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ONE-NIGHT STANDS

The Fast Food of the Relationship Banquet

I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

DUDLEY MOORE

Ah, yes, the one-night stand.

I’m sure we all have cherished memories of the dawn walk of shame: teetering along on our 5in spike-heel Manolo’s, double-shot latte in hand, wearing last night’s crumpled barfly outfit (comprising of teeny top and even teenier skirt), and with mascara streaked halfway down our faces. All in all the image of an unmade bed on stilts desperately trying to be invisible whilst actually sticking out like a sore thumb, attracting knowing looks from those more sensible souls heading for the gym or the office, as one really should be at this time of morning, making us feel rather akin to an alley cat coming home with the milk.

I have never understood what compels us to engage in the somewhat empty activity that is the one-night stand. It must be, by definition, fairly average or surely we would want to repeat it? (There are, of course, exceptions to this rule: those times when it was wonderful but circumstances prevailed, although these instances are few and far between.)

Don’t get me wrong, I as much as the next girl recognise the pull of that ‘eyes across a crowded room’ moment where two people are inexplicably drawn to each other and suddenly your knickers are on fire. Raw passion, bring it on.

I know lots of people whose entire sexual raison d’être is built around casual encounters with strangers. They regularly pick up random cute, fun strangers for a one-nighter, fully aware it’s not the start of anything; indeed, in most cases, the act of copulation signifies the end. Somewhat embarrassingly, should these two bon viveurs accidentally bump into each other sometime further down the line they either ignore each other totally, or mumble a quick hello and head for the nearest exit, despite having been as close as two people can be and having shared bodily fluids.

A one-night stand is rather like eating too much junk food: good at the time, but you feel like crap afterwards.

Leaping into bed with someone too soon can kill off a potential relationship quicker than anything I know. It tends to happen at the dead of night after two people who hardly know each other share one too many cocktails. Having done the deed, one of them has to take the walk of shame as they’ve ended up on the opposite side of town from where they live and they have to be up for work/an early meeting/their kids, etc. Next morning both parties are a little fuzzy about who they were with and what happened. To quote one particular friend, ‘if you can’t remember it, it doesn’t count.’

Whilst a part of me can see the argument for uncomplicated, no-strings sex I also think if you have a great first date, or even if you’ve just met someone in a bar and you like them enough to play hide the sausage, why not get to know them a little better first?

I have a couple of girlfriends (names withheld to protect the not-so-innocent) who, frankly, would love to be in a proper relationship. They are attractive, sexy, intelligent women with great jobs and are much sought after by the opposite sex. They are actively looking for something longer term, yet they scupper every possibility of a man asking them out by dragging him home the first time they meet (in some cases quite literally dragging), having a quick bonk and then getting upset when he doesn’t call or send flowers the next day. Whaddaya expect? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

It’s my theory that all men are hunters; they enjoy the chase, it satisfies some primeval macho need within them. Equally, just as Mother Nature intended, women love being pursued. So why should we mess up this vitally important component of the courtship ritual?

Men enjoy the thrill of the chase. Conversely, women love being pursued and, come on ladies admit it, we all enjoy playing a little hard to get. So what is the point of this ‘sniff, sniff, you’re nice’ instant gratification?

One-night stands may well have their attraction, but when we are actively seeking ‘the one’ perhaps we should consider taking a little time to woo and be wooed?

I have been on more laps than a napkin.

MAE WEST

For those mornings when we crash through the front door at 6am feeling a little worse for wear due to lack of sleep, far too many cocktails and the ensuing walk of shame, here’s a little schedule that I promise will have you on your feet, at the office on time and back to your sparkling old self in the wink of an eye.

1 The very first thing that must be done once you’ve staggered through the door is to put the kettle on. Secondly, pour yourself a small glass of water, preferably at room temperature, and mix in 4 drops of milk thistle tincture and a good squeeze of lemon. Down it in one. (Funnily enough in much the same way you were downing tequila shots a few hours ago.)

2 Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil remove all clothing, including jewellery, and take a hot shower. Just before you finish, turn off the hot tap completely and blast your senses awake with 20 seconds of icy cold water. It may sound barbaric, but it works.

3 Before drying off, moisturise your entire body with baby oil (nothing makes your skin feel softer and it must be applied whilst you’re still wet), and then wrap yourself up in the biggest, fluffiest towel you possess.

4 The kettle will have boiled by now, so brew an exceptionally strong pot of coffee and rustle up two slices of toast topped with honey and mashed banana. Curl up in front of breakfast television until feelings of wellbeing return. (Caffeine, carbohydrates and potassium, found in bananas, are the holy trinity of hangover cures. Watching telly simply diverts your attention away from how crap you feel.)

5 When you feel human enough to get dressed, choose your outfit for the day carefully; make sure it’s something you feel good in, preferably tailored and razor-sharp. If at all possible avoid your usual route to work if it involves crowded buses or, worse, the tube; either walk or take a cab, stopping off on the way for a large fresh carrot and green apple juice. A little pampering and indulgence intensifies feelings of wellbeing which will in turn lessen both the hangover and any residual negative feelings resulting from the walk of shame.

Yes, I know, never again.