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Introduction by Alex Bilmes

He wasn’t a cuddly uncle. His wasn’t a reassuring arm around a heaving shoulder, a fond pinch of a tear-stained cheek. There was no coin mysteriously conjured from behind your ear, to be spent on an illicit bag of sweets. He wasn’t indulgent. There was no soft touch. He wouldn’t tolerate selfishness, or showing off, or self-regard, the musty stink of complacent, old-style masculinity. He was as likely to sneer and scorn as smile and sympathise. You didn’t come to him for affirmation, or absolution. You came to be challenged, to have your preconceptions overturned, your follies exposed. You came when you were desperate, and you got what you deserved: strong medicine, in dangerous doses. The effect was immediate. The effect was sobering. The effect was magic.

Yes, he had a filthy tongue and a dirty mind. Your mother might not approve. (For God’s sake, don’t give this book to your mother.) But he could be empathetic, and compassionate too. He was AA Gill and he wasn’t: he was Uncle Dysfunctional, Adrian’s id unleashed. He was a performance, an act of outrageous ventriloquism, an uproarious work of fiction that was also true. He was always deadly serious, and he was never not taking the piss.

Uncle Dysfunctional was my idea, Adrian Gill my first marquee signing when, by what he seldom failed to remind me must have been some cosmic clerical error, I was appointed editor of British Esquire at the end of 2010. By then, we’d worked together for close to a decade and during that time he had become more than a colleague. He was a friend, and he was a mentor. He was older than me. He’d seen more, done more, lived more, and thought harder and longer than me about what it means to be a man in the world, about what it means to be a father, a son, a lover, a brother, a friend. He advised me, he admonished me, he educated me, and he made me laugh.

And I thought that that was what he should do for the readers of Esquire, what he should be for them (and now you) too: a rogue relation, cleverer and braver, wiser and worldlier than us, also madder, and much more difficult. And funnier. Before anything else, he was funny.

Adrian went for it straight away. He loved the silly name. Even over the phone, as I proposed the idea to him, I fancied I could see the gleam in his eye. For those who have somehow never encountered his work before – really? – Adrian was, until his death in December 2016, at the age of sixty-two, perhaps the most famous newspaper writer in Britain, the hypodermic-sharp critic and feature writer for the Sunday Times, celebrated for his merciless skewerings of second-rate restaurants and his joyful demolitions of terrible TV shows, as well as for his kaleidoscopic travel writing and his unflinching dispatches from some of the world’s most benighted places. Simply put, he was one of Fleet Street’s all-time greats, inimitable, with a voice and a style and a persona utterly his own.

I knew, because of all this, that Unc, as Adrian called him, would be witty and waspish. I knew he would be honest and uncompromising. I knew he would make you snort, make you guffaw, make you wince, make you throw your hands up, make you think. But I had no idea where Adrian would go with him, or how far. Much farther than I could have imagined, at times much farther than I would have wished, and then farther still. In a little under six years he wrote close to sixty Esquire columns and, believe me, he had no intention of stopping. By the end they were mini surrealist masterpieces, gob-stoppingly weird. His final column – though none of us knew it would be, including him – purported to be a fantastically (or perhaps authentically) misogynist diatribe from Donald Trump. It was, as so often, a virtuoso display.

Adrian was tickled by Esquire readers’ responses to the Unc columns. “It’s the one thing that people come up to me in the street about,” he once said. “They don’t come up and talk to me about food and television, or African politics. But they will ask me about Esquire. The thing that everybody says is, ‘Are the questions real?’ And they are real. The fact they’re written by me doesn’t make them unreal. I always say, ‘Yes, they are. Trust me: I’m Uncle Dysfunctional.’”

He was chuffed that we – me, the staff of the magazine, our readers – found the scatological gags and the flamboyant swearing funny. But Uncle Dysfunctional offered more than pungent puerility and phantasmagoric flights of fancy. There was profundity, too, and serious points were made – about sex and sexuality, men and women and other men and other women, parents and children, work and play, ethics and immorality. But, as you are about to discover, he never let more important concerns get in the way of a good knob joke.

I’m listed as the editor of these columns, and Adrian flattered me, from time to time, by describing me as that in conversation. But “editor” isn’t quite right, not in my case anyway. “Stenographer” would have been more accurate. Or perhaps just “audience”. That’s not false modesty. I took dictation over the phone (all of these columns were filed direct to me or to my colleague, Rachel Fellows) and then, at best, helped shape the astonishing screed into traditional prose, with punctuation and paragraphs and the rest of it. Hardly ever did we change a word. Certainly we didn’t rewrite him. There was no need. He spoke-wrote in perfect sentences, with the beats and the pauses all there. It took no great skill to see where one ought to place the commas and the full stops.

Adrian was collegiate, then. He often spoke of journalism as a team sport, and I am forever grateful to have had him on my team. But Uncle Dysfunctional was his alone. No one else could have done it, no one ever will.

I know he hoped these columns might make a book in the end (we talked about it more than once). All of us involved are thrilled that they have. We only wish he were here to see it published.

But enough of that. Time to pull up a chair and tell Adrian what the matter is. Girl trouble? Problem at work? Losing your hair? Bent penis? Angry vagina? Not sure whether to bump off your better half? Recurring dreams of giving your boss a blowjob? Worried about the ethics of fantasising about your wife’s younger sister? Irresistibly drawn to cravats/nudity? Wondering whether there’s a god? Want the final, definitive, no-arguments ruling on whether size matters?

Whatever it is, it won’t be something Uncle Dysfunctional hasn’t heard before and ruled on, firmly and fiercely. And if he doesn’t have the cure for what ails you, he’ll certainly have something to say about it. Something silly, something sage. Something that’ll put hairs on your chest, or make you want to cross your legs. On that, you can depend.

Alex Bilmes

London

February 2017