Emery before she quietly said into the phone, "Oh, hang on, he's here now." She came over and handed me the phone. I didn't have to ask who it was because I knew. Taking the phone from Grandma, I turned and walked back out the front door to have some privacy in the front yard without looking at Emery; he was a distraction that I didn’t need right then "Savannah," I said, keeping my voice low in case any of my family happened to be loitering nearby "Jensen! It was so great seeing you today. Are you and Mia free for dinner tonight? I'd like to catch up." I hesitated and wondered if she had other intensions besides being social. "Uhhh … yeah. Uhh … where do you want to meet?" "How about Ruth’s Chris? I remember how you like steak." Shit. She knows me too well "Yeah." I ran my hand through my hair and thought of Emery whose nerves were catching. "What time?" Before I knew it, I had committed us to a dinner with Savannah at five. What made it worse was the fact that my former girlfriend suggested we meet at the very same restaurant Mia and I were to spend time alone. Mia wasn’t going to be jumping up and down about that idea, but I hoped she wouldn’t be too pissed off. I had to admit that so far she had been pretty good with the whole Savannah thing, but there was only so much she’d take and I was afraid that Mia was just about at her limit. It didn’t help any that we met face-to-face with Solveigh and her goddamn blue eyes. My goddamn blue eyes. With all the people in Phoenix, just what were the odds that I’d run into Savannah? Walking back into the house and into the kitchen to put the phone away, I didn’t see Mia anywhere and figured she took off to the guesthouse to either get ready or to be alone. Going out to find her crossed my mind, but we both needed time to get our minds around the situation. It was also best that I take a shower before Karl got in there and used up more than his share of hot water. After getting in a quick shower and putting on a fresh pair of Khakis and a light blue Henley, I went to the guesthouse and looked in the window to see Mia lying on the sofa bed. Her lips were slightly parted and it looked as though she was sleeping. Trying the door and finding it unlocked, I quietly entered and climbed onto the folded out sofa bed, getting as close to Mia as I could without waking her up. She seemed so peaceful. I curled my arm above her head. What was I going to tell her when she woke up? How was she going to react? My mind was spinning with the different scenarios as I watched her breathe. She moaned slightly and I reached out to carefully touch her full bottom lip with my thumb. She didn't stir "I love you, Mia,” I whispered. “Whatever the fuck happens after today just know that I love you.”

Mia continued to sleep peacefully for another thirty or forty minutes before she finally awoke to me watching her like I had done the entire time she was asleep. Like always, she was especially beautiful the moment she opened her eyes. Taking in a deep breath, Mia turned to me and stretched before closing her eyes once again and pulling the earbuds from her ears. Surprisingly, she didn’t rib me about watching her sleep. She had always thought it was a creepy move, but I couldn’t help myself. She was always so fucking beautiful. I looked at her striking face and wondered how to break the news that I'd committed us to dinner with Savannah at Ruth’s Chris. Taking in a deep breath of my own, I proceeded to make a bit of small talk before coming out with the news and asking if she’d be ready to leave in twenty minutes. Surprisingly, Mia quietly declined and told me to have a good time catching up with Savannah. Oh, shit, she’s mad. Saying something about getting too much sun, she gave a half-hearted yawn and sounding a bit drunk. It was almost comical; she was a terrible actress. She had to be faking, but maybe she was giving me a way out of an uncomfortable situation. I mean, sitting between my current flame and my former one talking about the past and the future was risky. I didn't know quite what to say and blurted out that maybe we could go some other time, but Mia told me not to cancel and that she'd see me in the morning. Fuck, what do I say? This wasn't how I wanted this to go “OK,” I finally agreed, moving in and giving her a quick kiss on the lips before reaching over and touching her lower neck, where her necklace lined her light brown skin. I got up and told her I loved her before walking out and quietly closing the door. I wanted to say more, but I had no idea what else I could have said. I walked quietly into the kitchen, and after asking Grandpa Jon if I could borrow his Jeep again to meet an old friend for dinner, I went on to explain to his questioning face that Mia wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be going with me. Did I lie? I didn't know. It would have been her lie, if I had. Grandpa told me to have a nice time and tossed me the keys, which I flipped around my index finger while walking to the door. Unconsciously I put my hand on my back pocket to make sure I had my wallet and remembered the condoms that were also there. I knew I wouldn’t need them now that Mia wasn’t going, but I didn’t want to take the time to go back to my room. Instead, I told Grandpa goodbye and headed out the door. Squealing the Jeep’s tires as I took off down the street, I chose not to think much about anything, I just drove

Walking into the steakhouse alone to meet my old girlfriend felt a little strange. Looking around I noticed that the place was full of customers with only a few empty tables; making a reservation never crossed my mind. It’s five o'clock for Christ's sake—no one eats this early unless they’re old! I was just about to walk up to the podium to give the well-dressed gentleman my name when I felt a hand on my arm "Jensen," Savannah said, pulling me over to the side. "I already put my name down about fifteen minutes ago. The wait is twenty to thirty minutes." She smiled and then a frown spread across her face. "Where's Mia? Surely you're not making her park the car?" she joked. At the mention of Mia's name I felt sick. "She got too much sun,” I told her, shaking my head, “It's just us tonight." It was all I could get out "Well, that's unfortunate, but this might have been a little awkward for her.” Savannah bit her full bottom lip in thought. “Anyway, I guess it gives us time to catch up.” Noticing the deep red lipstick Savannah wore, I had to hold an errant thought at bay of her lips around my dick. Instead, I chose to notice the blush to her cheeks and the smoky grey above her eyes. She was wearing more makeup than she ever did when we were together, and instead of her hair being up or pulled back, Savannah’s hair was longer and cascaded in waves down her chest. The simple black dress that she wore was low-cut in front, showing just enough cleavage to entice. The good news was that it didn't quite hug her body. The brain between my legs would have made an entrance, and my light colored khakis would give away the fact that I had a monster hard-on. Talk between the two of us was light before the hostess called out to seat us about ten minutes later. Standing up, Savannah took my arm and held it close to her while I automatically tensed up and scanned the restaurant for anyone who might go snitch to Mia. Without any telling expressions from Savannah, she let go of me and turned to follow the hostess who was making her way through the tables that were dotted around the room. I followed and looked down, taking note of the deep auburn heels Savannah was wearing, presumably to match her hair. They had to be at least five inches high, and how the hell she walked rather smoothly in them I didn't know. It was hard not to notice how the shoes accentuated her legs … and her ass. As my dick twitched slightly, I turned my thoughts to prom … and Mia. She had worn shoes about that high, which lifted her to my height and gave an extra sexy bounce to her walk. Having thoughts of Mia seemed to be a natural response any time I was having unnatural thoughts about my ex-girlfriend. Sitting down at a side table near the back of the restaurant, we were immediately asked if we wanted to see the wine list. Savannah tossed her hair gently behind her shoulder and laughed as she tipped her chin up. Damn, it reminded me so much of our time together "We're not old enough, but thanks,” she told the waiter, “you totally made my day." The waiter turned crimson and seemed to be relieved when Savannah said she’d have an iced tea instead "Water, I’ll just have water," I stammered. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I acting like a goddamn kid on a first date? I opened the menu to distract me and began browsing down the list of appetizers and meals, anything to avoid the awkwardness and also to keep me in check "Sooo…" Savannah carried out with her lips pursed. She looked lost for words. “Is it me or can you cut the tension between us with a knife?" "Yeah, you could say that," I agreed, looking up at her quickly. Now slightly relaxed, I was glad she’d called it out into the open “Why do you think that is?” She played with a lock of her hair as she spoke. "Oh, that's right,” she seemed to recall. “Because I broke your heart and you stopped writing to me. There’s tension now because we didn't really have closure then." She lingered on the word closure and her face turned serious. "Why did you stop writing, Jensen?" she asked, cocking her head slightly and raising her eyebrow "My girlfriend didn't like that I was talking to you." Hearing the words said out loud made me realize just how lame that excuse really was. I looked down at the menu again as if making a decision on what steak dinner I was going to have "Mia?" She seemed surprised "No, no, Mia and I weren't together then. Her name was Alyna. I don't think you knew her." "Oh," Savannah said, opening her menu. It was now her turn to pretend to be picking out something for dinner. "You and Mia seem to have a vibe of serious that suggests you've been together for a long time.” “You could say that.” Before I could tell her more, my train of thought was interrupted by our drinks arriving and Savannah asking the waiter for another few minutes to decide on what she was going to order. Looking a bit stressed out by the number of tables he had to wait on, the server told Savannah to take her time and hurried off to another table that had just been seated. She took a few minutes more and it looked as if she had made a decision when she closed her menu and put it to the side like I did mine "So, bring me up to speed on what you’ve been up to since I left,” Savannah said. “I now know you dated someone named Alyna. What else?" "Well, after you left I had a short fling with a senior named Anne-Marie. You could call her my rebound. Then, I got together with Alyna and we were pretty serious for a long time until she cheated on me with some asshole named Kyle. Then there was a girl over the Fourth of July weekend I screwed to help me forget about Alyna. No one came along after that for a long time. Not until Mia, anyway. She and I have been together ever since.” I reached for my glass of water and took a quick drink. “Well, except for the time I got into my car accident and lost my memory. I couldn’t remember anything that occurred after dating Alyna, and as far as I knew we’d never broken up. In fact, Alyna even took advantage of my memory loss, leading me to believe she was still my girlfriend. Mia and I now call it the time when I lost my mind.” I gave a quick laugh, but stopped when I saw Savannah looking at me with her mouth open. Shit, that might have been too much information "Oh, um, I didn't mean for you to tell me all the personal details about your relationships. I was just curious about you. What you've been doing." She seemed embarrassed "Shit. Sorry. I’m nervous, I guess." Jesus, I'm such a dickhead! I felt like an ass "So, you were in a car accident, huh? Sounds like you must have been really hurt. That's crazy! Do you still have memory problems?" She was genuinely interested "Nothing I can't handle," I mumbled, taking another drink of water and clearing my throat. I went on to tell her about the accident and how after getting the bulk of my memory back I’d now only forget small things such as the combination on my locker during senior year, my phone number to my dorm, whether Mom and Dad asked me to do something, names of people I didn’t know well … stupid shit "How did you get your memory back?" Savannah wanted to know, putting her lips over the straw of her iced tea and taking a quick sip. The straw was white and her deep red lipstick left a line on it. I shook the thought away of what it again reminded me of. But Jesus had she been good at giving head "Actually, it was during a talent show," I paused to take the last drink of water and wished I had another. To my relief the busy waiter appeared instantly and filled my glass "What? At a talent show? That's odd." "Not if you really think about it. Mia sang a song dedicated to me, which turned out to be our song. Of course I didn’t realize it right away since Alyna did her best to drag me out of the place. She got me to the far back of the auditorium before I stopped and really listened to this girl, whom I didn’t know at all, singing a song just for me. The girl even had pictures of the two of us on a screen behind her. That was when it all came rushing back.” I snapped my fingers together and made a loud noise. "It was like mixing the old with the new, which doesn’t always work out so well.” Savannah didn't catch on to what I was implying "Wow, that’s something movies are made of. And what happened with that Alyna chick?” “Oh, she wasn’t happy at all how things worked out, but there was no way I could ever trust her again after what she pulled, so I cut that shit right off. I could never be her friend after that.” I could feel myself getting heated again after all that time “And now you two are getting married,” Savannah said, straightening up and pulling her seat forward, “or are you already married and just not telling me?" She reached out and touched the ring on my left hand. Looking down at the ring Mia gave me, I laughed. "No, no, not yet. We're really just engaged." "Oh," she quietly said, looking at me directly and taking another drink of her iced tea "Mia bought me this ring for Christmas and I like how it looks good on either hand.” I took it off and put it on my right hand to show Savannah it could go anywhere, but since the ring felt better on my left hand I put it back. “I like the ring here and hopefully it will serve as a deterrent to this girl at school who is absolutely relentless." I rolled my eyes and pictured Fallon the time she had me pinned in the elevator. Before Savannah could comment, our server was back to take our order. A few moments later we were alone again. The rush of customers at the restaurant had not slowed down any, but I was feeling more at ease the longer we sat there and talked "So, you're going to Stanford. Where is Mia going? Sounds like you two are doing the distance thing." "She's still in high school but she’ll graduate this spring," I shared "Huh, I had no idea. She seems much older than someone in high school," Savannah commented as the server came back and gave us a basket of bread to work on until our food arrived. Savannah took a piece and buttered it lightly, but instead of biting into it she pulled a piece off and slowly put it in her mouth "Actually, Mia’s graduating early. This year she started as a junior, but with all her credits she'll be a senior when school is back in session. The school has some inane rule that you had to have eighteen credits to be a senior and she has all those credits now," I explained. “Being very driven is a good quality to have.” "Yes, it is.” Savannah pulled another piece of bread apart and slowly ate it like she did the other. “You know, it’s obvious to me that Mia really loves you with the way she looks at you and everything. I was a little surprised that she was so nice and didn’t freak out after meeting me today.” "Maybe that’s because I've told her everything, Savannah. Full disclosure." "But not that I broke your heart," Savannah pointed out as she looked at me slyly and put the rest of the bread she'd been peeling pieces from into her mouth. Shit, she’s right. Being dumped is something no one wants to admit “Yeah, you got me there.” I fidgeted a little in my seat "So, it's my turn to tell you what I've been up to." Savannah took a drink and then placed a hand under her chin. Oh, shit, here we go. I bit into the bread and chewed slowly, waiting for her to drop the bomb. "Obviously you know I live here now," Savannah said, motioning in the air with her other hand. "Anyway, with Solveigh and everything else going on I haven't had much of a dating life. There’s been a few guys here and there, but nothing special. None have really been able to handle the fact that I have a kid." Looking like she was gathering her thoughts, Savannah stopped and took another drink of her iced tea. I was on the edge of my seat but tried to play calm, cool, and collected while I waited for her to go on "Jensen," Savannah said as she folded her hands together and put them in front of her on the table, "I was pregnant when I moved to Minnesota and didn't find out until a few weeks after we'd gotten there. At first I wasn’t sure what to do and I waited some time before I told my parents. Oh, Jensen, they were so pissed.” She tapped her bottom lip with her finger as she surely thought back to those days. “Not wanting to complicate things further and in a sense start fresh, I told them I’d had a one night stand with someone I’d met at the gym. They didn’t believe me at first and seemed to do some time calculating of their own, but I stuck with my story and they finally let it go.” Savannah began to twist her hands together. “I’m the one who insisted you make love to me without protection, so when I found out I was pregnant I couldn't tell you and ruin your life, too.” And there it was … the confession of a lifetime: Savannah was finally telling me that Solveigh was my daughter. Not knowing what to do or say, I sat there for a minute staring at Savannah. She must have thought I didn't hear what she was saying because she felt the need to cement it "Jensen, this isn’t easy for me,” Savannah strained to say, causing me to look her in the eye. “There was never a time that I thought I’d ever run into you again and have to explain the existence of a little girl who resembles you so much. This caught me off guard just as much as it has you.” Savannah reached out and touched my hand. "Say something," she pleaded. Pulling my hand away unexpectedly as if hers were fire, I struggled for something to say that was somewhat intelligent and not coming from one who felt like a little kid who’d just had it confirmed that Santa isn’t real. Deep down I knew Solveigh was mine, but I wanted to hold on to the slim chance she wasn’t. Hearing the words said out loud was not easy "Fuck, I can't deal with this right now, Savannah," I said, standing up and reaching into my wallet for two crisp hundred dollar bills. I had no idea what dinner would cost, but I didn't want to be a total asshole by leaving Savannah with the bill. "Do whatever you want with my dinner. This should cover it." I dropped the two bills next to the silverware "What? Jensen, you can’t leave right now. I know this is a lot to take in, but we need to talk about this." She started to get up and I motioned for her to stay where she was. "Do you want a DNA test to be sure?” she asked almost in a panic. “She's yours, Jensen, I swear, but I want you to know for sure that she is. There’s no reason why we can’t do the test while you’re still here.” "Savannah, I need some time to deal with this, OK? You have my dorm number, right?” She nodded and sank back into her chair. “OK, so let’s talk later." I stared intently at Savannah to make sure she understood that I wasn’t bailing out and intended to discuss Solveigh with her in the near future. She didn't press the issue and slowly nodded her head while biting her lip. The look on her face was one of hurt and I felt bad. I asked her to give me a few days because I needed to figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to tell Mia. Putting my hand over Savannah’s for a moment, I then turned and headed for the front entranceway without looking back

25. Hindsight. Switching off the engine of the Grand Cherokee after pulling into my grandparent's driveway, I leaned back into the seat, let out a deep breath, and then rested my head in my hand. What a fucking mess. I thought of a dozen different ways to break the news to Mia, but none would be easy. Not one would save the love of my life from being hurt and me feeling like an asshole. The events of the day swirled around in my head and I suddenly wondered if Savannah would have confirmed that Solveigh was mine if Mia had also gone along with us to dinner like we first had planned. What then? There was no use me sitting out in the driveway any longer, so I summoned up the courage to go inside, hoping that by chance Mia wasn’t asleep. Getting out of the Jeep and shutting my door as quietly as possible, I set the alarm and walked around to the side of the house so I didn’t wake anyone up by going in the front. It was late, almost eleven, and dinner with Savannah had ended more than four hours ago. I could only imagine what Mia was thinking if she was still up. I felt a bit of reprieve when I entered the pool area from the rarely used side gate and saw that all the lights were off in the guesthouse. That gave me the excuse to wait until morning to speak with her. Sitting down on a deck chair by the pool and unbuttoning my shirt, I stared at the still blue water of the lighted swimming pool and tried to clear my mind of everything, but Savannah and the words she spoke at dinner circled around in my head. Along with her confession were the words to a Pearl Jam song: … sorry you didn't see him, but glad we talked. Glad we talked. Those words could have easily gone along with what Savannah had to say. Reclining back and looking up into the clear warm sky, I did my best to get lost in the stars that shined down, but my thoughts went back to the night Savannah broke the news about her family moving to Minnesota. That night was now becoming a turning point in my life

It was early on a Friday evening and I felt like a loser because I was all alone at home and waiting by the phone. Emery and Jess had gone to a football game, Alicia was spending the night with a friend, and our parents had gone out to dinner and a movie. Having the house all to myself would have been great if Savannah hadn’t had to stay home for a family meeting. She promised to call me later and tell me what her father claimed was so very important. With nothing good on TV that I could get into, I reluctantly shut it off and looked at the clock. Savannah should have called by now. Thinking that I’d grab something to eat before giving her a call myself, I was headed toward the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Not expecting anyone, I hesitated a second before opening the door and finding a shivering wet Savannah standing there with red-rimmed eyes. Either she had been crying or she had tried her hand at getting high. I wasn't sure which "Savannah, what are you doing? How did you get here?" I pulled a soaked Savannah inside and immediately shut the door. I hadn't noticed how long it had been raining, but puddles had built up and the ground was drenched. Savannah’s hair was dripping wet and her shoes were soaked through "I … I took the bus,” she stammered, “I … I had to come see you." She was shivering as she talked. With the nearest bus stop across a busy highway and at least half a mile away, I knew that whatever had gotten Savannah so upset was important to me, too. Pulling her further into the house, I helped her shed her drenched coat and hung it up on the banister to dry, making sure to put the rug that usually sat just inside the front door underneath her coat to catch the falling water. She kicked her shoes off as well, and with trembling hands she put them as neatly as she could by the door "Come on, we need to get you out of these clothes,” I said, searching my brain for clothes of mine that would fit her best. “I can't believe you ran across the highway! Some asshole could have hit you." Savannah was quiet as I led her upstairs towards my room where she could put on dry clothes and bury herself in a large blanket kept at the end of my bed. After grabbing a towel out of the hall closet, I ushered Savannah into my room where she stood and shivered, looking like a little girl who needed to be taken care of. Not knowing exactly what to do next, I went over to rummage through my dresser and took out a t-shirt and pullover sweatshirt that had become too small for me to wear. Next, I went to the closet to find a pair of jeans that had gone through too many washings and was one or two sizes smaller than what they first were. Silently, I thanked my mother for putting off her usual after summer donation to the Salvation Army and took the clothes out for Savannah to put on. She took the clothes and set them on the edge of the bed. Giving another pitiful look, she held her arms up in the air over her head like she was asking for my help, and without thinking twice about it, I pulled her shirt off. Without flinching, she unbuttoned the top of her jeans and shimmied out of them. Next, her socks came off and landed next to her shirt where I had thrown them on the floor. Trying my best not to stare, and ignoring the matching baby blue underwear ensemble she wore, I wrapped the towel around Savannah’s body before she sat down on my bed. Rubbing her arms and legs briskly, I did my best to warm her up before helping her into the clothes I’d rounded up for her to wear. She put her arms around my shoulder and neck before backing away and looking at me. Talking a good look into her eyes, I realized she’d been crying "What's wrong?" I whispered, feeling a sharp tug in my stomach. I was at a complete loss as to why she’d be showing up at my door in the middle of a storm. She wasn’t the cheating type and her being pregnant couldn’t be the reason since we hadn’t gone that far. Before I had a chance to guess any further, she blurted out that her mom had gotten a new job and they were moving to Minnesota "We leave at the end of the month," she cried with a fresh set of tears welling up in her eyes. At that moment I didn't know what to say. It was also at that moment I realized just how I felt about the trembling beauty sitting in front of me. The feeling I had for her was not like I’d had for other girls, and without a doubt I was in love. I couldn’t believe that just when I had that figured out, she picks up and leaves the state. Almost at once my heart began to hurt and I put my hand on her shoulder. Kissing her lips softly I said, "Savannah, I love you. We'll figure this out somehow." I didn't know what else to say. A few minutes later she seemed to come back to life as she kissed my neck. Inhaling the scent of her, fresh rain mixed with her rose-scented St. Ives shampoo, I closed my eyes and breathed deep as she put her lips against my neck and made her way up to my ear. My natural response was to shiver when she took my lobe into her mouth, biting lightly and whispering my name "Mmmm," was all I could say. Her touch often left me speechless "I want my first time to be with you," Savannah said, pressing up to me closer and putting her hands on my lower back. "I want to be with you … tonight." Being concerned as to why Savannah had traveled so far in the freezing rain and what she had to tell me, I hadn’t let myself think too much about her there in front of me with little else on besides her underwear and a towel. More than just a bit surprised at what she’d said, I pulled away and my initial response was a lame-ass “oh.” It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought of being with her a million times, it was just that I wanted it to be when the time was right and not like a last minute thought. Now that she was leaving, wouldn’t it be like having a one-night-stand? That last thought popped into my head and I quickly pushed it out. It couldn't be that way. Instead of asking a bunch of questions, I only wanted to know if she had thought about it and was sure. Not knowing or caring if it was the confirmation of her nod or the way she looked at me, I pulled her lips to mine and buried my fingers into her hair at the base of her neck, holding my hands firmly in place and kissing her as hard as I could. She met my kiss with such intensity that I thought I was going to explode right then and there, but luckily I was able get control of myself. Frantically her hands began pulling my shirt off as I wrestled with my belt buckle and the buttons on my jeans, pushing her back before pulling off my pants and socks as I went. Arching her back and pulling the smooth blankets down from the head of the bed, Savannah laid her head on my pillow as she reached out for me. Climbing in, I dragged the blankets over us and continued to kiss her frantically as I hovered over her and ran my hands along her body. Her skin heated up under my touch and soon we were melting into each other. Feeling my erection seemed to excite her even more as she ran her fingers through my hair and deepened the kiss even more. Careful not to put my full weight on her, I held myself up and over Savannah by my arms as she moved smoothly underneath me and easily unclasped her bra from between her breasts. The baby-blue lace bra gave way and I could feel the tips of her erect nipples rubbing against my chest with each breath she took. Taking my hand in hers, Savannah placed my fingers over the top of one of her breasts and began moving it circles. Feeling her excitement, I lowered myself over her body until she knew without a doubt that I was just as eager as she was. There were times before when she had gone down on me during a make-out session or when I'd done the same to her, but we’d never gone all the way. This time was going to be different and we both knew it. Kissing my way from Savannah’s lips, to her neck, and then down to her rounded breasts, I took the tip of her right breast in my mouth and playfully toyed with the nipple between my teeth. She let out a sigh and firmly placed her hands on the sides of my face, arching her back underneath of me and letting me know that she wanted me more than ever before. I took her other breast in hand and slowly roll her nipple between my thumb and forefinger. At that point she felt amazing and I felt drunk as I moved my hand from her breast and ran it slowly down the side of her body. Goosebumps formed on Savannah’s skin as I slid my fingers down the side of her panties in an effort to pull them off, and without hesitation she tightened her hands around mine and yanked at the thin fabric until her panties had fallen over and down below her hips. Helping her to shimmy out of them, I then removed her bra and tossed both items of clothing to the floor. As we continued to kiss, Savannah moved her hands down the front of my stomach and onto my waiting member. I moaned into her mouth as she ran her hand down the front either of my dick. After a few more seconds of stroking she moved her hands to my waist and hooked her thumbs on each side of my boxers to pull them down, eliciting a shiver of desire from me that produced a small spasm in my already rock-hard appendage. Anxiously I kicked my boxers off and took Savannah’s face in my hands. Our mouths molded together and the sound of my beating heart sounded loudly in my ears. I ran my left hand down below her stomach, through her pubic hair, and into the soft, warm folds between her legs. Sliding first one finger, then two inside of her, I felt just how much she wanted me by how wet she was. She moaned as I jiggled my fingers inside of her. Grabbing my shoulders and clamping her legs together against my hand, she slowly rode my carnal touch "Jensen, make love to me. I want to feel you inside of me … Now." With my head spinning and my gorgeous girlfriend naked in my bed, I was more than just at the point of taking her right then and there. The fact that neither one of us knew exactly what we were doing didn’t matter since this whole situation felt right, but the inner voice yelling at me to get some damn protection was too strong to ignore and I stopped kissing her and slowly pulled my fingers out of her. Placing my palm down on the pillow beside her head, I held myself slightly above her body and sighed "What is it, Jensen?” Her eyes were full of desire but she must have seen the hesitation in mine. “Don't worry, you're not pushing me," she tried to get across to me. “I want to, I really do.” Shaking my head, I dropped to my side while still holding her close. “No, it’s not that at all. I don’t have any condoms. I’m sorry.” Not looking worried at all, Savannah smiled and said, "It's OK, I'm on the pill. Remember?" "I hate to be the voice of reason here, but you know how ingrained it is that we need to use condoms, too? Hell, I can almost hear my parents telling me not to have sex." My logic was really killing the mood and I thought of my parents giving me the talk. Of course they never provided me with the essentials for safe sex, but they sure pushed their point. I could hear them telling me not to pick up any STDs, either. ‘Here son, be safe and don't get anyone pregnant. Oh yeah, don't get any STDs, either. If you do your favorite part of your body will shrivel up and fall off. If that happens you'll never know the pleasure of being with a woman again.’ I almost laughed out loud. Of course my parents never said that, but it was an errant thought "Jensen, I've been on the pill for almost a year now. It's very effective and I won't get pregnant. We're also both virgins so we won't give each other an STD. I want to be with you tonight," she reaffirmed. “You know I'm more than ready." Savannah boldly grabbed my hand and again placed it between her thighs to show me just how ready she was. She was wetter than I'd ever felt her before, and although the voice of reason was yelling at me again, feeling her excitement silenced the voice and I pulled her close to kiss her again with the intensity that I felt before. Meeting it gladly, Savannah pulled me to her and for the first time we connected. As I slowly pushed into her, I gasped at the feeling it gave me. Savannah moaned slightly. Fuck she was tight. I watched her face as I pushed my length carefully and slowly all the way inside of her. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her; Emery had warned me to be careful the first time with virgins because it usually hurt. Now his advice was sound, but at the time his words had me wondering just how many virgins he'd fucked around with. As I moved slowly inside of her and watched the expression on her face, it was if we were two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together. So much so that I felt a wave of over-excitement, and wanting our first time to last, I had to force myself to concentrate on something else. After all, I wanted this for us both and I didn't want to be known as a ‘minute man.’ Slowly and deliberately I continued moved, even though I could tell Savannah wanted more by the way she ran her hands down my back and dug her fingers into my ass. I knew I had messed up by not having condoms on me. Damn it! Moving together as one, I stopped for a second and asked Savannah if I was hurting her. She assured me that I wasn’t "We're so right, you know that?” she said. “You inside of me feels fucking amazing.” She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip. I was slightly shocked at her choice of words, but I chalked it up to being caught up in the moment. Besides, feeing the way I did and seeing Savannah’s face, I just about went over the edge when I heard how good I was making her feel. Clasping my hands with hers and slowly raising her arms above her head to get move leverage, I increased my movement and crushed my lips to hers. Both of us were breathing heavily and kissing as if we couldn't get enough of each other, and feeling a climax coming I knew I couldn't stop myself. Burying my head in her hair, I let myself come deeply inside of her with a low, deep groan. Rising up and taking in a long deep breath, I threw my head back and let it out, making sure not to hurt the beautiful girl lying just underneath me. With our breaths heavy and our skin hot and sweaty, I nuzzled her neck and heard her let out a sigh "Wow," she said, breaking the silence between us. "I love you." “I love you, too.” Still joined together as one, neither one of us made a move to break apart and instead looked into one another’s eyes. There was no need for either one of us to say or do anything. Closing my eyes I kissed her neck softly. There wasn’t much I knew about other people's first times, but I didn't think it could have gotten any better than ours. What she'd said was true, we were so right for each other. Having sex at least two more times that night before she had to go home, I hadn’t realized that Savannah would soon be saying goodbye for good. She broke up with me the next day. I thought we’d spend that day exploring each other, but instead she let me know that she thought it was best if we ended our relationship with the memory of being each other’s firsts. She also said that not being a couple any longer would make easier when it came time for her to leave. Of course I couldn't understand that at all and tried to convince her that we could make a long distance relationship work. Savannah only gave me more bullshit about leaving things behind us with a good memory. I tried not to be angry and said little. Knowing that our relationship was strained and that something was up, our friends kept from asking too many questions and put it all together when the girl I loved announced to them that she was leaving. Gabe and Tyler jokingly asked what I was going to do now that Savannah was moving away, but I never said anything to them about us breaking up. I guess I was holding on to the hope that she’d change her mind and give us a chance. I held on to that hope all the way up to the day I saw Savannah and her family off at the ferry dock to board a boat leaving to Seattle. Giving me a quick kiss and a short hug for appearances, she only smiled when I told her I loved her. We promised to write and call each other, but in reality we only kept it up for a short period of time. My new relationship with Alyna saw to that since she wasn’t a fan of me keeping in contact with my former girlfriend. The two of us had started going out about two months after Savannah left. Before her, I’d had a short fling with a senior who made it a little easier to forget the girl who broke my heart. After two unanswered letters, Savannah stopped writing all together. I didn't think we’d ever be in contact again and had pretty much forgotten her until the day I was at lunch with Mia. I now wished that that we’d gone somewhere else to eat

Ending the memory, I thought about how hearing the news that Solveigh was mine was the most earth-shattering news a person could ever get at my age. In my craziest dreams I never imagined being a father, especially at my age, and now that I was I knew my life was not going to go as planned. I thought about the time and wondered why Savannah didn’t write or call to tell me she was pregnant. Why didn’t I insist on having a condom? Why did we trust only a birth control pill? Shit, I could have easily run down to Emery's room to get one from his dresser. Why didn’t I? God knows he fucked around a lot. What the hell is my family going to think? And what about Mia? What’s she going to do? Did she already have an idea about Solveigh? I continued to curse myself internally for another ten minutes and then I finally got up from the pool to go inside the guesthouse where Mia was sleeping. I tried not to wake her when I kissed her cheek lightly, but I did and she said something about breaking the rules. I wished breaking the rules was the only thing I had to worry about. Having no idea how Mia was going to react to what I had to say, I made sure to tell her that I loved her before continuing on with the dreaded news

I stayed with Mia until about two in the morning after she’d been asleep for some time. Carefully, so I didn't disturb her, I got up and reluctantly left the guesthouse, closing the door so I wouldn’t wake her or my sisters, who were asleep in the bedroom they were sharing. My better judgement told me I needed to stay and break the rules, but the other part of me needed to talk to Karl if he was awake. I had become pretty damn good at sneaking into the house and I wondered if my parents even knew I was gone. Grandpa Jon knew since I had asked to borrow the car, but I wondered if he or anyone else was aware of the actual time I'd come home. Karl was sound asleep when I slid into the room I was sharing with him. He usually slept through everything, including the smoke alarm going off at my house when Alicia had burned breakfast the next morning after some guy’s night we’d had during my sophomore year of high school. Knowing that, I haphazardly pulled my shoes and socks off before unbuttoning my shirt and kicking my khakis off without trying to be quiet. Being worn out and not really giving a shit, I decided to forgo my regular Stanford garb and headed to bed. Karl wouldn't care if I slept in my goddamn underwear. My eyes hadn't yet adjusted to the darkness accented by a bit of pool light pushing its way into the window blinds, and walking blindly to the bed I stubbed my toe on something and fell forward, hitting the edge of my bed "Son of a bitch!" I harshly cried out, grabbing my foot and rubbing it. "Fuck, that hurt!" I didn’t even care that Karl was sleeping

26. Crushed With a Side of Mistake. Numb. That's exactly how I would describe how I felt. My life had become completely screwed up in twenty-four hours and detachment was the result. First, Savannah showed up and then Mia took off. After watching Mia disappear down the jetway I didn’t know what to do first. Pocketing the ring, I left the airport and headed out to where the Jeep was, started it up and peeled out of the parking space, narrowly missing a car on my left when I turned the wheel a little too quickly. After hitting the freeway I punched the button to turn on the radio. Immediately the song radiating through the speakers summed it up with Chris Isaac's voice belting out how I felt. Yes, this all had to be a Wicked Game. When I arrived home everyone was awake and eating breakfast outside by the pool. Alicia was helping herself to more food when I walked into the kitchen. The keys to the Jeep landed with a metallic clang when I tossed them on the counter "Where have you been?” Alicia asked as she looked over her shoulder. “Did you guys go to breakfast or something? Where's Mia?" My sister regarded me carefully when I remained silent "I just got back from the airport," I said quietly, thinking that’s all I’d have to say for her to get why Mia wasn’t with me. I picked up a piece of bacon and studied it "What do you mean?" Alicia was acting really dense, which irritated me "Didn't you see that the couch was all made up this morning? Didn’t you see that her suitcase was gone?" I snapped. Alicia recoiled at my instant anger "Shit, sorry. I was half asleep when I got up. Jess didn't say anything, either. We—I just assumed you two had gone somewhere to be alone." I narrowed my eyes at her. Alicia wasn’t that obtuse. She must have known all along that Mia was gone. I glared at her and she sighed. “I’m sorry, Jensen. Mia told me last night about Savannah and her kid. With Em. And for full disclosure, Mad knows, too. She won't say anything, though." "And Karl. Fuck, this is getting out of hand," I groaned as I ran my left hand though my hair roughly. I tossed the piece of bacon I had in my right hand back down on the plate. Alicia watched it land "What are you going to do?" she whispered. That was the question of the hour and I wished I knew how to answer it. Shrugging, I walked away from her and down the hall. "If anyone asks, I'm sick and in bed," I called over my shoulder. Going into the bedroom, I walked over and shut the blinds that Karl had obviously opened. Not seeing him or Jess out on the patio, I surmised that they must have gone out somewhere, and I was more than glad that he wasn’t there. My best friend with all his questions was the last person I wanted to deal with. Falling into bed, I clasped my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. God, I was exhausted all of a sudden. I shut my eyes and surprisingly sleep came easily

"You were lucky to get an earlier flight, but it sucks that you're leaving early," Alicia said as she sat next to me while I silently played Mortal Kombat on the Super Nintendo with Karl. The somber mood of the game matched that of those in the room and talk was minimal. Usually when we played it was a loud affair. It had been two days since Mia left and I made the decision to go back to school early. I couldn't stay where so much reminded me of her and what started all this mess—our encounter with Savannah "Jensen can't stay here, Leesh," Karl said, glancing over at my sister and then at me. “He’s got to get away to where he can think straight.” "Yeah, but it still sucks.” Alicia slid down onto the floor and crossed her legs. “I called her, you know.” Her eyes met mine and I missed my shot in the game "What? When?” I paused the game. At first I was shocked and then I was all ears, anxious to hear anything I could about my estranged fiancée “I called her the day she left but she hasn't bothered to call me back," Alicia added, giving me an almost sympathetic look. “I’m sorry that Mia’s gone, Jensen, but you're not the only one she left. She's my best friend and she just up and left without us talking about what was going on." Shaking my head, I took the game off of pause and proceeded to play, although not too well. I was pissed. Mia wanted space and my sister just had to call her right away. What was she thinking? Then I had to ask myself if the person I was really pissed at was me. I mean, Alicia went ahead and did what I should have. A simple call would have let her know that I cared and was still thinking about her, that I hadn’t given up on us. Shit, maybe I should jump on the first plane to Alaska to see her. Alicia wanted to know what was wrong with her calling Mia. "You haven't," she distinctly pointed out like a stinging slap in the face "She doesn't want me to," I shot back through clenched teeth. Not wanting to talk about, I tried to focus again on my video game. I hoped the subject would come to a halt. Karl executed my game character with a brutal move known as a Fatality, which completely blew it for me. I tossed the controller down in frustration. Lately, frustration was the theme of my days; frustration over Mia, Savannah, Solveigh, and frustration over the conversation. Having had enough, I stood up. Alicia looked up at me, almost like she thought I was going to do her bodily harm and Karl rolled the cord around his game controller and put it away by where the television stood. Looking at his watch, he reminded me that it was about time to go to the airport. Not making any comments, I walked past them both and into the room I shared with Karl, grabbing my suitcase and taking it out to the living room where my mom was reading a magazine "Oh, you're leaving now?" Mom asked. "It's time already?" She got up and came over to give me a hug. "I wish you'd let us take you to the airport." "Karl and Jess can take me; it's no big deal. You don't need to waste time seeing me off," I said, forcing a smile "Don't worry, honey,” she said quietly, “she'll come around." Earlier I had told Mom that Mia and I had a fight that had to do with us running into Savannah at the restaurant. Of course I changed the story and told them that we flirted around a bit with each other and that’s what made Mia upset. Mom gave me a hug and a bit of motherly advice about being with one girl and giving another too much attention, and as far as I was concerned that was just fine that she thought it was something completely different that had caused the fight. It was better that she didn’t know the truth. Mom let me go and I hugged my dad and then my grandparents. Alicia and Madison were next. Emery was last and he held the hug a little longer so he could whisper that he wanted me to call him in a few days to tell him my plans. He knew I’d be calling Savannah once I got back to my dorm to set up a time to do a DNA test. Jess drove the Jeep to the airport and I sat in the passenger side. Karl had taken the backseat behind Jess and was casually massaging her shoulders as we drove down the freeway. Traffic was rather light and I didn’t worry about not getting to the airport in time "Have you called her?" Jess asked and I felt my jaw tighten. She looked over briefly at me before turning her eyes back to the road "No," I confessed, turning and looking out the window at the passing landscape. Cactus and red rocks were all I noticed. I expected Jess to continue to probe, but Karl must have given her some indication not to push because surprisingly she didn't "What are you going to do when you get back?” my sister wanted to know. “I'm sure there'll be a massive dorm party for New Year's. Come to think of it, I'll bet anyone still around the dorms tends to party the entire Christmas break." Turning to look at Jess, who had a sly little smile on her lips, I couldn’t get over how she often had the most inappropriate way of changing the subject. I contemplated answering my sister, but decided to just let it go until, like usual, Jess opened her unceasing mouth and said something about partying being my favorite pastime "Pastime being the key word," I muttered, annoyed and shaking my head. I turned and stared out the window hoping my sister would get the hint that I wasn’t in the mood for conversation. Silently, I thanked my grandparents for living so close to the airport so I didn't have to endure much more from my sister and best friend. To my pleasure, neither Jess nor Karl seemed to notice my withdrawal and continued talking all the way to Phoenix International

The plane was rather empty when I took my seat in the very back and I considered myself to be lucky. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, and instead plugged my headphones into my CD player so I could get lost in Alice in Chains before anyone had a chance to speak to me. On random play, it was fitting that Would played first because it was just how I felt. The song played on and I thought of Mia taking off her ring at the airport and giving it back to me. That morning, I had pulled it from the pair of jeans I’d been wearing that day when I saw her off so I could put it into the pocket of my jeans I was wearing to the airport. The ring was now like a symbol burning a hole in the small fifth pocket of my Lucky brand jeans that Erik had talked me into buying. Lucky. Now that was goddamn ironic, wasn't it? I sighed heavily and hit skip to get to the next song. Down in a Hole seemed even more appropriate considering the circumstance I was in. Shutting my eyes, I leaned my head back and waited for take-off. The roar of the engine and the rumbling of the plane was the last thing I remembered until a disembodied voice woke me and said something that I didn’t quite catch. Opening my eyes and pulling the now silent earbuds from my ears, I looked around to take a cue from flight attendants and other passengers who were gathering up trash, making sure compartments were shut tight, and the tray tables and seats were in the correct and upright position for landing. Just before the plane was to touch down, I wrapped the uncomfortable earbuds around the CD player and deposited the whole thing into my carry-on along with the small CD case that had ten of my most favorite CDs. I then tucked my bag under the seat in front of me and waited for the wheels to touch the ground

The Stanford dorm was nearly empty when a cab from the airport dropped me off. A few stragglers wandered the grounds, but most everyone else seemed to still be away. Silently I hoped Fallon was one of those people, and when the elevator doors opened with no one behind them I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding and hit the button to my floor. Passing only one other person on the way to my room, I pulled out my keys, unlocked the door, and stepped inside to where it was dark. No Erik. He had planned on staying with his nearby family during Christmas vacation, but the light that flooded the room instantly told me that he was definitely around. My eyes landed on a box of day-old looking pizza slices that sat out opened on a chair and there was a sweet smell of pot still hanging in the air. Out of habit, I immediately picked the ashtray up and dumped it into the wastebasket, adding the pieces of pizza on top to hide the evidence "Damnit, Erik, I don't want to get caught by your stupidity," I grumbled under my breath, although a hit of marijuana to calm my shot nerves did sound good. Noticing a rolled-up joint on Erik’s bed, I grabbed it and stuck it in my mouth. Searching around for a lighter, I finally found one on top of Erik’s side table and lying back on my bed, I lit the joint and took a deep breath in. After finishing it a few minutes later and feeling sort of relaxed, I ground the remnants into the ashtray and then tossed it into the garbage bag. I closed up the bag and made a mental note to tell Erik to take it out to the dumpster when he returned. Emptying my suitcase onto the bed, I suddenly wished I had taken my grandma’s offer to do a load or two of laundry before I left, even though at that time I wasn’t in the best frame of mind to take advantage of anything. A large pile of dirty clothes instantly formed and took up most of my bed before I tossed them into a basket of their own. My empty suitcase went to the back of the closet since I wasn’t likely to be needing it any time soon. Any idea I had about visiting Mia was long gone. Mia

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Special thanks to my husband, Bryan, for allowing me to take this leap and do what I truly love. Thank you to my beautiful and talented daughter, Nyah, for your impeccable ability to find mistakes and for giving me honest feedback and constructive criticism—I know I can always count on you to tell me like it is. Thanks to my editor, Toni, for your patience and all of the sound advice and recommendations—these stories would not be what they are without you! Last, but certainly not least, thanks to all of my friends and family members who continue to support me in this venture.

Jensen and I were pulled out of our conversation by an energetic girl with beautiful hair that was a rich, deep auburn. Although in a ponytail, the girl’s tresses fell in big, lazy curls down to the middle of her back while a few stray hairs fell about her face. Watching as the girl bounced in our direction, I looked over at Jensen for a reaction.

.....

"Speaking of springing the news … did you tell your mom?"

"No way! We haven't talked since the whole emancipation. I'm hoping she'll just hear it through the grapevine."

.....