Читать книгу Own It All - Andrea Isabelle Lucas - Страница 8
ОглавлениеOwn Your Goals
Inside This Chapter
•Why it’s crucial to take the biggest risk you can stomach today (even if it’s very small).
•Why envy isn’t necessarily a bad thing—and how to use envy to clarify your next set of goals.
•Why it’s important to announce your goals publicly rather than keeping them a secret.
•How to identify counter-productive thoughts in your head (like, “I don’t have what it takes”) and say something new.
•The story of how I opened the very first Barre & Soul studio and how I learned to embrace small risks, then slightly bigger risks, and then even bigger risks.
•How to stop procrastinating and start moving your life in the direction you want (because this is your one and only life—and you don’t want to miss your shot).
Take the Biggest Risk You Can Stomach Today
On a sunny spring afternoon in Boston nine years ago, if you happened to step into the Starbucks on the corner of Boylston and Berkeley Street, you would have seen a terrified-looking woman sitting in the corner pretending to drink a cup of coffee, but really just fidgeting with her clothes and staring awkwardly at her own résumé.
That was me.
I was camped out inside this coffee shop because I wanted to deliver my résumé to my (hopefully) future boss—and I wanted to do it face to face. I figured I’d make an extra good impression if I walked up to hand it to her in person instead of emailing it like everybody else. (Plus, this would spare me the agony of wondering if she’d gotten it, should she neglect to reply.) I even printed it on fancy, creamy white paper. Very profesh.
I was applying for a job at exhale (all lowercase, no uppercase E, because they’re cool and stylish like that), one of the top fitness, wellness, and spa companies in the country, not to mention the home of one of the most authentic Lotte Berk-based workouts in the industry (Lotte Berk was the dancer who originally created the fitness movement now known simply as “barre”). They’re known for their elegance, attention to detail, and elevated aesthetic—down to the state-of-the-art lockers in the changing rooms and the upscale products in the showers. They’re like the Ritz Hotel of fitness: swanky and luxurious.
I remembered having met a few instructors from exhale back when I was working on being certified to teach barre classes. It was like meeting a group of cool, impossibly beautiful cheerleaders from a fancy private school. The exhale instructors were just so…pulled together—the top of their industry, the crème de la crème. Even though I was just a newbie barre instructor, I knew that one day, I wanted to be one of them.
But first, I needed to get hired.
I wore my very best (purchased on super-clearance, or else I couldn’t have afforded them) pair of lululemon yoga pants (also too cool for any uppercase letters) that day, trying to look the part. There was a particular manager I wanted to meet. I knew she’d be finishing up a class in a few minutes. Yes, I’d already checked the schedule; borderline stalker behavior, I know! With a drop-in rate around twenty-five dollars, I didn’t have the money to actually go and take her class, so instead I planned to march up, shake her hand, and hand over my résumé at precisely the right moment.
But first I needed to, you know, leave the Starbucks. That was proving to be more difficult than I’d imagined. I was sweating despite the frigid air conditioning, and panicky thoughts kept racing through my mind. “I’m not qualified.” “I’m not a good enough instructor.” “Maybe she’ll be annoyed that I bothered her.” “Oh my God, everything is riding on this. I need this job.” “If they say no to me, what then?” At that time, barre had only a cult following and there were very few options for barre teachers, aside from opening a studio, which I was nowhere near ready to consider.
I was in a precarious financial situation, just barely scraping by as a part-time barre teacher at a different studio in the suburbs. To support myself and my kids as a single mom, I knew I needed a full-time job. A real job. And I knew that working at exhale would mean working with the best of the best. I sensed it could put me on the path to success. On so many levels, this would be a huge upgrade for my career.
After stewing and breathing heavily and jostling around my now-cold cup of coffee for another ten minutes or so, I finally stood up. I walked outside, made my way into exhale, plastered an “I am so confident!” smile on my face, and handed over my résumé. If this was a scene in a movie, the most over-the-top, triumphant music would have been playing, with trumpets, tubas, and swelling violins. Because for me, this was a seriously ballsy move. I felt so courageous, so proud of myself.
The manager looked surprised to see me, but friendly, and thankfully my enthusiasm seemed to pay off, because I got the job! Eventually, I was even promoted to manager, exactly the kind of advancement I had hoped for. Working at exhale was a huge professional victory for me: it opened the doors for so many things and boosted my credibility and confidence tremendously. I even became an “ambassador” for lululemon, which meant free clothes and fancy photo shoots I couldn’t have afforded otherwise that helped me to gain greater exposure. All of this later paved the way for me to launch my own fitness company, Barre & Soul.
You could say it all started in that Starbucks. The turning point was the moment I decided to take a risk—the biggest risk I could possibly muster at the time, which for me, meant standing up, walking into a building, and handing over a piece of paper to a woman I didn’t know. Today, I’d like to think doing that wouldn’t stress me out at all—no big deal! But at that point in my life, it felt terrifying.
That’s the thing about setting goals and taking risks. What feels like “a huge goal” to you might feel like “no big deal” to someone else, and vice versa. And what felt “big and scary” to you ten years ago might feel like “no sweat” today. The key is to keep taking the biggest risk you can stand right now, because that’s the only way to keep your life moving forward from wherever you are toward bigger things. When we risk nothing, then nothing changes.
Throughout this chapter, as we discuss your personal and professional goals, I urge you to keep asking yourself, “What do I really want?” and, “What’s the biggest risk I could handle right now—a risk that would allow me to move a little closer to my goal?” Please, please do not underestimate the power of one small step.
If you feel scared—if you get butterflies in your stomach just thinking about your next step—good. That’s a sign that you’ve chosen a worthy goal. Conquering this goal will upgrade your life, for sure. It’s OK to be nervous the way I was—the way I still am, all the time. Finish your coffee, stand up, and just go for it.
Don’t Have Any Exciting Goals? Ask Yourself What Makes You Feel Envious
Feel like you don’t have any exciting goals right now? There’s nothing on your vision board? Not even a single New Year’s resolution? Nothing that you’re striving for? Nothing at all?
Well, let’s start with this question: What makes you feel envious?
Do you feel envy when you see people on Instagram posting photos of their fun beachside walks, yoga classes, brunches, and adorable Boston Terriers?
Do you feel envy when your friend announces that she’s taking yet another international trip with her partner while her kids are away at summer camp?
Do you feel envy when you bump into a former colleague and she mentions that she recently started her own business, or that she’s written a book, or that she bought a new house, or that she’s delivering a TEDx Talk next week?
Or maybe seeing a woman wearing a seriously cute outfit sends you into spirals of envy. You glance down at your frumpy sweatpants and sneakers that you don’t even like, and you wonder, “Why can’t I ever look like that?”
Envy has a bad reputation. We’re taught that envy is an intensely negative thing—that we should suppress it, brush it aside, be ashamed of it, and certainly not talk about it publicly. But that’s not how I think about envy. I think envy is an extremely valuable emotion. It’s a crystal-clear signal that there’s something you want. It’s like a spotlight, illuminating what your next project or goal could be. Envy isn’t a curse—it’s a gift.
I believe the main reason icky sensations come into play when we’re feeling envious of someone else is because we don’t believe we have—or can have—the thing that we want. But if you can start noticing and sitting with this uncomfortable emotion rather than running away from it, you might realize that maybe you can have what you want after all. There’s room to explore and create something amazing.
Whenever I feel envious, at first, I get a bit grouchy—hey, it’s only natural. Then I pay close attention to whatever has triggered that feeling. Whether it’s when I notice someone with incredible style, a woman who’s running for political office, or a mogul who’s absolutely dominating her industry, if I feel envious, then I tell myself, “Cool. I want whatever she’s got—or something similar. How can I make that happen?”
Instead of suppressing my envy, I’ve learned to own it—and it’s changed my life.
Write & Discuss:
Who’s Got What You Want?
Who are some people who trigger feelings of envy for you? Perhaps they are friends, colleagues, relatives, celebrities, political figures, others? What do they have that you want, too?
Write down anything you can think of on your own. Or get together with a friend and discuss these questions over coffee, kombucha, rosé, or your beverage of choice. If it’s helpful, you could start with a phrase like: “I feel envy when…” or “I feel envious when I meet someone who…” Social media can be a great place to notice your inner green-eyed monster.
Remember: you don’t have to feel guilty about your feelings. Envy isn’t a bad thing. It’s just information. It’s a request from your heart, from your soul, expressing something that you want.
Don’t Keep Your Goals a Secret. Declare What You Want to at Least One Other Person.
A moment ago, you explored a couple things that make you feel envious—things you crave; things you admire; things you’re seeking; people you aspire to be like, or to be more like. Maybe some new dreams and goals are materializing in your mind. Maybe you’ve realized that you want to define your signature style and upgrade your wardrobe. Maybe you want a new workout routine or a new art project; more free time, fun, and adventure; or a meaningful new chapter in your career.
Personally, my goals don’t feel real until I’ve voiced them to at least one other human being. If I tell one of my closest friends, “OK, I’m really doing this,” that’s when the journey officially begins. I need to make things public, because I need accountability and support from my community. I think we all do. When we keep our goals a secret, that’s when they tend to shrivel up and die.
Text Your Goal to a Friend. Make It Real.
Right now, I challenge you to pick up your phone. Scroll through your contacts. Choose a supportive friend—or a couple of friends. Write a text and describe something you want to achieve or experience this year. Describe your new goal in as much detail as you can. Assign a deadline for yourself, too.
Here’s an example:
“Hi! I have an exciting new goal that I want to share. I want to write twenty new poems this year, and I want to perform one poem—live, at an open mic night—before my thirty-fifth birthday. I’m doing this. It’s on. I wanted you to be the first to know.”
Here’s another example:
“Hi! I have an exciting new goal that I want to share. I want to get into the best shape of my life, mentally and physically. This means going to Pilates three times a week, hiking every Sunday, and creating a plan to transition into a job that I really love. I will have an amazing new job by September 1st or sooner. I am determined. It all starts today. Yay! PS. I’m heading out for a hike tomorrow if you’d like to join me!”
And one more:
“Hey! I’ve decided to volunteer for Lifeline, a suicide-prevention hotline. I’ve thought about doing this for years. No more procrastinating and waiting until I’m ‘not so busy.’ I’m starting today. I just filled out my volunteer application! It’s happening! I just wanted you to know because you’re my best friend and I love you. That’s all.”
Write your text and send it. Just like that, you’ve created a new goal and you’ve declared it publicly. That’s huge. You’re taking ownership of what you really want.
Next comes more work: taking action to achieve your goal even when you’re scared, even when it feels risky, even when conditions aren’t perfect, and even when you really want to put things off until “someday later.”
Can’t Move Forward? Procrastinating like Crazy? It’s Time to Upgrade Your Limiting Beliefs
It’s been reported that only 8 percent of people who set New Year’s resolutions actually keep them. Eight out of one hundred people. That’s a pretty depressing statistic.
Why is it so difficult to keep the promises that we make
to ourselves?
Why is it so hard to achieve our goals—even relatively small goals, like drinking more water, or making it to yoga class two times a week?
Many of us struggle to change our lives, even when we really want to. But why is it such a struggle? So many people have wrestled with this question: yogis; monks; therapists; life coaches; neuroscientists; and…me.
Here’s what I’ve found to be true: if you’re struggling to achieve a goal, it’s probably because your goal conflicts with your underlying beliefs in some way. Maybe you don’t think it’s possible. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you are “inadequate.”
You’ve decided something like, “I’m not disciplined enough,” “I’m not qualified enough,” “I don’t know how to do that,” (that was my favorite excuse for a long time!) or “I don’t deserve it.” Because of that belief (which is probably completely false), you’re struggling to move forward. You feel stuck, or you want to quit.
Case in point: during her first year at Wellesley College, Hillary Clinton became convinced that she wasn’t smart enough to be there. (I know, right? Can you imagine? Hillary freaking Rodham Clinton?!) After one month of classes, Hillary called her parents and told them she was thinking about leaving college and coming home. She didn’t think she could handle the demanding academic environment. She didn’t think she was cut out for it. Thankfully, Hillary’s mom told her to stick it out—and she did. History was forever changed by Hillary’s decision to stay and continue pursuing her goal of earning a college degree.
It’s difficult to imagine someone like Hillary Clinton—someone so incredibly intelligent, strong, and courageous—feeling “not smart enough.” But at one point in her life, that’s what she believed about herself. This anecdote proves that when a thought pops into your head—a thought like, “I’m stupid,” “I’m weak,” “I’m powerless,” “I don’t deserve to be here”—that doesn’t mean that thought is actually true. It could be completely false. Not every thought that pops into your head is a fact. Many thoughts are pure fiction.
The next time you think to yourself, “I don’t have what it takes,” you will need to challenge that thought. Talk back to it. Argue with it. Remind yourself, “Maybe this thought is a lie!” You don’t have to believe everything you say about yourself.
Your inner monologue might sound like a constant stream of ugly, damaging “fake news.” If so, it’s time to change the conversation.
How to Change the Conversation
Once you’ve identified your self-limiting thoughts and decided which new, upgraded beliefs you’d like to have in your mind instead, you need to start saying these new things out loud for others to hear. Chances are the old script will worm its way back in if you don’t get other supportive people involved. It is critical that you share your new belief, goal, or commitment with at least one other person.
You might confess to a friend the limiting thoughts you’ve been allowing to hold you back, or you may skip that part and just declare the new actions you’re committed to taking. Sharing has two amazing side effects. First, the people in your life will naturally start to echo back to you the new things you want to hear and believe, and when others believe in your goals, it emboldens you and solidifies your belief in yourself. Second, sharing your intentions creates accountability; it lights a fire under you to deliver the things you said you’d do—it would be a bit embarrassing if you did not do them!
It’s easy to stay stuck in the same old patterns (like the 92 percent of people who never follow through on their New Year’s resolutions) if you keep your goals inside, let negative self-talk win, and use your failure as evidence that you can never really have what you want. Sharing your goals with others really can feel like blowing your own cover, though, because you can no longer hide out. You’re exposed. It can feel incredibly risky, but the rewards are huge. Speak your goal out loud. Declare what you want and what you’re going to do about it. Own it.
Write & Discuss:
Challenging Negative Thoughts
Here are several statements that lots of people say out loud—or think privately—all the time. Circle any that feel familiar to you.
If you’re hanging out with a friend, read these statements aloud and see which ones sound familiar.
“I don’t have what it takes.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m not disciplined enough.”
“I’m not creative enough.”
“If I can’t do it perfectly, then what’s the point?”
“It will take way too long.”
“I’m not ready yet.”
“I’m not qualified to voice an opinion on that.”
“Other people are experts on that, but not me.”
“I’m just not the type of person who could ever do that.”
“I don’t have enough time.”
“I have plenty of time. I can do it later.”
Choose one of the statements that you circled. Then, come up with a new statement where you’re challenging the original statement and arguing that the opposite is true. If possible, come up with some evidence to prove your point.
Here’s an example:
“I’m not smart enough.”
New statement:
“Uh, no. Actually, I’m very smart! If there’s something I want to learn, I can figure it out. I’ve done this many times. Here’s some evidence: I taught myself how to use Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I taught myself how to change a flat tire. I got myself through school even though it was tough. I’ve learned all kinds of new things, all throughout my life. I can do it again. And I will.”
Here’s another example:
“If I can’t do it perfectly, then what’s the point?”
New statement:
“There’s no such thing as perfection. If I wait for perfection, then I’ll be waiting forever. I’m not a perfect mom, but I’m a great mom. I’m not a perfect athlete, but at least I’m in the game! I won’t be a perfect business owner / politician / writer / activist either, but I won’t let that hold me back.”
Every time you challenge a negative thought and replace it with an empowering new statement, you start to lay down a foundation of new, positive beliefs about what’s possible. You can change the quality of your thoughts, just like you can change your clothes or your hair color. Every time you notice a negative thought creeping into your mind, stop, challenge that thought, and change the conversation.
Still Struggling to Move Forward with Your Goals? Try This: Turn “But” into “And”
I once attended a course where the instructor encouraged us to think of a statement that includes the word “but.” For instance:
“I want to spend the summer traveling through Europe, but I have three kids.”
“I want to have more free time, but my job is so demanding.”
“I want to feel confident and sexy, but I’m overweight.”
Then the instructor told us to cross out the word “but” and replace it with “and.”
“I want to spend the summer traveling through Europe, and I have three kids.”
“I want to have more free time, and my job is so demanding.”
“I want to feel confident and sexy, and I’m overweight.”
Switching that one word gives the statement an entirely new feeling. Pretty amazing, right?
When you say “but,” it’s like hitting the delete key on your dream. The word “but” immediately creates a trapped, inflexible feeling. You’re shutting out possibilities and creating barriers instead. The moment you turn “but” into “and,” it changes the conversation. With that one switch, it’s easier for your mind to shift into a curious, exploratory state. Instead of scoffing and saying “No way!” you start asking, “What if?” Sure, it’s possible to travel with kids. People do it all the time. You can too. Yes, it’s possible to change your work schedule and create more free time. And absolutely, it’s possible to weigh more than you’d like and still love yourself and feel totally sexy. It’s possible to do all of those things and more.
When I find myself slipping into a negative mood, or when I’m wrestling with a problem that I can’t figure out how to solve, I try to insert “and” into whatever I’m saying. It’s like flipping a light switch inside my mind. Try it and see for yourself.
Big, Sexy Goals = Thousands of Small, Unsexy Steps
I was once interviewed on a podcast called Real Talk Radio hosted by a woman named Nicole Antoinette. It’s a show dedicated to honest conversations about real life—especially the difficult, messy parts that most people don’t want to discuss publicly.
I immediately liked Nicole. She’s a total badass—an athlete who has completed all kinds of incredible physical feats, including running two marathons back to back and solo hiking through the wilderness with a backpack, a tent, dehydrated beans, and not much else. She recently completed an 800-mile solo hike through Arizona and Utah.
One thing that Nicole always says on her show is, “Every big, sexy goal is the culmination of thousands of small, unsexy steps.”
It’s so true. One of the biggest goals of my life was becoming an entrepreneur and opening my fitness studio, Barre & Soul. But I didn’t achieve that goal overnight. It was a gradual process filled with thousands of small, unsexy steps. And it was a process that required me to take a lot of risks—emotional risks, creative risks, and financial risks, too.
One of the first risks was signing up for a training program to become a certified barre instructor. That might seem like no big deal to some people, but for me at that point in my life, it felt like a major risk.
With my self-esteem at an all-time low, putting myself in a situation that required teaching and public speaking was more challenging than I expected. Throughout the barre training program, there was a voice in my head telling me I should just sit down and shut up. I had so many moments when I thought to myself, “What if I spend all this time getting certified, but then I suck at teaching barre? What if this is all a big waste of time? What am I even doing?!”
It didn’t help that during most of the training sessions, I felt like the class dunce. All of the other teachers-in-training seemed so graceful and athletic—like every single one was a retired ballerina, gymnast, or a reincarnated swan. Meanwhile, I was grunting and sweating like an asthmatic bulldog. It was disheartening to look around the classroom and realize, “I am definitely the worst one here.” How was I supposed to compete with these other instructors once we were all certified and teaching classes? Who’d want to come to my sad, grunty class?
But I knew that barre had already transformed my body—and my life—and I was genuinely obsessed with it. I still am. I wanted to help other women become obsessed with barre, too. So even though it felt like a big emotional and financial risk, I finished the training program, got certified, and started teaching classes. I embraced the risk—and it was one that has paid off.
Take the Next Risk…Then the Next…and the Next
Getting certified to be a barre teacher felt like a big risk for me at the time. But it was just the first stomach-churning risk in a series of risks. That’s how empires get built, and it’s how goals are achieved: one risk at a time.
After teaching barre for a few years, I began to feel more confident in my abilities as a teacher. I started bringing more of my personality into my classes, developing my own signature style. I had started to teach yoga, and I began to bring some of the spiritual aspects of my yoga training to my barre classes. I used each class as a chance to express a message that was close to my heart—an inspiring quote, a mantra; some type of empowering idea that I wanted to share.
This was a great creative outlet for me. But in order to change my style of teaching and use a new format, I would have to break off from my beloved mentors, Elisabeth Halfpapp and Fred DeVito of exhale, and go off on my own. I would be leaving the studio where I had grown so much to start my own business.
Would students like my new teaching style? If I showed people more of the real me, would they respond positively? I wasn’t sure. But it was a risk I was willing to take. In the end, not everyone loved my style of barre, of course—but plenty of people did. I began to build a reputation in my community. One by one, the right clients found me.
At around this point in my career, I had given up my management role at exhale and was teaching my Barre & Soul Method classes at a variety of studios. I had taken a pay cut to make this change, but it felt like something I had to do for my own sense of self-expression. I started to seriously consider the idea of running my own barre and yoga studio. But owning a studio felt like a crazy, unreasonable, stomach-churning, queasy kind of risk. It was too much—too big. The thought of starting a business gave me nightmares. In my nightmares, tumbleweeds blew through an empty studio where I sat weeping at the front desk, writing out rent check after rent check, with nothing to eat but dust and shame as I slipped into financial ruin. I couldn’t imagine taking on that kind of monetary risk.
The part I feared most about opening a barre and yoga studio of my own was signing a lease. It felt like such a big commitment—a legally binding, long-term arrangement for people who don’t mind being tied down and who have enough money in the bank to float a few bad months, or years. At that time, signing a lease felt like signing my life away.
I wasn’t ready to make that kind of leap…not yet. So, I took a different risk—the biggest one that I could stand at the time. I contacted a couple of yoga studio owners in my area, and I asked, “Could I use your studio as a home base for my barre program?”
That way, I could teach my Barre & Soul classes and begin training other teachers in my method, but without all of the financial risk that would have come along with running my own space. It was a baby step toward entrepreneurship—still a big risk, but a risk that felt tolerable.
Sometimes, Life Pushes You into the Next Risk…Faster Than You Expect
The months rolled along. My plan was going pretty well. I was teaching Barre & Soul classes in a few studios around town—doing the classes using my own signature approach and enjoying my self-employed lifestyle, without the stress of actually running my own place.
And then…an unexpected opportunity fell into my lap.
I approached another yoga studio owner to ask about bringing my Barre & Soul program to her space. She invited me out for coffee and asked if I wanted to buy her entire business.
She was moving to another state and wanted to hand things over to a new owner as soon as possible. I’d take over her lease, her client email list, mats, props—everything.
At first, my knee-jerk reaction was, “Good Lord! Seriously? Me? Own a studio? Like, my own studio? Like, now?! Ha! I am not ready for that. No.” (Did I mention I can be pretty dramatic?)
Despite my initial reaction, something deep in my gut told me, “Andrea, this is the next step for you. This is the next risk you need to take. If you back away from this opportunity, you’ll regret it later.”
I knew if I said “Yes,” this would be the biggest professional and financial risk I’d ever taken. I couldn’t see how I’d be able to pull the money together. And what about getting insurance, as well as business taxes and accounting—all that stuff that I didn’t know how to do? Was I really qualified for this? I had serious doubts.
I slept on it. I crunched the numbers. I gnawed on the idea for several days, feeling pressured because I knew she needed an answer quickly. I kept thinking to myself, “If I don’t do this, if I watch somebody else take that yoga space instead of me, I’ll feel so jealous. I’ll keep kicking myself for missing this opportunity.”
I mustered all of my courage, and I told her, “I’ll do it. I want to buy your business.”
Making It Work, No Matter What
At that point in my life, I had never had more than a couple thousand dollars in savings at any given time, so I couldn’t just write the studio owner a check. Luckily, she was willing to let me make monthly installment payments on the purchase price, and judging by all the financial records she showed me, I could expect that the business would continue to be profitable and that I’d be able to make the payments. But as we worked through the paperwork and other legal details, I faced my first major challenge as a business owner—and it was a big one.
The landlord of the yoga space didn’t want to transfer the lease over to me. He had other plans for his building that he’d wanted to pursue, and he flatly refused to work with us. Which meant I was now purchasing a yoga business, but with no studio space.
At that moment, the whole deal could have fallen through, but I wasn’t ready to let that happen. The studio owner and I ended up agreeing on a greatly reduced price for me to purchase the business, which was now little more than a mailing list and some used props. Even though I would have to find a completely new space and sign a completely new lease, I needed to make this work. No excuses—no matter what. There was no turning back.
I set out, determined to find a home for this yoga community. Knowing what I do now about how long it typically takes to find a space and get a studio ready to open, I should never have expected everything to come together within sixty days. Once again, thank God for naiveté, because somehow, it all worked out.
But it wasn’t easy. When I first went in search of a suitable space, everything was either too expensive, too small, or needed too much construction. I searched online and in newspapers, called real estate agents, and drove up and down the streets with my kids in the back seat, looking high and low. But the right space didn’t appear.
Then one afternoon, I was walking into my favorite Mexican restaurant downtown when I noticed a space across the street with brown paper over the windows. A little handwritten sign in the window said “For Lease” with a phone number.
I called and the landlord met me there. I walked into the tiny space, and my heart sank. It was too small. But my partner Jason, an architectural designer, kept insisting that we could make it work. When I realized I wasn’t having any luck finding something bigger, I decided that for a year, we could make the small space work. I signed the lease, we got ready, secured our occupancy permit, and managed to move in just one day past our sixty-day goal. That “too small” space has now been in use for more than five years, and it is one of Barre & Soul’s most successful locations.
In order to make the down payment on the space and get it ready to open, I had to scrape up some start-up money. I was approved for a business credit card and was fortunately able to take out small loans from my partner and my mom, who were willing to dip into their savings to help me get started. If that hadn’t been an option, maybe I would have begged other friends and family, held a fundraiser event, made a crowdfunding page, or sold my stuff. No matter what, I was on a mission to make it happen.
A few years after that initial success, after having opened a second studio thanks to the success of the first, it was time for yet another risk. With Barre & Soul growing rapidly, I wanted to open a third studio location. But this time, it was a much bigger studio in a much pricier neighborhood—the heart of Harvard Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts. My stomach did somersaults when I saw the monthly rent. It was so much higher than anything I’d paid before. But once again, that inner voice told me, “This is the next step. This is the next risk you need to take.”
I signed my name on the dotted line at ten o’clock on a weekday morning, then I walked into the vast, empty space and jumped around, leaping for joy (and nervousness!), yet unable to fathom that this was really mine. It felt like the kind of moment you celebrate with a glass of champagne, but since it wasn’t even lunchtime yet, not many places were open. Somehow, Jason and I ended up at a dim sum restaurant, toasting this new chapter over Mai Tais and egg rolls. Once again, I was embracing a new risk. Once again, I knew, “This is terrifying. And I’m in just the right place.”
If You’re Unwilling to Take Risks, Then You Will Not Move Forward
I’ve learned that no matter what kind of goal you’re pursuing, in order to achieve it, you have to be willing to take a series of risks.
You have to take emotional risks—like making a request and potentially hearing “No,” or trying a new teaching style that flops, or sharing an uncomfortable truth with your partner, colleague, or boss.
Sometimes, you have to take creative risks—like publishing a blog post and then getting a negative comment or no comments at all, or doing a dance class even when you’re the klutziest person in the room.
And sometimes, you have to take financial risks—like investing in a training program or a new degree, paying for the tools or help that you need, or leasing a new office or studio space.
If you’re unwilling to take risks, then you won’t move forward in life. However, this doesn’t mean you need to take every single risk today. You don’t have to go from “zero” to “signing an epic commercial lease” overnight. You can take small risks, then slightly bigger risks, and then even bigger ones. You can get your high school diploma in risk-taking, then your BA, then your MA, and then your PhD. You can graduate upwards into bigger and bigger risks over time.
Take the biggest risk you can stomach today, even if it’s “declaring a goal to one other person” or “sending one text or email to get a conversation started.” If that’s what it is, then that’s what it is…for today. Get on it.
What’s the Biggest Risk You Can Stand Taking Today?
Take it. Inch forward.
What is the next (appropriate) risk you feel capable of taking after that? Take it. That’s one more inch forward. One inch closer than you were yesterday. With each successive risk that you take, your confidence will build. Over time, you’ll be able to tolerate bigger, scarier risks. It’s just like yoga, barre, running, or weight lifting. Over time, you get stronger. Months go by, and suddenly you’re swinging a forty-pound kettle bell like it’s no big deal.
If you keep inching forward, taking increasingly bigger risks, your capacity to tolerate risk will expand. Before long, you’ll be amazed by what you can do.
Write & Discuss: What Level of Risk Can You Tolerate Right Now?
Your brain is a fascinating machine. When you’re considering something that feels risky—like buying a raffle ticket, or buying a house, or going on a first date—your brain processes all the information in a split second. Different parts of your brain light up in response to the need to make a risky decision. Sometimes, the section of your brain that’s associated with excitement might light up (“Yes! This will be fun!”); at other times, the section of your brain that’s associated with anxiety may light up (“No way. Too scary”).
Scientists still don’t fully understand why certain people happily seek out risks, while other people avoid taking risks as much as possible. It may have something to do with your genetics, your upbringing, natural changes to the brain that occur throughout life, or all of the above.
But most scientists agree that your brain can be trained and strengthened—just like any other part of your body. It’s possible to train yourself to embrace risk, and even to enjoy it instead of running away from it. You can train yourself to tolerate increasingly bigger risks over time.
Here are some questions to help you explore your goals and ambitions as well as how you react to certain types of risks. Try answering these questions in writing here in this book, or make a dinner date with a friend and discuss these questions face to face:
Describe one of your number one goals. It can be big or small, personal or professional—anything that feels important to you. (I once led a goal-coaching workshop where one participant passionately exclaimed, “I want to rock a hat!”) Describe what it is and how amazing it’s going to feel once it’s happening or when you achieve it.
What are some things you need to do in order to achieve that goal? Make a list of action steps. Write down a number next to each step. (10 = Feels incredibly risky, OMG, I’m going to throw up. 1 = No problem, piece of cake.)
I tested out my barre classes at existing studios with a built-in clientele (small risk) before taking over someone else’s studio (bigger risk). After running that first studio for a while, I felt ready to open a second location (even bigger risk), and then a third, fourth, and fifth. Each of these was the biggest risk I could stomach at the time, until I felt ready to graduate to bigger risks. What about you? What are some smaller risks you could take in pursuit of your goal? You may have written down a few options in your response to the previous question. Can you think of anything else? Any other micro-risks you could take to inch forward?
Let’s say that one day you discover that you feel ready to take a bigger type of risk—whether that’s taking out a bank loan, making a change to a new career, or having an emotionally vulnerable conversation with your boss, your best friend, or your partner. If you take that big risk, what is the absolute worst thing that might happen?
What if your worst-case scenario actually does happen? Could you survive it? What would you do next? Could there be a silver lining? What might that be?
Nobody Can Do the Work for You
If you’re serious about achieving your goals, you’ve got to keep marching forward even when things get difficult. You have to show up and put in the work even when conditions are not perfect, even when you’re not feeling your best, even when it’s foggy and rainy outside, and even when setbacks arise.
Nobody can do the work for you. Yes, you can hire a personal trainer to help you reach your fitness goals, for example, but you’ve still got to lift weights, run, and sweat. That’s your work. Yes, you can hire an assistant to help manage your busy schedule, but you’ve still got to learn how to set boundaries and say “no” to commitments that aren’t right for you. That’s your work. There are certain types of work that you and only you must do. And sometimes, yes, it’s really flippin’ hard.
When I look back on the wild, stressful weeks leading up to the opening of the first Barre & Soul studio, I’m honestly not sure how we pulled it off. We tapped into unbelievable reserves of grit and grace, and somehow—with gallons of coffee, minimal sleep, and epic music playlists—we made it happen. But it required a massive amount of work, and there were so many hurdles to clear.
One of the biggest hurdles was renovating the studio and getting it ready for opening day. I was counting on my super-handy partner Jason to help make this happen, but then a couple days after I signed the lease, he found out he needed knee surgery. Just like that, he was out of commission. I didn’t have the budget to hire a non-boyfriend employee. I thought to myself, “Now what?”
But then, things took a surprising twist. A woman named Sam who regularly attended my yoga classes came up to me one night after class. “I heard the news. Congratulations on getting your own studio!” she told me. Then she mentioned that she’s an interior designer.
“I don’t know if you’d be interested in this, but if you need some help with the new studio, I’d love to be involved,” she said. “I could help you with painting, getting furniture, whatever you need. And if you don’t have the budget to pay me, I’d do it in exchange for a membership at the studio.”
After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told her, “Hell yes!”
A few days after that, I found a couple family members who worked in construction who I could hire at a reasonable rate to do a few of the tasks that Jason was originally going to do. Now I had Sam, my cousin, and my uncle on board. It was still going to be tricky to get the studio ready for opening day—which was rapidly approaching—but I knew we could do it. It wasn’t going to be easy to do everything while simultaneously taking care of my kids and helping Jason recover from surgery, but I was determined to make it happen. I kept telling myself, “I chose this. I signed up for this.” I knew, “This is the work that needs to get done.”
Sam and I pulled several late nights painting the walls, hanging shelves, installing cubbies and lockers, and drilling barres into the walls. She made some stellar playlists for those long, tiring nights, and she was the person who introduced me to the Irish singer-songwriter Hozier. Hozier has become possibly my favorite artist ever, and his music was my personal soundtrack for the next couple of years. In spite of the long hours of hard work, those are fond memories now.
We finished the studio just in the nick of time. On opening
day, longtime students, curious neighbors, friends, and family flowed through the door to check out the new space. As each
new face popped into the doorway, I thought to myself, “This is really happening!” The world’s first Barre & Soul studio was open
for business.
There were so many moments along the way when I wanted to cry, give up, take a nap, drink a large bottle of vodka, hide, or curl into a ball…you get the idea. Opening that first studio was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
But I’ve learned that’s what it takes to achieve any kind of meaningful goal. You’ve got to keep showing up and putting in the work even when you don’t feel like it, even when you’re anxious, and even when it’s not your best day. One more step forward, even when it’s tough: that’s the definition of grit.
Keep Swimming Forward
During the 2016 Olympics in Rio, a young swimmer named Yusra Mardini competed in the hundred-meter freestyle and the hundred-meter butterfly. She was then eighteen years old, and she is a Syrian refugee. When a journalist asked about her training regime, Yusra politely explained that sometimes it was difficult to practice in the swimming pool back in Syria because, you know, bombs would come and tear holes in the ceiling—that sort of thing. But that didn’t stop Yusra from training and making it to the Olympics. She concluded the interview by adding, “When you have a problem in your life, that doesn’t mean you have to sit around and cry like babies or something.”
Yusra’s invincible attitude is so inspiring to me. But she’s not superhuman. She’s a human being, just like you or me. The type of grit that Yusra has inside her heart—that ability to keep swimming forward, no matter what—is something that I believe we all have, every single one of us. We just have to dig deep and decide to use it.
Write & Discuss: You’ve Got More
Grit Than You Think
Often, we think to ourselves, “Well, other people are strong and brave, but not me. Other people can persevere no matter what, but not me. I don’t have that kind of grit. I wish I did, but I don’t. I’m kind of a wimp.”
But maybe that’s completely untrue. Maybe you’re tougher than you think.
If you reflect back on your life—all of your experiences, your struggles, your achievements—I bet you can come up with at least one situation where you demonstrated considerable grit.
Maybe you didn’t think you could withstand the pain of childbirth—but you did it.
Maybe you didn’t think you’d survive your first week at your new job—but you did it.
Maybe your yoga instructor said, “Just give me five more seconds in plank pose,” and you cursed angrily inside your mind and didn’t think you’d make it, but you did it.
Maybe in school, you didn’t think you’d be able to crank out your final term paper and turn it in by the eight o’clock deadline, but you hustled and pulled an all-nighter, and miraculously, you did it.
Maybe you didn’t think you could survive the agony of losing a loved one, but you made it through that dark time. You’re still standing.
Just like our sheroes—women like Hillary Clinton, like Maya Angelou, like Yusra Mardini—we’re all capable of digging deep, tapping into our reserves of grit and grace, and achieving more than we thought possible. But sometimes we forget that we have this ability. We forget our own strength.
Here’s my assignment for you:
Write down a list of your most impressive achievements. You can call it your Grit List, your Badass Brags, your highlight reel, or your “Hell Yes! I Did That!” List.
Read back your list whenever you doubt your strength. Refresh your memory. Remind yourself, “Oh yeah. Actually, I’m strong enough to handle anything. I can achieve anything I set my mind to. This list is my evidence. I’ve got what it takes.”
Temporary Failure—or Permanent Regret?
Just before I signed the paperwork on my first Barre & Soul studio, my mind started racing with all kinds of terrible worst-case scenarios:
“What if this is an awful mistake? What if nobody wants to sign up and my classes are empty? What if I can’t ever pay back the loan I took out to finance the studio? What if I have to dig through dumpsters to find stale bread loaves to feed myself and my kids?”
All of those “What ifs?” blew into my mind like the tumbleweeds in the hauntingly empty studio of my nightmares.
I had to give myself a major pep talk—just like you might talk to a friend who’s panicking before a big date, a speaking gig, or a job interview. Here’s what I told myself:
“If this risk doesn’t work out, then the absolute worst-case scenario is that I’ll be broke—not dead; not in jail—just broke. I’ve been broke before, and I survived. I could survive it again if I needed to. It would suck, for sure, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I could get through it.”
I also reminded myself that if I didn’t take this risk, I would always feel disappointed in myself for not trying. I would rather feel the temporary sting of failure than live with permanent regrets.
Write & Discuss:
The Worst-Case Scenario
Think about one of your current goals. If it doesn’t work out, what is the absolute worst-case scenario?
If you found yourself in that worst-case scenario, what might you do to start improving your situation? What would it take to get things back on track?
That worst-case scenario might be pretty rough. But how will you feel if you don’t try at all? What would that be like?
Imagine you just got an email from a friend who’s thinking about pursuing a big, exciting goal. She’s nervous. She’s doubting her abilities. She’s unsure if she can handle all the risk. She’s feeling all kinds of emotions. She really needs a pep talk. What would you say to her? Write an encouraging message for your friend.
Whatever you’d say to that friend…you guessed it…that is what you need to say to yourself.
The Right Person Is You. The Right Time Is Today.
“I’m still pretty young. I’ve got plenty of time.”
“I’ll start on Monday. OK, uh, maybe next Monday.”
“There’s always next summer.”
“Maybe later, once life settles down a bit.”
“Things are just so busy right now.”
“It’s not the right time.”
“I can handle it later.”
These phrases seem so innocent, but they’re not. They’re dangerous. These phrases become beliefs, and these beliefs keep us in a holding pattern—procrastinating, stalling, putting off important decisions and action steps until a later date.
I spent my twenties telling myself, “I’m still pretty young. I can do it later”—among many other excuses. But one day, I woke up and realized that I was burning through year after year of “laters.” I was going to blink and be thirty, then forty, then fifty, then sixty, and beyond. I could feel time accelerating with every passing year. And meanwhile, what was I doing with my life? What was I contributing to the world? What was I building? What type of legacy was I creating? Not the one I wanted, at least not yet.
At a certain point in life—for me, it happened just before my thirtieth birthday—we have to face the uncomfortable reality that actually, no, we can’t necessarily do it later. We don’t have all the time in the world. We have today—and today is always the right time to move forward.
“The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago.
The next best time is today.”
—Chinese Proverb
Whatever kind of tree you need to plant, don’t wait. Plant it today.
Sara Mora | SaraMora.me
She Owns It: Sara Mora
Allow me to introduce you to my friend Sara Mora, a young woman who seriously owns her goals. At twenty-two years old, she is an activist and a social media influencer. She is a sought-after speaker at immigrant rights events because of her work as an extraordinarily dedicated, smart, and compassionate advocate for immigrant rights and for women. She is also the elected co-president for the Women’s March Youth Empower national cohort. Her thousands of followers have been a tool for Sara to truly advocate and speak out via social media regarding the many critical issues currently being decided in the halls of government. Sara has given speeches and led marches on more than a dozen occasions across the country and has authored acclaimed opinion pieces that have shaped the debate on the DREAM Act both in New Jersey and nationally.
Andrea. Have you ever set a goal that made you think, “Yikes. Can I really do that? Am I capable of that?” What was that goal, and what’s the status now?
Sara. Yes. Honestly, I feel like a big part of what I do involves taking risks that seem to be a stretch or too much to handle. However, about two months ago after brainstorming, I concluded it was a logical time for my main online platform to turn into a call to action instead of just one of motivation/inspiration only. This would mean using every project and bit of content in a totally different way and speaking on my platform with an urgency for action versus pure enthusiasm and motivation.
I’m only two months in, so while there is so much developing, I was definitely able to reach my main goal of keeping my followers on board through the transition. I am still actively working on engaging people and gaining everyone’s trust so as to get my audience to engage. The transition has exceeded my expectations, thankfully.
Andrea. Do you set new goals every year, like on January 1st? Or do you set new goals every season, every month, or every week?
Sara. At one point in time I set goals every year. Now I set goals every month as I encounter new projects and my network grows.
Andrea. Is there a big goal that’s been on your mind for a while that you haven’t announced publicly yet? What is it?
Sara. Yes, I want to write a book, and I am working to develop an app.
Andrea. Imagine a woman with a huge goal who’s feeling paralyzed about how to take the first steps. If you were sitting down for coffee and an encouraging chat, what would you say to her?
Sara. I would tell her to visualize what she is looking to create. After visualizing, break down the first step required to literally achieve the goal.
Andrea. What would you say to someone who isn’t sure what their purpose is? What’s your advice for someone who wants to do meaningful work but feels a bit lost or aimless?
Sara. I have definitely felt aimless and was not sure of my purpose at seventeen, to be exact. The biggest advice is: get moving! Do not stay still. When you are hungry for anything, you do not stay still. Move. Take action on the first one or two things you love to do. Find mentors via social media. Go on Eventbrite and search up events in the topics you are most interested in. Ask questions. Create, even if you are not 100 percent confident in what you create.
Andrea. Ellen DeGeneres is building a legacy of laughter and kindness. Barack Obama’s legacy is one of hope and optimism. My legacy is to inspire women to take charge of their lives, stop waiting for permission, stop waiting to be rescued, and pursue whatever they want. If you had to sum up your own legacy in a few words or sentences, how would you describe it?
Sara. I am undocumented, so my legacy is one of resilience and of exceeding expectations placed over how successful one can be based on [one’s] identity, culture, and/or any limitations. [After I’m gone,] I hope they say I was a leader who created leaders and that I left open spaces for women of color, women in general, and youth to feel they can change the world too.
Own Your Goals: Review
1. What are your top three goals right now?
2. What are some negative thoughts that pop into your head periodically? (“I don’t know how,” “I’m not disciplined enough,”
“It’s not the right time,” etc.)
3. When those thoughts arise, how will you challenge them? How will you change the conversation so that you can replace limiting beliefs with empowering ones?
4. Are there areas where you feel stuck because of something you don’t know? What questions, if answered, could help you get unstuck? Write them down. Who could you ask who might be able to answer them or point you toward someone who can answer them?
5. Who have you already told about your goal(s)? Who are three more people you could tell?
6. What are some of the creative, emotional, and/or financial risks that you need to take in order to achieve your goals?
7. What’s the biggest risk you can tolerate taking right now?
The Keys to Owning Your Goals
•Embrace envy and get honest about what you really want.
•Tell someone! Sharing is a powerful first step.
•Rewrite your negative thoughts and replace them with positive statements—then start saying them out loud to others.
•Determine the biggest risk you can tolerate right now that will move you toward your goal.
•Do it! Forget “someday”—get started now.
