Читать книгу Where I Found You - Amanda Brooke, Amanda Brooke - Страница 10

On Monday morning, between her steady stream of clients, Maggie caught up with other chores. Occasionally she picked up the telephone but didn’t dial. She wanted to phone her dad and at least capture some of the joy being denied her, but now was not the time to tell him she was pregnant. Stan had struggled through the first year without his wife but by all accounts he was slowly adapting to his new way of life in Spain. If Maggie was ever going to convince him that she could manage without him then she would have to at least sound stronger than she felt right now.

Maggie inhaled the scent of clove bud as she prepared a gentle ointment to ease Lily’s teething pain. The essential oil’s stimulating properties weren’t enough to give her the courage she needed to step out of her treatment room but she left anyway.

‘You’ve had a busy morning,’ Kathy remarked. ‘I was starting to think you were avoiding me.’

Kathy had a perceptive eye that was an equal match for Maggie’s ability to read a person’s face by the tone of their voice. They each had their own ways of recognising a lie when they heard it so Maggie didn’t try. ‘I know she’s your friend, Kath, but—’

‘It’s all right, I know. I’ve spoken to Judith and she’s worked herself up into a right state. And I’m afraid I haven’t helped.’ Kathy sighed. ‘I let slip that I’d known for a while about the baby.’

‘Surely she can’t be surprised that I didn’t want to tell her? Her reaction was always going to be awful.’

‘And was it?’

This was exactly the line of questioning Maggie had wanted to avoid. So far she’d kept Judith’s most cutting remarks to herself, not wanting to put James in an awkward position, and it was the same with Kathy. ‘Why are you two such good friends again?’ she asked now.

‘Having an old grouch around makes me feel younger.’

Maggie returned the smile she had heard in Kathy’s voice. ‘And I always thought it was owning a beauty parlour that guaranteed you eternal youth,’ she said, although Kathy had a point. The two might be the same age but that was where the similarities ended. Whereas Judith was already changing down a gear, Kathy had no intention of growing old gracefully. Her hair was cut in a modern style, short and spiky to accentuate her fine bone structure and she described the colour as platinum blonde although it felt coarse enough to be completely grey without the helping hand of peroxide. As a regular to Maggie’s massage table, Maggie knew that Kathy hadn’t completely avoided the signs of aging, but although there were the odd wrinkles here and there, her skin was smooth and retained enough elasticity to keep her looks as youthful as her outlook.

‘Please don’t go losing sleep over Judith. She’s only panicking because she wants what’s best for James. And you,’ Kathy added but not quickly enough.

Maggie shrugged. ‘You were right first time. Sorry, Kath, but I have to go. I promised to meet Jenny at the bank,’ she said and made her escape before her resolve to keep quiet weakened even further.

Slipping on her sunglasses to block out the muted sunshine trickling across her vision, Maggie and Harvey headed in the direction of the bank, but no sooner had they set off than they came to a sudden halt.

‘Hi, I’m here,’ Jenny announced. She sounded out of breath as if she had been running. ‘The nursery phoned and they’re desperate for this miracle cure you promised me.’

‘How is Lily?’ Maggie asked as she handed it over. They turned together and continued along the route to the nursery, which was the same direction as the park where Maggie was heading next.

‘Red-faced and grumpy.’

‘And you?’

‘The same,’ Jenny quipped.

‘I’ve been worried,’ Maggie confessed. ‘I know you were annoyed with Mark for dragging you away last night but it sounded like there was more to it than that. What’s going on?’

‘Oh, something and nothing.’

They had reached the entrance to the park and came to a stop. ‘And the truth?’ Maggie said not willing to accept the prevarication.

Jenny sucked air through clenched teeth as she tried to hold back her feelings. It didn’t work. ‘Mark’s been working all the hours God sends and I know it’s tough for estate agents right now but he doesn’t seem to recognise how hard it is for me too. I’ve only been back at work a few weeks but I seem to be the one who’s expected to juggle everything: the baby, the job, and the house. Look at me now, rushing over to the nursery to look after our daughter on my so-called lunch break. It’s bloody hard, Maggie.’

Jenny’s breath caught in her throat but it was Maggie who gasped back the sob. The seed of doubt planted by Judith had burst through to the surface and was tearing up the foundations of the life Maggie’s mum had spent decades building for her daughter.

‘Maggie? What’s wrong?’ Jenny grasped both of Maggie’s hands in her own.

‘If you can’t cope then what hope do I have, Jen?’ she said in the barest whisper.

Jenny squeezed Maggie’s hands. ‘Don’t pay any attention to me, all I need is a bit of “me” time. What’s happened, Maggie? It’s bloody Judith, isn’t it?’

‘Yes … no … I don’t know. She thinks I’m deliberately setting out to destroy James’s life and I’m starting to think that’s exactly what I’ll end up doing. So much is going to change and it scares me. I want to have it all, Jenny. The baby, the job, the house,’ she said, making a feeble joke of Jenny’s earlier complaint, ‘but how can I? It’s not just about finding the time for everything; even the finances don’t stack up. If I went back to work then I’d have to put the baby in a nursery but I doubt I’d earn enough to cover the fees. That’s why James wanted Judith to help look after the baby. Thank God she doesn’t want to. Am I being selfish?’

‘You’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s all, but why make it harder than it needs to be? If I had the choice, I’d give up work like a shot and it might give you the time you need to settle into motherhood.’

Maggie’s heart sank. It wasn’t the answer she had wanted to hear. She wasn’t ready to give up the business she had worked so hard for.

‘But,’ Jenny continued, ‘if you’re insisting on being superwoman, so what if you can’t cover the nursery fees? Make James work twice as hard to make up the difference. It’s the least he can do for letting Judith upset you.’

Maggie wanted to smile but despite Jenny’s faith, her superhuman powers failed her. ‘James is blissfully unaware. All he remembers of Saturday night is demolishing a bottle of single malt in the kitchen with his dad to wet the baby’s head.’

‘He knows. Maybe he didn’t hear everything Judith said about the baby but he couldn’t ignore the constant references she made to Carolyn.’

‘Comparisons, you mean. I think she’s still waiting for the day when Carolyn realises she’s made a terrible mistake and begs James to take her back. But in answer to your question, yes he can ignore that too. Given the choice, James is more than happy to stick his head in the sand,’ Maggie said but then regretted her harsh assessment of her husband. ‘But that’s only because he’s such a gentle soul and that’s why I love him so much.’

‘Gentle soul or not, he won’t appreciate his wife pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. Talk to him.’

‘I don’t want to be the cause of a family rift, not after everything James has been through already.’

‘You wouldn’t be the cause of a rift, Judith would. Tell him.’

‘OK,’ Maggie said with no intention of doing so. ‘But only on the condition that you talk to Mark about how you’re feeling overwhelmed too.’

‘OK,’ Jenny said, sounding even less convincing than Maggie. ‘And we’ll make some time for us too. How about we hit the town and go clubbing?’

Maggie couldn’t help laughing even though she suspected Jenny wasn’t joking. ‘Or how about a yoga class?’ she countered, recalling the nights out with Jenny in Chester where she had spent most of her time apologising for standing on people’s toes on the dance floor.

Jenny relaxed now there was a smile on Maggie’s face and said, ‘Yes, I suppose we are meant to be sensible, married women these days. Now, I really am sorry, Maggie, but I have to get this to the nursery. Are you going to be all right?’

Maggie assured Jenny that she was and could almost believe it herself. As she and Harvey switched to autopilot and stepped into the park, she reminded herself of all the people in her life, willing her to succeed. Did it really matter that Judith wasn’t going to be one of them? She had good friends and a loving husband, not to mention an amazing midwife who was already putting together a support network that would give her all the necessary skills to take on motherhood.

It was only when she paused at the top of the slope leading down to the lake that Maggie’s fragile confidence began to disintegrate again. She turned her face towards the park bench as if she could see its wrought iron frame and achingly empty seats. Her mum was meant to be there, to share her daughter’s joy at fulfilling her lifelong ambition to be a mother and to help her prepare for her baby’s arrival. She was meant to be there to silence her doubters. But her mum wasn’t there and Maggie felt her absence more keenly than ever before.

Her legs had turned to lead as she made her way down towards the bench but each juddering step felt like a body blow. Her heart thudded against her chest, which had an invisible weight pressing against it. Gulping air desperately into her lungs, Maggie began to feel light-headed. Tears stung her eyes but couldn’t blur the image of the empty park bench she held in her mind. Why had she ever thought she could do this? She couldn’t stand up to Judith and, more importantly, she couldn’t look after a baby. Not on her own. She couldn’t do it.

Overwhelmed by a growing sense of panic, Maggie ignored the uplifting scents of spring flowers around her and she was too engrossed in the rhythmic sound of water slapping against the slipway to pick up the scent of lilac perfume. Her pace raced alongside her pulse as she drew closer to the lake. She was ready to give herself up to the dark and silent abyss and would have done so if Harvey hadn’t been so determined to guide her towards the safety of the bench. Maggie wasn’t sure if it was the realisation of what she had been about to do or the sound of a woman’s voice that brought her to her senses.

‘Are you all right?’ Elsa asked.

Elsa couldn’t for the life of her remember how she came to be sitting on the park bench. The twisted branches of the giant rhododendron bushes growing up the embankment made her feel like she had been caught up in a huge spider’s web but it was her mind that was full of tangles.

Smoothing over the creases of her dress and resting her hand on her stomach, Elsa watched a woman stumbling down the sloping path with her dog. For a moment, she thought she would march straight into the lake and Elsa’s heart jumped into her mouth.

‘Are you all right?’ she called.

The woman’s breathing was ragged as she approached the bench. ‘Elsa?’

‘Have we met before?’ Elsa asked when the dog greeted her like an old friend.

‘Yes, the other day.’ The woman took a seat next to her and put her hand on her chest in an effort to steady her breathing. It took a moment or two before she could speak again and even then her voice trembled. ‘I’m Maggie and this is Harvey. Remember?’

Elsa placed the palm of a hand on the surface of the bench and a memory seeped out from its painted surface and into her mind. This was where she had shared her secret. ‘You’re pregnant too, aren’t you? Is that why you’re so upset?’

Maggie tried to give her a winning smile but it crumpled with the effort. ‘I’m upset because I miss my mum. We used to sit here together.’

The vision of a child being separated from its mother struck a chord in Elsa’s heart. ‘Do you think my little one will cry for me?’ she asked.

‘Are you still thinking of giving the baby up?’

‘I think of nothing else.’

Maggie took a deep breath and, as she focused her attention on Elsa, she brought her tremors under control. ‘I have to admit, I’ve been thinking a lot about you since you disappeared last time. I’ve been worried about you.’

‘I’ll survive,’ Elsa said as if that wasn’t a good thing but she was comforted by the idea that Maggie had been concerned about her. She could do with a friendly ear. She had done something reckless, even by her standards, and if her hopes held out then she was going to upset a lot of people.

‘You sound tired,’ her friend said.

Elsa looked at her hands; they had been completely destroyed by hard graft. ‘I’m on my feet all day at Flo’s Fruit and Veg. I think every bone in my body aches.’

‘Flo’s Fruit and Veg? I’ve never heard of it.’

‘It’s on the High Street. Don’t tell me you go to Mr Flanagan’s? Aunt Flo’s fruit is much fresher. Cheaper too.’

‘Aunt Flo,’ Maggie repeated as if she was struggling to follow what Elsa was telling her. ‘She’s the woman you’re staying with, isn’t she?’

‘Yes, and she’s a bit of a hard taskmaster but why have a dog and bark yourself, isn’t that right, Harvey?’ Elsa rubbed the dog’s neck until he groaned with pleasure.

‘I hope she’s not pushing you too hard. You need to take care of yourself.’

‘She’s not that bad really. I was a complete stranger when she took me in but now she treats me like family. She has a will of iron sometimes but soft as a brush the next. She’s going to hit the roof when she finds out I’ve written to Freddie.’

‘You’ve written to him?’

Elsa had her sister to thank for that. Celia had given birth to a bonnie little girl and Elsa had rushed over to Manchester to see them and, more importantly, to be there when her mum arrived to inspect her latest grandchild. Elsa was five and half months pregnant and had to bind herself up so the bulge didn’t show but her weight gain had been the first thing her mum had noticed.

‘You’ll never get a husband if you let yourself go,’ she had warned.

Celia had leapt to her defence, fearful that Elsa might break down and confess all. ‘I’ll make sure she does. We both need to get in shape.’

Her mum continued to scrutinise her younger daughter. ‘Still, you’ve got those lovely eyes and such beautiful hair. Don’t go cutting it short like your sister here. I don’t understand why girls want to look so much like boys these days.’

‘I won’t, Mum,’ Elsa said as she tried to staunch her tears. ‘I would never let you down, you know that.’

‘Being around Celia and the children has clearly been a good influence. I don’t see that wild streak of yours any more,’ her mum said with a note of approval. Her face softened. ‘You’re a good girl, Elsa, I know that.’ It was then that her mum had put a loving hand on Elsa’s cheek and it was a wonder she hadn’t noticed her daughter’s body trembling with the effort to keep her emotions in check. If anything was going to push her over the edge then it was that simple touch of her mum’s hand.

But it wasn’t her mum’s touch that had made Elsa go against the plans that had been laid for her but the defenceless newborn she had held in her arms. ‘How can I hand something so precious over to someone else?’ she had asked Celia. ‘How can you make me?’

‘You can barely look after yourself, Elsa. You’ve still got a lot of growing up to do,’ Celia had said, repeating old arguments.

‘I’m old enough to feel a mother’s love – and I swear I’m going to love this baby growing inside me until my dying day.’ She was holding on desperately to her sister’s baby now and refused to let Celia take her from her. There was a look of horror on Celia’s face as she was forced to imagine it was Elsa’s baby being wrenched from its mother’s arms. ‘Please, Celia,’ Elsa had whimpered. ‘Please, I’m begging you.’

What else could Celia do but promise to help?

‘I’ve written the letter and left it with my sister Celia,’ Elsa explained to Maggie. ‘She’s contacting the friends I know at the base and by hook or by crook, that letter will find its way to Freddie.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘Everything. I’ve told him everything,’ Elsa said, the rasp in her voice laced with emotion. ‘And if he doesn’t reply now then I’ll know there’s nothing left for me to live for.’

‘Please don’t say that. I know how daunting it must seem but don’t give up. Believe me, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you can’t do it because that’s what everyone’s telling you, but you have to believe in yourself, Elsa. We both do.’

‘I have to face facts. I can’t work and look after a baby at the same time. I can’t provide for both of us.’ As Elsa spoke, a cold breeze bit into the nape of her neck. She raised a hand to the back of her head for protection and her fingers touched cropped locks. She was such a disappointment to her parents.

‘I really hope your hero comes back on that motorbike of his.’

‘And if he doesn’t? The thought of handing my baby over to someone else … It’s breaking my heart already.’ Elsa cast her gaze over the lake. The day was bright but the spring sun was not yet warm enough to chase away a lingering mist that covered it like a shroud. She imagined the water would be deathly cold. ‘I can’t see the swans.’

Maggie turned her head as if to follow Elsa’s gaze. ‘No, there are no swans,’ she said hesitantly.

‘Would it be so bad if the lake swallowed me up and I spent the rest of eternity with my baby?’

‘That isn’t the answer,’ Maggie said, turning away from the lake. ‘Listen to me, Elsa. You can’t think like that. You’ve got to stay strong. I just wish there was more I could do for you.’

Rummaging in her bag, Maggie pulled out a small card and handed it over to Elsa. It had pretty swirls of colour printed on it and a delicate script.

‘What is it?’

‘My business card, but don’t get me wrong, I’m not touting for work,’ Maggie added quickly.

Elsa squinted at the print. Reading was never her strong point and she couldn’t quite work out the letters. ‘Aroma …’

‘Aromatherapy. That’s what I do. I could give you a complementary treatment if you like, something to ease your aching joints. But call in anyway, even if it’s just for a chat. I’m not always there but the opening times are printed on the back and it has my mobile number too. If ever you feel like there’s nowhere else to turn, turn to me. Please, Elsa.’

The numbers and symbols on the card were indecipherable but Elsa understood the sentiment perfectly. ‘Thank you. You really are so very kind.’

‘I’m not being completely selfless in all of this. If I can persuade you to believe in yourself, then maybe I’ll start believing in myself again, too.’

Maggie’s words of kindness were too much for Elsa and it didn’t help that Harvey was staring at her so intently. The look of sadness in his eyes took the last remnants of her self-control and Elsa reached out to grasp Maggie’s hand. For a fleeting moment, they held on to each other but then Maggie recoiled from her touch. The look of horror on her face was unmistakeable.

‘I’m a monster, I know I am!’ Elsa cried. ‘If I’m the kind of person who can give up her baby without a fight then I don’t deserve Freddie and I don’t deserve to be happy.’ Her whole body began to shake as the weight of her guilt pushed the air out of her lungs. ‘I can’t stand this any more.’

Elsa stood up so quickly that she frightened a family of nearby ducks. The world around her erupted into chaos and above the angry quacks, the flapping of wings, and the furious splashing of water, Elsa barely heard Maggie’s desperate pleas as she stepped closer to the water’s edge.