The Problem Was Me

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Thomas Ph.D. Gagliano. The Problem Was Me

Acknowledgments

Preface

Introduction

Chapter One: Damaged Goods

Chapter Two: I Am the Problem

Money and My Attempts to Fix the Emptiness Inside

Victim Thinking

Gambling and Attempting to Fix the Emptiness Inside

The Resulting Destructive Behavior

Womanizing and Attempting to Fix the Emptiness Inside

The Power of an Inner Voice

I Am My Father’s Son

Gratitude and Acceptance

Chapter Three: Enter the Warden

Messages that Drive Our Behavior

Stage One: Wounds of Defectiveness

Stage Two: Fear

Stage Three: Victim Thinking

Stage Four: Isolation and Loneliness

Stage Five: Self-righteousness or Self-pity

Stage Six: Entitlement

Stage Seven: Delusion

Stage Eight: Destructive Behaviors

Chapter Four: Intrusive Messages

Puzzling Behavior

The Power of Authority Figures

Normal and Irrational Fear

Toxic Shame

Lack of Trust

Perfectionism as a Way of Life

Pete

Control Was Part of Survival

Caretaking

Sara

Alex

Distorted Anger

Selfishness

Chapter Five: Childhood Wounds

Morris

The Mask We Wear

Hank

Mask of Victimhood

Murray

Mask of Superiority

Paul

Mask of Uniqueness

Jimmy

Emotional Wounds Beneath the Masks

Healthy Treatment for Wounds

Not Giving Away My Power to Others

Chapter Six: Silencing the Negative Inner Voices

A Good Person Doesn’t Make Mistakes

A Good Person Does Not Get Angry with His Parents

Rory

Inner Voices of Failure

I Don’t Deserve Happiness

Mario

Destructive Voices

Jerry

You Do Not Need Others

You Can Behave as You Please

Mel

Nobody Will Ever Be There for You

You Are Different from Others

You Are a Victim

Your False Pride Is Acceptable

Chapter Seven: Trusting Others

The Problem

The Solution

Working the Solution

Disclosure

Chapter Eight: ACTION!

The Stakes Are Higher for People with Destructive Behaviors

Gary

Displacement

A Written Inventory

Ernie

Joining a Support Group

Getting the Most from a Support Group

Doing the Next Right Thing

The Power of Personal Inventories

Celebrate Victories

Beware of Complacency

Written Inventories

Taking an Inventory

Self-Reliance

Willpower

Suggestions for Struggling Couples

Guidelines for Forming a Support Group

Trust and Safety

Talk about Your Life Challenges

Helping Others Feel Accepted

Reaching Out

Talk about Solutions

Allow Your Voice to Be Heard

Chapter Nine: Old Beliefs Versus New Beliefs

Old and New Belief System Stages

Chapter Ten: The Most Precious Gift of All, Our Children

The Freedom to Cry in the Arms of One’s Father

Chapter Eleven: Forgiveness And Spirituality

Praying until I Got It Right

Spiritual Fuel

Asking for Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Chapter Twelve: Parting Words

My Wife

My Children

My Mother

God

Me

Appendix A

About the Author

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I am grateful to and proud of my wife and children for their willingness and courage in allowing this book to come to fruition. Their faith that this book could help others was a vital source of strength for me. A special thanks to Tony, who has always been there to cheer me on, especially when I felt this book would never become a reality. Tony, along with Robert and Joe, supplied me with the support I needed to keep going, especially when my warden was telling me I would never be able to follow this through. Thanks to everyone in my support system who have journeyed along with me as we have silenced our wardens’ commands together. These people have always been an important part of my life, and they are important contributors to this book.

When I was in psychiatric training and assigned to report on Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain, I was deeply impressed by Mann’s insights. I recall asking my professor if Thomas Mann was a physician. His response, “Don’t be silly. No doctor could be that sensitive.”

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•Do you have destructive behaviors that hurt you or others, but still feel entitled to continue your addictive behavior?

•Do you give away your power to others by letting them determine how you feel about yourself?

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