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Thomas A. Gavin. Life at DrTom's: Mostly Humorous Anecdotes by a Mostly Retired Cornell Professor
DEDICATION
PREFACE
Chapter 1: Retired and Clueless, But Loving It
I’m so lonely that Jehovah’s Witnesses are welcome
Retirement and a lapse of personal hygiene
The life of a census enumerator
Do I have to go to Ithaca?
Is it Tuesday or Farmer’s Market day?
Picking up returnable bottles and cans for fun and profit
This blogger admits being on performance-enhancing drugs
I’ll bet you don’t own a pair of orange chaps
The working conditions around here stink
I promise to be more macho
Chapter 2: Little Distractions and Lively Entertainment
The night I spent with Johnnie Walker in Korea
That damn Mike’s Cigars
My own cigars now intimidate me
Sleep talking, the fun I have after dark
Bioprospecting in your own backyard
DrTom’s first Rosh Hashanah
Saturday night at Punk’s Place
Punk’s Place: did we make it home?
Fender-bender in Costa Rica
Pura vida, Costa Rica!
What if the last face you ever saw was David Schwimmer’s?
Walk a mile in my shoes
Thanks for everything! Anna Maria Alberghetti
A memorable New Year’s Eve in Mexico
Chapter 3: Facebook and me
Why I am such a Facebook slut
Coffee, candy bars, and Facebook
What I learned on Facebook the weekend of 2/19/11!!
Sherry C. R. told us that “Marie Antoinette was beheaded for less….” in response to a political outrage by another FB poster. That poor French girl’s head has been used in this way for 200 years. I suggest we let the poor thing rest in peace and not use her “la tête” for a while
“DO NOT COPY or download to your computer without prior written permission from Jack R. B.” This guy had a nice photo of a male Hooded Merganser, but I can’t show it to you, due to his warning. David A. warns Sean: “Sean, look at what the GOP House is passing. This is what they'll do if they win the Presidency and Senate. These aren't cosmetic differences. They're the difference between neoliberal (admittedly bad) and batshit insane.” Now, I’ve been a mammalogist for about 40 years, but I knew nothing about bat shit making you insane. Exactly how does that work? Mark L. asks “Anyone remember what this green stuff underneath the snow is called?” Mark L., you must be a student who never sees any money, but you were lucky enough to find a $20 bill. Way to go buddy. The Ottawa Senators tells us: “Just a reminder to bring a pack of diapers to tonight's game against the Bruins & win great prizes! Check out this amazing cause by learning more at: http://huggies.nhl.com/.” Are you kidding me? I quit carrying diapers around more than 25 years ago, and I’m not starting up again now. This is why I never attend hockey games. They are as insane as bat shit. What I learned on Facebook on President’s Day 2011!
Aside from the misspelled words and poor grammar in Marwa W. El-F.’s statement, I refuse to marry a woman who whines incessantly about needing a man. (P.S. There is no way anyone will know who this woman is, given the way I abbreviated her last name.) Lorraine D. informs all of us who never took an astronomy course: “However long the night, the dawn will break” (African proverb)
Narine H. advises “Always act as you are waring (sic) an invisible crown.” I tried this yesterday, and it worked. The pawn broker looked at me like I was crazy, and refused to give me any money for the diamond-studded thing I told him I had on my head. Wesley S., a former student of mine, announced “Hi all I went to a party at 7pm and I am still drunk please comment when you see this.” Given that it was only 7:05pm when Wesley S. posted this, it must have been one hell of a party. And what comment could I possibly offer? Drink slower! Ruth S. puts all men on notice with “Whatever u give a woman she will make it greater. Give her sperm, she will give u a baby. Give her a house, she will give u a home. Give her groceries, she will give u a meal. Give her a smile and she will give u her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if u give her crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. Hope 2 see every girl on my friend list repost this :)” But I’m not sure this system that Ruth S. describes is all that fair. I have given my wife sperm thousands of times, and she has given me only three babies. What I learned on Facebook during a snowstorm on 2/25/11!
Anna V. R. announces “Day 1 of my raw food lunch deliveries - sushi and kale chips and cauliflower rice! With wheat free sauce!” Congratulations Anna V. R., you have apparently developed the perfect low-cal, low-carb, low-fat, and absolutely taste-less, meal. You should write a cookbook full of these recipes, but make the pages ink-less as well. Cathy F. offers “Start with the end in mind and the journey will be easy. Clear your mind of the obstacles, focus, have a clear vision of how it would be or look like. You must Dream big, be clear on your goals and remember I m possible. Have an AWESOME day FRIENDS !!!” It used to be “I’m OK. You’re OK.” But apparently the new mantra is “I’m possible. You’re possible.” Elizabeth L.-A. says “There are 2 types of people in the world, those that sit at home on the couch watching TV, eating popcorn and gaining weight by the minute, And then there are those that read books like "Success in 10 Steps" so they can learn the skills to be successful in Network Marketing. http://elarmy.mentoringforfree.com/” Help me out here Elizabeth L.-A. In which of these categories do the peasants of Ethiopia, or the rebels in Libya, or the monks of Tibet fall? Issaree S. says “There's only TWO types of people in the world; the ones that entertain and the ones that observe. Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl. DON'T like the backseat, gotta be first!" OK. Now stop. Issaree S. and Elizabeth L.-A. need to get together and decide once and for all how many types of people there are in the world. However, if what Issaree S. means by her second category is that she reads Elizabeth L.-A.'s book, then there would be only three types of people in the world. Lark M. warns us “If you hoot with the owls, you can’t soar with the eagles.” I’m totally confused now. I thought if you walked with turkeys you could not soar with eagles. Besides, owls are thought to be really intelligent and wise; eagles are big dumb brutes. No thanks Lark M. I’ll just keep on hooting. Doc Karen P. L. puts us on notice “Give me a little time. I'll be poking some people soon. Hope you've got what it takes to receive it.”
Alice B. wonders “why can't people understand how to use a traffic circle? Clearly posted is a yield sign not a stop sign! This means you don't have to stop unless a vehicle is already in the circle and you cannot enter safely...Idiots!! Now that I've vented hope everyone has a Happy Friday!” Yea, I wonder about this all the time. When I approach a traffic circle, I usually zip directly to the inner lane, go around the entire circle three or four times as fast as I can to build up centrifugal force, and then fling out into the outer lane before exiting the circle light-headed and giddy with excitement
Now that I’ve copied your Facebook quote to use here, POOF!, I have already forgotten your name Joyce. What I learned on Facebook during the first week of March 2011!
DrTom gets an official warning from Facebook
Chapter 4: A Sense of Place
I love my property
In Denver, and I’m homesick
Tending my firewood garden
The wheelbarrow or Deepak Chopra?
What in the world is Danby?
On mowing the lawn
Move to the city—please!
Chapter 5: Organisms I Have Known
Gulliver, the red-eyed vireo
The toad who loved traps
The scorpion house
The taming of the shrew
CarRider, the black-tailed deer
Zeus, King of Sleep
The pooping Labrador retriever
Tanya, the Cujo of Rice Avenue
Cats: Our feline friends, or are they?
The phoebe and the porch light
Does touching a bird’s nest cause the female to abandon it?
Hay fever and the evolution of pollination
Homage to Amelanchier
Natural mortality in deer: the inescapable comparison to humans
Chapter 6: Flowers, Fruit, Fungus, and Frustration
Compost: the Holy Grail
Fungal spores and Japanese insects
On the human nose as a dispersal mechanism for small organisms
A riot of Rudbeckia
The myth of the Ugandan banana plant and the value of Wikipedia
Canning pears as fast as I can
On the importance of homemade strawberry jam
Chapter 7: Learning Natural History DrTom’s Way
The big sting
The passive approach to nature education
Birding “au naturelle”
When a snake bites your student on his buttocks
The color-blind naturalist
The stress that university students endure
Chapter 8: I’m Parenting (and grandparenting) as Fast as I Can
Justifiable child abuse, or the tale of the look-alike shoes
The dispersal of human offspring
“Don’t date a stripper from Vegas!”
Our grown children are having all the fun
Estonian: the root language of Homo sapiens
My grandson, ants, and E.O. Wilson
Grandpa meets Chucky
Exploring outdoors with a young child: the walk without “no-no’s”
"In the end we will conserve only what we love. We love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught." Baba Dioum
Chapter 9: The Wife You Save May Be Your Own
A brief anatomy of a 41-year marriage
My wife, the amenity thief
Under cover of darkness: the hideous clothes we wear to bed
DrTom goes shopping for wedding clothes
The secrets we keep from our spouses
Chapter 10: Senescence Sucks
Prologue
The urologist
Hiatal hernia
The virtues of Versed
The sleep clinic
My wife now sleeps with Darth Vader
The final chapter
Chapter 11: The World According To DrTom
Why Muammar Qaddafi is only a Colonel
The quality of sweet corn and pie crust is just the tip of the iceberg
Results of an unreplicated sweet corn experiment
Let’s talk about the word “data”
The time we save: charcoal vs. gas for bbq
Everyone is selling something all the time
Is the behavior of sports fans explainable?
What do Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, and Moulay Ismail have in common?
Swine flu: avoiding everyone and everything
Cell phones: the device I love to hate
Is life better with cell phones or is it just different?
What do cigar smoking and global warming have in common?
I hate irises
Just not that into you?
Does God watch the Rose Bowl?
Not the Super Bowl again!
How the customer in a mall is like a predator-prey system
The secret to living longer, or at least thinking you do
Chapter 12: Life Is All About Making Memories
The milkman’s son
Robert Penrod Gavin: Is benevolent behavior outdated?
On Roger Maris, baseball, and heroes
I sold my trumpet on eBay today
Motivation: what you need to learn the Korean language
The symbolic chairs of Cornell and Costa Rica
What every 17-year old should consider
Memories of the Masai Mara
The Odd Couple goes West
The incredible cinnamon buns of Frank the cowboy
The 60s, and other memories of the way it used to be
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
AUTHOR BIO
