Читать книгу LONER IN THE RUSH HOUR CROWD. I AM GOING TO KILL - Alexander Cherenov - Страница 2

I am going to kill, because I am a fool. If I were not a fool, I would sit at home and drink tea with jam. But I am a fool, and this is so. And so it is not from an excess of self-criticism. And not because there are not enough brains: alas, too much of them. Therefore, I am a fool not hopeless: principled. Having principles: what could be worse?! The order of the «hopeless one» gives, at least, hope on being. A principled fool not only has principles: he also «goes to the principle», going like a war. He climbs onto the wall, he knocks on the locked door. In a word, «causes fire to himself». He begs for trouble – and acquires requested.

All this is me, and all this because I have the wrong look on things. What does life teach us about the right look? That’s right: the right look is when you don’t look and see! In exact accordance with the installation «I see nothing». And, if also «nothing I don’t hear, I don’t know anything, I won’t say anything to anyone», this is a guarantee of longevity, because you will not touch anyone – and nobody will touch you… maybe… if you’re lucky…

But, at least, there is a chance! And the indifferent fool and there is no chance: after all, I am also an indifferent fool! Would be indifferent – would not be a fool. And, if there were – it is harmless, not interfering with anyone, first of all, to myself. As a result: I am doomed to loyalty to the priority of not personal health, but public. And in what form: through damage to the health of individuals, unless, of course, these flawed ones – and without my damage – can be considered personalities. And I am doomed not only to loyalty, but also to the ministry. And this already «obliges and imposes». Some declarations on the principles do not get off. We must prove them – and ourselves – on practice. And it is necessary to practice not on mannequins, but on living carriers of evil. Such, here, trouble happened to me. And it still happens. And all that is needed: pass by! At least, do not cling to personal complaints about the public, even if unwilling to! Alas…

The struggle for the right thing – through «going to work» – is hard work. Is what I do humanely? Well, this is how to look. Here already need a viewing angle. In the generally accepted sense, humanism is a principle of worldview, based on the belief in limitless human capabilities to improve, the requirement of freedom and protection the dignity of the individual, the idea of the human right to happiness and that satisfaction of his needs should be the ultimate goal of society. The text is not mine: from some dictionary. But our thoughts with the disinterested, I hope, the author, are in unison.

So, here: if we approach this principle from the point of view of «the life owners», then humanism is the exclusive right of the latter-day «navels of the earth». They do not accept any restrictions, nor even calls for moderation in the spirit of the attitude towards «rational egoism». «Mine is mine, and yours are mine too!» The case of Clovis lives and wins! Let even common sense and humanity itself prevail.

But there is another point of view: the priority of public interests over personal ones. In my «work» I slipped exactly to it, unintentionally, of course, through carelessness. And did not want: it happened. But, if objectively, outside of my «accident»: it «has the right on equal rights» with rival. Moreover, today the rights of this point are preemptive. Willingly or unwittingly, I myself make them so, giving them an advantage.

Like a sweet dream, I see a reverse perspective! Oh, I would not consider my identity through the prism of society! Not to contact him even through good deeds, because they all have one way out: «sideways and always to the benefactor. Better it will be so: «mine is mine, and yours is yours!» – in the sense of «your problems». And do not ship me a question about the relationship between the individual and society! I agree: even there, abroad, today have already «fed up» with their former priority. Understanding, that the public is above the personal, is now universal. That is, the individual must make room, and if she does not want, then press her. And even oppress. And this is in the mainstream of universal understanding too, even under ritual spells about human rights.

So what I have, to whom and what to refer to. In case if this will be necessary. I am not about the judgment of man, and even not the Last Judgment: the judgment of his soul. So far with this business is the order: we «reached an understanding» with a friend. And if I condemn myself for anything, it is solely for the absence of indifference, saving and beneficial one, elixir of life and peace of mind.

Hence is my point of view on the question: do I, the individual, need to compromise personal for the sake of society? And not only to compromise, but to stand up for the one, who supplies me with some problems? Isn’t it easier to turn on the defensive reflex: «I see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing to anyone»?! And I, as a person, would not associate with society, if not other «personalities». Unfortunately, I am a different person myself. Not average, but social activist in misfortune.

But I did not myself come to life like this: they brought me. Who are they? A strange question: «personality», of course! What exactly? Through their deeds, starting with the slogan «More socialism!» and ending with the slogan «Long live capitalism!»! Only in vain did they expect to find a lamb in me, at least, God’s lamb, at least, for the slaughter.

I say this not without regret, proceeding from the black envy of «trembling creatures», because I myself am one of those who have the «right». «Slaves, who are under the yoke, must honor their masters worthy of all honor» – it’s not about me. «Comrades-gentlemen» made a wrong address – and I made a wrong reaction. Because he explained to them, that «here you are not there». I explained lucidly, so that they not only reach them, but also that they «reach» – with my help immediately «to the point». To the last «point». To the finish line.

The eternal Russian question: «who is to blame?» I will be honest: both, but each in its own way. I am guilty of having responded. They – that provoked the reaction. They privatized my right to a decent life, and I went even further: privatized them themselves. I have privatized their bodies and the lives of these localities – and other comrades will, I hope, take care of their souls and lives there. And, I hope, not from the office of Our Lord.

Of course, I didn’t limit myself to choosing objects of work, and I do not confine myself only to the «mighty of this world» from yesterday’s speculators. Thanks to their activities and the very fact of their existence, I did not stay and for a long time I would not remain without work and clientele, because «the bond of time has broken». New times are incessantly «giving away» a new «product». A vivid example of loyalty to the law of unity and the struggle of opposites: there would be no happiness, but unhappiness would help. You can understand it – and you need – in two ways, including, as happiness for others – and misfortune for me. Unhappiness for a person deprived of indifference. The «product» of the new times is the scope of my efforts. In the spirit of the new time – or, more correctly, of the timelessness, I am a life privatizer. The chosen lives of the «chosen ones». They «chose» themselves – and I «chose» them, because they left me no choice.

Why did this happen and continue to happen? If not ascend to the times, described by Engels in his work «The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State», I will say this: «I cannot do otherwise». I myself could not: «comrades» helped me – those, who are «gentlemen». Well, they got help of those, who now comply with the slogan «who was nobody – he will become everything!» «in rewind mode»: those, who have become «nobody».

These «nobody» is no less evil, than those, «who have become all». After all, they give live to those, «other». They give to live by one fact of their existence! And not only to live, but also to create, exclusively in the meaning of «messing up», «getting up»! That is, all – on the line of evil. For the very act of the existence of those, who «became all» is evil! Because they live not only at the expense of «giving», but also at my expense! But I was not called a sponsor! So it turns out: «those, who made the return journey», are accomplices of evil and evil themselves. But evil must be fought: we have been bequeathed to this by folk tales. And not only Russians, but all the other nations of the world. So I fight – to the best of strength and capabilities.

I did not immediately come to the choice and «got on the road». For a long time I was «out of stock»: pretended to «smoke out». In strict accordance with the law of natural selection: «do not protrude out of the hole!» «Do not be noticeable – and they will not notice you!» And there, you will leave «your trick» somehow. The main thing is to always be in the right place at the right time, that is, nowhere and never. «I see nothing, hear nothing, know nothing, nothing to anyone I will not say». Ignorance is power, mimicry is a gift! And, if you still have brains, the chances of being increase many times over. It does not matter, that this is the being of a cockroach. «Jedem – das seine!»: «To each one – his own!» «With a strong do not fight, do not sue the rich!» proverb says. She speaks because she tried it on itself.

But I was not going to sue or fight. I was not even going contact anyone. And I didn’t want to go «on the road»: I was pushed out on it. Not life: the manifestations of its new owners! They – manifestations together with the owners – made two mistakes. First: they pushed me, pushed a caring person, who by its nature cannot «honor their masters worthy of all honor»! Second, they «made a mistake with the address», believing, that they had guided me on the right path: the path of «a slave, who was under the yoke». They could not imagine, that «we will go the other way»!

As a result, forced to reason, I reasoned like this: «If the Bolsheviks expropriated the expropriators, then why not push aside from their example, and not optimize the optimizers?! Is not the defense of oneself the first duty of man? Is not resistance to evil good? So why complicate the problem?! After all, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line! Hence: for good, too, must strive for the shortest way: through the elimination of evil… through the elimination of its carriers! In vain, perhaps, it is said, that everything ingenious is simple!»

Having become a «simple genius», I «pushed off» – and now I am producing «sweep rows». After such a «solo», who from decent people will turn his tongue to call me a serial killer? No one will turn! And if someone turns around, that «someone» is dishonest himself, because I’m not a serial killer and not a maniac. At the same time, I am not the avenger, not a «cleaner», and not a revolutionary. This is elementary: in vain did I, perhaps, burst into tears with the prologue?! I am like that because I got it. Me personally! «The soul of the poet did not endure». Well, somewhere «mine», of course, coincided with «our». Objectively: the good of all is above the good of the individual… «masters of life.»

Alas: it is not always possible to «stick to the line» in response to external stimuli. This is due to a heightened sense of justice. It is unfair because when unjust people live and thrive – at the expense of others always, even if the settlement and other accounts are their own. Therefore, I am «a little bit Dubrovsky» and «a little bit Robin Hood». Only, unlike them, I am on my own without flags and slogans, without a «support» resource «in the face of a group of comrades», without the need for publicity. I am one soldier in the field, «lone wolf», but not «the orderly of nature». I did not «subscribe» and did not hire. And I am not programmed to improve the breed. Well, here, I do not set global goals – neither before myself, nor before the masses, nor before the objects of work. I do not wave the flag, do not climb the podium, and do not rush to the microphone. I do not call anyone and do not raise anyone in the spirit of «Arise, o mighty Land!» And I do not act «on behalf of», even for the good of those without whose authority I completely get around.

And everything is because I am not… (see the list above). Well, I do not have such a need and there are no such genes. And such a person is not from nature: from such a life. Before – in my old life – I was not like that. Because before there was no such life. In a past life, I was «no one», who «would become everything». In this life I did the «return trip», «made a maneuver in the other direction». Not by my own will, of course. Only willfulness is a double-edged sword. Without knowing it and not wanting it, his source reoriented me to the «other value system» with the same will. The one in which the biggest is human life of the specific person. With only one «but»: in terms of her weaning from him, solely in order to save the lives of everyone else.

I already hear the question: «By what right?! Who gave it to you?!» The question would have been legitimate if it were not for the iniquity that called me to work watch, the lawlessness of the new «masters», even if elevated to the degree of law. It was this that gave rise to my lawlessness – according to the law of the investigation and the reason. How goes around comes around, so will respond! But my lawlessness is just a natural reaction to legalized lawlessness. Under this set, I had the legal right to assert my rights to the rights! And I declared them.

How did I declare? It was very simple: I took it! Following the example of the cinematic Abdullah, to whom Allah said: «If you are strong and brave, go and take it yourself!» I will not say anything for strength and courage, but I «went and took»! So, no one gave me anything, because I «did not go out with a petition»! «In the struggle you will find your right!» – «decreed» the Social Revolutionaries. I just improved the slogan – and gained the right before the fight, in future – so as not to be distracted.

Well, to the question about the law… Well, the one that is «for what». So, after all: «Do I have a trembling creature or do I have the right?» And my court is fair, quick, accessible in form, without corrupt judges, lawyers, officials. I work accurately and precisely, quickly and ruthlessly like a surgeon. Yes, I am a surgeon: remove malignant tumors… from life and society.

Why did it happen so? No, not even that: why did I happen to be like this? Probably, it happened so because it would be boring to live without fools with principles, of course. We, such, interfere with the settling of what should not resist. It does not pay us dividends, but this is our destiny. Like that hump of a camel. I already said: «I cannot otherwise». Could I, it would be different: elementary!

Yes, and then: «who if not me?!» No, I do not climb on a pedestal with a large chest. This is a topic of high esteem. Alas, everything is much simpler: if not me, then nobody. No one breaks into the guardians of justice. At least, no one cares about it in practice. That is, by specific deeds. Good intentions do not count: what is lined with them has long been known. I do not harbor good intentions, and I do not sum up a scientific base for my actions. I just act. I pay my due, without waiting for the Court to a hypothetically Higher Instance. Because it’s impossible to wait for it: there are everywhere procrastination and formalism!

Instead of this tedious occupation, which is not even guaranteed, I am already calmly and efficiently «cleaning the object». «I clean» not under the contract, but at the behest of the heart: «I cannot otherwise». I have no scheduled tasks, but I have a plan. No, not a plan for the shaft and not a «dream-idea», as one comrade said. I do not build communism in a single yard. Such plans I do not have. My plan is simple: «I’m alone on the road». But go out not from the bay-floundering, but according to the plan.

According to the plan I have «not a single day without achievement». «Rumbled»? Okay, let’s lower the bar: «Not a day without good deeds». Of course, about the «day» – that’s a small emotional overlap also. Good deed is not a must. And then what are my words about the absence of scheduled tasks? A good deed is, sorry for the high calm, the flight of the soul! This is a rush! Well, remember: «the soul’s wonderful impulses», which must be «dedicated» to Motherland.

My impulse is from the same «string bag». I, of course, specially I do not «dedicate», but I think, that my impulses are for the benefit and good. To whom? To Motherland, of course! After all, if I’m not looking for personal benefits, then their recipient is different! And, if I optimize the «villain of social significance», then only society can be a «recipient of dividends»! I, though not a «sanitary order of nature by definition», but also sanitize! I’m improving too! I contribute without even setting such a goal! As a non-revolutionary and «a little bit of Don Quixote», I am just a partial person. But everyone would be so indifferent! How would we live, even and the smaller number, but the highest quality!

But, alas: we are such living minerals. I am so generally one, alone in this anthill. I am loner in the rush hour’s crowd. Only form is romantic, not content. And in a world full of people, you cannot just piece: lonely. But I am not a «lonely monk, wandering in the rain under a leaky umbrella». I prefer Confucius Ibn-Sin:

«I am alone, but do not consider me wrong,

For the true faith I am the first example».

This is much more optimistic and closer to the image. I, such, am the one, but am I the only one? Jesus, Mahomet, Buddha, Lucifer – we are all kin… along the line of loneliness! And yet we are all colleagues, even though of different appeal, but one vocation! Our role: working with the team. «Everything is in the name of man, everything is in the good of man!» Each of us found himself in the work with others! We all fight and embody. We fight for the happiness of mankind, we embody the ideals, each in its own way. For example, I fight in line with the optimization of villains and their nutrient medium.

So, it turns out: small spool, yes roads! That’s immodest, but it’s me – about me. About who is small in number, but great in works. Although works – to do, do not alter! For my works are derived from the works of democracy. She did her dirty deed: she took away the last brains of the masses not overweight. In the absence of brains, «People» healed belly. To me, he is not an assistant. Moreover, sometimes he himself is the object of work, because with missing brains he is «on the other side». And it does not matter, that he does not understand this. For me it does not matter. I am not an educator: I am a «terminator», «finisher» of human copies. And if people are in the way of my ideas about good and evil, I remove the obstacle. For me, he and his antipode: «the powers that be» are two sides of the same coin, whose name is «Evil».

A little more «tear the stripped vest»: indifference in me because I am not a democrat. «Democracy» is good only in the book and only as a concept. In life, it is cut off from the roots, and exists separately, itself by oneself. as an abstraction, which has become its opposite in practice, as the opposite of the claimed reputation. Here, they say: «democratic state». How can this be, if democracy is the power of the people, and the state is the apparatus for the suppression of the majority in the interests of the minority? It turns out: the power of the people – as the power over the people! It’s original, but only in the «black and white» format!

But the people are not those. who are on top! Not those, who are «above»! The people are me! And he! And they! Hence, the power are we: me, he, they! More precisely: the branches of power! We are the branches of power, not corrupt deputies, bureaucrats and bandits in police uniform! And, if they are «branches», then of another power. Not popular: «democratic». They are dry branches. And dry branches are cut mercilessly – any gardener will tell you!

I believe that for the first time I have illuminated myself enough, although do not like to «shine». After all, for the «knife and ax worker» day is night. But «to consolidate the past» – once again: I am not a «orderly» or avenger. I just can’t hold back. I can’t pass by. And now I came out «not to be able» and «not to pass by»…