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Sarah Elisabeth Boggs. Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER ONE. A CONSTANT STATE OF DIS-EASE
The Dark Side of Intimacy
When Relationships Cause a Painful Double Bind
Giving the Problem a Name
Maria
How Addiction Causes Dis-ease
Are You a Love or Sex Addict?
Four Brave Women Share Their Stories
Maria
Heather
Tori
Barbara
What’s Next?
CHAPTER TWO. A DIS-EASE OF CULTURAL INHERITANCE
Facing Painful Beliefs
Harmful Core and Cultural Beliefs
Cultural Belief One: I must be good to be worthy of love
Cultural Belief Two: If I am sexual, I am bad
Cultural Belief Three: I am not really a woman unless someone desires me sexually or romantically
Cultural Belief Four: I must be sexual to be lovable
The Double Bind of the Four Cultural Beliefs
Double Bind/Double Shame
What’s Next?
CHAPTER THREE. A DIS-EASE OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ISOLATION
The Impact of Isolation and Trauma
Isolation Alters the Brain
Maria
Soothing a Scared Brain
Denial: The Brain’s Protection Plan
The Isolation of Emotional Abuse
The Two Types of Sexual Abuse
Barbara
Maria
Signs of Physical Abuse
Abuse and Boundary Violations Start Early
What’s Next?
CHAPTER FOUR. THE PAINFUL PARADOX OF LOVE AND SEX ADDICTION
Control, Fear, and Shame
Bonded to Sex and Love
The Incredible Power of the Addictive System
Belief System
Impaired Thinking
Preoccupation
Ritualization
Compulsive Behavior
Despair
Unmanageability
Self-Development and Addiction
What’s Next?
CHAPTER FIVE. UNDERSTANDING COMPULSIVE ROMANTIC BEHAVIOR
Compulsive Behavior: Escaping Intimacy
When Escaping Intimacy Becomes Addictive
Compulsive Romantic Beliefs and Behavior
Cultural Belief One: I must be good to be worthy of love
Heather
Cultural Belief Two: I am not really a woman unless someone desires me sexually or romantically
Maria
Cultural Belief Three: If I am sexual, I am bad
Cultural Belief Four: I must be sexual to be lovable
Conflicting Cultural Beliefs
What’s Next?
CHAPTER SIX. THE BODY KNOWS
The Lure of Addictive Relationships
Heather
Addictive Relationships as Self-Abuse
Addictive Isolation Instead of Human Connection
The Binge/Purge Patterns of Sexual Anorexia
Addictive Relationships Abuse Power and Involve Secrets
Overt Secrets
Covert Secrets
Addictive Anger
The Many Different Faces of Rage
Eroticized Rage
Sex Offending
Trauma Bonds
Maria
Identify Trauma Bonds in Your Life
Barbara
Ready to Heal
What’s Next?
CHAPTER SEVEN. MOTHER HUNGER
Motherhood Is Sacred
Mothers Provide a Map of How to Be a Woman
How Emotional Orphans Are Born
Dissociation and Addiction—A Match Made in Heaven
The Lessons of First Love
How Do You Attach?
First Love: A Map for Attachment
Barbara
Anxious Attachment: There is never enough
Avoidant Attachment: Loss is inevitable
Attachment Style and Addictive Style Research
Research Findings
What’s Next?
CHAPTER EIGHT. WITHDRAWAL
Maria
Heather
Tori
Barbara
Reclaim Your Life
Withdraw from Destructive“Bottom-Line Behaviors”
What to Expect with Withdrawal
What does withdrawal feel like?
Maria
Heather
Barbara
Why do I need to go through withdrawal?
What will help me succeed during withdrawal?
Seek Professional Help
Tips on locating a therapist
Discover Group Support
Additional Tips for Success
Be aware of excuses
Avoid cluttering your days with too much activity
Plan healthy rewards
Write how you felt the last time you acted out
Get regular exercise
Connect with your body through massage
Consult with your therapist about medication
Locate an addiction treatment facility
Menstruation and Withdrawal
Ovulation
Luteal Phase
New Freedom Awaits
What’s Next?
CHAPTER NINE. REBUILDING
The Three Gifts of Recovery
Self-Care
Self-Acceptance
Self-Love
Women as Friends
Reflections on Friendship
Maria
Heather
Tori
Barbara
Healing Mother Hunger
Creating a New Mother
Healing for Anxious Daughters
Healing for Avoidant Daughters
What about Forgiveness?
Reclaiming Damaged Dreams
Tori
Heather
Maria
The Healing Paradox
What’s Next?
CHAPTER TEN. LIVING RECOVERY: RESTORING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Ready for Romance
Dating Again
Barbara
Tori
Maria
Dating Guidelines for Women in Recovery
Loving in Sobriety
Reclaiming Your Sexuality
Heather
Maria
Barbara
What Happens When You Discuss Your Feelings about Sex?
Barbara
Tori
Maria
Making a Commitment to Love
Heather
Recovery Is a Journey, Not a Destination
A Chance to Heal from Mother-loss
Recovery Is a Powerful Pathway Back to Love
EPILOGUE
Tori
Barbara
Maria
Heather
RESOURCE GUIDE
RECOMMENDED READING
NOTES
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Отрывок из книги
When love hurts, you may wonder about your choice of romantic partners or risky sexual behaviors. Perhaps, like many others, you’re experiencing the raw pain of an addictive relationship—the kind that’s painful to be in, yet seemingly impossible to leave. A profound sense of emptiness can result. Repeatedly, you may feel pain, anger, and confusion rather than what you truly desire: closeness, warmth, and security. You may feel broken. The more you search for the comfort of closeness and safety, the deeper you sink into the quicksand of despair.
As you read through the pages in this book, you will discover what happens when love and sex—our most primitive human needs—becomes a drug. This idea may be new to you. If you’re in the midst of recovering from other addictions, the concept may make sense but leave you asking, “What? There’s more work to do?”
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•sex and fear are part of the home environment
Maria is the firstborn daughter in a middle-class Hispanic family where her parents filled traditional gender roles. Her father worked and her mother stayed home to raise the children. They were active members in their church and community. Maria has few happy memories of her childhood. Mostly, she remembers being afraid. When her father wasn’t working, he was home, sullen and angry. His unpredictable moods terrified Maria. He physically punished her regularly. Although spanking was thought to be normal in the late 1960s and early 1970s, what Maria endured was extraordinary. Her father removed her clothing for a beating and stopped only when he seemed tired. After an abusive episode, Maria would be left alone in her room. No one came in to comfort, explain, or apologize. She remembers crying herself to sleep, frozen in a ball under her blankets.
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