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DEDICATION
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
INTRODUCTION
What This Book Will Cover
STRATEGY #1. Know Who You Are: Take a Personal Inventory
Qualifications
All Experience Is Not Equal
Who Are You?
Shaping Self-Esteem
Embracing Your Unique Identity
Taking a Personal Inventory
My Personal Inventory
Being Okay With Strengths and Weaknesses
No One Has All the Answers
STRATEGY #2. Examine Your Expectations
Unrealistic Expectations
An Expectation Inventory
Meeting Your New Step-Children
Expecting to Like Your Step-Children
Loving Equally? — Biologic Children “Versus” Step-Children
Separating the Behavior from the Child
Children’s Expectations
Expectations for Good
Everyone Expects Honesty … Including the Children! Honesty About Dating
Honesty In Living Arrangements
Honesty in Communication. About The Wedding
About Arrangements in General
STRATEGY #3. Use the Hierarchy Ladder - A Short Course in Family Dynamics
Adults Make the Decisions
How The Family Hierarchy Ladder Works
Where Do Step-Parents Fit?
A Short Course In Family Dynamics. Lesson 1: Timing Is Everything
Lesson 2: Respect Is Foundational
Lesson 3: Pick and Choose Your Boundary Disputes
Lesson 4: Maintain Consistency in Redefining Behavior
Lesson 5: Understand Who Is Responsible
Lesson 6: Draft and Use a Behavior-Consequence Chart
Sample Behavior-Consequence Charts
Disrespect:
Fighting with Siblings:
Disrespect:
Lying:
Fighting With Siblings:
Lesson 7: Protect Your Children—At Home and Everywhere Else
Lesson 8: Listen Listen Listen
STRATEGY #4 “Make Nice” With the Former Spouse
Things in Perspective
Your Personal Revelation Chart
Facts to Remember
Meeting the Former Spouse
Understanding Biologic Loss
Keep Trying!
Difficult Communications
Setting Things Straight
Bridging the Gap
Different Lifestyles … But Always Safe
Access Granted
Brian’s Story
P.S.—Close Enough Is … Close Enough
STRATEGY #5. Create a Parenting Partnership
Clear Communication
Appreciate Gender Differences
Realistic Expectations
Problems / Questions To Consider
Emotional Management
Defining Roles and Responsibilities
Life’s Little Extras
Keep Laughing
Child Support
Helping Each Other Over the Rough Spots
STRATEGY #6. Respect the Past As You Create the Future - Blend New and Old Memories
PART I: Blending Traditions
Religious Differences
Holiday Rituals
Family Memorabilia
The Other Parent’s Holidays
Weddings—Plans and Protocol
Seating Arrangements
New Memories
PART II: Housing Arrangements
Keep It Simple
For the Step-Parent With No Biologic Children
For the Step-Parent With Biologic Children
Housing for Permanents and Non-Permanents
Moving Day—A Family Celebration!
PART III: Honor Extended Family Members
Grandparents
One Big Happy Family
STRATEGY #7. Never Underestimate Your Importance
Message Received
STRATEGY #8. Get the Help You Need
When You Need Help
Commonsense Advice for Common Missteps in Step-Parenting
When Your Children or Step-Children Need Help
Emotional Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
When Your Spouse Needs Help
RESOURCES. I. Internet Resources. Websites
Online Magazines / Essays / Articles
Agencies and Associations
II. Counseling and Advice via Phone
BIBLIOGRAPHY
OTHER TITLES OF INTEREST FROM HOHM PRESS
About the Authors
Contact Information
We are constantly reminded that children’s lives are shaped more by the individuals with whom they are linked than by genetics or world events. Each of us teaches lessons, positively or negatively, that impact generations. Children are our immediate future. This book is dedicated to step-parents everywhere, whose selfless devotion and sacrifices have changed the course of their children’s lives. Jose Gonzalez was one of those people.
We have learned about human behavior from those individuals right under our noses; for us it was the carefree innocence of our children that taught us (rather than the other way around), unaware of the lessons they were giving. Nothing, we discovered, is more filled with wonder than a wobbly toddler, more willing to learn than an enthusiastic student, more defiant than a rebellious teenager, and more resilient than the human spirit of the child. We acknowledge our children.
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•Prioritizing which issues should always be enforced
•Establishing protection for each member of your family.
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