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Michael N Marcus. Do As I Say, Not As I Did
ISBN: 978-0-9816617-6-6 (paperback) ISBN: 978-0-9816617-8-0 (ebook) Library of Congress Control Number: 2014912643. Version 8.51. Unless otherwise noted, contents of this book are © Copyright 2009-2015, Michael N. Marcus. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to quote brief sections in reviews or articles
For Marilyn, Marshall, Meryl, Mom, Dad, Hunter, Sniffer
Introduction
My interest in time travel has often been extremely personal. I fantasize about talking to myself—not dead presidents or future interplanetary voyagers
The Best Advice I Can Give You
Some Advice from Others
•“If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.” •“If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.” •If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married •“Never complain. Never explain.” •“Enemies are so stimulating.” •“Why slap them on the wrist with a feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer?” Mark Twain:
My Worst Mistakes
•In retrospect I probably should not have used personal money and credit lines to finance my telecommunications business—but most owners of small businesses do just that
Some people say I should have just shut down the business—but it’s hard to abandon a business that provided a nice life for over 30 years, and still had inventory, customers, employees, websites and a good reputation
Money
Many years ago my “Grandma Del”—who endured the Great Depression—taught me something that I didn’t appreciate until I was collecting Social Security
One time I hosted about a dozen people for a meal at a restaurant. The check seemed a bit higher than I expected, but I paid it and gave a nice tip. The next morning I looked over the check and found out that the restaurant automatically added an “18% gratuity for parties of six or more.” I could not ask for the waiter to give me back the extra tip
It seems that every week or two there’s another company that promises to provide the absolute lowest prices for airfares, car rentals and hotel rooms
When I was considering renting an apartment in a new building, the rental agent told me that the price of an apartment went up $6 for each floor above ground. A tenant told me that she was told her price would be the same for any floor. I got the agent to waive the fee
If you are buying a house in a private community or renting a home, leisurely and carefully study all the documents before making the deal. You may find that there are conditions—such as a prohibition against a home-based business or parking a motor home in your driveway—that you can’t accept
We have an expensive, custom-made cover on our in-ground pool. Hunter, our dog, often walks on it and naps on it
I asked about the elephant and was snottily told that elephants don’t have toenails like dogs do and that if my dog was going to go on the pool cover he should wear soft booties. Sure
Some years ago my house was burglarized, and among the purloined property was a tool box filled with my nice Craftsman tools. Our home was insured by Allstate. Allstate, like Craftsman, was part of Sears at that time
One time I was surprisingly turned down for a credit card and I got a copy of my credit report to find out why I was rejected
When I lived in Westchester County, New York I got TV service from Cablevision. I had 14 TV sets. Eight of them were connected to cable boxes which had monthly fees, and six of them were connected directly to the cable, and were not charged for
AT&T once sent me a nine-cent refund check. The cost to process and send the check was probably a couple of bucks. I had not canceled service and the nine cents could have been credited to my next bill. I kept the check as a souvenir
When I canceled my Sprint cellphone service the company owed my about $12. I requested a refund several times over several months but it never arrived. One rep even promised to pay me with a personal check just to make me go away. His money never arrived
(Not about money, but about a bank, so it goes in this section.) When I lived in the Bronx I had checking and savings accounts at a nearby branch of Citibank
Many restaurants and stores have weekly or daily “specials” that are items that the business chooses to promote—but they are not less expensive than the regular price
You can sometimes get a better deal, or a discount for paying cash, not just at retail stores (small and large) but even for landscaping, plumbing, moving, dentistry and surgery
If you pay cash, you may pay too much. You can even use your credit card at Dunkin’ Donuts and the Post Office and earn reward points for trips and toys, or a rebate, depending on the card
When you’re in your teens, twenties, thirties and forties, it’s easy to justify spending one, ten, twenty or a hundred dollars on brief experiences or exciting things
In the USA, Individual Retirement Accounts allow tax-deductible investing for future financial security. IRA “contributions” may be made until the due date for filing your return, not including extensions, which is usually April 15th
However, if you need to buy food it’s much easier to liquidate an IRA than to sell a piece of a house
Many companies offer various shipping options ranging from “early tomorrow morning” to “we’re not sure when it will get there,” at different prices for people with different priorities
•When you don’t need money, banks love to loan you money. When do you need money, they act deaf, blind and stupid •If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth the $20 •No two families with the same incomes and same fixed expenses will spend their money the same way
•Supermarkets often promote items with prices like “Two for $5” or “Ten for $10.” That implies a quantity discount but you can usually get the same unit price if you buy just one box of crackers or bottle of soda
•If you lend more than a hundred bucks to someone—including a relative—put the deal in writing, with signatures and dates, ideally with a witness •If you file your tax return late, you may have to pay a big penalty—even if the government owes you money •If you owe money to the IRS, talk to them, don’t hide or run away. You can probably make a deal to pay off a tax debt with surprisingly low interest without paying for the services of an “expert.” •Most of the people I’ve dealt with at IRS are friendly, understanding, compassionate and even logical •Every year or so use a video camera to make a movie of your home. Open closets and drawers, recording everything, and store the recording outside your home. It could be critical if you have to prove that you actually possessed something that was stolen or destroyed
•The worst room in a good hotel is probably better than the best room in a bad hotel
•When specifying loan or mortgage payments, make them a bit lower than what you think are comfortable. You may have trouble making payments in the future but if the scheduled payments are low, you are unlikely to default. If you find that you have more money than expected, you can pay more than planned and pay off the loan early
•If you find surprisingly good deals on something you want to buy—particularly a camera or electronic product—check to see if the bargains are “gray goods” or “parallel imports.” These are products not intended for the country in which they are being sold. They often lack the manufacturer’s warranty, may have different features from the models intended for use in your country, may not comply with government regulations and may not be compatible with other items (including accessories and software) you want to use with them
This not a book about insurance but I will give a few tips:
Companies keep building casinos because most gamblers lose money. If a friend tells you that she just won $3,000 at a casino she probably won’t tell you that she lost $20,000 in the previous few months
Love & Relationships
New Haven’s Hillhouse High School was about half black and half white in the early 1960s, with a tiny percentage of “other.”
•It’s good to divide up household chores but you can win extra points by doing some work not on your own list
Parenting
What’s the point of teaching a new human being bad speech habits that will have to be unlearned later? “Me go bye-bye” may be acceptable Pidgin English, but won’t help a kid get into Yale
When I was a kid I asked my father why people didn’t fall down when riding a bicycle without training wheels. Pop told me that the riders were going so fast that they just didn’t have enough time to fall down. I thought about that for a few seconds and when I remembered that slow cyclists didn’t fall down I knew that Pop was conning me
When he was about two years old, my mother bought my brother Marshall a pair of red shoes that he hated. He really wanted blue shoes, but they were unavailable in his size
Some people inherit royal crowns. Some inherit billions. Others inherit Tay-Sachs disease, muscular dystrophy or fructose intolerance
Years ago my brother did something that really upset our mother. She got so enraged that she kicked him in the ass—and broke three toes
When I went home from college to visit my parents, I frequently got really bad migraine headaches
My mother often bragged about the diverse foods she ate and she apparently thrived on weird stuff like kale, okra and Brussels sprouts
I had expensive hobbies when I was young. I financed my SCUBA diving equipment by diving for lost golf balls in the ponds at country clubs. I paid for my cameras by developing film for neighbors. I had an allowance but started earning additional money when I was ten and knew that my allowance would stop when I became old enough to have a job on my 16th birthday
I spent my first six years in the Bronx. From the time I was three I was allowed to walk alone to a nearby grocery store to shop for my mother. I never had trouble—but that’s probably dangerous now
Encourage mildly risky behavior like camping, surfing, climbing trees, skiing, SCUBA diving and doing tricks on bicycles
I knew a single father who worked for the state government and scheduled his vacations years in advance. Because of his seniority and accumulated “leave” time he often got two or even three consecutive weeks off
If a child does something well, don’t just brag about her or him; tell her or him how proud you are
Some parents try to get their kids improperly labeled as immature so they’ll start school a year late, and will be older than—and perhaps have an advantage over—classmates of the proper age
Stamp collecting teaches history, math, geography and graphic design and might even make money for the collector
Be funny. When I was a kid my father taught me to sing The Sheik of Araby inserting “with no pants on” after each phrase
Names. Unless you are in show business or politics, or have a good reason to expect that your child will be, don’t give the kid a bizarre name like Moon Unit, Dweezil, Mattress, 66X or Strawberry
When I was younger, I’d never admit the following: my middle name is NEUMAN
Lesson: Just because you want a name pronounced in a specific way, you can’t command the rest of the world to comply. My mother’s sister is Fanchon. That’s a fancy French name but to the family she has always been “Fan.” In a first meeting, people often assume she is “Fran” and for a long time she corrected them. In her 50s she decided it was easier to introduce herself as “Fran” and later reveal her real name if the relationship continued. It would have been simpler if she was Sally
Business
My main business is AbleComm.com, which concentrates on selling telephone systems. Most of our customers are technically sophisticated, affluent and like to save money
Much earlier, in around 1972 I was considering quitting my job as a highly paid, award-winning advertising copywriter to try something else. I asked my father what he thought. He said that he didn’t know if my new venture would succeed but he did know that if I didn’t try it, for the rest of my life I’d wonder what could have happened
Some of what you assume to be junk mail may not be. Maybe there’s an order from a customer, maybe there’s a complaint you should respond to, maybe there’s a government notice you should respond to, maybe there’s a disconnect notice from a utility, maybe there’s a check
(above) I’ve done business with Systemax and Systimax plus both Siemon and Siemens
Before you embark on an extensive, expensive promotional effort be sure that your product is first-rate, available in adequate quantities and that your company is able to support it properly
If something isn’t selling, cut the price and get rid of it quickly
Wholesale prices may be volatile. Keep aware of changes and adjust your retail prices accordingly
It can be complicated to arrive at a price for a business when either selling or buying. Consultants, brokers, attorneys, accountants, friends and family may offer opinions
There are lots of different kinds of designers. They should all have basic knowledge about color, contrast, harmony, proportion and balance. But don’t expect that even an award-winning interior designer will do a good job on a logo, website, book cover or store sign
(above) Some people who have the title of designer, architect or art director turn out major failures—like the Pontiac Aztek. A poll published by England’s Daily Telegraph put the Aztek at the top of the list of the ugliest cars of all time. I think the AMC Pacer could be number two
The next lessons are from my father. He advised business owners to hire people who had previously owned successful businesses
For a small business, Stamps.com can be an excellent mailing alternative to Pitney-Bowes. You start with free postage, a free scale, free supplies and there is no meter rental
•“You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table. There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”(Kenny Rogers)
•Join professional organizations, both local and online
•Nothing affects the sales done in a store on a particular day more than the weather
•One of the worst mistakes a business-owner makes when taking over the premises of a former, similar business is to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on remodeling
Some years ago, a light bulb manufacturer introduced the concept of “group relamping”—replacing all of the light bulbs in an area, rather than replacing them one-at-a-time as they burned out
If your office, store or restaurant has signs that are supposed to attract customers, make sure they are readable. They need to be big enough to be read at a distance, have adequate contrast and simple type that’s easy to read
If your business involves reselling products, you will normally apply a formula to your cost to arrive at the resale price
In business (and in personal life) it’s impossible to keep everyone you deal with happy all the time
If you are going to sell products or services, you’d better be prepared to accept credit cards. Some in-person purchasers may pay cash, and you may gamble by accepting checks, but a great many sales are done with credit cards—even sales to government agencies and to other businesses
Benjamin Franklin said that “nothing is certain but death and taxes.” I’m not so certain. At least about taxes
Profit is often nice, often illusive and not always necessary. ‘Creative deductions’ are legitimate, justifiable business expenses that provide pleasure while reducing or eliminating profit that would be taxed. It’s important that your business appears to intend to make money, even when and if it doesn’t
There is no shame in being unprofitable. If your business doesn’t make a profit in at least three years out of five, the IRS may consider it to be a hobby, not a business, and could disallow business expenses as tax deductions
In any business—as in life—there are no guarantees. There is simply no way to eliminate all the risks associated with starting a business
Don’t forget business insurance! Remember that anyone can sue anyone for anything. A suit doesn’t need legal merit to cost a defendant a lot of time and money
Always have business cards with you—in your wallet, briefcase, backpack, tool case, suitcase, car, boat, plane, everywhere. If you have multiple businesses, get multiple business cards. If you want to promote a book, product, event or cause, they need cards, too. Make them colorful, on glossy “stock.” Make sure the type is large enough to be read easily. Always include your URL, email address, and maybe multiple phone numbers and fax number. In business, you need to be reachable
For years I’ve been getting my cards at VistaPrint.com. The company is fast, good, reasonably priced (with frequent discount deals) and has a huge selection of products—not just business cards. You can get postcards, signs, T-shirts, stickers, key chains, pens, pads, calculators and lots of other tchotchkes for building a business and increasing productivity. Below is a thank-you card my telecom equipment company includes in each package we ship:
Work
One of my first assignments on my first job after college was to write an introduction to my new employer’s Hi-Fi Trade-In Guide, a “blue book” that helped dealers decide how much to allow on traded-in audio equipment
Jay got in trouble two more times for messing with me
When my father was a teenager his father arranged for a neighbor to hire my father at what turned out to be a very low salary. Lesson: Don’t allow friends, business associates or relatives (especially parents), to be your employment agent. A new employer may surprise you by expecting you to work Saturdays or come in at 5 a.m. on alternate Thursdays. Lesson: Discuss salary, benefits and schedule before you accept a job. Avoid unpleasant surprises later on
Teenagers are expected to choose their life path, and often their life mate, with very little information and very little experience
•A speakerphone will also allow hands-free conversations but unless you are in a room with ideal acoustics, the person on “the other end” will likely hear echoes and ambient noises. It’s fine to use the speakerphone for monitoring the line if you are put on hold, but don’t use it for a conversation, especially an important conversation
Cars. I became 16 in 1962, during my sophomore year in high school
•Don’t let your gas tank go below a quarter full—especially in the winter or when you are traveling in a strange area
•Don’t teach your own children, mate or prospective mate how to drive. It’s OK to provide practice sessions to supplement professional training. Don’t YELL unless danger is imminent
From DisasterCenter.com:
If you get stopped by a cop, be polite, follow instructions, don’t offer a bribe, don’t imply that you’ll provide a sexual favor and don’t give an absurd reason for your illegal activity. The cops have heard them all
Food & Drink
One time in London I was served a warm soda. I asked the server for ice and she bought me one sad and lonely cube. The next time I asked for lots of ice
Apparently someone had neglected to tell us that this gorgeous cake was a wood and plaster fake and we were supposed to just make believe to cut it when everyone sings “The bride cuts the cake, the groom cuts the cake…” The servers had a sheet cake in the kitchen already cut and ready to roll out and serve to the guests
One Saturday while we were in junior high school, best friend Howie and I went to Pepe’s, a neighborhood Italian restaurant, for lunch. It was not glamorous. It was a dingy, long and narrow place with tables against two walls, and a center aisle that ran from the front door to the counter and kitchen in the back of the joint
Another time Howie and I were wandering around Greenwich Village. We were hungry and almost out of money and were looking for an inexpensive way to fill our bellies
My father worked as a waiter at a resort during some summer vacations from college. Pop told me that if he was “waiting a table” with eight people who ordered steaks with a mix of rare, medium-rare, medium, medium-well and well-done, he’d tell the cooks to make them all medium
At around age six, a favorite restaurant in Yonkers, New York, not far from where we lived in the Bronx, was demolished to make room for a shopping center and I stopped eating ketchup and coleslaw
Years ago, before I was allowed to use the stove, I tried to cook spaghetti by putting it in the bathroom sink and running hot water over it for about 15 minutes. After it softened up, I dumped in a jar of sauce and stirred the glop. It was terrible, but I ate some of it. I didn’t realize that boiling was a critical part of the pasta-preparation process
Years after I moved out of the Bronx, I was visiting someone who still lived in the Bronx
Lessons: (1) It may be better to drink a small cup of tea than to be overcharged. (2) If you abuse your customers one of them may complain in public like I just did. Until around age five I loved salmon salad and hated tuna salad, and then I inexplicably reversed my preference and have never gone back to salmon
When I was a kid I loved fried clams and I assumed the only way that clams could be prepared was by frying
My wife Marilyn maintained a friendship with an elderly neighbor who had moved to Florida. Betty came back to New York City once a year to visit the money she hid from her husband
•When you’re cooking meat, put some salt and pepper on it, and maybe onion powder and garlic powder
•Pizza at restaurants like Hometown Buffet can be improved by adding spaghetti sauce •At home or work, frozen pizza can be improved by adding extra sauce and toppings
•In a restaurant, don’t accept food or drinks that are too sweet, too salty, too spicy, too rare or too well-done. Hot food should not be cold. Cold drinks should not be warm. Carbonated beverages should not be flat •If you’re served a meal in someone’s house and you don’t like it, eat a little and invent an excuse for not finishing it •If you get sick after a restaurant meal, call the restaurant and the Board of Health. Marilyn and I once got food poisoning from stuffed lobster and our prompt calls probably stopped others from being poisoned •If two of you are not very hungry, don’t be embarrassed to share a meal. Maybe buy an extra soup or dessert
In a buffet restaurant, you can get creative with soups, too
Tangy, Italian-ish marinated mushrooms are wonderful. I often order them in restaurants. Sometimes I order them online but it can be an expensive gamble. I had been paying $8.99 for a pound at my local supermarket, but they were not always available. I can easily eat half a pound at one sitting so I decided on some money-saving experimentation. I succeeded
The best French fries I’ve ever had were the hand-cut crunchies served at dozens of kosher delicatessens in New York City in the 1950s. Those primo potatoes may be extinct now but some “steak fries” are pretty close copies
And now some tips from Chef Lee, author of …And He Can Cook. It’s a great guide to courtship and cooking
Finally, some burger advice from “Iron Chef” Michael Symon and others, presented in the New York Times:
Life & Death
One day while I was in college I was making a movie with some friends in a local park. I had to slide down a waterfall carrying my dog, “Sniffer,” and then walk through a stream. I stepped on a concealed broken bottle, which nearly passed through my right foot, and it took 54 stitches to close the wound
A man was driving past a mental asylum and got a flat tire. He stopped the car and went out to change the tire and saw about a dozen people on the other side of the fence jumping up and down, waving their arms and babbling incoherently
If you’re too shy to speak to a stranger, try an appropriate smile. Maybe the stranger is more gregarious than you are and will start a conversation
When I moved from an apartment to my first real house in 1977, I felt that for the first time in my life, I had enough storage space for all of my shit. Unfortunately, I failed to realize a basic fact of life
During lunch hour one day in 1971, my buddy Ken and I were wandering around the upper east side of Manhattan trying to find a BMW dealer. I don’t remember which one of us was shopping for a car and which one was just looking, but the dealer wasn’t where we thought it would be
When people who don’t know me, call to sell me printer cartridges or Wall Street stocks and ask how I am, I’ll say, “Medium.” I don’t ask how they are because I really don’t care how they are
In 1977 a condominium townhouse was being built for me. I frequently went there on weekends to install miles of wire for phones, speakers, TVs, emergency lighting and more (this was before use of the Internet was common)
The average number of testicles that people have is one
At a high school reunion in 1989 I was approached by a male classmate
Kids do a lot of stupid things. When I was about ten years old, my friends and I got caught up in a stupid fad of hyperventilation. We’d take ten deep breaths and then try to exhale while keeping our mouths closed and holding our noses—and then we’d faint
One person I know has been trying to plan his own funeral costing no more than the $255 that will be paid as a death benefit by Social Security. Even with cremation rather than burial, and an at-home service, the tab will be over $3,000
One time my paternal grandparents invited my wife and me to spend a week with them in Miami Beach
•Some of the people with the strongest opinions are wrong •The loudness of an argument does not compensate for its lack of logic or truth •Few things are worth waiting for. If something is really important, get it NOW
•Simple pleasures can be substantial pleasures. Try lying down outdoors in a cool evening, shut your eyes and just feel the air moving around you. It’s a joy
•Timing is everything, except when it doesn’t matter
•“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need.” (Jagger & Richards) •“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” (Stephen Stills) •“Don’t think twice. It’s all right.” (Bob Dylan) •“Give peace a chance.” (John and Yoko)
•He who does right for the wrong reason will eventually do right for the right reason
•“There's lies, damned lies, and statistics.” (Mark Twain)
•It’s better to be alone than to be with people you hate
•Bullshit becomes more believable if you include some real and recognizable stuff in the story. People will start nodding their heads and go along with the rest of it •What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. But it might kill you after it makes you stronger •If you expect the worst either you’ll get what you expect or you’ll get better than you expect. If you expect the best, you may be disappointed •Once a month (or even once a week) dump out the contents of your wallet and make copies of every card you carry. Unless you are sure of immortality:
The move to our second house in 2001 required FIVE MOVING VANS, plus about 70 trips in our own minivan, plus the disposal or recycling of about 50 cubic yards of crap, junk and trash
Although I’ve never been perfect in writing or anything else, for many years I was a perfectionist
I often misplace small things. As I write this, my RED cellphone has been missing for four days
I knew a man who refused to buy a color TV, even in the 1990s, because “it’s not perfected yet.” After he died, his widow bought several
Tell EVERYONE to put their car keys next to their beds at night—and do it yourself
Education
Annette O’Brasky taught science in the same junior high school. She was tough but, unlike some other tough teachers, she had a good reason to be that way: high standards, not sadism
Even if you hated attending school as a child, it’s important that you meet with your own kids’ teachers. Many scholarships go unclaimed. Some are for members of ethnic groups. Some are for children of alumni, association members or people who worked in specific occupations. Your kid doesn’t have to be a genius with perfect marks to qualify, but you must do research and your kid must be eligible. Some scholarships are for thousands of dollars, some just for a hundred bucks
Health. Strangely, medical insurance companies don’t regard the mouth and brain as standard parts of the human body. They regard them as optional equipment, like a sunroof on a car. Insurance coverage for mental health and dentistry are usually extra-cost options
In the 1980s I had a severe pain in one of my feet. I no longer remember which foot it was or what caused the pain, but it hurt so bad that I went to a hospital
One Sunday in 1999, to help a busy storekeeper I knew, I went behind the front counter to answer his ringing phone
One time as an adult in the mid-1970s I was using a hot-melt glue gun to attach something to something. I was working on our dining room table and put down a piece of scrap wood to use as a protective work surface. Rather than risk damaging a shirt, I worked without a shirt
Once while on vacation in Disney World I developed a severe pain in one of my feet. Like most men I decided to tough it out and wait for the pain to go away. It didn’t go away and four days later I went to the emergency room in a hospital in Palm Beach as I traveled farther south
•If you need to take a pill and are too lazy or too busy to go for a cup of water, just accumulate a bunch of saliva in your mouth and then swallow the saliva and the pill. NOTE: This technique does not work with awful-tasting liquid medications •Keep appropriately sized first-aid kits in your home, vehicles, luggage, briefcase, pocketbook, backpack, vacation home, etc. Check them periodically and replace ancient or missing items •If you gain just one ounce per week (a quarter of a McDonald’s Quarter-Pounder), after 40 years you will have gained 130 pounds! •Cigarettes are expensive, they’ll stink up your clothes, car and home, and make you unkissable—except maybe to other smokers •Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide. Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may cause fetal injury, premature birth and low birth weight
•When you’ve had enough to eat, stop eating. You don’t have to clean your plate
Technology
•A few times each year open up your PCs and any other devices that have cooling fans, such as DVRs, and vacuum or blow out the dust. Clean your PC monitor screen and keyboard, too •Telephone handset cords don’t tangle themselves—people tangle them. Don’t get anything longer than you need. If you use a phone at your desk, a normal 6-footer should be fine
•With modern toilets, first flush your poop and then flush your paper •Don’t leave the john until you are sure that everything went down and the water stopped running •Make sure that everyone in your home (including baby sitters and pet sitters) knows the locations of shutoff valves for toilets, sinks, water heater and main water supply, and the emergency switch for furnace and air conditioner if there is one •If you’re going away for more than a day or two, shut off the water unless it’s needed for fire safety or irrigation •Make sure that everyone in your home (including baby sitters and pet sitters) knows the location of the main circuit breaker or fuse panel •Before a trip make sure that all of your gadgets are charged up and that you pack the chargers and spare batteries, if the gadgets use replaceable batteries
A lot of the time you don’t need any special tools, testers or training to diagnose tech troubles. All that’s needed are a few minutes and a little common sense
If you have a new camera, or a phone that takes pictures, read and understand the manual before you use it
Politics
Before we voted for class officers in third grade our teacher said that if we were candidates we should not vote for ourselves because it is impolite and unsportsmanlike. I challenged the teacher (as I often did). I said, “If we don’t think we’re the best candidates, we shouldn’t be running for office.” She changed the rule
•A good principle for lawmakers is that any activity that is personally beneficial—or merely pleasant—without being publicly harmful should be legal •“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” (Mark Twain)
•The enemy of your enemy can be your friend. The friend of your enemy is not your friend •If you are interested in politics you should read, watch or listen to the media that support the opposition. You’ll probably be outraged and amused, but might learn something new—and might even change your mind •Don’t put signs on your lawn or stickers on your car for competing candidates •At least once in your life, run for office—any office •“I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” (Will Rogers) •“There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.” (Will Rogers) Think about a candidate—maybe for president, maybe for dog catcher
Media
A similar strategy should work with the New York Times if you are not a paid subscriber or have used up your monthly freebie allotment
Aging
•Being old is probably better than dying young •Middle-age lasts until someone start shoveling dirt on top of you •Start giving things away and buying fewer things around age 65. At 85, stop buying green bananas
•The older you get, the faster time moves. When you’re in high school, it takes an hour for the minute hand to move to the next mark and each 45-minute class lasts a century. By the time you’re 60 years old, there’s just five months between your annual eye exams. When you’re 70, there’s just five minutes between lunch and supper •You know you’re old when you talk more about the things you’ve done, than about the things you’re going to do. Therefore, I’m old—however, I still have plans for the future •Dr. Mark Schwartz said, “Modern medicine can keep people alive long after the parts wear out, but there’s no quality of life.” •For a male, one advantage of getting older is that you can get turned on by many more females than when you were younger. I can’t speak for women •If you have a few minutes to kill, talk to an old person (i.e., someone at least 20 years older than you are). He or she probably has some great stories to tell, maybe some good advice to offer, and will appreciate the opportunity to be listened to •Get your eyes checked regularly
•A high school classmate died recently, much too young and apparently of “natural” causes. We can’t control our genes, but we can exert a bit of control over our lives. The older we are the less we can “get away with.” There’s less time to heal and maybe less strength to resist bad stuff. Be careful
•Take advantage of senior discounts. Some are publicized but others have to be asked for. You may find that one McDonald’s or Dunkin’ Donuts offers 10% off but another a few miles away does not. Some supermarkets offer senior discounts one day each week
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?”
Here are some benchmarks of aging:
Despite deficiencies in appendages and sensory organs, old farts have definite advantages over the young ‘uns
While typing during the last few years I’ve frequently and stupidly held down the shift key as I pressed the key to insert an apostrophe—and ended up inserting a quote mark
Time
If you get to a restaurant and find there is a long wait for a table, use your cellphone or the payphone to call the reservations number and ask how soon your group can be seated
In the early 1960s, I frequently went ice skating in Edgewood Park in New Haven, Connecticut. Next to the skating rink was a building with restrooms, a snack bar and a place where you could rent skates or put on your own skates
Lubavitcher Rebbe. Menachem Schneerson said:
Animals
In 2002 neighbors announced that they were divorcing and moving away. The wife was getting custody of the kids and we could have the dog
We’ve all seen animals trained to do amazing things on TV and YouTube, but ‘ordinary’ dogs can learn to perform complex tasks and even to count
If I squirt water onto the sidewalk from a hose, Hunter tries to drink it from near the sidewalk, as if the sidewalk—not the hose—is the source of the water
While animals can be taught many useful and amusing things, they also learn by mimicry
Animals—like infants—can’t tell you when something hurts or what hurts. You have to be observant to spot abnormal behavior such as trouble walking or loss of appetite or strange poop. Regularly feel your furry friend for lumps and swellings. Look for ticks and bruises, etc
One time on a Sunday morning Hunter tried to swallow a hornet and got stung on the inside of his cheek
Television’s Lassie and Rin-Tin-Tin were great actors but other dogs can learn the difference between fake and real
The younger sister of a girl I dated in college was given a horse for her birthday. She named the horse “Vida,” in honor of the Iron Butterfly song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”
Even in hot weather some long-furred dogs should not be clipped short. Long fur provides protection against heat, sunburn and even skin cancer. Ask your vet about proper grooming. Brushing can be better than clipping
•Most dogs will eat cat food. Most cats will reject dog food •A dog will love you but the most you can expect from a cat is toleration
•Dogs have different preferences and personalities. Like all retrievers, our Hunter was bred to thrive in the wet and cold. He takes naps in the snow and loves to go in our pool. Copper, his Chihuahua-Beagle girlfriend, hates being wet. She will follow a flashlight’s bright spot on the floor. Hunter ignores it •Pets should eat before the human beings in your family. If pets see people eating, the pets may think they won’t be fed •Puppies are energetic and active. Older dogs may seem to be very lazy and are content to lie around doing nothing other than contemplating their next meal. However, they can be stimulated and will enjoy active play and going for walks •Dogs come in different sizes. Big dogs drop big loads, and, despite perfect behavior, a big dog’s size may intimidate little kids and even some adults •Dogs can be highly empathetic, not just in comforting people who need comforting but also in adjusting their behavior to different people. When I walk Hunter on his leash he is very forceful and I often have to struggle to control him. If I let a tiny three-year-old kid hold the leash, Hunter is a perfect gentleman •Even after canine vision is diminished, the senses of hearing and smell will probably be much better than any homo sapiens has •If you have a well-behaved and friendly dog, find out if it will be allowed to visit in a nearby hospital, nursing home or assisted-living facility. Some old people get few or no visitors and their days will be greatly brightened if given the chance to hug, rub and shake hands with a pooch •Some dogs—like Hunter—are very gregarious and love to meet people. Other dogs do not •Dogs and cats use their feet as both feet and hands, and their mouths as hands. Elephants use their trunks as hands. Porpoises use their mouths as hands. Monkeys use their feet and tails as hands. My father showed my brother and me that we could pick things up with our feet. Mom said the use of prehensile toes was disgusting
•Dogs can be trained and can also train people. Hunter sleeps on our bed and there is a water bowl on the floor about eight feet away. He has trained us to know that if he pants during the night Marilyn or I will get out of the bed and deliver his water. Hunter is perfectly capable of getting off the bed to get a drink, but has figured out that we will provide service for him. You might cause stress and even get injured when you approach a dog who doesn’t know you. Here’s some advice from DogBreedInfo.com:
There are nearly 200 dog breeds recognized by the American Kennel Club and new breeds are frequently developed. The Labradoodle and Golden Doodle are recent hybrids, Hunter’s girlfriend is a Cheagle (Chihuahua-Beagle) but so far I don’t think anyone has combined a Pekinese and a Great Dane
I seldom think of Hunter as a pet—and never as a possession. He’s a friend, housemate and a son who just happens to have four legs and a tail and wears a fur coat inside the house
Baseball
Sailing
Sex
Sex was almost a toy for my college girlfriend “Anita,” and we tried it in strange places, including the garden just below her parents’ bedroom window and in the deep end of the swimming pool while treading water. (It doesn’t work. The leg motions that keep you from drowning are not the motions you want to be making.)
As a professional journalist, I know that I should not publish any stories that I can’t verify. However, this one is so good that I am willing to temporarily suspend the hallowed rules of reporting
When I was in junior high school, like many Jewish kids who lived in Connecticut, I spent February school vacations at the Concord resort in New York’s Catskill Mountains, which were also affectionately known as the “Borscht Belt.”
I dated a smart and gorgeous girl while in high school and college. Actually, I dated several, but this story is about just one
A man should go to bed with a lot of women, so when he meets the right one, he’ll know what he's doing. A woman should go to bed with a lot of men, so when she meets the right one, she’ll know what she’s doing. From Zorba the Greek: “There is one thing in life that God cannot forgive: when a woman calls a man to her bed and he does not go.” Sex is like beer. When it’s good, it’s very good. When it’s bad, it’s very bad
Writing & Publishing
You probably know people with annoying habits like snapping fingers, popping gum and inserting “you know what I mean” between sentences
Don’t type “3 a.m.” on one page and “5PM” elsewhere. Similarly, you should avoid having “ebook” and “e-book” and “WWII” and “WW2.”
I once decided to change a real name to a fake name in a book I was writing, to avoid embarrassing someone who might not want to be written about. I used Word’s Find and Replace feature, which quickly made about a dozen substitutions. But when I read through the chapter I was surprised to find a few instances of the old name which had escaped the Find function
(above) Many people seem to think that a typo (“typographical error”) is any error in typing, printing or signmaking
(below) Apparently New York Times reporter Ben Sisario did not learn what I learned in second grade. Even worse, neither did his copyeditor. Subscribers can be counted, so they get the “fewer” treatment
The serial comma (also known as the Oxford comma and the Harvard comma) is a comma inserted ahead of a conjunction (and/or/nor) after the second-to-last item in a list of items
If you’re the type of grammar geek who needs authoritative assurance that it’s proper to type Oakland A’s—but not ABC’s—get the Associated Press Guide to Punctuation. For humor mixed with apostrophes, read Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation. Languages change. Clearly, so do people—even me. There are two instances of “bad English” that no longer make me nauseous. The English language is fluid and flexible, and I should not try to hold it back
Except for a few specific cases, the apostrophe indicates POSSESSION, not plural. The correct plural form of “Smith” is in this sentence: “The Smiths are going on vacation.”
We do not use an apostrophe to create plurals in the following:
Do not use the apostrophe + s to create the plural of acronyms (pronounceable abbreviations such as laser and IRA) and other abbreviations. (A possible exception to this last rule is an acronym that ends in “S”: “We filed four NOS’s in that folder.”)
No matter how many times you read and reread, you will find mistakes in anything you’ve written. It’s best to find them before a letter is sent or a book goes on sale. When do you stop looking for mistakes? When you’ve read the entire document and have not found anything that needs to be corrected or improved (probably around the eighth time). Then it’s time to have someone else read it
An ellipsis (plural is “ellipses”) is a series of three dots that can have several purposes, be governed by several standards and appear in several forms
•Book writing and publishing are addictive. Like eating Lay’s potato chips, it’s hard to stop at one. In 2008 I planned to do one book. I’ve done more than 40 and more are coming •Writing a book is easy. Getting people to buy it is not
•Don’t overemphasize. If a sentence ends in italics for emphasis there is no need for an exclamation mark!
Sum Werdz Too Wotch Owte Four
Law
I once got a ticket for an illegal left turn at a particularly confusing intersection in Scarsdale, New York. I thought the conditions might be ambiguous enough for me to avoid a fine if I got to speak to the right judge
In the mid-1970s I lived in a brand-new luxury high-rise apartment building in Queens, New York. My wife and I planned to live there for three years, and then buy a house. The building was filled with lots of other young couples who had similar plans and dreams
One time I had a customer with a very expensive apartment in Manhattan. Sheila was a mistress, a kept woman, being kept by Harold, a lawyer with a wife and kids on Long Island. Harold seemed to treat her well, at least in terms of spending money—except for one time
Lesson: He who is his own lawyer may not have a fool for a client. My business once got stuck with a bad check for about $400 from a con man who did the same thing to other businesses in the area. I complained to the local district attorney and asked him to have the guy arrested
About the Author
Also by Michael N. Marcus
Illustration & Photo Credits
