Stories I'd Tell My Children (But Maybe Not Until They're Adults)

Stories I'd Tell My Children (But Maybe Not Until They're Adults)
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Описание книги

Stories I&#39;d Tell My Children (but maybe not until they&#39;re adults) is mostly hysterically funny, sometimes poignant and profound, often bawdy and always delightful.<br><br>The book includes more than 100 stories that span 55 years: pre-school, in school, and after the author had enough school. There&#39;s lots of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Even the sex and drug stories are funny.<br><br>Some stories were written as revenge against bad teachers, evil bosses and crazy clients. There are stories about weird relatives, weird food, women the author considered marrying, and the woman he did marry. You&#39;ll even learn what his wife had to do in bed to defeat the competition.<br><br>Although Michael N. Marcus is a first-year baby-boomer who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, &quot;This book provides a hilarious look at life for people of all ages who want to roll on the floor, laughing until the tears come.&quot; Another reviewer said, &quot;This book is so funny that I nearly peed in my pants. My girlfriend didn&#39;t think it was funny, so I got a new girlfriend.&quot;<br><br>In addition to laughter, the book provides an education. One chapter helps women understand the male fascination with farts and breasts. Another explains how Betty Friedan and Anthony Quinn made 1965 much sexier than 1964.<br><br>Other chapters explain the difference between New York and Connecticut mommies, the connection between Sigmund Freud and Groucho Marx, how baseball can be child abuse, how oral sex can be dangerous, what boys don&#39;t know about jockstraps and childbirth, the meaning of &quot;In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,&quot; the disgusting secret ingredients in the world&#39;s greatest coleslaw, how a free dog can cost $100,000, and how the author conducted a test to determine if he attracted crazy women or drove women crazy.<br><br>There are four murders in the book, two failed attempts at maiming, one near-electrocution, one paranormal experience, one story about the loss of virginity with an older woman, one story about sex with a 15-year-old girl (who seemed much older), one story about contemplating sex with another 15-year-old girl, two three-in-a-bed scenes, two episodes of paranoid delusion, one offer of sex from a woman who had escaped from a mental hospital, and three frustrating encounters between a horny heterosexual male and lesbians. These stories are all funny, and guaranteed to be at least 80% true.

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Michael N Marcus. Stories I'd Tell My Children (But Maybe Not Until They're Adults)

Foreplay, to get you in the mood:

Introduction

Thanks

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1. Runaway

Chapter 2. Love can kill

Chapter 3. The attack of the killer sunfish

Chapter 4. Cat Woman

Chapter 5. Drugging Miss Daisy

Chapter 6. Freedom for the Phantom Schmuck

Chapter 7. What’s a nice word for “fart?”

Chapter 8. You can’t always get what you want, or what the doctor ordered

Chapter 9. Of course cops and teachers lie. They’re human

Chapter 10. An unauthorized elevator operator

Chapter 11. Health can be unhealthy

Chapter 12. Medical care makes me sick

Chapter 13. Pee in your pants and beat the crap out of your friends

Chapter 14. My one cool teacher

Chapter 15. The last girl on Earth

Chapter 16. Not the phonophonopheneloscope

Chapter 17. Irreparable typing, irremediable reading, and an offer I couldn’t refuse

Chapter 18. Grandma, the lesbian painter, and arroz con caca

Chapter 19. The food chapter: stalactite spaghetti, sink spaghetti, barbecued spaghetti, cat lasagna, too-famous lasagna, fried dicks

Chapter 20. Do you really want to know what goes into the world’s greatest coleslaw?

Chapter 21. French, fried

Chapter 22. Spooky story

Chapter 23. The weirdest experience of my life

Chapter 24. Electrocution experimentation

Chapter 25. Fearing Mother Nature, gender equality, and seeing the beauty in pup poop

Chapter 26. Clams and Klingons

Chapter 27. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 1)

Chapter 28. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 2)

Chapter 29. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 3)

Chapter 30. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 4)

Chapter 31. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 5)

Chapter 32. My career as a beard and a profit center

Chapter 33. How a radio station lost business from the gay matzo maker

Chapter 34. What the blind man could see

Chapter 35. Spiderman meets Paul Newman

Chapter 36. Marcia, Bob the giant penguin and Harry’s exploding belly

Chapter 37. The right connections

Chapter 38. Getting into Yale, early and unofficially

Chapter 39. Short Stuff

Chapter 40. Mein Doppelgänger

Chapter 41. My parents’ other kids

Chapter 42. Crawdads in Manhattan

Chapter 43. Oral sex can be unhealthy

Chapter 44. Who’s listening to you?

Chapter 45. Objects seen in the rearview mirror may not be what you think

Chapter 46. I swear it’s true, but if I saw it in a movie, I’d yell, “BULLSHIT!”

Chapter 47. A platinum card is as good as Medicaid

Chapter 48. Unplanned chick magnetism, how rich people eat, a confession, an overdue apology, and an amazing coincidence

Chapter 49. Not Strictly Kosher

Chapter 50. Yakkity Yak, Don’t Talk Back

Chapter 51. What I learned in college

Chapter 52. Where are all the fat mommies?

Chapter 53. Wow! I’m an assistant editor. Oh shit! The editor is a back-stabbing thief

Chapter 54. First job, last drunk

Chapter 55. OK, so maybe baseball isn’t child abuse

Chapter 56. Fired, hired, fired, hired, fired

Chapter 57. Three in a bed (sort of) The “why I married your aunt” chapter

Chapter 58. Three in a bed (for real)

Chapter 59. On second thought, maybe we will hire you—if you’ll cut off your penis

Chapter 60. What’s more important—your brain or your teeth?

Chapter 61. Even Connecticut has hillbillies

Chapter 62. And so does Pennsylvania, but why is this town named after the capital of Libya?

Chapter 63. Lemme outa here!

Chapter 64. Boys are dumb

Chapter 65. A tale of two sisters

Chapter 66. Sex in the sixties: my first dry hump

Chapter 67. Farts and breasts

Chapter 68. They don’t need a telephone man; they need a psychiatrist

Chapter 69. For the birds

Chapter 70. The lawyer was a liar

Chapter 71. I lost the trial but won the case

Chapter 72. I skipped the trial but won the case

Chapter 73. But when is the trial?

Chapter 74. Verdict for the amateur professional, or maybe the professional amateur

Chapter 75. How can a free dog cost $100,000?

Chapter 76. The beep line

Chapter 77. But how does a quadriplegic dial the operator?

Chapter 78. Parental issues

Chapter 79. My 200-minute battle with Bill Gates

Chapter 80. Diary of a couch

Chapter 81. Low-tech and no tech

Chapter 82. A little bit about the family, my classic first name, my weirdo middle name and my classic and useful last name

Chapter 83. This beard’s for you

Chapter 84. It didn’t matter to anyone but him

Chapter 85. The return of Daddy Demon

Epilogue. What was and what if?

Personal messages:

My literary gods

Honor Roll: I had a few very good teachers

About the author

Text for my gravestone:

Colophon

Photo & illustration credits

Отрывок из книги

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”

–Ella Wheeler Wilcox (author and poet)

.....

Readers can simply choose any chapters that sound interesting. The many short chapters make this book good for reading on planes or while waiting for one. It’s also good for reading during TV commercials or while sitting on the toilet.

I hope it won’t be used as toilet paper.

.....

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