Stories I'd Tell My Children (But Maybe Not Until They're Adults)
Реклама. ООО «ЛитРес», ИНН: 7719571260.
Оглавление
Michael N Marcus. Stories I'd Tell My Children (But Maybe Not Until They're Adults)
Foreplay, to get you in the mood:
Introduction
Thanks
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Chapter 1. Runaway
Chapter 2. Love can kill
Chapter 3. The attack of the killer sunfish
Chapter 4. Cat Woman
Chapter 5. Drugging Miss Daisy
Chapter 6. Freedom for the Phantom Schmuck
Chapter 7. What’s a nice word for “fart?”
Chapter 8. You can’t always get what you want, or what the doctor ordered
Chapter 9. Of course cops and teachers lie. They’re human
Chapter 10. An unauthorized elevator operator
Chapter 11. Health can be unhealthy
Chapter 12. Medical care makes me sick
Chapter 13. Pee in your pants and beat the crap out of your friends
Chapter 14. My one cool teacher
Chapter 15. The last girl on Earth
Chapter 16. Not the phonophonopheneloscope
Chapter 17. Irreparable typing, irremediable reading, and an offer I couldn’t refuse
Chapter 18. Grandma, the lesbian painter, and arroz con caca
Chapter 19. The food chapter: stalactite spaghetti, sink spaghetti, barbecued spaghetti, cat lasagna, too-famous lasagna, fried dicks
Chapter 20. Do you really want to know what goes into the world’s greatest coleslaw?
Chapter 21. French, fried
Chapter 22. Spooky story
Chapter 23. The weirdest experience of my life
Chapter 24. Electrocution experimentation
Chapter 25. Fearing Mother Nature, gender equality, and seeing the beauty in pup poop
Chapter 26. Clams and Klingons
Chapter 27. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 1)
Chapter 28. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 2)
Chapter 29. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 3)
Chapter 30. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 4)
Chapter 31. Silent Night: a story about sex, drugs, rock & roll, steel, food and murder (section 5)
Chapter 32. My career as a beard and a profit center
Chapter 33. How a radio station lost business from the gay matzo maker
Chapter 34. What the blind man could see
Chapter 35. Spiderman meets Paul Newman
Chapter 36. Marcia, Bob the giant penguin and Harry’s exploding belly
Chapter 37. The right connections
Chapter 38. Getting into Yale, early and unofficially
Chapter 39. Short Stuff
Chapter 40. Mein Doppelgänger
Chapter 41. My parents’ other kids
Chapter 42. Crawdads in Manhattan
Chapter 43. Oral sex can be unhealthy
Chapter 44. Who’s listening to you?
Chapter 45. Objects seen in the rearview mirror may not be what you think
Chapter 46. I swear it’s true, but if I saw it in a movie, I’d yell, “BULLSHIT!”
Chapter 47. A platinum card is as good as Medicaid
Chapter 48. Unplanned chick magnetism, how rich people eat, a confession, an overdue apology, and an amazing coincidence
Chapter 49. Not Strictly Kosher
Chapter 50. Yakkity Yak, Don’t Talk Back
Chapter 51. What I learned in college
Chapter 52. Where are all the fat mommies?
Chapter 53. Wow! I’m an assistant editor. Oh shit! The editor is a back-stabbing thief
Chapter 54. First job, last drunk
Chapter 55. OK, so maybe baseball isn’t child abuse
Chapter 56. Fired, hired, fired, hired, fired
Chapter 57. Three in a bed (sort of) The “why I married your aunt” chapter
Chapter 58. Three in a bed (for real)
Chapter 59. On second thought, maybe we will hire you—if you’ll cut off your penis
Chapter 60. What’s more important—your brain or your teeth?
Chapter 61. Even Connecticut has hillbillies
Chapter 62. And so does Pennsylvania, but why is this town named after the capital of Libya?
Chapter 63. Lemme outa here!
Chapter 64. Boys are dumb
Chapter 65. A tale of two sisters
Chapter 66. Sex in the sixties: my first dry hump
Chapter 67. Farts and breasts
Chapter 68. They don’t need a telephone man; they need a psychiatrist
Chapter 69. For the birds
Chapter 70. The lawyer was a liar
Chapter 71. I lost the trial but won the case
Chapter 72. I skipped the trial but won the case
Chapter 73. But when is the trial?
Chapter 74. Verdict for the amateur professional, or maybe the professional amateur
Chapter 75. How can a free dog cost $100,000?
Chapter 76. The beep line
Chapter 77. But how does a quadriplegic dial the operator?
Chapter 78. Parental issues
Chapter 79. My 200-minute battle with Bill Gates
Chapter 80. Diary of a couch
Chapter 81. Low-tech and no tech
Chapter 82. A little bit about the family, my classic first name, my weirdo middle name and my classic and useful last name
Chapter 83. This beard’s for you
Chapter 84. It didn’t matter to anyone but him
Chapter 85. The return of Daddy Demon
Epilogue. What was and what if?
Personal messages:
My literary gods
Honor Roll: I had a few very good teachers
About the author
Text for my gravestone:
Colophon
Photo & illustration credits
Отрывок из книги
“Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone.”
–Ella Wheeler Wilcox (author and poet)
.....
Readers can simply choose any chapters that sound interesting. The many short chapters make this book good for reading on planes or while waiting for one. It’s also good for reading during TV commercials or while sitting on the toilet.
I hope it won’t be used as toilet paper.
.....