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Chapter Three

Look Around You…Stupid Is Everywhere!

Rebelling Against Stupidity

“We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking ifmankind is to survive.”

—Albert Einstein

Stupid at 30,000 Feet

When I (Carrie) was 10 years old, our family planned a trip to Disney World. I was euphoric—what kid doesn’t dream of visiting Mickey? We lived in Canada, the land of perpetual winter, so the excitement of spending a week in the sunshine state was almost unbearable.

The flying time from Calgary to Orlando was six hours. For an adult, that’s a pretty long flight. For a kid, travel time is magnified in direct proportion to the allure of the destination, which made that particular trip roughly seventeen eternities.

My brothers and I settled into our row near the front of the plane, fidgeting and fighting over which one of us got the window seat. This was just a formality, since we already knew how the fight would end. Mike always won because he was the biggest. As the youngest and weakest, I ended up squashed in the middle seat. I tried to cram my carry-on under the seat, but it didn’t fit.

“Give me your backpack,” Mike said, trying to make some room underneath the seat in front of him. Reaching down, he latched on to an object and tried to move it out of the way. “Hey, this thing won’t budge.” He tugged at it, twisting back and forth.

Suddenly, the object kicked. Apparently, the man in front of us wanted his foot back.

Mom had advised us to pack plenty of activities to keep us busy: games, books, that sort of thing. We ran out of stuff to do by the time the flight attendants finished the seatbelt demonstration. Mike dozed off. Daniel and I passed some time obnoxiously changing each other’s in-flight radios to the classical music station, but the novelty of that quickly wore off. The movie commenced—it was boring. We ate all the snacks Mom had packed. Finally, we had nothing left to do but to stare aimlessly ahead as we slowly lost our sanity.

I was cold, so I reached up and twisted the air vent closed. Daniel reached up and twisted it open.

I reached up to close it again, glaring at him.

He slapped my hand away and reopened it. I retaliated in similar fashion and closed it.

He stood and opened it. I stood and closed it.

The dispute continued, mounting in intensity. It was no longer about the air temperature. It became a conflict of wills so epic it made the Battle of Thermopylae look like a playground tussle between first graders.

We fought on the beaches. We battled in the air, on the landing grounds, in the fields, streets, and hills…

I was about to rally the troops and launch a final assault when a loud noise distracted me. It came from the woman in the seat directly behind me. “AHEM!!!” She was glaring at us.

In fact, several passengers were staring at us. Apparently, our little skirmish was not as entertaining to them as it was to us, especially since our air vent was located directly in front of the movie screen.

We had no idea so many people were watching our childish antics. But, of course, the foolish choices we make can, and often do, directly impact other people. I remember my parents frequently pointing out to my brothers and me that “stupid is everywhere.”

So What’s the Problem?

This is the age of political correctness. Self-appointed watchdogs are constantly on the lookout for bigots who might disparage someone else’s behavior or choices. Anyone who has the courage to call immorality what it actually is—sin—is slapped with the label intolerant faster than you can say “double standard.” A husband is constantly making humiliating, chauvinistic comments in public to his wife, but who are we to judge? If she is okay with it, then it’s no one else’s business. A teenage girl at church dresses provocatively, but that’s her business, not ours. Ours is not to judge, right?

Mom: We should do our kids a favor and teach them early how to recognize stupidity.

If there’s anything modern society won’t tolerate, it’s intolerance. Parents teach their kids how to cross the street safely and how to drive defensively. Adults admonish youngsters not to play with matches and warn them to refrain from talking to strangers. They keep toxic chemicals and medicine out of reach and make sure their children wear helmets while riding their bikes. Moms and dads threaten dire punishment if a child is caught smoking or shoplifting. But, for fear of sounding judgmental, many parents don’t point out equally dangerous behavior that has even greater destructive potential.

Some families don’t allow the word stupid to be used in their home. Indeed, numerous euphemisms exist, including imprudent, ill-advised, thoughtless, injudicious, and so on. Parents of small children may prefer a gentler term, such as silly. That’s fine, but in our family we reserved the word stupid for the selfish, rude, rash, and dangerous behavior we wanted our children to avoid.

Silly is making funny faces or telling knock-knock jokes.

Stupid is bullying another child, or calling him names, or teasing her about a disability.

Silly is driving your children crazy with lame puns (Richard’s forte).

Stupid is driving too fast. Or driving while intoxicated. Or getting intoxicated in the first place.

In their effort to avoid sounding critical, parents may excuse or simply ignore unacceptable behavior displayed by others, particularly by other adults. But, could it be that in our quest to be non-judgmental, we affirm the very destructive attitudes and habits that we want our children to avoid?

Mom: The Bible doesn’t sugarcoat foolishness, and neither should we.

We’re not suggesting that people should be labeled as stupid, but even highly intelligent beings can do stupid things (Albert Einstein did some doozies). The truth is, all of us are capable of foolish behavior. We aren’t doing our children any favors by ignoring that fact.

It’s in the Bible

The Bible talks a great deal about stupidity (often referred to as “folly”) by repeatedly contrasting foolishness with wisdom. The book of Proverbs in particular wades in deep on the subject:

Fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7

…fools hate knowledge. Proverbs 1:22

The complacency of fools will destroy them. Proverbs 1:32

A foolish woman is clamorous. She is simple, and knows nothing.

Proverbs 9:13

…a foolish son is a grief to his mother. Proverbs 10:1

A prating fool will fall. Proverbs 10:10

The mouth of the foolish is near destruction. Proverbs 10:14

And the fool will be servant to the wise of heart. Proverbs 11:29

He who hates correction is stupid. Proverbs 12:1

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes. Proverbs 12:15

The heart of fools proclaims foolishness. Proverbs 12:23

A fool lays open his folly. Proverbs 13:16

The companion of fools will be destroyed. Proverbs 13:20

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down withher hands. Proverbs 14:1

A fool rages and is self-confident. Proverbs 14:16

What is in the heart of fools is made known. Proverbs 14:34

The lips of the wise disperse knowledge, but the heart of the fool doesnot do so. Proverbs 15:7

Excellent speech is not becoming to a fool. Proverbs 17:7

A foolish son is a grief to his father. Proverbs 17:25

A fool’s mouth is his destruction. Proverbs 18:7

The Bible doesn’t mince words when it comes to foolish actions. Neither should we.

What’s a Parent to Do?

Every person on Earth is capable of foolish thoughts, decisions, words, and behavior. We’ve all heard from encouraging teachers or consultants, “There’s no such thing as a dumb question.” But we all know, as they do, that their maxim isn’t always true. There are not only unwise questions, but also unwise answers. (If you don’t believe us, watch a Miss America pageant.)

Kids need to know what stupid looks like, so they can avoid it.

1. Stupid uses flawed thinking.

The world is filled with opinions and behaviors that don’t pass the common sense test. Parents need to teach their children how to recognize flawed thinking as soon as possible. Here are a few examples:

Christian parents allow their daughter to date a non-Christian young man, but not “get serious” unless he first becomes a Christian. Wrong! If you teach your daughter not to marry a non-Christian, why on earth would you let her date one? Only foolish parents allow their child to play with fire. The vast majority of the time, Christians who marry unbelievers date them first!

Mom: Dangerous, foolhardy behavior ought to be regularly identified so no one in your home (including Mom or Dad) is tempted by it.

“We just look away during the sex scenes!” That’s what some families say to justify watching movies with graphic depictions of sex, violence, language, or nudity. They explain, “It has a great story! It just has a couple of bad scenes in it.” Our family had some great discussions on this topic. We concluded that you are still watching a movie that does not cut the muster of Philippians 4:8, even if you occasionally look away. And, you are still watching a film containing sexual and violent themes even if you don’t watch during the most explicit scenes. It is crazy to believe such storylines are harmless simply because you avert your eyes before the characters take all of their clothes off. We also concluded that it would be hypocritical for us to claim to uphold Christian morals and then immerse ourselves in films that flaunted ungodly themes. Far better to find an activity that would not require us to rationalize our participation afterward.

As an aside, much of the “stupid thinking” our family grappled with was not promoted by non-Christians. Often, it was practices endorsed by members of our church. We never intended to become a holier-than-thou family. But neither did we want to accept bad thinking by those around us just because we were afraid of appearing judgmental. Our discussions generally occurred at home as we worked out our own beliefs. We didn’t find it productive to argue or debate with other families about their practices.

2. Stupid is manipulative.

I (Carrie) found myself at a crossroads when I started third grade. Our small town was growing rapidly, and that year my grade was split into two classes to accommodate the influx of students. To my dismay, my best friend Rebecca and I ended up in opposite classes. I was a shy kid, so the prospect of finding myself in a classroom full of strangers was as appealing as being chased by a pack of rabid dogs.

I was relieved on the first day of school when the girl assigned to the desk next to mine, Kristen, invited me to play with her at recess. Every recess Kristen and her group of friends played “Pony Pals,”² a game that involved galloping around the school playground neighing. I wasn’t a huge fan of horses, but pretending to be one was better than playing alone. So I brushed up on my horse terminology and joined them.

Mom: If we want our children to avoid being manipulated, we have to teach them what manipulation looks like.

At first I had fun, but I soon discovered Kristen had a lot of rules for girls who wanted to be Pony Pals. For one, we had to play Pony Pals every recess (and play the way she wanted). Second, we could only play with other Pony Pals. I didn’t like how demanding Kristen was, but none of the other girls seemed to mind. So every day I continued to trot around the playground with the Pony Pals.

One day, my mom suggested I invite my new friends over to our house to play. She bought cookie mixes, bright colored icing, and sprinkles for decoration. While we chatted and baked in the kitchen, my mom puttered around nearby. I later learned that she had noticed something disturbing in my behavior and wanted a chance to meet the girls I’d been spending time with.

As she listened, she was horrified by what she heard. The entire time we were baking, Kristen and the Pony Pals gossiped, criticized other girls in our class, and obsessed over boys. One of the Pony Pals had a birthday coming up, and Kristen told her which classmates she shouldn’t invite to her party.

After they left, my mom and I chatted as we cleaned up the kitchen. She explained that people who say mean things about classmates and who get mad when their friends play with other people aren’t acting like true friends.

The next day at recess I told Kristen I didn’t want to be a Pony Pal anymore. Even though the next few weeks of school were difficult, I eventually made friends with other girls who weren’t so demanding.

By teaching me to recognize and address manipulative behavior when I was young, my mom helped me avoid a lot of trouble and heartbreak as I got older. Where is the best place for kids to learn discernment? Not at school. Not on the playground. Not on the job. Not even at church. It’s at home. Parents are the ones best equipped to help their children learn the delicate balance between cynicism and naiveté.

Mom: They say it takes a village to raise a child, but if parents aren’t paying attention, a village can also ruin their child.

The goal parents are striving for with their children is found in the wise words of Christ as He sent His disciples into the world. We want them to be “as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

3. Stupid is shortsighted.

Foolishness does not consider the consequences of poor decisions. Case in point: Nathan Wayne Pugh, 49, of Sachse, Texas, approached a teller at a Wells Fargo Bank and told her he was robbing the bank. While setting off the silent alarm, the courageous clerk informed Mr. Pugh that it was company policy not to release cash to anyone unless he first produced two pieces of ID. The dimwitted robber complied, including handing over his bankcard for that branch. The cashier jotted down the information and surrendered the funds. The police arrested Pugh as he exited the building.

Unfortunately, foolish behavior is common. We knew a teenager who was the star quarterback of his high school football team and a popular student. Drafted by a major college football program, his future sparkled with possibilities. But, with his growing popularity, the youth became increasingly attracted to the party scene. He began to drink heavily and experiment with drugs. Late night parties took their toll as he neglected his studies and abused his health. An injury ended his promising career. He plunged into a destructive spiral of drugs and alcohol that ultimately led to his expulsion from school. A life latent with potential was pitifully wasted.

Shortsighted thinking can lead to a disappointing future. Lisa and I (Richard) regularly discussed with our children people’s flawed thinking and unwise decisions, whether it was in the news or in the town where we lived. Sometimes that meant pointing out mistakes made by their peers. Our intention was not to gossip or to condemn, but to help our children see clearly the graphic consequences of bad decisions.

Teach Your Kids to Think

When I (Carrie) was a teenager, our family doctor told me about her beloved grandfather and how much she had learned from him when she was my age. Every time she and her siblings prepared to go home after visiting him, he would take each one by the shoulders, look directly into their eyes, and say, “THINK.” Then he’d kiss them on the forehead and let them go.

Here are some ways to teach your children how to think:

1. Help your children process the actions of those around them.

When Mike and Daniel were teenagers, they had a number of great friends, both male and female. They often hosted “guy nights” at our house where several of the boys would cook disgusting food, play video games or street hockey, shoot baskets, and build a fire in the backyard fire pit.

During their teen years, many of their friends started dating. Most of them still found time to hang out with the guys, but a few would go AWOL once they had a girlfriend. Eventually they would break up with their gal and come back to spend time with the guys again—until they found their next girlfriend. The cycle continued.

I (Richard) once asked my boys what they thought about this on-again off-again buddy system. They said they felt used—like stand-ins until the next girl came along. They assured me that when they started dating, they would make an effort to maintain healthy friendships with other guys. Sure enough, they did.

It’s not appropriate to nit-pick and look for faults in your children’s friends. However, it is important to help your kids learn by processing the actions of those around them. And it is possible to think critically without being judgmental—it’s called discernment.

Mom: It takes tact and diplomacy, but you can hold and express strong opinions without necessarily being offensive or annoying.

Fictional scenarios in books, television, or movies can provide plenty of talking points for you and your family about values, morality, and decision-making. In addition, the media frequently highlights real-life examples of the disastrous consequences of immoral choices—an athlete is caught doping, or a politician’s unethical behavior is exposed. However, your sons and daughters are most influenced by the people they interact with on a daily basis. Therefore, they can avoid numerous pitfalls if you help them evaluate the behavior (and its correlating outcome) of their peers. People have often commented that Lisa and I were fortunate because our children didn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, or engage in other damaging behaviors. We are grateful that they didn’t, but it wasn’t a fluke of good fortune. The fact is that we expended a great deal of effort helping them learn to recognize—and avoid—destructive behavior.

2. Surround your children with thinkers.

Be intentional about introducing your children to interesting people. Invite well-read or widely traveled acquaintances to your home. Rather than shooing your children away while the adults visit, invite your kids to listen in. I (Richard) have fond memories from my childhood of fascinating guests who sat at our dinner table. These people held me spellbound as they recounted amazing experiences and described exotic places. I learned that the world was much larger than my little neighborhood.

Mom: Parents, teach your kids to make periodic course corrections with their life so they stay on the path to success and avoid dead ends.

Another way to expose your children to deep thinkers is by encouraging them to read great books. We had a standing offer in our home: “If you will read it, we will buy it.” That led to a house décor that was distinctly neo-classical Bodleian Library. We had books spilling off shelves in every room of the house. Proverbs 13:20 promises, “He who walks with wise men will be wise.” By promoting good literature, our family walked with the giants of history. Often those books sparked discussions and debates around our kitchen table.

It’s easy to fall short when it comes to teaching our children to think, especially if we rely on the education system to do it for us. At home, it’s less stressful for most parents to turn on the TV than it is to persuade their children to read. Fun family times are important, but being the reigning champion of Mario Kart or Mafia Wars is not necessarily going to help you navigate the complex pathways of life. Spending time as a family watching Monday Night Football might provide some bonding moments, but it probably won’t expand the capacity of your children’s cerebral cortex.

Mom: “No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.”

— Voltaire

3. Encourage your kids to argue with you.

George Patton once said, “If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.”

I (Carrie) am an opinionated person. Though I don’t always voice my views, I try to take an informed stance on controversial issues that crop up in society. My dad has always pressed my brothers and me to form our own opinions and then to be prepared to back them up with facts and careful thought. He takes great pleasure in seeing how strong our convictions are and how well we can defend them. Regardless of the topic (and his own view), he always plays devil’s advocate.

Mom: Don’t be afraid to let your kids argue with you. You might learn something.

After a teenage Christian friend of mine got into an accident with his parents’ car because he had been drinking and driving, I made a pretty strong statement to my dad:

Carrie: I don’t know how you can be a Christian and drink alcohol. Dad: Well that’s an interesting viewpoint. As far as I know, Jesus was a Christian, and he apparently made wine for a party, didn’t he?

Carrie: Dad! That’s different. In Jesus’ day, the wine wasn’t nearly as strong in alcohol content as it is today. And Jesus certainly never got drunk! Or drove on multi-lane freeways after drinking.

Dad: Carrie, what about all of the Christians around the world, such as in Europe, who do drink? Are you saying they aren’t really Christians?

Carrie: Well, obviously I can’t speak for everyone in the world who claims to be a Christian. But didn’t the apostle Paul say he would not eat meat if it caused someone to stumble? Alcohol has caused incredible amounts of suffering and violence and damage in America. I don’t see how any Christian in America could see how much suffering alcohol causes and then not do as Paul did, and abstain from it.

Dad: I commend you for your conviction. But don’t you think you are being too harsh on others who don’t necessarily share your convictions?

Carrie: No. I think anyone who takes the Bible seriously and who sees what alcohol does to people, won’t drink.

Dad: What if you discovered that your boyfriend drank occasionally?

Carrie: He wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.

Over the years, we had conversations like that one. Our discussions covered numerous topics. Sometimes we bantered about ethics, theology, or worldviews; at other times, we focused on matters pertaining to church, school, or politics. Dad always pushed me to defend my opinion. By the end of every debate, I realized there were facets of the topic that I had never considered before. I also had a firmer grasp of the issues, and my own opinion.

The point here isn’t about whether my opinion was right or wrong. (The only debate I clearly won with him was when he tried to argue for the legitimacy of using puns as an acceptable form of humor.) I always knew that Dad wasn’t trying to be argumentative. He just wanted me to know how to think through deep issues. And thanks to our debates, I developed the skill of supporting my convictions.

4. Be a role model for lifelong learning.