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Stefanie Ph.D. Carnes PhD. Mending A Shattered Heart
Introduction
— Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S
Part One: For All Partners of Sex Addicts
Chapter One: What Is Sex Addiction? Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S
How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?
How did I not know this was happening?
Is sex addiction a new term for an old problem?
What’s the difference between sex addiction and other sexual behaviors?
Are all sex addicts the same?
Now that I know my partner is a sex addict, what should I do?
What do I need to do to protect myself from further harm?
Who can I talk to about this?
I feel so emotional about this, is this normal?
Where should I start?
Chapter Two: I Need to Know Everything That Happened…Or Do I? Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, PhD
I’ve made the discovery, what comes next?
Why do I feel compelled to know all the nitty-gritty details?
How much information should I ask for?
I can’t help feeling that a lot of this is my fault. My guilt and shame make it hard for me to talk about this with other people. What can I do?
Tell me a little bit more about disclosure; for example, what is a formal disclosure?
What are the consequences of disclosure?
In the past, I’ve threatened to leave should my partner have an affair or even get involved sexually with someone online. How likely are couples to split up after discovery or disclosure?
Can we do the disclosure right away so we can get on with rebuilding our relationship?
At our first formal disclosure my husband insisted he told me all the big pieces of his acting out, but over the next two years he told me some other things. How can I trust him?
Chapter Three: Is This Going to Get Better? Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S and Cara W. Tripodi, LCSW, CSAT-S
My life is falling apart since learning about my partner’s sex addiction. When is the pain going to go away? Am I going to get better? Is it normal to be so upset?
The Stages of Recovery for the Partner
Stage 1: Developing/Pre-Discovery
Core Characteristics of the Developing/ Pre-Discovery Stage
Stage 2: Crisis/Decision/Information Gathering
Core Characteristics of the Crisis Stage
Stage 3: Shock
Core Characteristics of the Shock Stage
Stage 4: Grief /Ambivalence
Core Characteristics of the Grief /Ambivalence Stage
Stage 5: Repair
Core Characteristics of the Repair Stage
Stage 6: Growth
Core Characteristics of the Growth Stage
Frequently Asked Questions
I had no idea! How could I have been so duped?
I feel so despondent about this, and I cannot stop thinking about it. Will I ever get back to normal?
I’m afraid he is going to act out again. What can I expect?
I find my feelings are all over the place. One day I am angry and the next I am sad. How come I can’t trust what I feel from day to day?
I really don’t know that I want to be with a “sex addict,” even if he is in recovery. I don’t know who he is anymore and this isn’t what I signed up for! Why should I stick around? What’s in it for me?
Why should I forgive? I am so angry about what my spouse did. Shouldn’t she ask for my forgiveness? I want true remorse, not “I’m sorry”! When will my spouse get how much she hurt me?
My husband says he is in recovery, but his behaviors do not consistently reflect a recovery lifestyle. I continue to hold him accountable and set boundaries with him, and he follows through about 50 percent of the time. I am fed up. What should I do?
What does my family of origin have to do with this? How did I get here?
Chapter Four: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Patrick J. Carnes, PhD, CSAT
The Problem of Mismatched Stages
Scenario One
Scenario Two
Scenario Three
I cannot imagine trusting like that again. How do I risk like that? Can I shorten the time needed for healing? Can I do the work without involving my partner?
What my spouse did is unforgiveable. Since I know I am going to divorce him, why should I go to treatment with him? Is an immediate divorce ever called for?
So how do I make the decision to stay or leave? How do I know I have done enough to take this step?
Chapter Five: How Do I Set Boundaries and Keep Myself Safe? Cara W. Tripodi, LCSW, CSAT-S
What are boundaries?
Where did I learn how to set boundaries?
Why are boundaries important?
Where do I begin setting boundaries with the sex addict?
Am I establishing boundaries or trying to control behavior?
What should I consider as I begin setting boundaries?
What are some examples of boundaries that people set?
How do I determine what to do if these boundaries are violated?
Creating this boundary and consequence list is going to take some time. What should I do in the meantime?
What happens if I can’t uphold my boundaries or change my mind?
Is it okay to tell my close friends or family about my situation and some of the boundaries I am setting? I feel so alone and want those close to me to know
Safe versus unsafe people
Long-term ramifications
Prepare what you will say
Inform the addict of your intentions
How will setting boundaries help me cope during this difficult time?
Chapter Six: What about Me and My Sexuality? Omar Minwalla, PhD
What happens to the sexuality of the partner or spouse of a sex addict? What’s the impact of sex addiction on the partner’s sexuality, and what can he or she do about it?
The Sexual Trauma Model
Sexual Wounding
Why do I avoid, fear, or lack interest in sex?
Why does sex feel like an obligation?
Why do I participate in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors?
Why do I experience negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt when touched?
Why do I have difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation?
Why do I feel dirty and contaminated?
Why do I feel emotionally distant or not present during sex?
Why do I experience intrusive or disturbing thoughts, images, and flashbacks?
Why do I have trouble establishing or maintaining intimate relationships?
Why do I have vaginal pain or difficulty achieving orgasm?
Why do I have body image issues?
Why do I feel secrecy and shame?
Why do I feel responsible for this victimization?
How do you know if it’s sexual abuse?
Targeting Sexual Trauma among Partners of Sex Addicts
How should I approach my sexuality in early recovery?
Reclaiming Sexuality
Sexual Assertiveness—Finding Your Sexual Voice
When will I be ready to be sexual again?
Couples Trauma-Targeted Sex Therapy
Recovery Is a Journey
Chapter Seven: What Can the Twelve Steps Do for Me? Mavis Humes Baird, BFA, CSAT-S
General Information about Twelve Step Groups. Which meeting should I attend?
Are all fellowships basically the same except for the name?
Can I attend the same meeting as the addict?
What is anonymity?
How do I identify myself during meetings?
Do Twelve Step programs address the issue of blame versus responsibility?
Do I have to speak during the meeting or can I just listen?
What if I’m a male partner and the Twelve Step meetings for partners in my town do not allow men?
I’ll be embarrassed if I see someone I know. Is this something I should worry about?
Learning and Understanding Addiction Terms
What is powerlessness?
What is detachment?
Working a Program. Why are these recovery concepts so difficult?
How can I ever hope to break free from this depressing nightmare?
How do Twelve Step fellowships work?
How much work does recovery involve?
How do I “work” a program?
Will the Twelve Steps teach me about boundaries and accountability?
What is a sponsor?
Will finding a sponsor be difficult?
Do the Twelve Steps help with couples’ issues?
How will my religious beliefs be affected by working the program?
What if I don’t feel a connection with my group?
Conclusion
Chapter Eight: How Can I Begin to Take Care of Myself? Sonja Rudie, MA, LMHC, CSAT, C-EMDR
As you move from disbelief into reality, you’re likely to have many questions. How did I miss this?
My gut told me something was wrong. Why didn’t I listen?
What are some ways I can take care of myself?
My world is falling apart. I don’t have time to take care of myself. What should I do and who can I turn to for help?
Discover Your Worth
Cultivate Healthy Behavior Patterns
Self-Care versus Selfishness
I want to get better. What are my treatment options? Psychiatric Care
Individual Therapy
Groups
Marital and Family Therapy
Inpatient Treatment
How much will treatment cost?
What are my needs?
Meeting Your Wants Can Bring You Joy
How can I rise above this situation and feel stronger?
Part Two: Specific Situations
Chapter Nine: What Should I Tell the Kids? Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S
Should the children be told, or should we try to “protect” them?
I think my child knows something is going on. What should I do?
What is an appropriate age to disclose this type of information?
Alice’s Story
Examples of Language Used in Disclosures
My child is struggling in many areas of his life. I’m worried that learning about his father’s sex addiction will put him over the edge. Should I go through with this disclosure?
My children are young adults. I don’t think they would ever find out unless I told them. Should I bother sharing this information with them?
Can I share with my oldest child, but not his younger sibling?
My partner and I have decided to share this information with the children. How should we do it? How can I make this process easier for them?
My child is now upset. What can I do to help?
My child was exposed directly to my partner’s acting out, what can I do to help her?
My partner and I cannot agree on whether to disclose. What should I do?
Chapter Ten: What Does It Mean if My Partner Has Shown an Interest in Minors? Barbara Levinson, PhD, CSAT-S
Susie’s Story
What is pedophilia?
Can pedophiles be cured?
Sex Offender or Sex Addict?
Will my partner go to jail?
I think I found child pornography on my husband’s computer! How can I be sure? What should I do?
The Internet Trap
What if there is no indication of any computer usage or pornography, but there is a suspicion of interest in children, verbal comments, staring or looking at children, a history of sexual abuse of a child, exposure of genitals, past involvement in the criminal justice system, or admission of incest as a young child?
I’m so embarrassed. How do I get help?
Making the Decision to Stay or Leave. Diane’s Story
The Arousal Template
What do I tell my children, neighbors, family, and friends?
Chapter Eleven: How Does Sex Addiction and Infidelity Affect Gay Couples? Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S
How is sex addiction different in gay men?
All Gay Men Are Not Equal
How is my struggle different as a gay partner?
Mark’s Story
Gay Men and Monogamy
My partner entered recovery and now he wants me to get counseling. Why would I need treatment?
More Than Anger
What is my next step?
Partner Do’s:
Partner Don’ts:
Where do I go for help?
Chapter Twelve: Straight Guise: Is My Partner Gay? Joe Kort, MA, MSW, CSAT
What does it mean when men seek sex with other men?
What are the differences?
What are some reasons men have sex with other men?
Hetero-Emotional, but Homo-Sexual
Sex Workers/Male Escorts
Shame Seekers
Sexual Experimenters
Sexual Addicts
Opportunists
Father-Hunters
Narcissists
Dominants/Submissives
Cuckolds
Homosexually Imprinted
What is erotic intelligence?
Why did I marry a gay man?
What does my family history have to do with this?
Why do gay men marry straight women?
How can I come to terms with disclosure?
On some level, I feel as though this is my fault. How do I keep from blaming myself?
Now that I know, where do I go from here?
Chapter Thirteen: I Have Decided to Go. What Do I Need to Know? Caroline Smith, CSAT-S Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S
Where do I start?
Do obtain professional divorce representation
Do find a therapist and attend therapy sessions
Do take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually
Do show your anger in appropriate ways
Don’t share with your children
Don’t bad-mouth your partner in public
Don’t make the addiction about you
Don’t jump into another relationship right away
Don’t use alcohol, drugs, or food to mask the pain you are in
Take It One Day at a Time
Chapter Fourteen: Can We Make It as a Couple? A Couple Talks about Long-Term Recovery. Virginia Hartman, MA, LPC Paul Hartman, MS, LMFT
What does the addict need to share and what does the partner have a right to know?
My partner is the addict with the despicable behaviors. Why do I have to join in the work?
Why not just move on and not do the work? Is it worth it?
How is it possible to be a couple again?
Is this really going to work?
Will I ever be able to trust my partner again?
Can I ever truly forgive?
Will I ever feel safe enough to be vulnerable with my partner?
Can we ever stop blaming, attacking, and defending?
Can we ever have intimacy in our relationship?
Can we ever experience healthy sexuality together?
Can we ever be on the same page spiritually?
When will all this just come naturally?
When will we stop hurting each other?
The Twelve Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous
Resource Guide
Recommended Reading
Notes
About the Authors
