Читать книгу Bad Dad - Alice Shane - Страница 21

Danny hated Mary Lou most when he was at work, when he had to brace himself to climb utility poles, taking deep breaths to dispel the fear that caused his muscles to stiffen in protest. Part of his job involved the installation and repair of electrical wires, a hazard he faced on a daily basis. The image of his dead friend, Cal, electrocuted a year earlier when live wires tumbled onto his plastic helmet, welding it to his flesh, still haunted him, coloring his feelings for his work and his marriage.

Was Mary Lou worth dying for, he asked himself, knowing that she wasn’t and never would be. What had he done to himself?

No wonder Dad was disappointed in him, Danny reflected. His father had provided him with every advantage, every benefit, and in return, expected him to exercise good judgment. He should have known better. To have grown up in privilege and wind up like this was incomprehensible, even to himself, an attitude that took hold since his father’s reappearance in his life.

He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to leave Mary Lou. The love he once felt for her, that had given him a sense of wholeness and purpose, had disappeared from the seat of his heart, although he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when that happened. Was it when Cal died on the wires, reinforcing his own fears, a reminder of his own mortality? Here he was, only 28, and worried about his life being snuffed out on the job. Or was he influenced by bulletins he received from Bridgefield Academy with news about his classmates who had good jobs, or were lawyers, doctors, business owners – guys who had the sense to go to college and marry girls from their own social class.

Mary Lou had once made him feel special, manly when they were younger, before he graduated from Bridgefield, before Charlie was born. She had been a refuge from his mother’s craziness after his parents’ divorce. Dad was always flying back and forth to Wyoming, or hunting big game in Africa, leaving him alone with Gloria, whose ferocious temper and unpredictable moods scared the shit out of him. She had a way of making him feel unwanted, treating him like an intruder during her exploits with men she brought home. They would fornicate in her bedroom, across the hall from his. He could hear thumping sounds, his mother’s groans, male voices, foul language. Their presence made him want to hide, become invisible, to avoid their ire and potential for physical brutality.

How would it be possible to leave Mary Lou? Even if he divorced her, he would have to fork over alimony for the rest of his life while she would have the freedom to run around with other men on his dime. For all he knew, she was doing that now, fucking around when he was working so hard to take care of her and the kid. The thought that she might possibly be so heartless, so lacking in appreciation of his efforts to sustain them, filled him with rage.

He was doomed to be a lineman forever – a thought that overwhelmed him, filling him with sadness. One day, it would all be over – he would become entangled in electric wires, electrocuted, burnt to a crisp, or simply fall to his death from stress and exhaustion.

He now understood what his father went through during and after his divorce. His mother wouldn’t let go, used the courts to blackmail him for years, until her recent death. Fortunately, Dad had the wherewithal to fight and win most of Gloria’s lawsuits. But he, Danny, would be a sitting duck for Mary Lou’s spite and greed, without the money to legally protect himself.

No way out. He was stuck, Danny thought, his life sucked away by this marriage, this woman. He fantasized about suffocating her with a pillow and transporting her body to a place where it would never be found. He would bury her on his father’s Wyoming game preserve or throw her body into a ravine where she would be devoured by wolves.

At night, when he climbed into bed, he would study Mary Lou as she slept, watch her breathe, her movements, faint sounds emanating from her throat, try to imagine how he could unburden himself of this parasitic woman who had imprisoned him.

But Danny knew her disappearance would result in a manhunt and a search for her body. The police would regard him with suspicion. The very thought of these complications stopped him. Besides, he wasn’t a particularly good liar. And even if he got away with murder, little Charlie would be without a mother. Ultimately, the boy might grow up wondering if he, Danny, had something to do with her disappearance. He didn’t want to hurt Charlie. Whether the kid was really his flesh and blood was open to question, what with Charlie having been given Mary Lou’s maiden name, Smith, at birth before they were married. But what did that matter? He loved Charlie just the same.

For now, he must erase these fantasies from his consciousness and seek options that would make his life more bearable.