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Steve Biddulph. The Secret of Happy Parents: How to Stay in Love as a Couple and True to Yourself
The Secret of Happy Parents. How to Stay in Love as a Couple and True to Yourself. Steve and Shaaron Biddulph
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Special Note
Foreword
1 About Us, About You. About Us
Does normal mean ‘screwed up’?
Can a book be a friend?
About You
Is this your life?
PRACTICAL STEP 1: ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUCCESS
A loving life or a lonely life?
The three big questions
The ingredients of a life well lived
PRACTICAL STEP 2: THE ‘GET A LIFE’ QUESTIONNAIRE
A life to be proud of
The root and the flower
THE TWO BATTLES OF MODERN LIFE. The battle for childhood
The battle for marriage
2 Compatibility: The Ways We Connect
Three Kinds of Attraction: Liking, Loving and Lust
Liking: a meeting of minds
What to look for
Loving: the heart connection
Lust: The fire down below
Sex and bonding
Compatibility problems: why men and women sometimes miss
The trouble with ‘New Women’ and ‘New Men’
PRACTICAL STEP 3: CAN YOU HAVE SEX TOO SOON?
Casual sex
Junk sex
Putting It Altogether
PRACTICAL STEP 4: REMEMBER YOUR FRIENDS
3 Why We Choose Who We Choose
You Marry Your Twin. You marry your what?
It’s true of dislikes too
PRACTICAL STEP 5: TAKING BACK YOUR CRITICISMS
How couple relationships show us ourselves
Check your T-shirt
PRACTICAL STEP 6: HOW TO FIND THE PARTNER FOR YOU
4 Commitment: The Freedom You Can Count On
Having a Clear Contract
How Contracts Are Made
Evolving a Contract That’s Right for You
Isn’t Commitment a Kind of Prison?
PRACTICAL STEP 7: DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY
Marriage: Who Dares Wins
A Couple Doesn’t Exist for Itself
5 What Kind of Couple Are You?
The People Who Live in Your Head!
The Child
The Parent
The Adult
When your parts meet theirs!
Being who you want to be
The Four ‘Cs’ of Couple Communication
Caring: Parent → Child
PRACTICAL STEP 8: ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Co-valuing: Parent → Parent
Co-operating: Adult → Adult
Closeness: Child → Child
Balancing the four Cs
PRACTICAL STEP 9: TOUCH AND MASSAGE
PRACTICAL STEP 10: ASSESSING YOUR COUPLE STYLE
Four Cs Questionnaire
Letting Go of Patterns You No Longer Need
The rescuing trap: ‘Where would you be without me?’
Competing: the contest where everyone loses
The disengaged couple: ships that pass in the night
6 How Solving Problems Brings You Closer
Keep on Talking
The Needs Collision
Listen to your feelings
Patterns That Happen Again and Again
PRACTICAL STEP 11: THE STEPS IN YOUR ‘UNFULFILMENT WALTZ’ (or ‘how you don’t get what you want when you want it’)
The ‘No-Compromise’ Route to Fulfilment
How Much Do You Want It?
PRACTICAL STEP 12: GETTING BACK TO HAPPY
7 Fighting Your Way to Closeness. Why Do Couples Fight?
Beyond the Honeymoon Phase
The Deep Barriers to Trust, and How to Overcome Them
PRACTICAL STEP 13: CHOOSING A COUNSELLOR
Making it Safe to Fight
Rules to Fight By
What About the Children?
PRACTICAL STEP 14: CRUNCH TIMES: FIRST AID IN A MARRIAGE CRISIS
In Conclusion
8 Then Along Come the Kids
How Your Children Will Grow You Up
Giving up on perfect
Recycling? Isn’t that about cans?
So that’s why I sometimes feel young
But I had a normal childhood
Key Stages in Your Life and Theirs
Getting birth right
Men becoming fathers
More than a breadwinner
The challenge of toddler defiance
If you were hit as a child
This is the world, I’ll show you how it works
The primary school years
Guarding their space to be happy
PRACTICAL STEP 15: GOOD MANNERS ARE MORE THAN JUST WORDS
Teenage sexuality (aargh!)
Tears for fears
PRACTICAL STEP 16: HOW TO STOP KIDS TAKING OVER
Keep talking
Don’t compete
Excuse Me While I Grow Myself Up
Conscious parenting
9 The Sex-Romance Alliance
The Three Secrets of the Sex-Romance Alliance
1. Romance and Sex Are Two Sides of the Same Coin
PRACTICAL STEP 17: ROOM FOR ROMANCE
How sex and romance got ‘divorced’
The excitement of the chase
Timing is everything
PRACTICAL STEP 18: HARMONY: HOW TO CREATE IT
2. Romance Means Treating Your Lover as a Stranger
PRACTICAL STEP 19: TREATING YOUR LOVER AS A STRANGER
You won’t die
Where do you go to my lovely?
PRACTICAL STEP 20: BEING ALIVE TO TOUCH
Risking being real
PRACTICAL STEP 21: A RITUAL FOR ARRIVING HOME
3. Romance Means Noticing the Beauty. What you notice is what you get
Love in perspective
PRACTICAL STEP 22: HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE
PRACTICAL STEP 23: CHARGING UP
PRACTICAL STEP 24: EMOTIONAL HEALING
10 Advanced Lessons
Why?
Enlightened selfishness
Finding the beauty inside
One Last Story
Fully Living
Appendix. An Important Feminist Message: Don’t Try to find Yourself in Your Lover’s Eyes!
Further Reading
Index
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
Acknowledgements
About the Publisher
