Читать книгу Came to Believe - Anonymous - Страница 14

Before my commitment to a state alcoholic center, I had had a dry stint in Alcoholics Anonymous. I know now that I had gone to A.A. to save my marriage, job, and liver, though no one could have convinced me at the time that I hadn’t sought A.A. with all the proper motives. In seven months, my liver got well, and I got drunk for six weeks, winding up at the center.

On my eighth night there, I knew that I was dying. I was so weak that I could hardly breathe; my breath came in little gasps, quite far apart. If a drink had been put within an inch of my hand, I wouldn’t have had the strength to take it. For the first time in my life, I was backed into a corner that I could not fight, cheat, lie, steal, or buy my way out of. I was trapped. For the first time in my life, I uttered a sincere prayer: “God, please help me.” I didn’t bargain with Him, nor did I suggest how or when He should help.

Immediately, I became calm and relaxed. There was no flash of lightning or clap of thunder, not even a still, small voice. I was scared. I didn’t know what had happened. But I went to sleep and slept all night. When I awakened the next morning, I was refreshed, strong, and hungry. But the most wonderful thing was that, for the first time in my life, that dark, mysterious cloud of fear was gone. My first thought was to write to my wife about this experience, and I did. Imagine being able to write a letter after the condition I had been in the night before!

I am sure that some would classify this experience as an example of “letting go and letting God.” Not this self-willed character! I had held on to the thin strand of my will until it just snapped, and then I was caught up by the “everlasting arms.” I had to be rendered helpless, just like a drowning man who fights his rescuer.

I returned to A.A., but I was reluctant for a long time to tell of my experience. I was afraid that no one would believe me and that they would laugh. Later, I learned that others had had similar experiences.

A spiritual experience, I think, is what God does for a man when the man is completely helpless to do it for himself. A spiritual awakening is what a man does through his willingness to have his life transformed by following a proven program of spiritual growth, and this is a never-ending venture.

Raleigh, North Carolina