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Ralph Alterowitz. The Lovin' Ain't Over for Women with Cancer
Advance Praise for The Lovin’ Ain’t Over for Women with Cancer
Foreword
Preface
Chapter 1. Cancer and “The New Woman”
Chapter 2. Cancer and Female Sexual Function
The Woman’s Sexual Response Cycle
Not a “Non-Stop Trip” to Intercourse
Lifestyle Choices and Sexual Function
Aging Affects Sexual Function
Female Sexual Dysfunction
Low Sexual Desire
Sexual Arousal Disorders
Orgasmic Disorders
Pain During Intercourse. Vaginal or pelvic pain during intercourse may be the result of surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, or other medications that may cause thinning of the vaginal wall or muscle spasms during intercourse. The medical term dyspareunia refers to painful sexual intercourse because of medical or psychological issues. Vaginismus refers to involuntary spasms of the muscles of the vaginal wall, resulting in difficulty with any type of vaginal penetration such as sexual intercourse or even a tampon
Sexuality and Cancer
Effects of Cancer Treatments
Cancer Means Change
Resuming Sex After Cancer: Stressful but Rewarding
Chapter 3. Cancer Therapy and Its Consequences
Cancer therapies and physical side effects
The Dreaded “Chemo Brain”
Sexual effects of different cancer treatments
Psychological Effects
Anxiety Disorder
Fear of Rejection
Identity Disorder
Depression
Living With Breast Reconstruction
A Cauldron of Emotions—and Hope
Chapter 4. I, the New Woman: Using Cancer to Redefine Yourself
After the Treatment
A New Self-Concept
New Self-Concept to New Intimacy
Need to Feel Fully Alive
Admire Yourself. So often we think of ourselves in terms someone else has used. We are nice, clever, a good conversationalist. Rarely do we try to figure out what we like about ourselves. We’re worried that would be egotistical. Whatever thoughts we may have about how capable we are or how well we do something, we tend to suppress them unless someone else highlights them for our attention
Identify Interests
Do It!
Assess
Look Good to Feel Even Better
Style. Donna Karan, founder of DKNY, defined style as coming from “having the confidence to know yourself, your body, and feeling comfortable in your skin. The right clothes can help you achieve that, but clothes should bring out the best of who you are, as opposed to creating a whole new person.” Her guideline is that “style is all about balance. A tailored look needs the femininity of a soft accent, and a draped look needs a bit of structure.” Also, remember that even a small thing like a scarf or brooch can emphasize or change the look of an outfit
Size and Fit
Material. Not all materials look good on everyone. Silk may be better than cotton on a particular person because of the way the material drapes on that person’s frame. In searching for a particular item, pay attention to how different materials define your shape. Color
The Complete New Woman
Chapter 5. Partner Reaction and Behavior
Changing Role, Changing Perspective
Listen First
Scars - to Look or Not to Look?
Let Her Take the Lead
New Life, New Patterns of Love
Lessons Learned
Chapter 6. Talking With Your Partner
Breaking Down Barriers
”No One Really Likes Shrimp”
The Elephant in the Bedroom
Talk Before You Resume Sex
Improving the Quality of the Relationship - Getting Out of the Rut
1. Is Your Relationship in a Rut?
2. Set Goals for Getting out of a RUT: What Would We Like?
3. Arrange to Work on it: Prepare for the Talk
4. Have a Heart-to-Heart Talk. At the appointed time, you should be ready to discuss how to achieve the goals you’ve set earlier, or maybe your first discussion topic is what your joint goals should be
5. Do It!
6. Review
Getting to the CREST
Chapter 7. Talking With Your Doctor
Understanding the Doctor’s Situation
Preparing For a Visit to Discuss Sexual Dysfunction Issues
Write down your questions. Once you have decided to discuss your concerns or problems with a doctor or other professional, prepare to cover all the points that are important to you. Talk with your partner and write down all these points. Then create questions and organize them. Don’t trust that you will remember them because when you get caught up in the discussion, items you want to cover can be easily forgotten
Making the appointment
Getting the most from the meeting
Chapter 8. M-E-D-S for Good Sex
M-Motivation
E-Exercise
Six Steps to Get Started on Exercise
Kegel Exercises
D-Diet
S-Sleep
Tips on Getting the Sleep You Need
M-E-D-S - A Virtuous or Vicious Cycle
Chapter 9. Re-Inventing Loving
Anticipation and Passion
Restarting the Engine
Ground Rules for Getting Back on Track. Acceptance is key - Cancer therapy inflicts physical and mental changes on a person. You cannot forecast how you will feel doing the same things sexually that you did previously. You certainly don’t know how you will feel doing something new. The most important thing is to accept that your body has changed in some ways, making you feel like a different person. Give yourself permission to accept your new status
Relearning Each Other’s Sexual Responses
Perk up Your Love-making
A Sexuality Script Example
Chapter 10. The New Single Woman
Challenges for the Single Woman
The Mating Game has Many Flavors
Infertility Can Be a Devastating Blow to Life Planning
Body Image and Identity Issues
Telling the Prospective Partner/ Getting Ready for a Relationship
Having Sex For the First Time After Treatment
Finding “Calvin”
Chapter 11. What You Can Do Without Pills and Prescriptions
Mental Techniques, Acupuncture, and Mindset Approaches
Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine
Disease Acceptance
Relaxation Techniques. Perhaps one inevitable result of cancer is stress. Stress during the course of testing and treatment puts pressure on the woman and on her partner. This stress may continue long after the treatment. Living with the ongoing threat of recurrence, worrying about “if and when,” can put a damper on wishes, plans, and present reality. A primary objective must be to find an approach that works to ease the pressure. Reducing stress is essential for improving your capacity for intimacy and enjoying sexuality. There are numerous techniques available for reducing stress, including massage, imagery, hypnosis, physical rehabilitation, yoga, breathing exercises and singing, to name only some. A Google search on “relaxation techniques” brings up almost 3 million links. Search for “stress reduction techniques,” and you see a catalogue of more than 5 million links with discussions on how to reduce stress
Meditation
Mindfulness
“As if…” A Mental Perspective. When people begin to think about their life after cancer, they often focus on limitations imposed by the cancer or therapy. It does not matter whether these restraints are real or of the person’s imagination. In both cases, they become real to that individual. Unfortunately, when people set boundaries on what they can or will do, they immediately constrain their thinking and limit their possibilities. They look at what little they think they can do or will be able to do, and become unable to even considering other exciting and desirable possibilities. By starting with what they believe they can’t or won’t be able to do, they begin with the formidable mental barrier of “what cannot be.” They then internalize this mindset as a fixed boundary they dare not cross. Alfred Adler observed about this: “The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.”
Visualization
Sexual Fantasy. Whereas visualization may be used to improve your self-image and general ability to make love, people use fantasy to aid in becoming aroused
Sensate Focus
Sex without Intercourse
Devices, Aids, and “Home Remedies”
Vibrators, Dilators and Dildos
Vaginal Exercises
Vulvo-Vaginal Health
Topical Moisturizers and Personal Lubricants
Chapter 12. Prescription, Over-the-Counter, and Herbal Products
There Is No One-Size-Fits-All Treatment
Prescription Treatments
Be Prepared for the Psychological Side Effects of Treatment
Therapeutic Directions
Hormonal Treatments
Non-Hormonal Treatments
Investigational Drugs and Clinical Trials
Vacuum Therapy - Clitoral Therapy Device (EROS)™
Herbal Supplements
ArginMax®
Zestra®
Gingko biloba
L-arginine
Kava
Other Supplements
Chapter 13. The Yellow Brick Road, or Life is Still Good
Appendix
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