Читать книгу Nirvana Is Here - Aaron Hamburger - Страница 7

ONE

IT’S BEEN A COUPLE OF DECADES since Ari last held one of these chocolate bars, and the gold plastic wrapper crinkles in his jittery fingers. The red Hebrew letters on the label spell out the name of the candy: Pesek Zman, which means Free Time.

Free time, he thinks. Sometimes I’m sick to death of being free.

As a teenager, Ari used to keep a stash of those candies in his closet, on the shelf above his prep school uniform. Every morning, he buttoned up his dress shirt, yanked the knot of his necktie up to the collar of his button-down shirt as dictated by school dress code, and then deposited a piece of Pesek Zman in the inside pocket of his sport jacket.

And now, this Valentine’s Day, as a forty-one-year-old Medieval history professor residing in University Park, Maryland, he’ll repeat this ritual once more, at least the candy part of it.

He rips one of the wrapper—Ari requires three tries to tear it open—and bites into a cube of the milk chocolate, filled with a crispy wafer and hazelnut cream. According to the company’s website, he is tasting the king of chocolate bars, a moment of pure indulgence. Everyone needs a little time out from life, to stop and enjoy a beautiful moment.

To Ari the chocolate tastes cloyingly, stunningly sweet, makes his tongue curl. He mashes the candy into a grainy chocolate paste that sticks to his teeth and the roof of his mouth, struggles to get it down his gullet. He didn’t like the candy then and he doesn’t now. But liking Pesek Zman was never the point. He’d doled it out as a gift, piece by piece, day after day all throughout high school, to a boy he used to know.

He’d forgotten all about the candy until he’d been reminded of it by his husband—now ex-husband—a poet on suspension for screwing a student. The ex-husband’s name is M. Not an initial, just the letter, to express solidarity with the transgendered.

On their first evening together, after a few mojitos, the poet confessed his birth name: Michael.

They’d met the old-fashioned way, in a bar. Ari had been dragged there by a colleague, who’d expressed disbelief that Ari had never hitherto visited the one gay bar on campus. And there, holding court among a coterie of gay faculty, just over six feet tall, was M, wearing his oversized dark-framed glasses (prescription strength of zero, a fashion accessory), a purple checked shirt, and white pants that seemed to glow in the darkness of the bar, hugging his hips and thighs. “You’re a quiet one,” M told Ari at the end of the evening, when the rest of the crowd, recognizing the charge between these two, had filtered away. “What’s going on in that cute brain of yours?”

“How can you see it, I mean, my brain, to know that it’s, well, cute.” Ari hated that last word, one of those nauseating contemporary locutions.

M put his hand on the small of Ari’s back, a few fingers drifting playfully down, just inside the back of Ari’s belt. “If it’s anything like the rest of you,” he whispered, his breath tickling Ari’s ear, “then, well, that’s how I know.”

Two years later, they were investing in real estate. Or, rather Ari was investing and M was coming along for the ride. M would have preferred to live closer to downtown, to the “action,” but it was Ari who was supplying the down payment.

“I’m a man against action,” said Ari.

“You were born old,” said M.

It’s strange that they became a couple. Ari hates bawdy humor or raunchy talk, ironic considering that he teaches and writes about the Middle Ages, a time when nothing could be funnier than listening at the door as a groom deflowered his bride after a wedding, or raping a dozen nuns at a local convent. By contrast, the naughty M relishes dirty jokes, crass innuendo, stories involving the rudest of body parts. He writes odes to gay sex with rough men at rest stops in the small Kentucky town where he grew up. He regularly accuses colleagues of “slut-shaming.”

And in the final months of their marriage, M regularly bemoaned their “vanilla” sex life, comparing their bedroom to that old Woody Allen joke about a restaurant where the food is terrible—and such small portions!

Last August, several months before the suspension for sexual harassment, M and Ari had been unpacking boxes in their new home, a ten-minute drive from the University where he recently received tenure in reward for occasionally interrupting his students’ drinking, drugging, and texting to inform them about equivalent bad behavior centuries before they were born.

M was making a show of straining to lift a heavy cardboard box which, oddly, the movers had marked in all capital letters “CATHOUSE.” Finally, he gave up and pushed the box across the floor into one of the bedrooms, putting his whole body into it, so that his low-cut jeans rode even further down his hips. In another context, it could have been a strip tease, which Ari wouldn’t have enjoyed. Frankness about all matters sexual turned him off. Ari required romance to be served with a good helping of subtlety and shadows. He’d once stopped an encounter cold when M turned on the lights midway through, so they could see themselves performing in the bedroom mirror.

Ari was in the kitchen, carefully unwrapping a coffee mug that said, “In Dog Years, I’m Dead.” A present from M, who used to give more thoughtful gifts like books of poetry, and once a heavy Latin dictionary Ari had been craving. Ari didn’t care for the mug, but couldn’t throw it away.

M came in holding a heavy blue book in his hand, a high school yearbook. “Who’s Justin?”

Ari backed himself against the sink, pressing the mug against his chest. “What?” he said.

M opened the book to the inside of the back cover, pointed to a few scribbled lines, and held out the book for Ari to read. “Justin,” he said.

The way he said the name felt dirty, or maybe like an accusation. “I already know what it says,” said Ari, finally setting down the mug on the chipped countertop. They were hoping to replace it someday with some tasteful quartz. “I just was surprised to hear you mention his name.”

“He wrote, ‘Thanks for the candy, you’re so sweet,’” M recited.

“Yes, he did write that,” said Ari, turning to face the sink. “He’s just, well, that’s his sense of humor.”

“You’re so sweet? That doesn’t sound like a joke. Was he cute?”

“I don’t know,” said Ari, digging around in a cardboard box marked “FRAGILE.” “I never realized we had so many damned coffee mugs.”

“This is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard about you,” said M. “What does he mean, thanks for the candy? Is that code for something nasty? He must have been cute.”

“Very well. Give me that book. You can judge for yourself.” Ari takes it and flips to the relevant page with Justin’s picture, Justin’s eyes staring off into space, into a distant, better future. Ari’s reluctant to let the book go, but he does. “Satisfied?”

“He’s black,” said M.

“And?”

“So you like black guys? Ari, you should have told me. I know lots of cute black guys. We could finally have a threesome.”

“You misunderstand me,” said Ari. Not for the first time, he thinks, but does not say aloud. “It’s not that I’m attracted to black guys per se. Or that I’m not attracted to them. I just liked him. Not his race. Him.”

“Where is he now?”

“I don’t know. We lost touch. He was just a boy I once liked in high school. That was centuries ago.”

“Ari, I love this. I’m seeing you in this whole new light. Haven’t you thought of Googling him?”

“No, I have not. That would be a violation of his privacy.”

“Oh, stop it. Don’t you ever Google yourself?”

“Whatever for? I know myself.”

“Well, I’m going to.” M whips out his smartphone.

“Please don’t. I really don’t like to do things like that. I’m not a fan of this brave new world that you’re so fond of.”

But M’s fingers are too nimble for Ari to stop him. “Uh-oh,” says M.

“What?” Ari catches his breath, feels something sink inside his chest. “He’s dead, isn’t he?”

“No, worse. He’s straight.”

Ari wants to throw one of his mugs at M’s head. Instead he gives a good tug at his husband’s carefully sculpted, dark wavy hair tamed with something called “product.” “Darling, please shut up.”

“Don’t you want to hear more?” asks M, using the reverse camera in his phone to pat his hair back into place.

“No.”

“You know, I found his wife. Hang on.” Tap, tap, tap on his phone. “Look, here she is. She’s cute.”

“I’m not interested.”

“She’s white. Maybe there’s hope for you, after all.”

“Okay, okay. You’ve had your little joke. Can we get back to these boxes now?”

But M would not be deterred. As Ari resumed the work of unpacking, M settled on a footrest and sporadically shouted out bits of news. For instance, after living in Michigan, North Carolina, and Boston, only a few years ago Justin and his wife settled in northern Virginia. Justin recently assumed the position of CEO of Shut Up and Kiss Me, a popular online dating app with over a million registered users. (Why this company was headquartered in non-romantic Washington of all places, Ari had no idea.)

Later, as they went to pick up pizza, M teased Ari, “Shut Up and Kiss Me, Justin!”

“Aren’t you the soul of wit,” said Ari, whose nerves were frayed from both the tedium of unpacking and the tedium of M’s teasing. His hands felt rough against the steering wheel, his skin dry from handling all that paper and those boxes. The house had been built in the late 1920s and was in dire need of a remodel, especially the kitchen and bathrooms. It was small, meant as a starter home for lovey-dovey newlyweds, rather than a bickering gay couple.

“You could send him some candy, at his office, you know? Like anonymously,” said M later at the restaurant. “Then see if he can guess that it was you.”

Ari was working on a meat lover’s supreme while M had ordered a cheese-less pizza, gluten-free. He was watching his waistline, part of his master plan to defeat the aging process. In anyone else, Ari would have written off these machinations as vanity, yet in M’s assiduous efforts to keep up with the young people, their bodies, fashions, music, slang, and above all their phones, Ari saw something like nobility, a touch of Don Quixote.

“Alright, you’ve had your joke. Can we just eat our pizza in peace?” Ari pleaded.

THROUGHOUT THE FALL, THE TEASING CONTINUED. Ari gritted his teeth, waiting for his husband to tire of the joke. Anyway, he was busy with his teaching, plus a new journal article on the shift in the language of reproductive health in the early Middle Ages. High school seemed tucked away even further back in time than the Middle Ages in his consciousness. His therapist had taught him a mantra: “I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m a grown man, and I’m safe.”

But sometimes, particularly while stuck on a knotty sentence or marking up a particularly turgid student essay mistaking Braveheart for a documentary on Medieval battle dress or battle tactics, he looked for Justin online and found him there, on the cover of Black Enterprise, or in the pages of Crain’s, Wall Street Journal, Digital Commerce, Market Watch, so many publications and websites with which Ari was unfamiliar, publications whose authors lacked PhDs and whose works did not conform to the Chicago Manual of Style. Some of the articles were accompanied by pictures of Justin, looking energetic and confident, but also, most painfully, like a full-grown man, a forty-year-old man. That other time, the one they’d shared, that was ancient history.

Finally, overwhelmed with shame at his own curiosity, Ari swatted down his laptop with a vicious click.

We were better off in a different age when we weren’t able to see these things, he thought, then vowed never to look at these things again. And he did not look at them again, until he did.

IN DECEMBER, JUST BEFORE FINALS, M stopped by Ari’s office on campus, sat on the edge of his desk, and handed him an envelope. “An early Christmas present,” he explained. Inside the envelope were two tickets to a University basketball game, on Valentine’s Day.

Because of the date, Shut Up and Kiss Me was sponsoring the game. Free hats with the website logo would be given to all in attendance and a “kiss-cam” would be installed above their heads, with a cash prize for the best kiss caught on camera, as voted upon on social media.

“Sounds gruesome,” said Ari.

“Don’t you get it?” M said. “He’ll be there. He’ll have to be. He’s the goddamn C.E.O. It’s the perfect excuse to run into him again.”

“No, no, I won’t do it.”

“But you have to, I already got the tickets.” M slid off the desk, kneeled beside Ari’s chair, ran his hands over Ari’s knees. Ari finds it odd to look down at his tall husband for a change. “Come on, have some fun for once. We need more fun in our relationship.”

“Is our present romantic life really so dreary that you have to involve yourself in my romantic past?” asked Ari, eyeing M’s hands on his body and absorbing this touch that had arrived without invitation. Its spontaneity, occurring as it did after they’d been together for two years, still caused an instinctual shriveling inside, which Ari tried to overcome. That was the whole point of being with a man like M, so comfortable with touching, feeling, grabbing, so contemptuous of personal boundaries.

Sometimes, Ari liked M’s blunt passion. It was a relief never having to make the first move, to let M take the lead when it came to sex. M brought a certain energy to his quiet existence, broke up its pleasant monotony just enough to make him feel alive.

At other times, it all became too much. Ari fantasized about telling M to fuck off—fuck, a nice old English word dating back to the Canterbury Tales and beyond. Just fuck off and leave me alone, leave me in peace, calm, safety.

ARI STILL INSISTED THAT HE WASN’T going, but M continued to badger him right through the holiday break while they were in Florida visiting Ari’s parents, who thought M was a real hoot, a charming, sparkling glass of gay champagne. The badgering continued into the New Year, and up to Martin Luther King Day when Ari relented, for reasons he still did not understand. Prurient curiosity? Nostalgia? Sexual frustration? Peer pressure? All of these and none of them. Why was he going back in time like this?

Ari considered backing out of the whole plan as M helped him craft a carefully worded, jaunty Facebook message:

“Hey, what a coincidence, we’re both in the area now. I’m heading to your big hoops game next month—I teach at the University—and was wondering if you were going too. It’d be fun to say hi. Let me know.”

ARI HESITATED TO PRESS SEND. “I don’t want to stalk the guy.”

“How can such a subtle, careful thinker as you be so dense about affairs of the heart?” said M, a bit of a gossip like most poets. “It’s as if there are only two choices, to be a stalker or a monk, and nothing in between.”

“It’s not that,” said Ari. “There are things you don’t know. I’m not ready.”

But M reached over Ari’s frozen fingers, went ahead and sent off the message. “You needed a little boost,” he said, kissing Ari on the cheek.

Ari stared at his words, now lit up in irrevocable blue. “Get out,” he said. M seemed to think he was joking, so Ari said, “I didn’t mean it as a request, M. I’m ordering you to get out of my fucking study.”

“Touchy,” said M in a small, cowed voice and obeyed. Ari buried his head in his hands, sat alone in his dark study. He felt like crying, but no tears came. Even with his eyes covered, he could feel the faint blue light of the laptop screen on his face. How did I end up with this, this person? We don’t belong together, like a mismatched pair of socks that happened to fall behind the dryer while doing the laundry. For too long, I’ve been lying to myself and to the world, boasting about our complimentary differences, his ying to my yang.

When he removed his hands, Ari discovered, to his surprise, that Justin had written him back almost immediately. Wow, yes, that is a coincidence. Yes, saying hi sounds great. Yes, here, this is my phone number. Go ahead and send me a text that Sunday. We’ll definitely meet up. Yes, yes, and yes.

That word, “definitely.” It was so startling. It sounded so definite.

NOW THAT VALENTINE’S DAY HAS FINALLY arrived, a few things have changed. For one, M is on suspension for making unwanted overtures toward a student and Ari’s been assigned to his review committee.

Ari had complained to his department chair, who wears thick socks with hiking sandals and has an enviable mop of thick gray on white hair. He’s an expert on the history of American dissent. “He’s my husband. How can I be impartial?”

“You weren’t actually married, not legally,” was the reply, which was true. They’d never undergone the formal procedure at City Hall, had never seen the need for it. Rather, they had had a ceremony in the gay synagogue, conducted by a real rabbi, just without benefit of a real civil license. M was against the idea of a civil marriage because it smacked too much of heteronormativity, and yet because he’d been born into a family of evangelical Christians, he loved the idea of being married by a rabbi. As for Ari, he was worried about the messy ramifications of legal marriage if he and M ever separated—all too prescient—though he wanted to mark their sense of commitment, no, not commitment, but achievement, with something tangible, like a high school diploma.

“Even so,” says Ari. “This is a very delicate matter.”

“It isn’t a judicial proceeding,” said his chair. “It’s a university committee, and we’ve got to appoint someone to serve on it. You’re the new guy, so it’s your turn.” He faux-punches Ari in the arm. “Just review the facts, and then make a recommendation.”

“To end my ex’s professional career? Oh, it’s that easy?”

The chair offers a helpless shrug. He knows the answer as well as Ari: of course not. Nothing in life that means anything is easy.

“There’s got to be some university policy about conflict of interest,” Ari continues.

“No, none,” he says cheerfully.

There’s an awkward pause as they stand in the chair’s office, which strangely is smaller than Ari’s office, though it has the better view. The chair wants to head out, to go home for the night to kick off his hiking sandals, maybe to watch the Woodstock documentary on Netflix for the umpteenth time while smoking pot and eating vegan brownies or something, and Ari’s blocking the door. Before stepping aside, Ari can utter his get-out-of-jail-free excuse, the ironclad one that will exempt him from this hellish duty of judging his friend, of hearing the nasty particulars of the story.

The thought is tempting for a few seconds. But invoking that excuse would be the coward’s way out, positively ungentlemanly. It’s the kind of crap his students would pull to get out of a reading assignment. “I’m triggered! I’m triggered!” No, he must not sink so low. He’s not triggered. He’s just fine. All that mess was over two decades ago.

Isn’t that why Ari steps aside, allows the chair to leave his own office?

SO NOW HE’S GOING TO THIS fucking basketball game all by himself without M at his side to coach him on what he must say, how he must behave. For instance, what would M have thought about bringing along this piece of Pesek Zman candy?

When Ari was in high school, he used to find Pesek Zman at a Jewish bookstore near home. Thanks to Amazon, there’s no need to trek out to a Jewish bookstore—a good thing, since he has no clue where there are Jewish bookstores in the DC area, and he has no desire to set foot inside one.

It really is a stupid idea, getting this candy, and now giving it to Justin, in public, no less. Like some dewy-eyed high school kid. Clearly Justin has moved on, onwards and upwards. How will it look if Ari appears not to have moved on?

But there’s no backing out. He’d promised to meet Justin, and if he doesn’t show up, they’ll never meet again. Until now, he hadn’t been aware he’d been hoping they might again.

Ari has stashed the bag of Pesek Zman on the bookshelves in his study, where in addition to the texts of his trade, he keeps multiple copies of his own two books, plus the journals in which he’s published his articles—his small paper castle that eventually will turn to yellow and then to dust and blow away.

Somewhere behind these books, there lurks another story, as yet unprinted, yet fully written, a story Ari carries with him everywhere, though he’s shared it with no one. Or at least, not the full version. During his first visit to a local therapist, he’d given her the short and sweet abstract of it, followed by “But I’m over all that now.”

She’d spent a couple of years showing him that wasn’t true.

Another story, another time, another Ari.