Читать книгу Full of Growth - Reganne Nicole Sheely - Страница 1

Have you ever been misunderstood by the ones you thought loved you the most? This is where it all began for me. My road wasn't always easy. There were times where I felt hopeless, not good enough, like there was no way anybody could ever love me for me. I felt unseen like the world would be a better place if I were not in it. But, what kept me going was the phrase that I continuously kept telling myself, the only thing that I knew to be true about my life and my purpose: the Lord never promised an easy road; He only promised to be my strength and help me through the storms, promising to lead me down a road of growth if I allowed Him to take control.

I pray this book brings people hope that through the storms, you are not alone. The Lord does not create mess-ups. He does not fail or forsake you. There were times when I convinced myself that the Lord was against me. It wasn't until the storms had passed that He revealed the beautiful things He shaped me through them. He was equipping me and making me stronger. And the Lord does the same thing for you. You may feel alone, confused as you'll never measure up or be enough. Like you don't have a purpose in this world and that this world would be better off without you. But, let me tell you something, the Lord isn't finished with you, and I can assure you that He will never give up on you. I can promise you that if you allow the Lord into your heart fully and permit Him to be in control of everything in your life, trusting that He will only prosper you, then your life will change completely. I want to take you along with me on my journey. It wasn't easy for me, but I can say that it was worth it because, during situations that the enemy intended to bring me harm, I found the true love of Jesus.

Growing up in a town where everyone knows everything about everyone is tough, but growing up in a school where you only have about 110 people in your class felt even tougher. All it took was one day for my life to take a turn and for me to realize the true meaning of struggling and what depression felt like. Let me bring you back to my sophomore year of high school, where I was challenged more than I had ever been before. My world, reputation, and self-worth all changed due to one night, one poor decision, one bad judgment call, something that would soon be seen by just about everyone in town, maybe even across different states.

Your experience might be different than mine. But here's what happened to me and where my journey with God began: I allowed someone that was a friend, video me vaping while holding a baby, which happened to be sent to numerous people, who then sent it to more and more people. Right then, I realized that one single mistake that did not define me as a person was about to change my life forever. I attended a small Christian school, so I would suffer consequences for my actions, which I completely understood. But, it wasn't just the three days of in-school suspension that I had as a punishment. The bullying that followed would be much worse from the people who were once considered my best friends and the people who I had been there for when they felt like their lives were falling apart, constantly calling me "baby killer." Classmates constantly looked at me and laughed as I walked down the hallway. Teachers and administration that were supposed to be the Christian examples treated me differently due to what had happened, and some didn't take the proper actions to protect me.

But, it wasn't just the people in my school that participated in making fun of me. People in other schools took hold of my mistakes and plastered them around social media like it was a funny joke, something to make me feel even worse about myself. I lost my faith, and I pushed God out because if the people who were modeled as Christians treated me like that, I didn't want to be a part of it.

One mistake that didn't define who I was caused me to become depressed. I became eager for my parents to finally let me sleep alone, shower alone, or use the restroom alone, because the moment that I did, I had a plan to end it because I believed what people were saying about me. I believed "you're worthless," "You deserve to die," "you're a baby killer." I could go on and on with the spoken comments and the number of tweets and posts posted about me. I allowed people to determine the way I thought about myself when they had no clue what had happened, the relationship that I had with the baby's family, or the ways that I was making things right with everyone that could've been hurt in the situation that I had caused.

Something that I didn't realize in the midst of all of this was how the Lord was bringing me to hope for the future. He did this by sending me people who shaped me into a better person. The Lord surrounded me with parents who were willing to fight for me and be my rock through the unthinkable experiences of life. He gave me three sisters, who were my backbone and greatest defenders throughout this tragic experience. It was the baby's family who poured love, strength and showed me the true meaning of forgiveness; by the way, they wrapped me in their arms after I had hurt them. The coach who went 'to war' with me and texted me every day, reassuring me that I had someone behind me to love and protect me. My freshman year English teacher came to see me during the in-school suspension in tears, with a note and chocolate, lending the support and love like a true Christian. The small handful of teachers came by to tell me that everything was going to be just fine and that they believed in me. My sophomore geography teacher responded to my email apologizing for what I had done by saying, "the only disappointment that I have during this time is not having you in my class and not being able to teach and love on you." The two best friends, plus my two volleyball best friends, did not turn their backs on me like the others but instead revealed what true friendship was by seeing me the way God created me and loving me for it. The Lord sent me a curly-haired lady who changed my life more than I ever thought possible and turned my life around. He did this because He promises to fill us up with everything that we need at the perfect time. These people stayed and gathered around me, even when I had disappointed them and gave them every reason to walk away and turn their back on me. They helped me more than they could imagine, but it didn't erase the pain that I was going through.

One night, I found myself on my knees, crying out to the Lord, asking Him, "Why would you do this to me?", "Why me?""Why do you hate me?" - and right then I realized something - John 16:33 says, "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows." God never promised me that I would never be hurt. God didn't promise me that I wouldn't feel heartbreak. There will be tears, but I had to realize that the feelings of betrayal and hopelessness, feelings of not being enough, hatred of myself - all of those things weren't of God. None of those emotions that I felt were of Him because they aren't who He is. Instead, they were what the enemy was trying to make me believe of myself.

The Lord wants what is best for us, but the enemy loves to see us struggle. We decide to keep our eyes turned toward the Lord, trusting His plans - or to fall in the trap of the enemy. We decide to fall within the love and care that the Lord is eager to offer us. Or believe the lies that the enemy is trying to put into our minds to turn us from the Lord because the enemy knows that the Lord wants what is good for us.

I learned from this season in my life of hopelessness, not feeling enough, and suicidal thoughts were that the Lord never gives up on us even when we are at our ugliest. He loves us more during those times. The Lord never shut me out even when I gave Him every reason to and when I did myself, He waited patiently for me to come back to Him so that He could retake control. One thing that is so beautiful is that He is always within us, but He never forces Himself upon us. What I mean by that is, He will never force us to receive His love and guidance, but He will wait for us to allow Him to have the power of transforming our lives into something more beautiful than we ever imagined possible. He wants to be involved in our lives, and He is eager to transform you into the best version of you possible, but you can't be that without Him.

This is the book of healing. For the ones who are ready to feel alive again. For the ones who are willing to go through the hurt, insecurities, and scary conversations to heal the wounds that the Lord has been waiting to conquer with you. For the ones that have desperately been waiting to feel loved, energetic, and lively again. The Lord has been waiting for this moment with you, as He did for me. Let's conquer this together. Xox.

At the end of each chapter, you will find a fight song, prayer, reflection. These are some things that have helped me through my journey, and I pray that this will help you.

Reflect:

What is one question that you have always wanted to ask the Lord?

Close your eyes and ask Jesus three words that He would use to describe you.

What are three things that you felt have held you captive and that you have wanted to let go of?

What do you need God to clarify to you? What do you need to sacrifice to change those feelings?

Are you willing to put forth the effort of transforming your life into something more beautiful than you could ever imagine?

What are three things that you know to be true about God?