Читать книгу Wanderlust: A Tiny Isle in the Northern Sea - Katja Just - Страница 7

In love, engaged, married - that's probably how it would have happened if everything had come as planned. I was in love just before I moved to the Hallig, and a future together was within reach. An engagement would have been about time, as long as this out-of-fashion tradition was still actively lived. But in the end it didn't happen. The opposite was true. All plans rejected - I sat on the Hallig, 25 years young, all dreams of common future and family in the bucket, of being in love and an engagement no trace. Now what?

For now, there were only two choices: Either hold on to your dreams and wait for an apparent happy end to come after all, or look reality in the eye and throw yourself into new tasks. The happy ending thing was the wish of my heart! First of all, I actually wanted to hold on to it. But it quickly became clear to me that fairy tales and hallig life don't go together. Reality just looks different. So the mind had to do persuasion work - personified in my mother. She finally gave me the push in the right direction. That was anything but harmonious or even simple. With 25 years quasi back into the care of the parents. Out of freedom and independence, into dependence. That's actually how it felt at first. A new, rosy life was far away. Now it was all about finding myself new. To realize what love means to me and what I expect from it. Becoming aware of myself was one of my new tasks.

The new way led me first to the mainland again. For a few weeks I was able to work as an intern at the Hotel Rosenburg in Husum. I wanted to be active in the kitchen and learn from the bottom up what it takes to run a house with satisfied holiday guests. The professional cooperation of the team, the leadership by the superiors, the contacts to suppliers and customers - all this I could observe and experience from this angle. It was a great time, and I took a lot out of it.

In summer 2001 I went to Hanerau-Hademarschen for one year. In the vocational school for housekeeping in rural areas I wanted to build on the internship in the hotel. The school advertised with a pilot project at that time. For the first time she offered the qualification of a housekeeper with trainer qualification in a two-year training course. Theory and practice in the areas of food science, gardening and laundry care are intensively taught here. Normally one decides for this school either directly after the usual school education or after an education in the housekeeping or nursing area. I was not eligible for either of these preconditions. However, the headmistress at the time wanted to support me and put in a good word for me. I should start as a career changer. I was completely out of touch with practice, but the recognition of my previous activities meant that I was given a probationary period. So I went back to school at the age of 25, into the underclass III. The students of the parallel classes were on average 16 and also my class teacher was younger than me. That was already a challenge! My classmates were fortunately all a bit older, about twenty, because they had already completed their education, as were the students from the two upper classes. Although there were two male registrations for the start of school, we girls were finally among us. It was a stark contrast to my life situation, which I still had about a year earlier. Coming from Munich from the global Lufthansa Technik group, coming from a male domain, with a short stopover on Hooge, directly to the Landfrauenschule in Hanerau-Hademarschen - well, anyone can do it!

Since I had a very long journey coming from the Hallig, I was not interested in intermediate journeys. Renting an apartment was not a cheap solution for me either, so I was able to enjoy boarding school life late in the day. The old masonry with the mighty creaking wooden staircase, the large white windows and the pointed tower on the roof has its own charm. This school has now celebrated its centenary. Since I didn't go home every weekend and then stayed alone in the boarding school most of the time, I had the feeling from time to time that I was the hostess. It gave me pleasure to be able to walk alone through the huge corridors and absorb the pleasant peace. Normally the students went home on Friday afternoons and came back on Sunday afternoons or evenings. The weekly timetable started early in the morning, depending on whether you had a leading role for the week or not. The bosses always had to be the first in the kitchen, garden or laundry area. It started around six o'clock. The others arrived at 7.50 a.m., but breakfast had to be finished. The timetable was usually full to bursting until 17 o'clock. For lunch we sat together in the large dining room, in the evening it was only those who lived in the school.

I was very lucky with my classmates. Without this community I would not have been able to do the first year. We learned together, went out, spent some of the weekend together in the boarding school and one or the other visited me in the holidays on the Hallig and some contact has held until today. They gave me the nickname "grandma" and I was elected student representative. When it came to getting ready for a party or voting on who had the hottest Kalenderboy hanging on the wall in their own room, no differences were made. Besides a lot of learning material and the usual girl-fat wars there was also a lot of fun. My personal account life experience filled this year by a large amount. This does not only apply to subjects such as nutrition and health. All the formulas and detailed textures of various foods - that already bordered on ecotrophology. I learned a lot there.

To go back one step in my life was another new experience. Above all, however, I had to deal with the themes of letting go and serenity during the year. In the previous year I had let go of so many familiar and loved things that sometimes it hurt and I also felt alone. The school time distracted to a large extent, but there were also situations, there it caused exactly the opposite.

At the end of the year, after a good four months in school, I finally got the message that my certificates were accepted and that I had passed my probationary period. The different school systems of our federal states brought their difficulties with them even in the deepest Dithmarschen. So one came to the decision that I could complete the first year of the project, but that I was not allowed to go the way I had announced. Now it was time for me to do an eight-month internship in the hospitality industry after my first year at school. Then I could start the second school year and finish it with the qualification as a trainer. That was a setback! Hooge's absence of two years should now become almost three years. And I wouldn't be with my class in the second year of school anymore, in my eyes that wasn't possible at all. So that would not only have meant new comrades, but also that I would have been 28 and the others around 17, so I would have been promoted to "great-grandmother". The school was not interested, it decided that the degree as a career changer could not be achieved in two years. Period! Thus the project and the original goal had died for me. I was not prepared to take another step backwards, especially not without the support of my now familiar team, my class community. Added to this was the situation on Hooge. Our planning for the takeover was for two years and not three. To knock everything over again would not only have had a financial impact, but it would also have meant that my mother could not have cared for her mother, who at that time was gradually in need of care and whom she visited regularly on the mainland. So after one year I finished school with the degree of a state-certified economist.

With a large suitcase, two boxes and a basket filled with memories and experiences as well as the calendar page, from which the hot Augustboy I favoured winked encouragingly at me, I left my little room at school and now moved back to Hooge for a second time, back to the two-room apartment at Ockenswurft. It was only now that I could calmly review the past year and listen to what was changing and, above all, whether I had changed. The school days had been an excellent distraction. The heartache was no longer present, the open wounds healed slowly. Often I looked at my Augustboy and said to him: "Besides you there is also the Septemberboy, the Januaryboy, the Märzboy and so on". I could laugh again. Although all these calendar men did not exist in reality, because I lived now on a Hallig and not in Los Angeles, but I had managed to let go of my old love. The openness and desire for something new were there again. It would take quite a while before I would not only accept the situation, but also live it, but from now on I approached the subject of love more calmly.

About half a year later I had to move out of my flat and was asked to take care of my own needs. Of the two years that I had lived here, I had spent almost a year on the mainland, so I hadn't really settled here. It was packing boxes again. At that time there was no other rental apartment on the Hallig for me. The result was that I moved into my parents' house and turned the back room, the Pesel, into my room. My furniture came to Husum in the house where my grandmother now lived. My mother went to her more and more often, but she still had her life center on Hooge. My stepfather was currently still active in politics and so both did not yet want to withdraw completely from the house. That's how we came together. I stuck my August calendar man to the wall of the alcove in which I would now have my sleeping chamber for almost a year.

"It's a good thing you only exist on paper," I said to him. "If there were two of you, the alcoves would be too narrow in the long run."

The narrow cupboard bed has in contrast to those in the holiday apartments only a width of ninety centimeters and a length of one meter ninety. So I talked myself the situation nicely - being single also has its advantages!

Finally I registered at the IHK for a seminar for business start-ups, which took place on several weekends in Flensburg. So I was on the road a lot again and threw myself once more into the learning work. When that too was over and I had finally officially taken over the rental business of my parents, I sat there again, looked at my calendar man and took stock: My thirtieth birthday was approaching and I was still single.

"What on earth has happened in the last five years, where has time gone, where has my life gone and does everything here have any sense at all", I asked the man on the sheet on the wall, who of course, as always, gave me no answer. After a moment of reflection, it was me who winked at him because I had found my own answers and my upcoming birthday was the perfect date to graduate.

My life companions were invited to this special day. All of them stood for an outstanding phase in my life. Some phases reach to the present, others belong to the past. So there were friends, but also family members present and of course we celebrated in Munich. That was important to me. Unfortunately not everyone could accept the invitation, but most of them were there and it became for me the most beautiful and most intensive birthday I had so far. One week I was in Munich at that time, every day was something special.

One day, I was dating my ex-boyfriend. Actually we didn't have any contact anymore, but he didn't let me miss the opportunity to send me electronic birthday greetings by mail. I didn't like it, but I didn't have the guts to tell him that. And also no courage to finally cut the wafer-thin ribbon of our supposed solidarity. This time I answered him the same way and wrote: "If you really want to congratulate me sincerely, then do it personally! That's how the date came about. After five years, we went out for pizza. The pizza was good, the reunion rather strange. The feeling - neither so nor so. Today I don't even remember what we talked about. But I remember there were two moments when I actually had to swallow. I didn't ask him because the ring on his finger was answer enough. It was probably an engagement ring. Very similar to the one we had seen together through a shop window years before. He also wore a jacket that we had bought together. He certainly wasn't aware of that. It hurt me. However, it helped me to get a degree. We said goodbye and that was it. Finally I was able to close the door. There was still the anger about how he had gone through the separation years before, but not about the fact that it came to the separation.

After five years, I finally knew it had to come to this. Therefore the reunion in Munich was necessary. He was not the man for my life and vice versa I was not the woman for his life. We didn't belong together, because he had already found his queen of hearts. But that wasn't the only reason. Today I know better. I loved living with him and the seemingly endless possibilities we had in common. He felt welcome in my family and well, I enjoyed the trips to South Tyrol and the parties with his family. Together we had made wonderful motorcycle tours and visited our large circle of friends. At first sight we were a harmonious couple. Maybe we would have had a good time on Hooge for a while, maybe even had children. But we wouldn't have been happy. Neither individually nor together. Today I am convinced that he would have missed too much. I would never have been able to fill this gap, I should have been allowed to fill it and I would not have wanted to fill it at all! If you don't find yourself on Hooge, you can't be found by another person. I know he would never have felt as comfortable on Hooge as I do. He would have had his duties and he would certainly have done them excellently, but he would not have been happy there. To understand this, it took a few years and I had to understand and experience for myself what Hooge does to you. It took me five years to see it all so clearly and to accept it. With that I had managed to free myself from a constricting burden. I finally faced my own personal path that lay ahead of me. I deliberately let myself in for being selfish at times, and for being allowed to make mistakes as well. Even in love. Of course I made mistakes, but one thing I didn't question anymore: I wanted to go my way on Hooge and say yes to that way and be curious about what and who he had in store for me. And so, after I came back from my birthday trip to Munich, I consequently separated from my hot Augustboy.