Читать книгу Maybe This Christmas…? - Алисон Робертс - Страница 7

Christmas: ten years ago

‘IT’S a big ask, Gemma. I know that.’

The PICU consultant was dressed in a dinner suit, complete with a black velvet bow-tie. He was running late for a Christmas Eve function. Gemma already felt guilty for calling him in but she’d had no choice, had she? Her senior registrar and the consultant on duty were caught up dealing with a six-month-old baby in heart failure and a new admission with a severe asthma attack.

The deterioration in five-year-old Jessica’s condition had been inevitable but the decision to withdraw treatment and end the child’s suffering had certainly not been one a junior doctor could make.

‘You don’t have to do it immediately,’ her consultant continued. ‘Any time tonight is all right. Wait until you’ve got the support you need. I’m sorry… but I really can’t stay. This function is a huge deal for my daughter. She’s leading in the carol choir doing a solo of “Once in Royal David’s City” and if I don’t make it my name will be mud and tomorrow’s…’

‘Christmas.’ Gemma nodded. She managed a smile. ‘Family time that shouldn’t be spoiled if it can be helped.’

‘You’ve got it.’ The older man sighed. ‘If there was any chance of improving the outcome by heroic measures right now I’d stay, of course. But we’d only be prolonging the inevitable.’

‘I know.’

They’d all known that almost as soon as Jessica had been admitted. The battle against cancer had been going on for half the little girl’s life and she’d seemed to be in remission but any infection in someone with a compromised immune system was potentially catastrophic.

Over the last few days they had been fighting multiorgan failure and the decision that had been made over the last hour had been much bigger than whether or not to begin dialysis to cope with her kidneys shutting down.

Gemma had to swallow the lump in her throat. ‘I just don’t understand why her mother won’t come back in.’

‘She’s a foster-mother, Gemma,’ he reminded her. ‘She loves Jessica dearly but she’s got six other children at home and… it’s Christmas Eve. She was in here for most of the day and she’s said her goodbyes. It’s not as if Jessica’s going to wake up. You’ll take her off the life support and she’ll just stop breathing. It probably won’t take very long.’ The consultant glanced at his watch as he reached for a pen. ‘I’ll write it up. As I said, I know it’s a big ask. No one will blame you if you’re not up for it but I know how much time you’ve spent with her since her admission and I thought…’

Gemma took a shaky inward breath. Yes, she’d spent a lot of time with Jessica. Too much, probably, especially before she’d been sedated and put on life support. Certainly enough time to have fallen in love with the child and, if the closest thing to a mother she had couldn’t be here at the end then someone who loved her was surely next best.

‘I can do it,’ she whispered. ‘But… not just yet.’

‘Take all the time you need.’ The consultant signed his name on the order and turned to leave. He paused to offer Gemma a sympathetic smile. ‘You’re one of the best junior doctors I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with,’ he said, ‘but this isn’t a time for being brave and trying to cope on your own. Every person who works in here will understand how tough this is. Take your pick but find someone to lean on, OK?’

Gemma couldn’t speak. She could only nod.

It was the way she was standing that caught his attention.

She looked as though she was gathering resolution to dive into a pool of icy water. Or knock on a door when she knew that somebody she really didn’t want to see was going to answer the summons. What was going on in that closed room of the PICU? Andrew Baxter had to focus to tune back into what his registrar was saying.

‘So we’ll keep up the inotropic support overnight.

Keep an eye on all the parameters, especially urine output. If it hasn’t picked up by morning we’ll be looking at some more invasive treatment for the heart failure.’ The registrar yawned. ‘Call me if anything changes but, in the meantime, I’m going to get my head down for a bit.’ His smile was cheerful. ‘You get to stay up and mind the shop. One of the perks of being the new kid on the block.’

‘I don’t mind.’ Andy returned the smile, aware of the woman still standing as still as a statue outside that room. He hesitated only briefly after his companion left.

‘Hey.’ His greeting was quiet. ‘Do you… um… need any help?’

She looked up at him and Andy was struck by two things. The first, and most obvious, was the level of distress in her eyes. The second was the eyes themselves. He’d never seen anything like them. Flecks of gold in the rich hazel depths and an extraordinary rim of the same gold around the edges of the irises. He couldn’t help holding the eye contact for longer than he should with someone he’d never met but she didn’t seem to mind. One side of her mouth curved upwards in a wry smile.

‘Got a bit of courage to spare?’

Andy could feel himself standing a little bit taller. Feeling more confident than he knew he had a right to. ‘You bet,’ he said. ‘How much would you like?’

‘Buckets,’ she said, a tiny wobble in her voice. ‘Have you ever had to turn off someone’s life support?’

Andy blew out a slow breath. ‘Hardly. I’m a baby doctor. I started in the August intake and I’ve only just begun my second rotation.’

‘Me, too.’

‘And your team has left you to deal with this on your own?’ Andy was horrified.

She shook her head. ‘I get to choose a support person. My registrar is busy with the other consultant on the asthma case that came in a little while ago and the other registrar on duty is in with a baby. I think it’s a cardiac case.’

Andy nodded. ‘It is. I’m on a cardiology run. Six-month-old that’s come in with heart failure. I’ll probably be here all night, monitoring him. At the moment they’re trying to decide whether to take him up to the cath lab for a procedure. I got sent out to check availability.’

‘Sounds full on.’

‘It won’t be. If we’re not going to the cath lab immediately I’ll be floating around here pretty much for hours.’ Andy tried to sound casual but her words were echoing in his head. She was allowed to choose a support person. The desire to be that person came from nowhere but it was disturbingly strong. It was emotional support she needed, not medical expertise, and surely he would understand how she would be feeling better than anyone else around here. They were both baby doctors and he knew how nervous he’d be in her position. How hard something like this would be.

Andy gave her an encouraging smile. ‘I could be your support person.’

Gemma could feel her eyes widening.

She didn’t even know this guy’s name and he was being so… nice.

Genuine, too. He had dark brown eyes that radiated warmth. And understanding. Well, that made sense. He was at the same stage of his career as she was with hers and he’d never been in this position. Maybe, like her, he still hadn’t even seen someone actually die. Gemma could be quite sure that anyone else here in the PICU had seen it before. It didn’t mean that they wouldn’t be able to support her but they might have forgotten just how scary it was that first time. Not knowing how it might hit you. How unprofessional you might end up looking…

Gemma didn’t want to look unprofessional. Not in front of people who were more senior to herself and might judge her for it.

Kind eyes was smiling at her. ‘Sorry—I haven’t even introduced myself. Andrew Baxter. Andy…’ He held out his hand.

Gemma automatically took the hand. It was warm and big and gave hers a friendly squeeze rather than a formal shake. He let go almost immediately but she could still feel the warmth. And the strength.

‘I’m Gemma,’ she told him.

‘Hello, Gemma.’ Andy’s smile faded and he looked suddenly sombre. ‘Would you like me to check with my consultant about whether it’s OK for me to hang out with you for a while?’

Gemma found herself nodding. ‘I’ll ask whether someone more senior has to be there. But there’s no rush,’ she added hurriedly. ‘I wanted to just sit with Jessie for a bit first.’

He held her gaze for a moment, a question in his eyes. And then he nodded as though he approved of the plan.

‘I’ll come and find you,’ he promised.

It was remarkably private in one of these areas of the PICU when the curtains were drawn over the big windows and the door was closed.

Remarkably quiet, too, with just the gentle hiss of the ventilator and muted beeping from the bank of monitoring equipment.

The nurse had given Gemma a concerned look before she’d left her alone in there with Jessica.

‘Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?’

Gemma shook her head and offered a faint smile. ‘Thanks, but I need to do this in my own time,’ she said. ‘And… I think one of the other house officers is going to come and keep me company for a bit.’

The door opened quietly a few minutes later and then closed again. Andy moved with unusual grace for a big man as he positioned a chair and then sat down so that he was looking across the bed at Gemma.

Except he wasn’t looking at Gemma. His gaze was fixed on Jessica’s pale little face. He reached out and made her hand disappear beneath his.

‘Hello, there, Jessie,’ he whispered. ‘I’m Andy. I’m Gemma’s friend.’

Gemma liked that. She certainly needed a friend right now.

For several minutes they simply sat there in silence.

‘Do you think she’s aware of anything?’ Gemma asked softly.

‘I had a look at her chart on the way in,’ Andy responded. ‘She’s well sedated so I’m sure she’s not in any pain.’

‘But nobody really knows, do they? Whether there’s an awareness of… something.’

‘Something like whether there’s somebody there that cares about you?’

‘Mmm.’ Gemma took hold of Jessie’s other hand as she looked up. Away from the harsh strip lighting of the main area of the PICU, Andy’s face looked softer. His dark hair was just as tousled, the strong planes of his cheeks and jaw a little less craggy and his eyes were even warmer.

But what was really appealing was that he seemed to get what she was doing in here. Why it was important. His posture was also relaxed enough to suggest he wasn’t going to put any pressure on her to hurry what had to be done.

‘I saw she had a guardian listed as next of kin rather than family but…’ Andy shook his head. ‘I still don’t understand why it’s just us in here.’

‘She’s fostered,’ Gemma told him. ‘She was in foster-care even before she was diagnosed with a brain tumour over two years ago and she’s had major medical issues ever since. There are very few foster-parents out there who would be prepared to cope with that.’ She knew she was sounding a bit defensive but she knew how hard it could be.

‘And the woman who’s been doing it has a bunch of other kids who need her tonight. She’s been in here half the day and… she couldn’t face this.’

‘But you can.’ The statement was quiet and had a strong undercurrent of admiration.

Gemma’s breath came out in a short huff. ‘I don’t know about that. It’s…’ For some strange reason she found herself on the verge of dumping her whole life history onto someone who was a stranger to her, which was pretty weird when she was such a fiercely private person. ‘It’s complicated.’

Andy said nothing for another minute or so. Then he cleared his throat. ‘So… where did you do your training?’

‘Birmingham.’ Gemma felt herself frowning. What on earth did this have to do with anything? Then she got it. Andy wanted to give her some time to get used to him. To trust him? Given that she’d learned not to trust people very early in life it was a strategy she could appreciate. Oddly, it felt redundant. How could she not instinctively trust someone who had such kind eyes?

Her abrupt response was still hanging in the air. Gemma cleared her throat. ‘How ‘bout you? Where did you train?’

‘Cambridge.’

‘Nice.’

Andy nodded. ‘What made you choose Birmingham?’

‘I lived there. With my younger sister.’ Gemma paused for a heartbeat. Reminded herself that Andy was trying to build trust here and it couldn’t hurt to help. ‘She was still at school,’ she added, ‘and I didn’t want to move her.’

Andy’s eyebrows rose. ‘There was just the two of you?’

It was Gemma’s turn to nod. And then she took a deep breath. Maybe she needed to accelerate this ‘getting to know you’ phase because she really did need a friend here. Someone she could trust. Someone who knew they could trust her. Or maybe it had already been accelerated because of an instant connection that somehow disengaged all her normal protective mechanisms.

‘We were foster-kids,’ she told him quietly. ‘I got guardianship of Laura as soon as I turned eighteen. She was thirteen then.’

She could feel the way his gaze was fixed on her even though she was keeping her head bowed, watching as she rubbed the back of Jessie’s hand with her thumb.

‘Wow… That’s not something siblings often do for each other. Laura’s very lucky to have you for a sister.’

‘No. I’m the lucky one. Laura’s an amazing person. One of those naturally happy people, you know? She can make everyone around her feel better just by being there.’

‘You’re both lucky, then,’ Andy said. ‘Me, I’m an only child. I dreamt of having a sibling. Lots of them, in fact. I couldn’t think of anything better than having a really big family but it never happened.’ He shrugged, as though excusing Gemma from feeling sorry for him. ‘Guess it’ll be up to me to change the next Baxter generation.’

‘You want lots of kids?’

‘At least half a dozen.’ Andy grinned. ‘What about you?’

Gemma shook her head sharply.

‘You don’t want kids?’

‘Sure. One or two. But that’s so far into the future it doesn’t register yet.’ She could feel her spine straighten a little. ‘I haven’t worked as hard as I have not to make sure I get my career exactly where I want it before I take time off to have a baby.’

‘Going to be rich and famous, huh?’

‘That’s the plan.’ Oh, help… that had sounded shallow hadn’t it? ‘Secure, anyway,’ Gemma added. ‘And… respected, I guess.’

Andy nodded as though he understood where she was coming from. ‘How old were you when you went into foster-care?’

‘I was eight. Laura was only three. Luckily we got sent places together. Probably because I kicked up such a fuss if they made noises about separating us and also because I was prepared to take care of Laura myself.’ She looked up then and offered a smile. ‘I was quite likely to bite anybody that tried to take over.’

Andy grinned. ‘I can believe that.’ Then his face sobered again. He looked at Jessie and then back at Gemma. He didn’t say anything but she knew he was joining the dots. She didn’t need to spell out the complexities of why she felt a bond with this child and why it was important for her to be here with her at the end of her short life.

‘You’re quite something, aren’t you?’ he said finally.

A warm glow unfurled somewhere deep inside Gemma but outwardly all she did was shrug. ‘I wouldn’t say that.’

‘I would. You completed your medical degree. It was hard enough for me and I had family support and no responsibilities. I’ve still got a pretty impressive student debt.’

‘Tell me about it.’ But Gemma didn’t want to go there. She’d shared more than enough of her difficult background. Any more and they’d need to bring in the violins and that was definitely not an atmosphere that was going to help get her into the right space for what had to come. The task she still wasn’t quite ready for. Time to change the subject and get to know her new friend a little better. ‘What made you choose to go into medicine?’

‘I think I always wanted to be a doctor. My dad’s a GP in Norwich.’

‘Family tradition?’

Andy grinned. ‘Familiar, anyway. I just grew up knowing that the only thing I wanted to be was a doctor. Maybe I was too lazy to think of anything else I wanted to be.’ His gaze was interested. ‘How ‘bout you?’

‘Laura had to have her appendix out when she was seven and the surgeon was the loveliest woman, who arranged permission for me to stay in the hospital with her for a couple of days. I fell in love with both the surgeon and the hospital. Plus, I had to choose a career that would enable me to always be able to take care of my sister.’