Читать книгу Behind the Lie: A nail-biting psychological suspense for 2018 - Amanda James - Страница 14

Chapter Five

Even though I’m lying on the bed in my husband’s private practice, it still feels like a hospital. It doesn’t look like a hospital, with the plush home furnishings and soft music in the background; nor does it have that faint whiff of disinfectant in the air. Nevertheless, the screen of the ultrasound machine, the cold gel a nurse has just put on my bump, and the professional way Simon is moving around the room drags my unwilling memory to the last few days of my dad’s life as I sat by his hospital bed. He’d have been so excited to see his grandchildren. At only fifty-four he should have seen them, all things being equal. But they’re not, are they? Not always.

‘Okay, you ready?’ Simon asks, the transducer already in his hand and poised over my tummy. Is he in a rush? I’d expected him, now the nurse has left the room, to be more like my husband than a doctor. More intimate…

I look into his serious grey eyes and he looks away. He’s been acting very oddly the last few days and seems to have aged about ten years. Perhaps I’m imagining it.

‘Yes. You okay?’

‘Fine.’

No. I’m not imagining it. His tone is clipped, agitated even. A few nights last week, I’d woken in the early hours and he’d not been in bed beside me. When I questioned him in the morning, he said he’d gone out for a walk. Said he couldn’t relax. Why? Is he telling the truth? Is he having an affair? Then the lub-dub of a tiny heartbeat fills the room and I forget about all that as my heartbeat quickens too. I turn to the monitor. There they are, my beautiful babies!

Simon moves the transducer expertly over my abdomen and, after a few moments of silence, says, ‘All with our little girl is as it should be. Now for our boy.’ Well, at least he sounds a bit more human now. I give him a warm smile and try to relax.

A few moments later my heart lurches when the silence goes on a bit too long and I catch his expression. His jaw is tight and his forehead knitted in concentration. Simon’s hand moves more quickly over my stomach, almost frantically now.

‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ I say. I hear the mounting panic in my voice and try to calm my breathing.

Simon won’t look at me, just draws a hand down his face and moves the transducer again. At one point he pushes the thing so hard against my tummy that I cry out. ‘Simon! For God’s sake, tell me what’s wrong?’

Then he releases a huge breath and gives me a shaky smile. ‘Listen to that,’ he says as another heartbeat fills the room.

I frown. ‘Is that what you were doing, trying to find our son’s heartbeat?’ He nods and wipes the back of his hand across his brow. ‘Why couldn’t you find it? Is… is there something wrong?’

With a shaking hand he turns off the monitor, puts down the transducer and sinks down on the bed next to me. ‘He’s…’ He swallows hard and takes my hand. ‘I’m not worried unduly, but he is a little smaller than his sister.’

I can see he’s worried, even though his words say otherwise. No! This is insane. ‘But… I saw both babies, they were strong, looked the same size… and…’

‘No, it’s hard to tell really. You might have thought they were, but… anyway, as I said, he’s not that tiny! Don’t worry, love; it’s all going to be fine.’

‘Don’t lie to me. I can tell when you’re keeping things back!’ I yell and yank my hand from his. ‘Is it because of me – something I did? My past, the fact that I abused my body and…’ A sob stops my words and he shakes his head and scrubs at his eyes.

‘No, Holly. Please calm down; it will all be fine. It’s common for one twin to be smaller than the other – you know that.’

I want to yell. Slap him. Stop any more lies from leaving his mouth. When Simon lies he can’t look at me. Not that he lies to me often, but I can always tell when he does. Right now his voice is unnaturally calm too… as if I’m a patient who has to be handled with kid gloves. A person who can’t cope with the bad things in the world. ‘Why are you just sitting there calmly, talking about it? Go and get a senior partner, a second opinion.’

He sighs and rubs his eyes again. ‘Believe me, there’s no point asking anyone else. There is nothing to get hysterical about, I promise. Now come on, Holly, my love. Let’s go and have a cuppa…’

‘But I don’t want a cuppa! I want the truth from you.’ I hate that he’s using the word ‘hysterical’. The trouble is, even to my own ears I do sound it. I sit up and grip his shoulders. Make him face me.

Simon shifts away, looks at the floor. ‘Okay. There might be a problem when he’s born… it’s hard to tell. As far as I can see he’s developing normally, has everything he should have and all in the right places. Just a bit…’

‘Small.’ My sarcasm slices through the tense atmosphere, thick between us. ‘Yes, so you keep saying. When you say a problem when he’s born, do you mean he’s going to be in ICU, or, or what?’

‘That’s possible. But there’s no point in getting ahead of ourselves, to be honest.’

‘It would be nice if you were, Simon.’ He gives me a quizzical look. ‘Honest.’ My voice sounds far away… faint. Could… could he d… die?’

A deep sigh. ‘I wish you wouldn’t jump to the worst-case scenario like this, Holly.’

It’s me who looks at the floor now. I feel too hot, the room is moving. I take a few deep breaths to stop myself from screaming. If I start, I won’t be able to stop. I’ll never forgive myself if there’s something seriously wrong… my past life can’t have helped, can it? Even though Simon says that wasn’t the reason. Was it because I went swimming in the sea when it was too cold? My mum said I shouldn’t have… ‘So… so what are you saying? There is a worst-case scenario?’

‘There’s always a worst-case scenario in these situations.’ Simon stands up and puts his hands on his hips. ‘But for goodness’ sake, Holly, stop all this. Everything will be fine, I’m sure of it.’

‘You aren’t sure of it. I saw your face when you couldn’t find the heartbeat. Watched your hands trembling!’

Simon sits back down, gathers me to him and at first I push him off. Then, as he whispers soothing words into my ear, I slump against him, the fight draining away like my dreams of pushing the twins around the park in the new double buggy that waits in the hall. I should never have bought that before they were born. Mum said it would be bad luck.

‘My darling, I can’t give you a one hundred per cent cast-iron guarantee that both our babies will be born perfect, without any problems or issues, but that’s the case in any birth – twins or not. You really do have to calm down and trust me. You always imagine the worst, it’s one of your faults.’ He lifts my chin, looks into my eyes. ‘Not that you have many.’

I want to pull away but I force myself to stay focused on him. He’s right. I do always think the worst. But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s something I have done and it’s my fault that our boy is smaller than he should be. It did cross my mind when I fell pregnant that my drug addiction and wild lifestyle might have damaged my body, my organs, in some way. Perhaps I’m not fit enough to sustain two lives…?

Simon kisses my lips and I lay my head on his shoulder. A huge sob bursts out and then I clamp my hand over my mouth to smother any more. I need to get a grip, be strong and think positive. I owe that to my babies and my husband. Simon has told me that everything will be okay as far as he can tell, and he knows what he’s talking about. So I have to believe him, don’t I?