The Complete Parenting Collection

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Steve Biddulph. The Complete Parenting Collection

The Complete Parenting. Collection. Steve Biddulph. Raising Boys. and Steve Biddulph’s Raising Girls

Contents

Raising boys

Steve Biddulph

Table of Contents

Preface to the new edition

Chapter 1 What is it with boys?

Boys at risk

The good news

The chapter outline for this book

Chapter 2 The three stages of boyhood

The three stages at a glance

From birth to six: the gentle years

Gender differences begin to show

Learning to love

What goes on between mother and baby boy?

PRACTICAL HELP. BOYS AND EARLY CHILDCARE

In short

From six to fourteen: learning to be male

Mums still matter just as much

PRACTICAL HELP. WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE A SINGLE MOTHER

PRACTICAL HELP. FIVE FATHERING ESSENTIALS

In short

PRACTICAL HELP. WHEN BOYS ARE SHORT

Fourteen and onwards: becoming a man

STORIES FROM THE HEART. A LAKOTA INITIATION

What old societies did

STORIES FROM THE HEART. THE STORY OF NAT, STAN AND THE MOTORBIKE

In the modern world

Enlisting the help of others

PRACTICAL HELP. OVERCOMING BOYS’ TENDENCY TO ARROGANCE

What if there is no mentor available?

IN A NUTSHELL

Special announcement: gender differences are real!

PRACTICAL HELP. KNOWING THE DIFFERENCES

PRACTICAL HELP. BOYS AND HEARING

Chapter 3 Testosterone!

The testosterone cycle

Brains go out the window

Each boy is different

PRACTICAL HELP. TEENAGE BOYS AND DRIVING CARS

Why boys scuffle and fight

Boys need order

The key word is structure

PRACTICAL HELP. AMAZING TESTOSTERONE FACTS

How did male and female differences come about?

The links between sex and aggression

Guiding the ‘high-drive’ boys

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 4 How boys’ and girls’ brains differ

A miracle of growth

Why the difference?

PRACTICAL HELP. LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE

Why is it important to know about brains?

Danger: sexism alert!

Helping the brain to grow

PRACTICAL HELP. STARTING SCHOOL: WHY BOYS SHOULD START LATER

KNOWING WHEN TO START

Boys are not inferior – just different

A new kind of man

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 5 What dads can do

Fighting to be a dad

Reviving a lost art

PRACTICAL HELP. MIRROR NEURONS

Kids learn your attitudes

Kids learn to love by watching you

Kids learn to feel by watching you

Whatever happens in your marriage, don’t divorce your kids

STORIES FROM THE HEART. SHOWING OUR FEELINGS

Rough-and-tumble games: what’s really going on?

The big male lesson: knowing when to stop

STORIES FROM THE HEART. WHAT FATHERS DO

Teaching boys to respect women

STORIES FROM THE HEART. IS IT ADD OR DDD (DAD DEFICIENCY DISORDER)?

STORIES FROM THE HEART. LETTER FROM A FATHER

You don’t have to have all the answers

Finding the balance is hard

Dads do matter

PRACTICAL HELP. DADS AND DAUGHTERS

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 6 Mothers and sons

The mother’s background

How we care for our baby boys

Mums help with learning about the opposite sex

Promoting a good self-image

STORIES FROM THE HEART. LETTER FROM A MOTHER

PRACTICAL HELP. LITTLE BOYS’ BODIES

STORIES FROM THE HEART. AT THE SHOPS

Adjusting your mothering to his growing up

The primary school years

At secondary school

Learning through consequences

Single mothering: avoiding conflicts that do harm

PRACTICAL HELP. INTRODUCING A NEW PARTNER

Sharing a boy with his dad

Equality of the sexes

PRACTICAL HELP. BOYS IN THE KITCHEN

MEALS BOYS LIKE TO COOK

OTHER SAFETY TIPS

PRACTICAL HELP. GETTING BOYS TO DO HOUSEWORK!

PREPARING THEM FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING

ENCOURAGING REAL SELF-ESTEEM

CREATING A CHANCE TO GET CLOSE

STORIES FROM THE HEART. MAKING ROOM FOR A DAD TO GROW

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 7 Developing a healthy sexuality

PRACTICAL HELP. RITE OF PASSAGE. A CEREMONY FOR HONOURING THE START OF ADOLESCENCE AND POSITIVE SEXUALITY

STORIES FROM THE HEART. WHEN SEX GOES WRONG: THE CREEP FACTOR

The essential goodness of sex

How people get hurt when sex isn’t honoured

Someone to talk to

How boys feel about girls

How boys shut down their bodies

Keeping things open and positive

PRACTICAL HELP. BOYS WHO WANT TO BE GIRLS

Tenderness is taught

Some practicalities: masturbation and pornography

What if your son is gay?

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 8 A revolution in schooling

1. A later starting age for boys

2. More men of the right kind in schools

PRACTICAL HELP. HOW TO SPOT AN UNDER-FATHERED BOY IN SCHOOL

PRAISE IS THE ANTIDOTE

WHAT ARE YOU, A GIRL?

3. Discipline problems call for our involvement

Bullying

What parents can do

4. Education with energy

5. The headteacher is the key

6. Helping boys with their vulnerable areas

STORIES FROM THE HEART. THE COTSWOLD EXPERIMENT

THE RESULTS?

A GOOD ALTERNATIVE TO SINGLE-SEX SCHOOLS

ESSENTIAL SKILLS FOR BOYS

STORIES FROM THE HEART. HELLO HEADMASTER!

STORIES FROM THE HEART. HOMEWORK HELL

7. Helping boys helps girls, too

8. Role-modelling is how humans learn

STORIES FROM THE HEART. A HIGH SCHOOL DOING A GREAT JOB WITH BOYS

STORIES FROM THE HEART. A PRIMARY SCHOOL DOING A GREAT JOB WITH BOYS

PRACTICAL HELP. HOW TO TELL IF A SCHOOL IS A GOOD ONE FOR BOYS

What are ‘learning difficulties’?

Occupational therapy

Parents make it happen

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 9 Boys and sport

Christmas cricket

The positives of sport

Helping men and boys get close

A safe place to show affection

Lessons for life

STORIES FROM THE HEART. THE TIGER ELEVEN

The negatives

Toxic role models and the ‘jock’ culture

The talent trap

STORIES FROM THE HEART. THE COACH FROM HELL!

What about injuries?

PRACTICAL HELP. ROLE-MODELLING

IN A NUTSHELL

Chapter 10 A community challenge

STORIES FROM THE HEART. LOSING, WINNING AND GRACE

STORIES FROM THE HEART. MEN AT WORK

STORIES FROM THE HEART. INITIATION

Rites of passage

ADHD in boys

PRACTICAL HELP. BOYS AND BINGE DRINKING

About the Author

Author’s notes

Also by Steve Biddulph

Contents

A Letter from Steve

Meet Kaycee and Genevieve

Kaycee’s Story

A Marked and Sudden Change

Genevieve’s Story

A Reality Check

Chapter 1. Creating a Total Girl

The Five Stages of Girlhood

Stage 1: Security – Am I safe and loved? (birth–2 years)

Stage 2: Exploring – Is the world a fun and interesting place? (2–5 years)

Stage 3: People skills – Can I get along with others? (5–10 years)

Stage 4: Finding her soul – Can I discover my deep-down self and what makes me truly happy? (10–14 years)

Stage 5: Stepping into adulthood – Can I take responsibility for my own life? (14–18 years)

Each Stage Asks a Question

GIRLS DO IT DIFFERENTLY – AND FASTER

THINK OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Using the Stages

CLINGY FOR A REASON

UNDER STRESS, WE ALL REGRESS!

In a Nutshell

Chapter 2. Right from the Start (Birth–2 years)

Learning to Connect

People Skills Start Very Young

Growing the PFC

The Gift of Calm

WHAT IS CALMNESS?

Crying and Sleep

You Also Have to Excite Your Baby!

THE HORMONES OF LOVE

HOW TO PLAY WITH A BABY

OUR BABY WILL FIT RIGHT IN (LOL!)

DON’T EDUCATE – JUST ENJOY

In a Nutshell

Chapter 3. Learning to Explore (2–5 years)

No Limits to Girlhood

Enthusiastic Learning

SECURITY LEADS TO EXPLORING

Lots of Arty Stuff Is Free

A SIMPLE ENVIRONMENT IS BEST

Clothes

MATILDA LEARNS NOT TO BE FEARFUL

Nature Is Essential

Three Should Be Free

Choosing Toys

Role Model or Pole Model?, by Paula Joye

MAKING HER STRONG. Raising a Strong Girl Starts Young

Seeing Things Through

Getting Your Daughter to Co-operate

TEACHING HER TO GET IT RIGHT

IT’S ALL ABOUT UNDERSTANDING NEEDS

A POSITIVE MOOD

WHEN IT COUNTS

In a Nutshell

Chapter 4. Getting Along with Others (5–10 years) Making Friends

How Friendship Grows

When Things Go Wrong

UNLIKELY FRIENDS

What Are the Skills of Friendship?

THE SAME-AGE GHETTO

Be a Friendship Role Model

A COUNSELLOR TALKS ABOUT FRIENDSHIPS AND GIRLS

What works?

Emily – Be My Shadow or Else!

What works?

Maya – The Unappreciated Matchmaker

What works?

Alpha Girls

How Feelings Work

Fear – And Listening to Your Intuition

GIRLS AND ASPERGER’S

A SECRET WORD

Anger Is About Being Strong

Sadness Is Real

Joy

Tend and Befriend

AVOIDING DUD FRIENDS

GIRLS AND SPORT

Pre-School Age

Before Adolescence

In Adolescence

WHAT HAPPENS IN PUBERTY?

Breasts

Pubic Hair

Menstruation

Hips

Other Stuff

Celebrate

In a Nutshell

Chapter 5. Finding Her Soul (10–14 years)

Preparation Begins in Earnest

Spark

How About Your Daughter?

Not All Sparks Are Kept Alive

Why It Matters

Actions You Can Take …

A DIFFERENT GROUP OF FRIENDS

A PLACE TO MAKE AND DO

All That You Have Is Your Soul

What Works for Developing Soul?

INTO THE WILD

SHOULD GIRLS HAVE PRIVACY FROM THEIR MUMS?

AUNTIES

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON LOVING …

EARLY PUBERTY, CHEMICALS AND YOUR GIRL

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

WHAT TO DO ABOUT PREMATURE PUBERTY

IF YOUR DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN

The Facts

TEENAGE GIRLS AND SLEEP BY DR MICHAEL CARR-GREGG

What to Do?

Chapter 6. Preparing for Adulthood (14–18 years)

What Makes You an Adult?

PARENTS WHO COP OUT

Initiation Into Womanhood

Even Chores Teach You to Be Adult

Responsibility – The Toughest Lesson There Is

The Real Secret of Adulthood

A Singer Finds Her Soul23

Dreaming Forward

In a Nutshell

Chapter 7. Too Sexy Too Soon

How Happy Sexuality Grows By Itself

THE THREE L’S

THE FACTS

RELATIONSHIPS – HOW YOUNG IS TOO YOUNG?

Stopping the Toxic Flood

Can’t We Just Teach Them to Resist?

NIP AND TUCK

THE PEOPLE WE WORRY ABOUT

What Can We Do?

Step One – No TV in Bedrooms

Step Two – Consciously Decide What You View

Magazines

GIRLS AND DESIRE – WHAT SHOULD YOU TEACH YOUR DAUGHTER?

In a Nutshell

Chapter 8. Mean Girls

Small But Strong

It Takes Three

Speaking Up

The Importance of Bystanders

Everyone Experiences Bullying

Cyberbullying

Where Is This Meanness Coming From?

In a Nutshell

Chapter 9. Bodies, Weight and Food. By Lydia Jade Turner and Sarah McMahon

A Candle Burning at Both Ends

Why Dieting Is Harmful

THE WAY WE ARE MADE

How Fat-Shaming Just Makes Things Worse

The Other Extreme

What To Do Instead

How You Can Help Your Daughter

AN INDUSTRY OUT OF CONTROL

WHAT ARE EATING DISORDERS?

Early Warning Signs

Disordered Thinking

The Actual Behaviours

What to Do

Five Myths About Eating Disorders

In a Nutshell

Chapter 10. Alcohol and Other Drugs

What Parents of Girls Should Know and Teach

The Alcohol Pushers54

Binge Drinking

What to Do?

Esther’s Law

Chapter 11. Girls and the Online World. by Melinda Tankard Reist

Trading Human Contact for Friends You’ve Never Met

All Is Revealed

Tell Me I’m Pretty

Rewarding Exhibitionism

Growing Up in a Pornified World

Encouraged to Harm

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

Chapter 12. Girls and Their Mums

How Role-Modelling Works

BEING A STEPMUM

Cleaning Up Your Act

Maximising Your Example

Letting Go

Home as a Haven

A GREAT FILM ABOUT MOTHERS

In a Nutshell

Chapter 13. Girls and Their Dads

He’s Strong and Safe

He Stays Connected

TRAGICALLY IGNORED

A Practice Man

How Not to Fight with Your Teenage Girl

HEARING HER OUT

RESPECT REALLY MATTERS

NO MORE PRINCESS

THE MAGIC OF ONE TO ONE

BEING CLEARLY NON-SEXUAL

Practical Stuff. Start Young

Find Common Interests

Listen a Lot

Write Notes and Letters

Be a Great Example of Manhood

IF YOU ARE A SINGLE MUM

What Happened to Kaycee?

Postscript

Notes

Contributors and Acknowledgements

About the Illustrator

Also by Steve Biddulph

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Copyright

About the Publisher

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Cover

Title Page

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They want to jump somewhere better and higher, but that place is nowhere in sight.

The Native American people known as the Lakota were a vigorous and successful society, characterised by especially equal relationships between men and women.

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