Читать книгу His Lover's Little Secret - Andrea Laurence - Страница 9

Two

“I don’t need you to drive me to class.”

Gavin stood holding open the passenger door of his Aston Martin with a frown lining his face. Sabine knew she didn’t want to get in the car with him. Getting in would mean a private tongue-lashing she wasn’t ready for yet. She’d happily take the bus to avoid this.

“Just get in the car, Sabine. The longer we argue, the later you’ll be.”

Sabine watched the bus blow by the stop up the street and swore under her breath. She’d never make it to class in time unless she gave in and let him drive her there. Sighing in defeat, she climbed inside. Gavin closed the door and got in on his side. “Go up the block and turn right at the light,” she instructed. If she could focus on directions, perhaps they’d have less time to talk about what she’d done.

She already had a miserably guilty conscience. It wasn’t like she could look at Jared without thinking of Gavin. Lying to him was never something she intended to do, but the moment she found out she was pregnant, she was overcome with a fierce territorial and protective urge. She and Gavin were from different planets. He never really cared for her the way she did for him. The same would hold true for their son. Jared would be acquired just like any other asset of the Brooks Empire. He deserved better than that. Better than what Gavin had been given.

She did what she thought she had to do to protect her child, and she wouldn’t apologize for it. “At the second light, turn left.”

Gavin remained silent as they drove, unnerving her more with every minute that ticked by. She was keenly aware of the way his hands tightly gripped the leather steering wheel. The tension was evident in every muscle of his body, straining the threads of his designer suit. His smooth, square jaw was flexed as though it took everything he had to keep his emotions in check and his eyes on the road.

It was a practiced skill of Gavin’s. When they were together, he always kept his feelings tamped down. The night she told him they were over, there had barely been a flicker of emotion in his eyes. Not anger. Not sadness. Not even a “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Just a solemnly resigned nod and she was dismissed from his life. He obviously never really cared for Sabine. But this might be the situation that caused him to finally blow.

When his car pulled to a stop outside the community center where she taught, he shifted into Neutral, pulled the parking brake and killed the engine. He glanced down at his Rolex. “You’re early.”

She was. She didn’t have to be inside for another fifteen minutes. He’d driven a great deal faster than the bus and hadn’t stopped every block to pick up people. It was pointless to get out of the car and stand in front of the building to wait for the previous class to end. That meant time in the car alone with Gavin. Just perfect.

After an extended silence, he spoke. “So, was I horrible to you? Did I treat you badly?” His low voice was quiet, his eyes focused not on her but on something through the windshield ahead of them.

Sabine silently groaned. Somehow she preferred the yelling to this. “Of course not.”

He turned to look at her then, pinning her with his dark eyes. “Did I say or do anything while we were together to make you think I would be a bad father?”

A bad father? No. Perhaps a distracted one. A distant one. An absent one. Or worse, a reluctant one. But not a bad father. “No. Gavin, I—”

“Then why, Sabine? Why would you keep something so important from me? Why would you keep me from being in Jared’s life? He’s young now, but eventually he’d notice he didn’t have a daddy like other kids. What if he thought I didn’t want him? Christ, Sabine. He may not have been planned, but he’s still my son.”

When he said it like that, every excuse in her mind sounded ridiculous. How could she explain that she didn’t want Jared to grow up spoiled, rich but unloved? That she wanted him with her, not at some expensive boarding school? That she didn’t want him to become a successful, miserable shell of a man like his father? All those excuses resulted from her primary fear that she couldn’t shake. “I was afraid I would lose him.”

Gavin’s jaw still flexed with pent-up emotions. “You thought I would take him from you?”

“Wouldn’t you?” Her gaze fixed on him, a challenge in her eyes. “Wouldn’t you have swooped in the minute he was born and claimed him as your own? I’m sure your fancy friends and family would be horrified that a person like me was raising the future Brooks Express Shipping heir. It wouldn’t be hard to deem me an unfit mother and have some judge from your father’s social club grant you full custody.”

“I wouldn’t have done that.”

“I’m sure you only would’ve done what you thought was best for your son, but how was I to know what that would entail? What would happen if you decided he would be better off with you and I was just a complication? I wouldn’t have enough money or connections to fight you. I couldn’t risk it.” Sabine felt the tears prickling her eyes, but she refused to cry in front of Gavin.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of you handing him off to nannies and tutors. Buying his affection with expensive gifts because you were too busy building the family company to spend time with him. Shipping him off to some boarding school as soon as he was old enough, under the guise of getting him the best education when you really just want him out of your hair. Jared wasn’t planned. He wasn’t the golden child of your socially acceptable marriage. You might want him on principle, but I couldn’t be certain you would love him.”

Gavin sat silent for a moment, listening to her tirade. The anger seemed to have run its course. Now he just looked emotionally spent, his dark eyes tired. He looked just like Jared after a long day without a nap.

Sabine wanted to brush the dark strands of hair from his weary eyes and press her palm against the rough stubble of his cheek. She knew exactly how it would feel. Exactly how his skin would smell...an intoxicating mixture of soap, leather and male. But she wouldn’t. Her attraction to Gavin was a hurdle she had to overcome to leave him the first time. The years hadn’t dulled her reaction to him. Now, it would be an even larger complication she didn’t need.

“I don’t understand why you would think that,” he said at last, his words quieter now.

“Because that’s what happened to you, Gavin.” She lowered her voice to a soft, conversational tone. “And it’s the only way you know how to raise a child. Nannies and boarding schools are normal to you. You told me yourself how your parents were always too busy for you and your siblings. How your house cycled through nannies like some people went through tissue paper. Do you remember telling me about how miserable and lonely you were when they sent you away to school? Why would I want that for Jared? Even if it came with all the money and luxury in the world? I wasn’t about to hand him over to you so he could live the same hollow life you had. I didn’t want him to be groomed to be the next CEO of Brooks Express Shipping.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Gavin challenged with a light of anger returning to the chocolate depths of his eyes. “There are worse things than growing up wealthy and becoming the head of a Fortune 500 company founded by your great-great-grandfather. Like growing up poor. Living in a small apartment with secondhand clothes.”

“His clothes aren’t secondhand!” she declared, her blood rushing furiously through her veins. “They’re not from Bloomingdale’s, but they aren’t rags, either. I know that to you we look like we live in squalor, but we don’t. It’s a small apartment, but it’s in a quiet neighborhood near the park where he can play. He has food and toys and most importantly, all the love, stability and attention I can possibly give him. He’s a happy, healthy child.”

Sabine didn’t want to get defensive, but she couldn’t help it. She recognized the tone from back when they were dating. The people in his social circles were always quick to note her shabby-chic fashion sense and lack of experience with an overabundance of flatware. They declared it charming, but Sabine could see the mockery in their eyes. They never thought she was good enough for one of the Brooks men. She wasn’t about to let Gavin tell her that the way she raised her child wasn’t good enough, either.

“I have no doubt that you’re doing a great job with Jared. But why would you make it so hard on yourself? You could have a nice place in Manhattan. You could send him to one of the best private preschools in the city. I could get you a nice car and someone to help you cook and clean and take care of all the little things. I would’ve made sure you both had everything you needed—and without taking him from you. There was no reason to sacrifice those comforts.”

“I didn’t sacrifice anything,” Sabine insisted. She knew those creature comforts came with strings. She’d rather do without. “I never had those things to begin with.”

“No sacrifices?” Gavin shifted in the car to face her directly. “What about your painting? I’ve kept an eye out over the years and haven’t noticed any showings of your work. I didn’t see any supplies or canvases lying around the apartment, either. I assume your studio space gave way to Jared’s things, so where did all that go?”

Sabine swallowed hard. He had her there. She’d moved to New York to follow her dream of becoming a painter. She had lived and breathed her art every moment of the day she could. Her work had even met with some moderate success. She’d had a gallery showing and sold a few pieces, but it wasn’t enough to live on. And it certainly wasn’t enough to raise a child on. So her priorities shifted. Children took time. And energy. And money. At the end of the day, the painting had fallen to the bottom of her list. Some days she missed the creative release of her work, but she didn’t regret setting it aside.

“It’s in the closet,” she admitted with a frown.

“And when was the last time you painted?”

“Saturday,” she replied a touch too quickly.

Gavin narrowed his gaze at her.

“Okay, it was finger paints,” Sabine confessed. She turned away from Gavin’s heavy stare and focused on the yoga mat in her lap. He saw more than she wanted him to. He always had. “But,” she continued, “Jared and I had a great time doing it, even if it wasn’t gallery-quality work. He’s the most important thing in the world to me, now. More important than painting.”

“You shouldn’t have to give up one thing you love for another.”

“Life is about compromises, Gavin. Certainly you know what it’s like to set aside what you love to do for what you’re obligated to do.”

He stiffened in the seat beside her. It seemed they were both guilty of putting their dreams on the back burner, although for very different reasons. Sabine had a child to raise. Gavin had family expectations to uphold and a shipping empire to run. The tight collar of his obligations had chafed back when they were dating. It had certainly rubbed him bloody and raw by now.

When he didn’t respond, Sabine looked up. He was looking out the window, his thoughts as distant as his eyes.

It was surreal to be in the same car with Gavin after all this time. She could feel his gravitational pull on her when they were this close. Walking away from him the first time had been hard. They dated for about a month and a half, but every moment they spent together had been fiercely passionate. Not just sexual, either. They enjoyed everything to the fullest, from spicy ethnic foods to political debates, museum strolls to making love under the stars. They could talk for hours.

Their connection was almost enough to make her forget they wanted different things from life. And as much as he seemed enticed by the exoticness of their differences, she knew it wouldn’t last long. The novelty would wear off and they would either break up, or he would expect her to change for him. That was one thing she simply wouldn’t do. She wouldn’t conform for her parents and the small-minded Nebraska town she grew up in, and she wouldn’t do it for him. She came to New York so she could be herself, not to lose her identity and become one of the Brooks Wives. They were like Stepfords with penthouse apartments.

She had briefly met some of Gavin’s family, and it had scared the hell out of her. They hadn’t been dating very long when they ran into his parents at a restaurant. It was an awkward encounter that came too early in the relationship, but the impact on Sabine had been huge. His mother was a flawless, polished accessory of his father’s arm. Sabine was fairly certain that even if she wanted to be, she would be neither flawless nor polished. She didn’t want to fade into the background of her own life.

It didn’t matter how much she loved Gavin. And she did. But she loved herself more. And she loved Jared more.

But breathing the same air as Gavin again made her resolve weaken. She had neglected her physical needs for too long and made herself vulnerable. “So what do we do now?” Sabine asked at last.

As if he’d read her thoughts, Gavin reached over to her and took her hand in his. The warmth of him enveloped her, a tingle of awareness prickling at the nape of her neck. It traveled like a gentle waterfall down her back, lighting every nerve. Her whole body seemed to be awakening from a long sleep like a princess in a fairy tale. And all it had taken was his touch. She couldn’t imagine what would happen if the dashing prince actually kissed her.

Kissed her? Was she insane? He was no dashing prince, and she had run from this relationship for a good reason. He may have tracked her down and she might be obligated to allow him to have a place in Jared’s life, but that didn’t mean they had to pick up where they left off. Quite the contrary. She needed to keep her distance from Gavin if she knew what was good for her. He’d let her go once, proving just how much she didn’t matter to him. Anything he said or did now to the contrary was because of Jared. Not her.

His thumb gently stroked the back of her hand. Her body remembered that touch and everything it could lead to. Everything she’d denied herself since she became a mother...

He looked up at her, an expression of grave seriousness on his face. “We get married.”

* * *

Gavin had never proposed to a woman before. Well, it wasn’t really even a proposal since he hadn’t technically asked. And even though it wasn’t candlelight and diamonds, he certainly never imagined a response like this.

Sabine laughed at him. Loudly. Heartily. For an unnecessarily long period of time. She obviously had no idea how hard it had been for him to do this. How many doubts he had to set aside to ask anyone to be a permanent part of his life, much less someone with a track record of walking away from him.

He’d thought they were having a moment. Her glossy lips had parted softly and her pale eyes darkened when he’d touched her. It should’ve been the right time, the perfect moment. But he’d miscalculated. Her response to his proposal had proved as much.

“I’m serious!” he shouted over her peals of laughter, but it only made her giggle harder. Gavin sat back in his seat and waited for her to stop. It took a few minutes longer than his pride would’ve liked. Eventually, she quieted and wiped her damp eyes with her fingertips.

“Marry me, Sabine,” he said.

“No.”

He almost wished Sabine had gone back to laughing. The firm, sober rejection was worse. It reminded him of her pained, resolved expression as she broke off their relationship and walked out of his life.

“Why not?” He couldn’t keep the insulted tone from his voice. He was a great catch. She should be thrilled to get this proposal, even as spur of the moment and half-assed as it was.

Sabine smiled and patted his hand reassuringly. “Because you don’t want to marry me, Gavin. You want to do the right thing and provide a stable home for your son. And that’s noble. Really. I appreciate the sentiment. But I’m not going to marry someone that doesn’t love me.”

“We have a child together.”

“That’s not good enough for me.”

Gavin scoffed. “Making our son legitimate isn’t a good enough reason for you?”

“We’re not talking about the succession to the throne of England, Gavin. It’s not exactly the horrid stigma it used to be. Having you in his life is more than enough for me. That’s all I want from you—quality time.”

“Quality time?” Gavin frowned. Somehow legally binding themselves in marriage seemed an easier feat.

“Yes. If you’re committed enough to your son to marry his mother when you don’t love her, you should be committed enough to put in the time. I’m not going to introduce a ‘dad’ into his life just so you can work late and ignore him. He’s better off without a dad than having one that doesn’t make an effort. You can’t miss T-ball games and birthday parties. You have to be there when you say you will. If you can’t be there for him one hundred percent, don’t bother.”

Her words hit him hard. He didn’t have bad parents, but he did have busy ones. Gavin knew how it felt to be the lowest item on someone’s priority list. How many times had he sat alone on the marble staircase of his childhood home and waited for parents who never showed up? How many times had he scanned the crowd at school pageants and ball games looking for family that wasn’t there?

He’d always sworn he wouldn’t do that to his own children, but even after having seen his son, the idea of him wasn’t quite a firm reality in Gavin’s mind. He had only this primitive need to claim the child and its mother. To finally have someone in his life that couldn’t walk away.

That’s why he’d rushed out to Brooklyn without any sort of plan. But she was right. He didn’t know what to do with a child. His reflex would be to hand him off to someone who did and focus on what he was good at—running his family business. He couldn’t afford the distraction, especially so close to closing his latest business deal.

And that was exactly what she was afraid of.

She had good reason, too. He’d spent most of their relationship vacillating between ignoring her for work and ignoring work for her. He never found the balance. A child would compound the problem. Part of the reason Gavin hadn’t seriously focused on settling down was because he knew his work priorities would interfere with family life. He kept waiting for the day when things at BXS would slow down enough for him to step back. But it never happened. His father hadn’t stepped back until the day he handed the reins over to Gavin, and he’d missed his children growing up to do it.

Gavin didn’t have a choice any longer. He had a child. He would have to find a way—a better way than his father chose—to keep the company on top and keep his promises to his son and Sabine. He wasn’t sure how the hell he would do it, but he would make it happen.

“If I put in the quality time, will you let me help you?”

“Help me with what?”

“With life, Sabine. If you won’t marry me, let me get you a nice apartment in the city. Wherever you want to live. Let me help pay for Jared’s education. We can enroll him in the best preschool. I can get someone to help around the house. Someone that can cook and clean, even pick up Jared from school if you want to keep working.”

“And why would you want to do that? What you’re suggesting is incredibly expensive.”

“Maybe, but it’s worth it to me. It’s an investment in my child. Making your life easier will make you a happier, more relaxed mother to our son. He can spend more time playing and learning than sitting on the subway. And admittedly, having you in Manhattan will make it easier for me to see Jared more often.”

He could see the conflict in Sabine’s pale green eyes. She was struggling. She was proud and wouldn’t admit it, but raising Jared on her own had to be difficult. Kids weren’t cheap. They took time and money and effort. She’d already sacrificed her art. But convincing her to accept his offering would take time.

He knew Sabine better than she wanted to admit. She didn’t want to be seen as one of those women who moved up in social status by calculated breeding. Jared had been an accident, of that he was certain. Judging by the expression on Sabine’s face when she opened the door to her apartment, she would’ve rather had any man’s son but his.

“Let’s take this one step at a time, please,” Sabine said, echoing his thoughts. There was a pained expression on her face that made him think there was more than just pride holding her back.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve gone from having no kids to having a toddler and very nearly a fiancée in two hours’ time. That’s a big change for you, and for both Jared and me. Let’s not uproot our lives so quickly.” She sighed and gripped his hand. “Let’s get the DNA results in, so there are no questions or doubts. Then we can introduce the idea of you to Jared and tell our families. From there, maybe we move into the city to be closer to you. But let’s make these decisions over weeks and months, not minutes.”

She glanced down at the screen on her cell phone. “I’ve got to get inside and set up.”

“Okay.” Gavin got out of the car and came around to open her door and help her out.

“I have tomorrow off. If you can make an appointment for DNA testing, call or text me and we’ll meet you there. My number is the same. Do you still have it?”

He did. He’d very nearly dialed it about a hundred times in the weeks after she’d left. He’d been too proud to go through with the call. A hundred people had drifted in and out of his life, but Sabine leaving had caught him by surprise and it stung. He’d wanted to fight, wanted to call her and convince her she was wrong about them. But she wanted to go and he let her.

Now he could kick himself for not manning up and telling her he wanted her and didn’t care what others thought about it. That he would make the time for her. Maybe then he would’ve been there to hear his son’s heartbeat in the doctor’s office, his first cries and his first words. Maybe then the mother of his child wouldn’t look at him with wary eyes and laugh off his proposal of marriage like a joke.

He made a point of pulling out his phone and confirming it so she wouldn’t think he knew for certain. “I do.”

Sabine nodded and slowly started walking backward across the grass. Even after all this time apart, it felt awkward to part like strangers without a hug or a kiss goodbye. They were bonded for a lifetime now, and yet he had never felt as distant from her as he did when she backed away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” she said.

“Tomorrow,” he repeated.

He watched as she regarded him for a moment at a distance. There was a sadness in her expression that he didn’t like. The Sabine he remembered was a vibrant artist with a lust for life and experience. She had jerked him out of his blah corporate existence, demanded he live his life, not just go through the motions. Sabine was nothing like what he was supposed to have but absolutely everything he needed. He’d regretted every day since she’d walked out of his life.

Now, he regretted it more than ever, and not just because of his son. The sad, weary woman walking away from him was just a shadow of the person he once knew. And he hated that.

The outdoor lights kicked on, lighting the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Gavin,” she said before spinning on her heels and disappearing through the doors of the community center.

She was sorry. And so was he.