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i’m a woman now

i’m ann, and i’m a woman now.

twenty-nine years old.

eight years out of college,

through three jobs.

with enough experiences to produce some

maturity.

when i started speaking, i often defined myself as

“a simple, young girl.” that is a secure feeling and

i find myself still tempted to use it.

i feel as if i must be twenty.

there’s zest and energy and enthusiasm inside.

but no longer can people muse,

“she is so young to have done so many things.

she’s just fresh in the real world. we must give

her room to grow.”

it isn’t that perfection is demanded.

just some discretion, a balance in opinions.

sensibleness.

whatever i now achieve, with God’s help,

will no longer be phenomenal, but expected.

being grown up can be scary. no more room

for excuses.

as a child in a conservative evangelical home,

truth was black and white;

life, cut and dried.

by the time i reached college,

i was self-assured about my stability

and wisdom to control

whatever rough spots came along.

there might be pain and struggle,

but God and i would come through.

i knew ann.

ann had foundation.

she was strong. now,

several years later, i’m amazed

at how poorly i sometimes came through

(certainly no blame on God),

and shocked at how confused i

was in situations i always felt

convinced i could handle.

today, truth does not stare at me

in black and white. at times

i find myself “seeking and searching with all my

heart,” and then taking a step and simply asking

God

to show me clearly if it is wrong.

i believe His love promises to do that.

a mind-boggling experience was, discovering,

suddenly, that all Christians did not have the same

interpretations of Scripture or life. strong

Christians!

with deep faith

and poised spirits that had been

mellowed by all kinds of tragedy and

years.

at a baptist convention i addressed, i casually

mentioned over dinner how much i loved the

theology of e. stanley jones. people

cleared their throats and coughed and mumbled

out negatives.

a long-time devout Christian woman

told me she thought sins of passion were more

forgivable than breaking of the sabbath–even

going out after church on sunday nights for

refreshments.

(lots of people in my church flock to restaurants on

sunday nights.)

admired Christian writers strongly disagree

with one another on various issues.

somehow, i grew up without realizing

that there is more than one way for married

partners to be unfaithful to each other. speaking to

a denominational meeting of my church, a man

told me how he had been persecuted for changing

over from the other denomination, charged now as

a non-evangelical.

as a young woman, i must internalize for myself

what i shall

live and die by.

i must open myself wide to God and decide

through all the varying feelings and opinions and

interpretations what is honestly right and real for

me, what will be true to my integrity.

no, life isn’t so simple now.

it can be complex and sometimes very frightening.

in my traveling i have met many people…

Christians… with seemingly impossible

situations. there are not a lot of easy answers.

sometimes i cannot even think of one. people call

for advice. i have no pat answers. i can share what

is right for me, what the Bible says about various

things… but i don’t know where people are

coming from, or all the wounded parts of their

emotions.

i cannot make judgments.

i don’t believe Jesus Christ asks that from

me. He wants me to listen. to give warmth

and love. to try and help a person grasp

God in his/her life and decide, through

God, what is truth for him or her. to

understand the power of total commitment.

but judgment, no.

i’ve not walked anyone else’s road; i’ve not carried

others’ crosses.

i’ve not felt their childhood. i’ve never crawled

behind their skin where hearts and minds beat.

only God has.

only i know me, and only God and i, alone,

know what place God has in my life… and if

what i say is honest.

often people talk of being afraid of God.

i’m not. people, yes. God, no.

God knows me through and through. He’s fair.

He’s kind. and forgiving and longsuffering. He

places no stigmas, ever.

people… that’s something else. they (Christians

as much as any) can be impatient and critical and

harsh. they are so individualistic; and all kinds

expect you to come up to their different

expectations, people scare me.

once i found a man in a filthy tenement who was a

dying alcoholic. he had at one time been a brilliant,

suave, talented personality who had made quite a

mark in his church. one afternoon, i took an older,

much-trusted Christian man with me, and after

several hours of prayer in that tiny room, we saw a

wasted body and spirit touched by God.

and for awhile, literally changed.

it was awesome and beautiful.

i was caught up with a sense of mission and a

miracle

God.

i so wanted this man to make it, to see God

develop “something beautiful” for his

tomorrows. he began

telling me that this would only be possible if i

became his wife and helped him. i was totally

caught up in the cause of his survival.

well, time revealed that i was off-course. my

marrying him would certainly not have been the

secret to his survival. only God was. i had some

moments of poor judgment, i acted without good

sense, but God knew that never was i more genuine

in wanting a person to be His than i was then, and

never was i any more sincere in seeking God’s

direction.

i’m grateful that God cared for both of us.

we went our separate ways.

some people in my church will always tag me “a

poor risk” because of that incident where i almost

did the wrong thing. and i must confess i’ve been

just as guilty in tagging others.

i hope i’m learning not to.

as a child, my parents talked often about the secret

to life: letting Jesus be Lord. today i have little

assurance about MY ability to cope successfully

with all that shall face me in life. i am more

convinced than ever that if Jesus Christ controls

me totally, and i faithfully seek Him, He will move

quietly and constantly and protectively through

the valleys

agonies

decisions

incredibly stifling places.

as we experience life, truth will grow

in us if God is in us.

i will always, i guess, “see through a glass darkly”

on some things… but i can’t wait to ask God for

just ten minutes of His time so He can sit down

with me and answer some questions i have,

and clear the confusions.

someday i can.

today, He expects me to be a

woman—to fill the unknown, the uncertainties,

and the empty places with Himself.

to find the poise a living Lord can give.