Читать книгу Slender Man - Anonymous - Страница 13

First time showing anyone anything. (self.writing)

submitted 2 hours ago * by breakerbreaker1989

Actually, that’s a lie. I showed this to a friend of mine. But she’s pretty much obliged to be encouraging, so it was only a white lie. Forgive me.

This is the first part of a story I’ve been working on. I’m not sure whether it’s a short, or a novella, or maybe even the opening of something longer. I guess it’s high fantasy with a touch of grimdark (as much as I hate that word) and I would think the influences are going to be pretty clear to anyone who gives it a look – Tolkien, Sanderson, Abercrombie, King, etc.

It’s called The Dawn Always Breaks. 3k words. And I know this is probably a forlorn hope on a reddit sub, but please try to be kind … :)

http://www.dropbox.com/kjuehma7h

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[-] creativewritinggrad 2 points 2 hours ago

Will check this out.

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[-] breakerbreaker1989 2 points 2 hours ago

Thanks. Hope you enjoy it.

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[-] banksculturefan 0 points 2 hours ago

Not my thing. Sorry.

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[-] moviefan2.1 3 points 1 hour ago

I bet OP really appreciates you taking the time to tell him that.

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[-] banksculturefan 0 points 14 minutes ago

Who cares what you think?

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[-] roofing_contractor_indiana 0 points 2 hours ago

Tolkien sucks.

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[-] mrdoloresclaiborne 2 points 1 hour ago

Just read the first couple of paras. Liking it so far.

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[-] breakerbreaker1989 0 points 1 hour ago

Thanks a lot.

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[-] creativewritinggrad 4 points 28 minutes ago

OK. Have read and digested. Here are my thoughts, for you to take or leave as you please …

On the whole, I think it’s got a lot of potential – I like the style (although I’m sure you already know it needs a deep polish for repetitions and the occasional clunky sentence construction) and I like the creation of atmosphere: I can see Stephen’s village clearly, and the opening sequence is enough to whet my appetite.

Stephen himself is immediately intriguing – he definitely leans into the trope of the good man who has done bad things, but that isn’t necessarily a problem in itself. There is scope to do a lot with him. And the world of the story feels alive without you having deluged the reader with detail – I read a lot of fantasy and there is nothing more likely to make me put a book down than fifty pages of description of geography and family trees and complex systems of government before I even know who the main character is.

My suggestions for things for you to consider are as follows (I am aware that you may already have plans for some or all of them as the story progresses, but you asked for feedback on what is there right now):

The opening is excellently atmospheric and creepy, and I’m assuming it will serve as both a dream and a flash-forward to Stephen’s search for Mary Cooper. It’s a device I like, although it raises a problem: unless you intend to show us more of these prophetic dream moments, having only one might appear like cheating, as though you don’t have quite enough confidence to pull readers into the story without leaping ahead to an out-of-context moment of drama.

I don’t know whether you intend to flashback and show us the campaign Stephen fought in the Borderlands – if you do, then I would think very carefully about structure. It can get extremely complicated if you make the decision to have a main narrative plus flashbacks and dream-sequence flashforwards. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, just that you will need to be very careful if you do.

And that’s all I have right now. If you write more, I’d be happy to read it. Sorry if that was more criticism than you wanted, but I wouldn’t have bothered if I didn’t think this was a story worth continuing. It’s good, and I have no doubt you’ll make it better.

Best of luck with it. Peace.

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[-] breakerbreaker1989 0 points 8 minutes ago

Thank you. That’s given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and to give it so much thought. It’s fucking cool of you.

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[-] creativewritinggrad 0 points 4 minutes ago

No problem at all. Keep at it.

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[-] roofing_contractor_indiana 0 points 19 minutes ago

Srsly tho. Tolkien sucks fucking donkey balls.

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[-] creativewritinggrad 4 points 3 minutes ago

Something’s been eating at me for the last half an hour or so. The dream sequence (?) opening reminded me of something, and I’ve been trying to place it. And I think I’ve got it. Did you ever read any Slender Man fic?

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