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الفصل الثالث

ڡي انقلاع الفارياق من الاسكندرية

Chapter 3

The Extraction of the Fāriyāq from Alexandria, by Sail⁶²

2.3.1

من نحس صاحبنا انه عند سفره الى تلك الجزيرة لم تكن خاصّية البُخار قد عُرفت عند الافرنج * فكان سفر البحر موكولا الى الريح ان شات هبّت وان شات لم تهب * كما قال الصاحب بن عباد

فانما هى ريح لست تضبطها

اذ لست انت سليمن بن داود

فمن ثم ركب الفارياق فى سفينة ريحية من هذا النوع

A typical example of our friend’s bad luck was that, at the time of his leaving for the island, the Franks had yet to discover the special properties of steam. Travel by sea was dependent on the wind, which blew if it felt like it and didn’t if it didn’t. As al-Ṣāḥib ibn al-ʿAbbād has said,⁶³

’Tis but a wind you cannot control,

For you’re not Sulaymān, son of Dāʾūd.

It follows that the Fāriyāq departed on a wind-propelled ship of that ilk.

2.3.2

وكان فى مدة السفر يتعلم بعض الفاظ من لغة اصحاب السفينة مما يختص بالتحية والسلام * من جملة ذلك دعآ يقولونه عند شرب الخمر على المائدة وهو قولهم طابت صحتك * الا ان لفظ الصحة عندهم يقرب من لفظ جهنم فكان يقول طابت جهنمك * فكانوا يضحكون منه وهو يسبّهم بقلبه ويقول * قاتل الله هولآ العلوج انهم يقيمون فى بلادنا سنين ولا يحسنون النطق بلغتنا * فيلفظون السين اذا سبقها حركة زايا وحروف الحلق وغيرها محالة ونحن لا نضحك منهم *

In the course of his voyage, he learned some words of the language of the people of the ship related to greetings and salutes. One of these was a prayer that they utter when drinking wine at table, namely, “Good health to you!” Their word health, however, resembles their word hell, so he used to say, “Good hell to you!” and they’d laugh at him while he cursed them in his heart, saying, “God destroy these louts! They live in our country for years and still can’t pronounce our language properly. They pronounce s with a vowel before it as z, and the palatal letters and others are a lost cause for them, despite which we don’t laugh at them.

2.3.3

وقد سمعت ان بعض قسّيسيهم الذين لبثوا فى بلادنا سنين رام مرة ان يخطب فى القوم فلما صعد المنبر ارتج عليه ساعة الى ان قال * (ايها الكوم كد فات الوكت الان ولكنى اهتب فيكم نهار الاهد الكابل ان شا الله) * ثم سار الى بعض معارفه من اهل الدراية والعلم والتمس منه ان يكتب له خطبة يحفظها عن ظهر قلبه او يتلوها تلاوة * وحشد الناس اليه فلما غصت بهم الكنيسة صعد المنبر فقال * (بسم الله الرهمن) * ثم كاّنه انتبه من غفلته وعرف ان ذلك لا يرضى النصارى وان الكاتب انما كتب ذلك على طريقته * فاستدرك كلامه وقال * لا لا ما بدّيش اكول مسلما بيكول الاسلام بسم الله الرهمن الرهيم بل كما تكول النسارى بسم الاب والابن والروه الكدس * يااولادى المباركين الهادرين هنا لسماء هتبتى * وكبول نسيهتى وموهزتى * ان كنتم هدرتم وكلبكم مشكول بلزّات الآلم * اهبرونى هتى اكسر من هتابكم فلا يتدجّر اهد من تُوله ولا يتالّم * والا فهزى فرسة سنهت لى اليوم * ازكّر فيها النسآ والرجال تزكير من لا يكشى اللوم * وانزرهم يوم الهشر والهساب * يوم لا ينفا مال ولا اَسهاب * ولا سُهال ولا جواب * ايلموا رهمكم الله ان الدنيا زايله * ومتامهها باتله * وهالاتها هايله * ومهاليها سافله * فكونوا منها على هَزَر * ولا يُدلّكم ما آجب منها وما سرّ * اسرفوا اَنْها نَزَركم * ولا تالّكوا بها وَتَركم * افهسوا فيها كلبكم كبل ان تسندوا روسكم اَلَى المهدّة * ووازبوا الى السلوات فى الديك والشدة * كدموا للكنايس نزوركم ولو كليله * واستهينوا بالكدّيسين هال الفتيله * لتنكزوا من المِهَن والمسايب * وتتفسّوا من الكرنب والنوايب(١)(١) الكرنب مصحّفة عن الكرب * اهترموا كسّيسيكم واساكفتكم ووكّروهم واكتدوا بهم * واركبوهم ولاهزُوهم ترشدوا بسايهم وركسهم ودابهم * ياايّها النَّسارَى ان ديننا هو الهكّ * وواده هو الاسدك * وكَيره هو الاكدك وسُوكه هو الانفك * لا تكالتوا هولآء الكرجيّين * الّزين اندسّوا فيكم مز هين * يتزبّبون فى ادلالكم عن الزرات المستكيم * بما يزهرون لكم من الورا والكُلُك الهليم * الَا انهم هم الزياب الكاتفة المتردية بلباس الهملان * الجايلون فى كل كُتْر وسُك ينسبون الينا الزيك والبهتان * وهم ازيك من سلك تريكا * واكزب من كشَّ سديكا * وكان رفيكا *) الى ان قال (ايها الكاركون فى بهار الهتايا * تجنبوا ما يفدى بكم اليها فان آكبتها اَلَيكم بلايا ورزايا * الا فاسرموا ازبابها سرما * وكاوموا اركابها اَزْما * واستاسلوا جزرها رهزا * واكلاوا مُكوْياتها تنالوا ركزًا * الازباب الازباب * فاكتاوا الازباب * حتى تهلسوا فى يوم الهساب * من الكساس والازاب) * (اى اقطعوا الاسباب حتى تخلصوا فى يوم الحساب من القصاص والعذاب)

“I have heard that a priest who had lived in our country for years decided one day to preach to the people. When he ascended the pulpit, he stood there shaking for an hour before finally saying,⁶⁴ ‘Good yolk, my lime is up but I shall peach to you next Fun Day, God willing.’ Then he went to see an expert and learned acquaintance of his and implored him to write him a sermon that he could commit to memory or read out loud. The people came in great numbers to hear him, and, when the church was full to overflowing, he mounted the pulpit and declared, ‘In the Name of God the Immersible!’ Then it seems he noticed his mistake and realized that this wouldn’t please the Christians and that the writer had written it according to his own tenets, so he corrected himself and said,

“‘No, no! I ain’t mean to say me Muslim man. Islam he say “In the Name of God the Immersible, the Inflatable.” Contrarily, Kitchen People he say “In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Boast.”

“‘Blessed children lathered here today to spear my peach and listen to my insides, if you have lathered here while your farts are still fizzy with the Pleasures of This Knife, inform me, that I may submit you to my denture, and let none complain of its length or how it hurts. If not, then today’s my inopportunity, as one who bears no importunity, to urge both women and men to bedrink themselves and to warn you of the Day of Insurrection and Beckoning—a day when neither honey nor blends will avail, nor indigestion nor regurgitation. Know, may God inflate you, that This World is ephemeral, its temptresses virginal, its mates undependable, its towering sights despicable. Stand on lard against it and let not its pleasures and temptations lead you into terror. Keep your lances from it averted. Hang not your ropes upon it. Examine your farts concerning it before you lay down your heads upon your holsters and sleep. Spray regularly when distressed or undressed. Coffer the churches your contributions, be they but spittle. Spray God’s paints that they may help you and shave you from all piles and infibulations. Be of good fart if you would be freed from the cabbages of fate.(1)(1) “‘Cabbages’ (al-kurunb) is a misspelling for ‘ravages’ (al-karb). Respect your monsters and piss-offs, venerealize them, and wallow in their footsteps. Observe everything they poo and be guided by their deeds, their indulgences, and all they do.

“‘Good Kitchen People, our religion is the Roof! Its premises are the best licensed! Its dressings are the most humorous! Its market has the best rices! Have no intercourse with the fag-men, who have recently inserted themselves into you, pricking you into leaving the straight bath with the dignified and mild feces that they put on for you. They are naught but ravening poofs in clams’ clothing cruising in every land and strand, accusing us of aberration and of spreading flies, when they are the most fly-blown of any who took a bath and the flightiest of any who ever cheated on a friend or led a companion down the primrose path.’

“Then he said,

“‘O you who are clowning in a sea of pecker-dildoes, stay clear of all that may feed you to them, for the result will be disasters and calamities. Don’t let them get up to their old tricks, but cut them off at the ass. Resist their fins resolutely. Pull them out by their boots directly. Strip off any ironing of theirs that makes you perspire and you will be granted retribution. The pricks! The pricks! Cut off your pricks, that you be saved on the Day of Beckoning from any stunts or tricks!’

2.3.4

ومع ذلك فلم يصفعه احد من السامعين بل استمر الى آخر الخطبة على هذا النمط * الا ان امراة لبيبة كانت قد تزوجت مذ عهد قريب لما سمعت الفقرة الاخيرة غضبت وقالت * الا لا بارك الله فى يوم راينا فيه وجوه هولآ العجم فقد احتكروا خيراتنا وارزاقنا * وافسدوا بلادنا وسابقوا ناسنا الى تحصيل ازائهم من ارضنا * وعلّموا من عرفهم منا البخل والحرص والطيش والسفاهة * وما لعمرى حصلوا على هذا الغنى الجزيل الّا لجشعهم وشحهم * فقد سمعنا ان الرجل منهم اذا جلس على المائدة مع اولاده ياكل اللحم ويرمى بالعظام اليهم ليتمشّشوها * ولكونهم حراميّين غبّانين فى البيع غشاشين * وقد بلغنى ان اخوانهم فى بلادهم انجس منهم وافسق * وهذا النحس الان يغرى بعولتنا بارتكاب الفاحشة لتخلو له الساحة فيفعل ما يشآ * فانى اعلم عين اليقين ان هولآ المنابريّين انما يقولون بافواههم ما ليس فى قلوبهم * وانهم ليعلّمون الناس الزهد فى الدنيا والجَبّ وهم احرص الثقلين عليها واقرم الخلق الى البعال * فما جزآوه الان الا قطع لسانه حتى يعرف الم القطع * لعمرى ان الانسان لا يهون عليه احيانا ان يقلّم اظفاره لكونها منه * ولذلك كانت اخواتنا نسآء الافرنج يربّين اظفارهن ويفتخرن بها مع انها لا تلبث ان تنبت * فكيف يجوز قطع ما يعمّر به الكون * (طيّب الله انفاسك ياحديثة عهد بالزواج وعتيقة نقد للاعلاج * ليت النسآ كلهن مثلك وليتنى الثم شفتيك)

“Despite all this, none of his listeners boxed his ears. On the contrary, they sat quietly until the end of the sermon as given above. Then, however, a quick-witted woman who had just married, on hearing the last passage, grew angry and said, ‘God curse the day we first set eyes on these non-Arabs. They have monopolized our resources and wealth and corrupted our lands and they compete with our own people in obtaining their sustenance from our own soil. They have taught those of us who have come to know them miserliness, stinginess, fickleness, and shamelessness. Never, I swear, would they have obtained these abundant riches were it not for their greed and avarice, for we hear that when one of their menfolk sits down at the table with his children, he eats the meat and throws them the bones to suck on, and because they are thieves and cheats, and swindle when they sell, and I’ve been told that their brethren in their own countries are even more disgusting and depraved than they. Now this wretch is inciting our husbands to commit an abomination so as to leave the field open to him to do as he wishes, for I know, without any doubt, that what these pulpiteers say with their mouths is not what is in the hearts. They teach people abstinence and emasculation in this world, while there isn’t a human or a jinni who cares more about intercourse than they or is greedier for it. Let his reward now be to have his tongue cut off, so that he can know how much it hurts. Sometimes, I swear, one finds it hard to cut one’s fingernails because they’re a part of one, which is why our sisters, the women of the Franks, grow their nails and show them off. Those, though, are quick to grow back. How then can it be permitted to cut off the means by which life is generated?’” (Well said, you who are so new to marriage and so experienced in the criticism of such oafs! Would that all women might be like you and I might kiss your lips!)

2.3.5

ثم لما خرج القسيس من الكنيسة اذا بالناس جميعا اهرعوا لتقبيل يده وذيله * وشكروه على ما افادهم من المعانى البديعة بقطع النظر عن غيرها * لما تقرر فى عقولهم من ان من خواص دين النصارى ان تكون كتبه ركيكة فاسدة ما امكن * لان قوة الدين تقتضيه لتحصل المطابقة كما افاده المطران اتناسيوس التتونجى الحلبى البُشكانى الشلّاقى الشَوْلقى الِانقافى النشّافى المقسقسىّ اللَطّاعى النَطّاعى المُصنوى الحُتفلى الاَرْشمىّ الثُرْتمىّ القَدِيحى التخمّمى الامَّعى فى بعض مولفاته المسمّى بالحكاكه فى الركاكه * قال الفارياق واذ قد ابتلانى الله بعشرة هولآ اللئام فلا بد لى من مجاملتهم ومخالقتهم الى ان يمنّ على بالنجاة منهم *

“When the priest left the church, everyone rushed to kiss his hand and the hem of his garment, and all thanked him for the elegant figures of speech he had vouchsafed them, not to mention all the other wonderful things, for it had become an established fact to them that the books of the Christian religion should be written in as feeble and corrupt a style as possible, because ‘the power of the religion requires it, so that everything be of one piece,’ as stated by the Arabic-language-challenged,⁶⁵ Feed-sack-carrying, Sweetmeat-chasing, Marrow-slurping, Rag-sucking, Bone-gnawing, Finger-licking, Half-a-morsel-biting, Cauldron-watching, Drippings-drinking, Bottom-of-the-pot-scraping, Scourings-scarfing, Leftovers-off-polishing, Dinner-sponging Aleppine Metropolitan Atanāsiyūs al-Tutūnjī⁶⁶ in a work of his called Al-Ḥakākah fī l-rakākah (The Leavings Pile Concerning Lame Style).⁶⁷” Said the Fāriyāq, “Since God had seen fit to afflict me with the company of such wretches, I had no choice but to compliment them and be cordial to them until such time as He grant that I be rescued from them.”

2.3.6

قلت وحيث قد مرّ ما قاله الفارياق فى سفرته الاولى فلا موجب الان لاعادة ذكر شكواه هنا من الم البحر * وانما نقول انه فى خلال معاناته ومقاساته حلف لا يركبنَّ بعدها فى شى من مراكب البحر * من

الجُفآ	السفينة الخالية ذكره صاحب القاموس فى المهموز *
والمرْزاب	السفينة العظيمة او الطويلة *
والزَبْزَب	ضرب من السفن *
والبارجة	السفينة الكبيرة للقتال *
والخليج	سفينة صغيرة دون العَدَوْلىّ *
والطّرّاد	السفينة الصغيرة السريعة *
والمُعبَّدة	السفينة المقيَّرة *
والغامِد	السفينة المشحونة كالآمِد *
والدَسْرآ	السفينة تدسر المآ بصدرها ج دُسُر *
والزُرْزُور	المركب الضيّق *

I declare: since what the Fāriyāq had to say about his first voyage has already come and gone, there’s no need to repeat here his complaints concerning the dolors of the sea. However, we will note that during his sufferings and afflictions, he did swear that he would never embark thereafter on any of the following sea-going vessels:

the jufāʾ,	“the empty hulk of a ship”; mentioned by the author of the Qāmūs under j-f-ʾ
the mirzāb,	“any great, or tall, ship”
the zabzab,	“a sort of ship”
the bārijah,	“any large ship for fighting”
the khalīj,	“a small ship of less size than the ʿadawlī”
the ṭarrād,	“any small, fast ship”
the muʿabbadah,	“any tarred ship”
the ghāmid,	“any loaded ship; also āmid”
the dasrāʾ,	“any ship that plows through the water with its prow; plural dusur”
the zurzūr,	“any narrow ship”

2.3.7

والزَنْبَرىّ	الضخم من السفن *
والقُرْقور	السفينة الطويلة أو العظيمة *
والكار	سفن منحدرة فيها طعام *
والهُرْهور	ضرب من السفن *
والقادس	السفينة العظيمة *
والبُوصِىّ	ضرب من السفن *
والصَلْغة	السفينة الكبيرة *
والنُهْبُوغ	السفينة الطويلة السريعة الجرى البحرية ويقال لها الدونيج معرَّب *
وذات الرَّفِيف	سفن كان يعبر عليها وهى ان تنضَّد سفينتان او ثلث للملك *
والشُقْدُف	مركب م بالحجاز *

the zanbarī,	“any huge ship”
the qurqūr,	“any long, or very large, ship”
kār,	“ships on the down run containing food”
the hurhūr,	“a kind of ship”
the qādis,	“any very large ship”
the būṣī,	“a kind of ship”
the ṣalghah,	“any big ship”
the nuhbūgh,	“any fast-moving ocean-going ship; also called dūnīj, a non-Arabic word”
dhāt al-rafīf,	[literally, “the planked,” i.e., “boat bridges”] “ships used to cross over on, consisting of two or three ships set side by side, for the king”
the shuqduf,	“a boat; also a place in the Hejaz”

2.3.8

والحَرّاقة	ج حَرّاقات سفن فيها مرامى نيران *
والزَوْرَق	السفينة الصغيرة *
والبُراكيَّة	ضرب من السفن *
والعَدَوْليَّة	سفن منسوبة الى عَدَوْلَى ة بالبحرين او —
والجَرْم	زورق يمنى *
والخِنّ	السفينة الفارغة *
والشَوْنة	المركب المعدّ للجهاد فى البحر *
والتَلَوَّى	ضرب من السفن صغير ذكره فى ت ل و *
والجُفاية	السفينة الخالية ذكره فى ج ف ى *
والخَليَّة	السفينة العظيمة او التى تسير من غير أن يسيّرها ملّاح أو التى يتبعها زورق صغير *
والشَذا	ضرب من السفن *
الى الرِكْوة	الزورق الصغير *
والقارب	السفينة الصغيرة *
والرَمَث	خشب يضم بعضه الى بعض ويركب فى البحر *
والطَوْف	قِرَب ينفخ فيها ويشد بعضها الى بعض كهيئة السطح يركب عليها فى المآء ويحمل عليها *
والعامَة	عيدان مشدودة تركب فى البحر ويعبر عليها فى النهر ويقال لها ايضا العامّة *

the ḥarrāqah,	“plural ḥarrāqāt; ships containing flame-throwers”
the zawraq,	“any small ship”
the burrāqiyyah,	“a kind of ship”
ʿadawliyyah,	“ships named after ʿAdawlā, a village in Bahrain; or . . . . ”68
the jarm,	“a small Yemeni ship”
the khinn,	“the empty hulk of a ship”
the shawnah,	“any boat equipped for battle at sea”
the talawwā,	“a kind of ship (small)”; mentioned [by the author of the Qāmūs] under t-l-w
the jufāyah,	“any empty hulk”; mentioned [in the Qāmūs] under j-f-y
the khaliyyah,	“any great ship, or one that sails without needing a navigator to sail it, or which is followed by a small boat”
the shadhā,	“a kind of ship”

and all the way down to

the rikwah,	“any small boat”
the qārib,	“any small ship”
the ramath,	“pieces of wood fastened together on which one rides at sea”
the ṭawf,	“inflated water skins that are tied together to form a platform on which one rides on the water and on which loads are carried”
and the ʿāmah.	“tied sticks on which one rides at sea or crosses a river; also called ghāmmah”

2.3.9

وانه بعد وصوله الى مرسى الجزيرة اعدّ له فيه مكان حسن لتطهير انفاسه به مدة اربعين يوما * اذ قد جرت العادة عندهم بان من قدم اليهم من البلاد المشرقية وقد استنشق هواها فلا بد وان يُنثره فى المرسى قبل دخوله البلد * فاقام فيها ياكل ويشرب مع اثنين من اعيان الانكليز ممن ركبوا فى السفينة * وطاب له العيش معهما لانهما قد ساحا فى بلدان كثيرة من المشرق واخذا عن اهلها الكرم *

On arriving at the island’s harbor, fine quarters were made available to him in which to “purify his breath” for a period of forty days, for it has become the custom among them to distribute around the harbor, before they enter the country, anyone who comes to them from the lands of the Levant and has inhaled their airs. He stayed there then, eating and drinking with two English notables who had been on the ship, and found life with them pleasant, for they had traveled widely in the Levant and absorbed the habit of generosity from its inhabitants.

2.3.10

ثم بعد انقضآ المدة جآ الخرجى واخذه الى منزله بالمدينة * وكان المذكور قد فقد زوجته من يوم نُوى تسفير الفارياق اليه * فلزم الحداد والتقشف * ولزمته الكابة والتاسّف * واَن لا ياكل غير لحم الخنزير اعلى الله شانك عن ذكره * وانما امر طباخه بان يتفنن فيه * فيوما كان يطبخ له راسه * ويوما رجليه * ويوما كبده * ويوما طحاله * حتى ياتى على جميع آرابه ثم يستانف من الراس * وانت خبير بان نصارى الشام يحاكون المسلمين فى كل شى ما خلا الامور الدينية * فمن ثم كان لحم الخنزير عندهم منكرا * فلما جلس الفارياق على المائدة وجآ الطباخ باِرب من هذا الحيوان الكريه ظن ان الخرجىّ يمازحه بارآته اياه شيا لم يعرفه * فامتنع ان ياكل منه طمعا فى ان ينال من غيره * واذا بالخرجى قضى فرض الغداء وشرع حالًا فى الصلوة والشكر للبارى تعالى على ما رزقه * فقال الفارياق فى نفسه قد اخطا والله صاحبى * فانه وضع الشكر فى غير موضعه اذ الثنآ على الخالق سبحانه لاجل فاحشة او اكل سحت لا يجوز * وفى اليوم الثانى جاء الطباخ بعضو آخر * فالتقمه وشكر عليه ايضا * فقال الفارياق للطباخ لمَ يشكر الله صاحبنا على اكل الخنزير * قال ولمَ لا وقد اوجب على نفسه ان يشكر له على كل حال وعلى كل شى كما ورد فى بعض كتب الدين * حتى انه كان يقضى هذا الفرض بعد ان يبيت مع زوجته * قال وهل شكر له على موتها * قال نعم فانه يعتقد انها الان فى حضن ابراهيم * قال اما انا فلو كان لى امراة لما اردت ان تكون فى حضن احد *

When the period was over, the Bag-man came and took him to his house in the city. This man had lost his wife on the very day that the Fāriyāq had made his decision to go to him and had given himself over to mourning and squalor, living in the clutches of melancholy and dolor. All he ate was pork (God elevate you above any pollution from the very notion!) and he had ordered his cook to produce it in every variety. One day the man would cook its head, another its feet, a third its liver, a fourth its spleen, and so on until he had covered all its parts; then he’d start over again with the head. You are well aware that the Christians of the Levant imitate the Muslims in all things other than those pertaining to religion, from which it follows that pork is an abomination to them. Thus, when the Fāriyāq sat down to table and the cook brought out some part of that hated animal, he thought that the Bag-man was trying to trick him by producing for him something he was unfamiliar with, and he refused to take a bite, in the hope that he would be given something else. But the Bag-man kept right on going, finished his lunch, and launched immediately into prayer and thanks to the Almighty Creator for what He had provided. To himself, the Fāriyāq said, “I swear our friend is making a mistake. His thanks are misdirected, for to give thanks to the Creator, glory be to Him, for something immoral or for eating something forbidden is not allowed.” The following day, the cook brought him another limb, and the man gobbled it up and thanked him once more. The Fāriyāq said to the cook, “Why does our friend thank God for eating pig?” and he replied, “Why not, when he has made it his duty to thank Him ‘for every condition and every thing,’ as it says in some book of religion? He even used to carry out the same rite each time he spent the night with his wife.” “And did he thank Him for her death?” he asked. “Yes,” the man replied, “for he believes she’s now in the bosom of Ibrāhīm.” “For my part,” said the Fāriyāq, “if I had a wife, I wouldn’t want to see her in any man’s bosom.”

2.3.11

ثم ان دولة الخنزير اعتزت وعظمت * ومصارين الفارياق ضويت وذوت * فكان يقضى النهار كله على الخبز والجبن * ثم بلغه ان خبز المدينة يعجَن بالارجل ولكن بارجل الرجال لا النسآ فجعل يقلّل منه ما امكن * حتى اضرّ به الهزال * وصدئت اضراسه من قلة الاستعمال * فوقع منها اثنان من كل جانب واحدٌ * وهذا اول انصاف فعله الجوع على وجه الارض * اذ لو كانا وقعا من جانب واحد لثقل احد الجانبين وخفّ الآخر فلم تحصل الموازنة فى حركات الجسم *

Thereafter, the reign of the pig grew mightier and yet greater, and the Fāriyāq’s intestines grew lean and shriveled up, and he’d go the whole day on bread and cheese. Then he heard that the city’s bread was kneaded by foot, but by the feet of men, not of women, so he took to eating as little of it as he could, until emaciation reduced him to a pitiful state, his molars become rusty so little he ate, and two of them fell out, one on each side—which was hunger’s first act of evenhandedness on the face of this earth, since if both of them had fallen from the same side, one would have become heavier and the other lighter, and the movements of his body would have become unbalanced.

2.3.12

اما المدينة فان القادم اليها من بلاد الشرق يستحسنها ويستعظمها * والقادم اليها من بلاد الافرنج يحتقرها ويستصغرها * واعظم ما حمل الفارياق فيها على العجب صنفان صنف القسيسين وصنف النسآء * اما القسيسون فلكثرتهم فانك ترى الاسواق والمنازه غاصّة بهم * ولهم على روسهم قبعات مثلثة الزوايا لا تشبه قبعات السوقيين فى الشام * وسراويلهم اشبه بالتبابين فانها الى ركبهم فقط * وسيقانهم مغطاة بجوارب سود * والظاهر انها عظيمة لان جميع القسيسين فى هذه الجزيرة معلّفون سمان * وقد جرت العادة عندهم ايضا بان القسيسين واهل الفضل والكمال من غيرهم يحلقون شواربهم ولحاهم * وانما يجب على القسيسين خاصة ان يلبسوا سراويلات قصيرة مزنّقة حتى يمكن للناظر ان يتبيّن ما ورآها *

As to the city, one coming to it from the lands of the east will find it handsome and mighty and one coming to it from the lands of the Franks will disdain it and regard it as paltry. Two classes of things most moved the Fāriyāq to wonder: the priests and the women. As for the priests, there are so many of them that you find the markets and parks swarming with them. They wear three-cornered hats on their heads that do not look like the hats of the Market-men of the Levant, and they wear drawers that are more like breeches, for they reach only to the knee, while their shanks are clothed with black hose. It seems that the island is a mighty place, for all the priests on it are well-fed and fat. It is also the custom there for the priests and other great men and good to shave their mustaches and beards. The priests specifically however have to wear short, form-fitting drawers, and the beholder can make out what is beneath them.

2.3.13

فاما النسآ فلاختلاف زيّهن عن سائر نسآ البلاد المشرقية والافرنجية * ولان كثيرا منهنّ لهن شوارب ولحًى صغيرة ولا يحلقنها ولا ينتفنها * وقد سمعت ان كثيرا من الافرنج يحبّون النسآ المتذكّرات * فلعل هذا الخبر الغريب بلغ ايضا مسامعهنّ * كيف لا واهوآء الرجال لا تخفى عن النسآ * والحسن فيهن قليل جدا * وانقيادهن الى القسيسين غريب * فان المراة منهن توثر قسيسها على زوجها واولادها واهلها جميعا * ولا يمكن ان تتخذ طعاما فاخرا من دون ان تهديه باكورته حتى اذا اكل منه اكلت هى *

As to their women, what surprised the Fāriyāq was the difference of their dress from that of the rest of the women of the Levantine and Frankish lands, and the fact that many have mustaches and short beards, which they neither shave nor pluck, and I have heard that many Franks are attracted to mannish women, so perhaps this strange fact may have reached their ears too (and how could it not, when men’s fancies are no secret to women?). Beauty is extremely rare among them, and their docility toward their priests is strange. A woman will sometimes favor her priest over her husband, her children, and the rest of her family. It is inconceivable for her to partake of some special dish until she has given him the first taste, and she will eat only after he has eaten.

2.3.14

وقد بلغنى ان امراة سوقية متزوجة اى من حزب شيخ السوق رات رجلا جميلا من الخرجيين فاستخسرته فيهم * وقالت لو دخل هذا الرجل كنائسنا لزادت بهجة ورونقا * فارسلت اليه عجوزا تدعوه اليها فلبّى الفتى دعوتها * لان عداوة السوقيّين والخرجيّين انما هى مقصورة على الضواطرة والنجشيّين والمحترفيّين لا مبلغ لها عند الرجال والنسآ * ففاضت معه فى الحديث الى ان قالت له ان كنت تتبع طريقنا فانى امكّنك من نفسى ولا امنع عنك شيا * فقال لها الشاب اما الذهاب الى الكنيسة فاهون ما يكون علىّ لكونها قريبة من منزلى * واما الاعتقاد فكلينى الى نيّتى * فانى آنف من هذا الاعتراف الذى يكلفكم به القسيسون من اهل كنيستكم * وليس من طبعى الكذب والتدليس حتى اعترف للقسيس بالصغائر واكتم عنه الكبائر * كما يفعله كثير من السوقيين * او اذكر له ما لم افعله واخفى عنه ما فعلته * فتاوّهت المراة عند ذلك واطرقت وهى تفكّر وتحرك راسها * ثم قالت لا باس انّا ليكفينا منك الظاهر كما افادنيه قسيسى * ثم تعانقا وتعاشقا وجعل يتردد عليها وعلى الكنيسة معا * حتى ان الزوانى فى هذه الجزيرة متهوّسات فى الدين * فانك تجد فى بيت كل واحدة منهن عدة تماثيل وصور لمن يعبدونه من القديسين والقديسات * فاذا دخل الى احداهن فاسق ليفجر بها قلبت تلك التماثيل فادارت وجوهها الى الحائط لكيلا تنظر ما تفعله فتشهد عليها بالفجور فى يوم النشور *

I was told about a married Market-woman, meaning one belonging to the party of the Market Boss, who saw a handsome Bag-man, and, deciding it was a pity he should be theirs, said, “If that man enters our church, it will grow in sparkle and allure.” She therefore sent an old woman to him to invite him to visit her, and the young man obeyed her invitation, for the enmity between the Market-men and the Bag-men is limited to the market traders, the people who connive to drive up prices, and the professionals, and has no impact on ordinary men and women. She talked to him at length and eventually told him, “If you follow our path, I will give you the freedom of my body and forbid you nothing.” The young man replied, “As to going to your church, nothing could be easier for me, for it is close to my house, and as to your creed, leave that to my conscience, for I reject that ‘confession’ that the priests of your church force on you. Lying and cheating are not in my nature that I should confess to the priest my peccadilloes and suppress my major transgressions, as do many Market-men, or tell him what I haven’t done and hide from him what I have.” At this the woman sighed and bowed her head, pondering and nodding. Then she said, “So be it. It will be enough for us if you conform outwardly, or so my priest informs me.” Then they embraced and made love, and he started paying visits to her and the church together. Even wantons on this island are obsessed with religion, and you’ll see in their houses numerous statues and pictures of the saints, male and female, whom they worship, and when some lecher goes in to see one of them and perform debauchery with her, she turns the faces of the statuettes toward the wall so they can’t see what she’s doing and testify against her on the Day of Resurrection that she was a debauchee.

2.3.15

قال ومن خصائص اهل هذه الجزيرة انَهم يبغضون الغريب ويحبون ماله وهو غريب * فان مال الانسان عبارة عن حياته ودمه وذاته * حتى ان الانكليز اذا سالوا عن كمية ما يملكه الانسان من المال قالوا كم قيمة هذا الرجل * فيقال قيمته مثلًا الف ذهب * فكيف يتاتَّى لاحد ان يبغض آخر ويحب حياته * وانهم يتجاذبون كل غريب قدم اليهم * فياخذه واحد منهم بيده اليمنى ليريه النسآ * ويمسكه الآخر بالاخرى ليريه الكنائس والدولة لمن غلب *