Getting to Yes with Yourself: And Other Worthy Opponents

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William Ury. Getting to Yes with Yourself: And Other Worthy Opponents

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Introduction. The First Negotiation

Our Worthiest Opponent

Six Challenging Steps

How to Use This Book

Put Yourself in Your Shoes

See Yourself from the Balcony

Listen With Empathy

Uncover Your Needs

From Self-Judgment to Self-Understanding

Develop Your Inner BATNA

Own Your Life

Own Your Relationships

Own Your Needs

From Blame to Self-Responsibility

Reframe Your Picture

Remember Your Connection to Life

Make Your Own Happiness

Appreciate Life’s Lessons

From Unfriendly to Friendly

Stay in the Zone

Learn to Let Go

Accept the Past

Trust the Future

Embrace the Present

From Resistance to Acceptance

Respect Them Even If

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Expand Your Circle of Respect

Respect Them Even if They Reject You

From Exclusion to Inclusion

Give and Receive

Give for Mutual Gain

Give for Pleasure and Meaning

Give What You are here to Give

From Win-Lose to Win-Win-Win

Conclusion. The Three Wins

A Win Within

A Win With Others

A Win for the Whole

Winning the Game of Life

Notes

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Also by William Ury

About the Publisher

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To my teachers—with profound gratitude

Title Page

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Listening to yourself with empathy goes one level deeper than observing. To observe is to see from the outside, whereas to listen is to feel from the inside. Observing offers you a detached view, whereas listening gives you an intimate understanding. Observation gives us the understanding of a scientist studying what a beetle looks like under a microscope, whereas listening gives you the understanding of what it feels like to be a beetle. You can benefit from both modalities together. Anthropologists have found that the best way to understand a foreign culture is to participate in it actively and at the same time to maintain an outside observer’s perspective. I find this method, called participant observation, is equally useful when it comes to understanding ourselves.

As I listen to myself, I notice that the majority of my problematic emotions are the same every day. For example, one anxiety that pops up regularly concerns the daily to-do list that only seems to expand: Will I be able to get through it? To understand and reduce the intensity of these recurring feelings, I have come up with a daily exercise: In the morning, I imagine sitting at a kitchen table. As each familiar thought or emotion such as anxiety or fear, shame or pride shows up, I offer it an imaginary seat. I have learned to welcome all customers, no one excluded. I seek to treat them as the old friends or acquaintances that they are. As the kitchen table fills up, I listen to the free-flowing conversation of feelings and thoughts.

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