Читать книгу Sorting Out The Chaos - CJ NORRIS - Страница 1

Where to even start? My mind is clouded with good and not so good memories, trauma, love, anger, a missing of who I thought I was yet a determination to never be her again and so much more. The realization that the world doesn't work the way I thought it did is a devastatingly life changing event which is difficult to accept sometimes. It was almost like when you watch one of those movies that portrays how a characters' life is one way… this one way is the way the world works, this one way is how we're supposed to live… only to find out there was a whole great big world outside of their little bubble and now that the wool has been pulled back from over their eyes, they're faced with navigating through the waters of adolescence, but sadly, as a grown adult. I still feel like I'm 17 years old - in the way I see people, the way I spend money, the way I grocery shop and cook, the way I interact with others, the way my mind needs time to process what is going on around me…and so much more that I can't really put into words yet. I am constantly being commented to about how naive I am, how childish I think and how sheltered I've been. I don't understand these comments as I am almost 40 years old now and just these past few years am realizing that I have never really lived. I am hungry to explore, hungry to get to know myself, hungry to live a life of value and contribution, yet also hungry to just grieve, rest and allow my mind to heal.

As I sat in the church that day, in shock, I listened as some cried, wailing in grief and anger, some just sat silently looking around in disbelief and some just got up and left. A flood of memories began to trickle into my mind…times I spent with each of them bearing the most vulnerable parts of me, times I put my trust, time, sweat, gave them my love, my food, my money investing in this ministry, investing in the lives of people around me…all to find out they left. My pastor left his family, his wife of 40 years, left his church, left all of us behind, he left with his secretary. They just left. She was someone I had considered to be one of my closest friends and confidants. We were not blood related but I considered her as one of my sisters. I shared my goals with her, my fears, my crushes, my dreams, my finances… I shared my life with her and now she's gone, with him, and all I was told was that they wanted to build a life together and that they said the church was a “dead work”.

Looking back, I now see this as it is and can recognize the steps taken for them to get to this point but in the moment of reveal, my mind just sat in sorrow and disbelief. This book is meant to help those that have experienced betrayal and narcissistic gaslighting abuse. To help you heal and realize there was absolutely nothing you did wrong. It's meant for hope and freedom to tell the world that it does not end when they leave. It's been a journey, a long, difficult, trying journey where I have wanted to run away from everything and live alone up on a mountaintop never open to trusting another human again. But that's not where your or my story ends…this life is beautiful, crazy, sad, sickening, exciting and worth living.

Please don't give up.