Читать книгу The Secret To Happiness - Jessica Redland - Страница 14

When Alison arrived home from Danniella’s, she started preparing a chilli for dinner. What an unexpected afternoon! She’d made a friend and she’d signed up to bootcamp. How would Dave react to that? Would he be proud of her? She sighed. No, he’d probably laugh.

And what about seeing Aidan again after all these years? He hadn’t changed at all. A few more laughter lines around his eyes and creases on his forehead perhaps, but still gorgeous.

While most of her classmates had continued their education at the local sixth-form college, Alison had taken a BTEC in Travel and Tourism at Whitsborough Bay TEC. Fed up of being a loner at school, she’d hoped to put the past behind her and finally make some new friends – ones who didn’t know what had happened. Waiting in the corridor before her very first class, though, everyone seemed to know each other and Alison felt sick with nerves as she pressed herself against the wall, fighting the urge to flee.

A tutor appeared and announced that the seat they chose would be theirs for the next two years so they should pick carefully. Alison sat down and watched with a sinking heart as the other seats filled and the one beside hers remained empty. And then it happened. The most attractive boy she’d ever seen stood over her and smiled. ‘I’m hoping that seat’s got my name on it,’ he said.

‘What’s your name?’ she asked, butterflies stirring in her stomach.

‘Aidan.’

She grabbed her pen, scribbled his name on her pad, ripped the page off and placed it on the seat beside her. ‘Wow! Look at that. Destiny.’

Aidan laughed. ‘Definitely destiny. Looks like I’m all yours for the next two years.’

The butterflies in Alison’s stomach danced. All hers. She could live with that.

Only he never was hers. They spent every moment at college together, becoming steadily closer, but Aidan had a girlfriend who went to the sixth form. When they split up over the October half-term break in the first year, Alison wondered if she stood a chance, but nothing ever happened. By the time she met Dave in the May, she’d resigned herself to only ever being Aidan’s friend. If he’d seen her as anything more, he’d have made his move. Over the past few years, though, she’d occasionally wondered what if…?

‘Are you still playing rugby tomorrow?’ Alison asked Dave over their evening meal.

He gave her a withering look as he scooped up a forkful of chilli and rice. ‘You know I am.’

She speared a kidney bean with her fork and pushed a few grains of rice round the edge of her plate with it. ‘Do you think you’ll always play rugby?’

‘Oh yeah. I’m sure I’ll still be playing in my seventies cos it’s such a gentle game,’ he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘Perfect for old gits.’

‘I didn’t mean that,’ Alison protested. ‘It’s just that you loved rugby at school and college and you still play now, but I loved hockey just as much and I don’t play it anymore and—’

‘That’s because you’re too fat.’

‘Dave!’ She could have laughed it off if he’d said it jokingly, but his tone was cruel, just like when he’d talked about her in shorts or a bikini. If he was trying to hurt her, he was certainly succeeding.

‘What?’ He shoved another forkful of food into his mouth and showered bits of rice onto the table as he spoke. ‘You want me to lie and say that you’re curvy or cuddly instead? You were when we met but you’re not now. You’re a right chubba now.’ He took a swig of his lager. ‘You’re not thinking of joining a hockey club again, are you? Jesus, Ali, they’d need an ambulance on standby. Imagine if you fell on one of the lasses in a bad tackle. You’d crush them. Unless you bounced.’ He laughed loudly. ‘Oh, what an image that is.’

‘It’s not funny.’

‘It is. You bouncing around the hockey pitch? Boing, boing.’

She stared at him, open-mouthed.

‘Come on, Ali. What’s wrong with you? You used to have a sense of humour.’

‘And so did you.’ Alison pushed her barely-touched plate of chilli aside and stood up. ‘I’m going next door. I’m babysitting for Eden.’

‘You’ve hardly touched your tea.’

‘I wouldn’t worry about that,’ she snapped. ‘After all, a chubba like me has plenty of fat reserves to keep me going.’ She stormed out of the kitchen, grabbed her bag from the hall, and slammed the front door.

Standing on the doorstep, she shook with rage. How could he possibly think he was being funny? She used to laugh at comments about her weight. She’d giggle senselessly and tell him he was hilarious. She’d even made jokes herself. It wasn’t funny anymore, though, and he’d definitely crossed a line this evening. Had he crossed it long ago and she’d never realised? Had her absolute devotion and adoration of him helped create the man he’d become? A man who thought fat-shaming was funny? A man who, as Chelsea had quite rightly pointed out, didn’t treat her well?

‘I couldn’t remember whether you were going out at seven or half past,’ Alison said when Rachel answered the door at ten to seven, though she knew full well it was the latter.

Rachel smiled. ‘Half past but feel free to make yourself at home while I finish getting ready.’ She opened the lounge door then called up the stairs, ‘Eden! Alison’s here.’

Alison heard a door open and footsteps on the stairs. Eden had recently turned twelve and was nearly as tall as Alison, but she wasn’t averse to a bear hug. ‘Our Karen says you’re starting her new bootcamp,’ Eden said, hurling herself at Alison.

‘Yeah, but I’m not sure it was a good idea.’

Eden let go and pulled Alison over to the sofa. ‘Why not?’

Biting her lip, Alison hesitated. She’d always been careful not to put herself down in front of Eden, not wanting her to be affected by hang-ups over body image at such an impressionable age. ‘I’m not very fit,’ she said eventually. ‘I couldn’t even run for a bus.’

‘Isn’t that, like, the point of bootcamp? To get you fit and help you run?’

Alison shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

‘Totes! I bet you a new lipstick that, in two months’ time, my sister will have you running at least half a mile. Maybe even a mile.’ Eden held out her fist towards Alison who laughed and bumped it with her own. A twelve-year-old girl supported and believed in her. Would Dave? Highly unlikely, considering his cruel comments earlier.

As soon as Eden had settled in bed, Alison found herself replaying the ugly scene with Dave and the doubts set in. Damn him! She reached for her phone. She’d felt guilty that she hadn’t taken Sarah up on her offer of support but there was no time like the present. Right now, she needed it.

✉︎ To Sarah

Sorry I haven’t been in touch since the chocolate amnesty. My willpower didn’t make it to the end of that day. Thought you might like to know that I’ve signed up to a bootcamp starting on Tuesday. Not sure what possessed me and panicking I can’t do it but I’ve paid my money so bring it on! Xx

Sarah rang moments later.

‘Oh my God! Bootcamp? I am so excited for you. Tell me more.’

So Alison did and, as she chatted, she realised that she was excited too. This was new. It was different. It was exciting.

‘If I can lose weight, so can you,’ Sarah said. ‘Repeat after me, “I can do it!”’

‘I can do it.’

‘And now say it as though you actually believe it.’

‘I can do it!’

‘Again. Louder.’

‘I CAN DO IT!’

Sarah laughed. ‘Yes, you can. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.’

When Rachel returned, they chatted over coffee and she was just as supportive as Eden and Sarah had been. Alison left the house on a high but, as soon as she stepped onto her own doorstep, she felt the positive energy slipping away and running down the street. He was going to ruin it. He’d have a field day talking about her starting a tsunami by running along the beach or something equally nasty. She hated the thought of keeping secrets but she wasn’t going to tell him about bootcamp. Why give him the ammunition? He’d find out eventually but, for now, she’d keep it quiet.

Taking a deep breath, she unlocked the front door and tiptoed up the stairs. Dave was in bed and his breathing was deep and regular. Asleep. Phew!

Getting ready for bed as quietly as she could, Alison crept under the duvet, taking care not to knock into him.

‘You went to Rachel’s half an hour early,’ he said.

Damn! Awake. ‘How do you know that?’

‘It was on the calendar.’

‘Oh.’ Since when had Dave ever paid any attention to what was written on the kitchen calendar?

Silence. Alison could feel him staring at her but she refused to turn over.

‘Why did you go early?’ he asked.

‘I got my times mixed up.’

‘You’re usually good with stuff like that.’

‘Yeah, well, I can’t be perfect all the time.’

Silence.

‘Why did you really go?’ Dave asked, his tone gentle. ‘Was it because of what I said?’

Alison lay in the darkness, pulling the duvet up to her chin.

‘It was, wasn’t it?’

Silence.

‘Ali?’

She turned over to face him, her eyes adjusting to the gloom. ‘If you must know, yes. I know I’m fat and I hate myself enough for that without you calling me names.’ She went to turn over again but he placed his arm on hers, stopping her.

‘I had a shite day,’ he said. ‘You got the brunt of it.’

She sighed. ‘I always do, Dave.’

‘I know. I shouldn’t have said those things about your weight.’

Her eyes clouded with tears. ‘No, you shouldn’t. You were nasty to me. Really nasty.’

‘I’m sorry.’ He reached out and gently stroked her cheek. ‘I don’t know why I said it. I didn’t mean it. You’re still my favourite girl.’

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. Still his favourite girl? Raised in a dysfunctional family full of animosity, Dave had always struggled to voice his emotions. Calling her his ‘favourite girl’ was his way of saying ‘I love you’. Yet he hadn’t said it for months. Possibly years.

‘Even though I’m a chubba?’ she whispered.

‘You’re beautiful.’

He drew her face closer to his and gently kissed her. Alison’s heart started to race and she felt her whole body react to his tender touch.

‘Dave, I…’

‘Shh,’ he whispered, moving in for another kiss. He stroked his hand down her arm, his palm grazing her breast.

A soft moan escaped from Alison’s lips. This was the Dave she remembered; the tender, loving Dave from the early days and that holiday. Every time he lashed out at her after a bad day at work, or simply because he was in a bad mood – which was nearly all the time – she thought about that man who she’d fallen in love with when she was only seventeen, the man who’d been there for her at a time when she’d so desperately needed someone. Occasionally she got glimpses of him and those rare moments were what kept her going.

As he pushed her nightshirt up over her breasts so that he could gently kiss and caress her, she pushed aside his cruel words. As his kisses trailed down to her stomach, she pushed aside his laughter. And as his tongue slipped between her legs, sending jolts of electricity through her, she focused only on the good times. Long ago. This rare glimpse of the man she adored wouldn’t last long so she needed to make the most of it and completely surrender to him.

But as Alison lay awake in the early hours, listening to Dave’s gentle breathing, a thought popped into her head that simply wouldn’t go away: what did he want from her? He’d gone from cruel to attentive in the space of a few hours; something didn’t add up.

Even more disturbing, why was she thinking that way?