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Spreading the Word

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOUR PARTNER

Physically

• Fatigue, morning sickness, breast tenderness, and other early pregnancy symptoms are beginning to disappear

• Continuing moodiness

• She doesn’t look pregnant yet, but she’s having trouble fitting into her clothes anyway

Emotionally

• Heightened sense of reality about the pregnancy from hearing the baby’s heartbeat

• Continuing ambivalence about the pregnancy and wondering how she’s ever going to get through the next six months

• Frustration and/or excitement over her thickening waistline

• Turning inward—beginning to focus on what’s happening inside her

• Beginning to bond with the baby

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE BABY

By now, the little fetus looks pretty much like a real person—except that he or she (even a really sharp ultrasound technician would be hard pressed to tell you which) is only about two or three inches long, weighs less than an ounce, and has translucent skin and a gigantic head (although “gigantic” is a relative term—it’s roughly the size of a grape now). All the internal organs are there. Teeth, fingernails, toenails, and hair are developing nicely, and the brain is not far behind. By the end of this month, the baby will be breathing amniotic fluid and will be able to curl its toes, turn its head, open and close its mouth, and even frown.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU

A Heightened Sense of Reality

During the third month, the pregnancy begins to feel a little more tangible. By far the biggest reality booster for me was hearing the baby’s heartbeat, even though it didn’t sound anything like a real heart at all (more like a fast hoosh-hoosh-hoosh). Somehow, having the doctor tell us that what we were hearing was really a heartbeat—and a healthy one at that—was mighty reassuring.

Ambivalence

Most expectant dads have moments—or weeks or months—when they’re less than completely excited about the pregnancy. Some are petrified that something terrible will happen to their partner or the baby, or that they’ll be stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital and they’ll have to deliver the baby all by themselves on the side of the road. Some see the whole thing as an inconvenience, or a never-ending suck of time and money. Others don’t like the idea that they might lose their sex life, their youth, their independence, their friends, their savings, and that coveted spot at the center of their partner’s universe. A lot of times these feelings of ambivalence or lack of interest are followed by guilt—for not being more supportive or not being a better spouse—or fear that these less-than-warm-and-fuzzy feelings are a surefire sign that you’ll be a lousy dad. Give yourself a break, will you?

There are a number of factors that can increase or decrease these feelings of ambivalence:

• Is your partner the woman of your dreams, or were you pressured into your relationship? Similarly, is this the relationship of a lifetime, or do you have a feeling that it’s not going to last?

• Are you totally ready to be a dad, or do you feel that you were pressured into the pregnancy? Have you accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish at this stage of your life, or are you sitting on a bunch of unfulfilled dreams?

• Are you financially ready (whatever that means to you) for fatherhood, or are you worried about money?

As you can probably guess, the more ambivalence you feel, the less you’ll be involved during the rest of the pregnancy and after your baby is born.

Feeling Left Out

While becoming more aware of the reality of the pregnancy is certainly a good thing, it’s not the only thing that you’ll be feeling around this point. Toward the end of this first trimester, your partner will probably begin to spend a lot of time concentrating on what’s happening inside her body, wondering whether she’ll be a good enough mother, and establishing a bond with the baby. She may be worried about the baby’s health or concerned that every little ache and pain she feels is a sign of some horrible disease. She’s probably internalizing her feelings about all this and may become a little self-absorbed. And if she has a close relationship with her mother, the two of them may develop a deeper bond as your partner tries to find good role models.

Everything she’s going through at this point is completely normal. The danger, however, is that while your partner is turning inward, spending more time with her girlfriends, or bonding with her own mother and the baby, you may end up feeling left out, rejected, or even pushed out of the way. This can be particularly painful. But no matter how much it hurts, resist the urge to “retaliate” by withdrawing from her. Be as comforting as you can be, and let her know—in a nonconfrontational way—how you’re feeling (see the “Your Relationship” section, pages 86–90). Fortunately, this period of turning inward won’t last forever.

Excluded—or Welcomed—by Your Partner’s Practitioners

For some men—especially those who are feeling emotionally left out by their partners—the joy they experience at the increasing reality of the pregnancy can be outweighed by the bitterness they feel at the way they’re treated by their partner’s doctors. Pamela Jordan, a nurse and a pregnancy expert, found that most men feel that their presence at prenatal visits is perceived as “cute” or “novel.” I frequently hear from expectant dads that medical professionals have a tendency to treat them as if they’re mere onlookers or intruders, and consider their partners the only ones worth interacting with. If they were talked to at all during visits, it was only to discuss how to support their partners. The fact that an expectant dad might have very specific, unique, and important needs and concerns didn’t seem to occur to anyone.

If you are interested in being involved and your partner’s practitioner isn’t as welcoming as you’d like, I can just about guarantee that your experience of the whole pregnancy will be tainted. Whether you realize it or not, you probably have some pretty clear ideas about how you’d like the pregnancy and birth to go. If you’re reduced to the role of spectator, you’re not going to get what you want, and you’re going to feel stressed and resentful. That will influence your level of involvement throughout the rest of the pregnancy and will make it a lot harder to adjust to all the changes that new fatherhood will bring.

I don’t mean to suggest that this kind of thing happens everywhere, or that the fault always lies entirely with the medical staff. A lot of guys feel a little squeamish around (or are just plain put off by) gynecological stuff, and they hide in the corner to avoid having to deal with it. And if your partner has a male OB, it can also be a little odd to be in the room while another guy has his hands in places you thought were off-limits to everyone but you. (Yes, pelvic exams are standard medical procedures, and if you go to enough appointments, you’ll get used to them, but still … )

Fortunately, more and more medical professionals (but not nearly enough) are welcoming dads into the fold. In my case, over the course of three pregnancies, all of the OBs went out of their way to include me in the process. They made a special point of looking at me when talking about what was happening with my wife and the baby. They encouraged me to ask questions, and answered them thoroughly.

Part of the reason for this was that from the very beginning I made it clear that I wanted to be involved and I peppered them with questions, so it was pretty much impossible for them to ignore me. I suggest that you do the same, especially if you have even the slightest suspicion that your partner’s practitioner is ignoring you or not taking you seriously.

Our first OB even invited me to take a look at my wife’s cervix. I was a little put off by the idea, but getting to see the cervix—through which our baby would emerge just six months later—somehow made the pregnancy seem less mysterious and made me feel much more a part of the whole thing. (At the same time, I’ve got to admit that the experience was a little odd.) If your OB doesn’t offer you a look, ask for one—but expect some raised eyebrows. Be sure to ask your partner first, though. She might feel that it’s more than a bit intrusive—especially since it’s a part of her body that she may never see. Plus, she may simply not want anyone but her practitioner looking at her in such a clinical way. Can’t blame her for that one.

Physical Symptoms: Couvade

Although most of what you’ll be going through during your pregnancy will be psychological, don’t be surprised if you start developing some physical symptoms as well. Various studies estimate that as many as 90 percent of American expectant fathers experience couvade syndrome (from the French word meaning “to hatch”), or “sympathetic pregnancy.” Couvade symptoms are typically the same as those traditionally associated with pregnant women—weight gain, nausea, mood swings, food cravings—as well as some not necessarily associated with pregnant women: headaches, toothaches, itching, diarrhea, even cysts. Symptoms—if you’re going to have them at all—usually appear in about the third month of pregnancy, decrease for a few months, then pick up again in the month or two before the baby is born. In almost every case, though, the symptoms “mysteriously” disappear at the birth. Here are some of the most common reasons an expectant father might develop couvade symptoms:

SYMPATHY OR FEELINGS OF GUILT FOR WHAT THE WOMAN IS GOING THROUGH

Men have traditionally been socialized to bite the bullet when it comes to pain and discomfort. When our loved ones are suffering and we can’t do anything to stop it, our natural (and slightly irrational) instinct is to try to take their pain away—to make it ours instead of theirs. This is especially true if we have even the slightest feeling—no matter how crazy—that we’re responsible for the pain in the first place. If your partner has been suffering from morning sickness or has had any other pregnancy-related difficulties, you (and she) may feel that it’s your fault. And if her symptoms have been particularly rough, she might even reinforce your subconscious guilt by reminding you that you’re the one who “got her into all this” in the first place.

JEALOUSY

There’s no question that your partner is going to be getting a lot more attention during the pregnancy than you are. And some men who develop couvade symptoms undoubtedly do so in a subconscious attempt to shift the focus of the pregnancy to themselves. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, she’s not the only one around here who’s tossing her cookies,” or “Excuse me, but my pants aren’t fitting so well anymore either.” My father, who was pacing the waiting room while my mother was in labor with me, suddenly got a gushing nosebleed. Within seconds the delivery room was empty—except for my mother—as three nurses and two doctors raced out to take care of my poor, bleeding father. I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose, but for one brief moment during the delivery, Dad was the complete center of attention. Similarly, physical symptoms could be a kind of public way of asserting paternity.

Although it’s not exactly a couvade symptom, a lot of expectant dads take up hobbies or begin projects that allow them to create something new, just like their partner.

YOUR HORMONES COULD BE RAGING

No, I haven’t got that backward. While she’s pregnant, several of your partner’s hormone levels gradually rise. These include prolactin, which helps get her breasts ready to lactate (produce milk), and cortisol, which appears to be associated with parent-child bonding. It used to be that everyone thought these hormone changes were triggered by the developing fetus. But in several fascinating studies, researcher Anne Storey and her colleagues found something that may change a few minds. Storey took blood samples from expectant mothers and fathers at various points during the pregnancy and found that expectant dads’ levels of cortisol and prolactin (which you wouldn’t think guys would even have) paralleled their partners’. “The differences for mums were much more drastic, but the patterns were similar,” said Dr. Storey, who’s Canadian—hence the cute “mums.”

Some guys seem to be more susceptible to this kind of thing than others. In talking with the men in her study, Storey found that those who had experienced tiredness, weight gain, changes in appetite, or any other physical couvade symptoms had higher-than-average levels of prolactin and lower-than-average levels of testosterone compared to expectant dads who didn’t have these symptoms. Fortunately, this doesn’t mean that you’ll be developing breasts anytime soon. Like your partner’s, your hormone levels will return to normal not long after your baby is born, and your manliness will remain intact.

These hormone changes could also contribute to an extremely common, nonphysical type of couvade symptom. Most expectant dads find themselves somewhat more interested in children than before the pregnancy. Is it simply curiosity, or is it the body’s way of preparing the expectant dad for his changing responsibilities? Hard to say. But studies have shown that the stronger an expectant dad’s couvade symptoms, the better he’ll care for his newborn. Maybe there’s something about sharing (sort of) the physical part of pregnancy that helps develop the dad-baby bond. If any of this is hitting home, though, you may want to think twice before you let your partner read this page—especially if you’ve been making fun of her out-of-control hormones. If none of this is hitting home, that’s fine too. There are no rules about how you’re supposed to be feeling.

GOOD OLD-FASHIONED STRESS

Researcher Robert Rodriguez cites evidence that men with unplanned pregnancies seem to have more symptoms than others, and that working-class men (who, presumably, are more likely to worry about money) have more frequent symptoms than middle-class dads.

YOU MAY BE SENDING MESSAGES TO YOUR PARTNER

Generally speaking, women are more vulnerable during pregnancy and parenthood than men; you can always take off, she can’t. (At the risk of sounding politically incorrect, a number of researchers have speculated that this is precisely why women have traditionally looked for men who will be “good providers.”) As a result, expectant mothers are often particularly concerned about whether their partners are going to be there for them and whether they’re really committed to being fathers. On one level, you can reassure your partner by telling her you love her, by going to all the prenatal doctor appointments, and by educating yourself and staying as involved as you possibly can. But words aren’t always enough.

Some evolutionary psychologists have speculated recently that on a far more subconscious level, expectant dads’ physical couvade symptoms could be a chemically driven way of showing their partners just how committed they truly are. After all, you could be lying when you tell her you love her and that you’re excited about being a dad. But it’s a lot harder to fake a nosebleed or a backache or weight gain. In short, your physical symptoms may be nature’s way of giving your partner a way to evaluate your true feelings about her and the baby, as well as your reliability as a partner and fellow parent.

A LITTLE HISTORY

Most researchers today agree that in Western societies, couvade symptoms appear unconsciously in those expectant fathers who experience them. But as far back as 60 B.C.E. (and continuing today in many non-Western societies), couvade has been used deliberately in rituals designed to keep fathers involved in the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. Not all of these rituals, however, have been particularly friendly to women. W. R. Dawson writes that in the first century C.E. mothers were routinely ignored during childbirth, while their husbands were waited on in bed. And more recently, in Spain and elsewhere, mothers frequently gave birth in the fields where they worked. They then returned home to care for the baby’s father.

But in some other cultures, men tried to do the same thing they try to do today: take their partner’s pain away by attracting it to themselves. In France and Germany, for example, pregnant women were given their husband’s clothes during labor in the belief that doing so would transfer the wives’ pains to their husbands. Perhaps the most bizarre couvade ritual I’ve come across is one that enabled dads-to-be to literally share the pain of childbirth. Apparently, the Huichol people of Mexico used to position the dad in a tree or on the roof above his laboring wife. Ropes were tied around his testicles and with each contraction she could yank on the ropes and give her husband a taste of what she was going through. Seems a little much to me, but I’m sure there are plenty of women who would disagree.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of ritual couvade is the importance attached to the supernatural bond between the father and the unborn child. Whatever the fathers did during the pregnancy was believed to have a direct impact on the unborn child. In Borneo expectant fathers ate nothing but rice and salt—a diet said to keep a new baby’s stomach from swelling. In other countries a man who hammered a nail while his wife was pregnant was thought to be dooming her to a long, painful labor, and if he split wood, he would surely have a child with a cleft lip. Afraid of making his own child blind, an expectant father wouldn’t eat meat from an animal that gives birth to blind young. He also avoided turtles—so that his child would not be born deaf, with deformed limbs (flippers), and anencephalic (with a cone-shaped head).

While it’s pretty doubtful that couvade rituals actually reduced any woman’s childbirth pains or prevented any deformities, they do illustrate an important point: men have been trying to get—and stay—involved in pregnancy and childbirth for thousands of years. As Bronislav Malinowski noted in his 1927 book, Sex and Repression in Savage Society:

Even the apparently absurd idea of couvade presents to us a deep meaning and a necessary function. It is of high biological value for the human family to consist of both father and mother; if the traditional customs and rules are there to establish a social situation of close moral proximity between father and child, if all such customs aim at drawing a man’s attention to his offspring, then the couvade which makes man simulate the birth-pangs and illness of maternity is of great value and provides the necessary stimulus and expression for paternal tendencies. The couvade and all the customs of its type serve to accentuate the principle of legitimacy, the child’s need of a father.

Couvade for Adoptive and ART Dads Too? Yep.

Given that couvade symptoms seem to be an expression of fathers’ desires to get some confirmation of their special status in their children’s lives, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that adoptive fathers often experience them as well. In fact, according to adoption educator Patricia Irwin Johnson, “sympathetic symptoms of pregnancy” are fairly common. “One or both partners may experience repeated, and even predictably scheduled, episodes of nausea,” says Johnson. “Food cravings and significant weight gain are not unusual. One or both may complain of sleep disturbances or emotional peaks and valleys.”

Men who are becoming fathers thanks to IVF or some other ART procedure aren’t immune to couvade symptoms either. In fact, some research suggests that fathers who have (or whose partner has) experienced infertility may actually be more susceptible than dads who conceived naturally. The same may also be true for expectant dads who were adopted as babies.

STAYING INVOLVED

Spilling the Beans

Another thing (this month anyway) that will make the pregnancy seem more real is telling other people about it. By the end of the third month, I’d pretty well gotten over my fears of miscarriage or other pregnancy disasters, and we’d decided it was safe to put the word out to our family and close friends. Somehow just saying “My wife’s pregnant” (I switched to “We’re expecting” a while later) helped me realize it was true.

The decision about when to let other people in on your pregnancy is a big one. Some people are superstitious and opt to put off making the announcement for as long as possible. Others rush to the phone or start emailing, texting, tweeting, and updating their Facebook pages before the urine is even dry on the pregnancy test stick. Even if you’re in the first category, sooner or later you’re going to have to start spreading the word—and the end of the third month is a pretty good time.

There are, of course, advantages and disadvantages to making either an early or a late announcement. For example, if you tell people early, you’ll probably get a lot of support, reassurance, referrals, and hand-me-downs. But after a while you may start looking around for an off switch. If you tell early and something does go wrong, that support will be there for you. On the other hand, retracting good news is not an easy thing to do.

If you decide to tell people later, you’ll have complete control over the information flow. You’ll keep from drowning in advice, but some of that advice might have been good. And if something were to go wrong, you wouldn’t have to worry about retracting the good news, but you wouldn’t have as much of a support network to lean on either.

Ultimately, whom you decide to tell, and in what order, is your own business. But here are a few ideas you might want to keep in mind.

FAMILY

Unless you have some compelling reason not to, you should probably tell your family first. Your close friends will forgive you if they hear about the pregnancy from your Aunt Ida; if it happens the other way around, Aunt Ida may take real offense. There are a few cases, however, when telling your family first might not be a great idea. One couple we knew kept their pregnancy a secret from their friends for five months—and from their family for longer—hoping that the husband’s brother and sister-in-law, who had been trying to get pregnant for years, would succeed in the interim.

FRIENDS

If you do decide to tell your friends first, don’t count on your secret staying a secret for very long—good news travels a lot faster than you might think, and nothing travels faster—or further—than a tweet or a Facebook status update. As in the case of relatives, be considerate of friends who have been trying but who haven’t been as successful as you.

THE OFFICE

You’ll probably want to tell your coworkers and your boss (if you have one) at about the same time as you tell your friends. But remember that society has some pretty rigid work/family rules for men, so be prepared for a less-than-enthusiastic response from some people (see the “Work and Family” section, pages 136–42, for a complete discussion). Whatever you do, though, don’t wait until the last minute to tell the folks at work—especially if you’re planning to take some time off or make any work schedule changes after the birth.

YOUR OTHER CHILDREN

If you have other children, give them plenty of time to adjust to the news. But don’t tell them until after you want everyone else to know. Until they’re over six, kids don’t understand the concept of “keeping a secret.” When she was four, one of my oldest daughter’s big thrills in life was to gleefully whisper in people’s ears things that were supposed to be secrets. In her mind, whispering something didn’t actually count as saying it.

Make a special effort to include your other children as much as possible in the pregnancy experience. Our oldest daughter came with us to most of the doctor appointments and got to hold the Doppler (the thing you hear the fetus’s heartbeat through) and help the doctor measure my wife’s growing belly.

Finally, keep in mind that it’s perfectly normal for expectant siblings to insist that they, too, are pregnant—just like Mommy. Insisting that they’re not may make them feel excluded and resentful of the new baby. This is especially true for little boys.

A FEW SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES

If your partner had a miscarriage and you’re expecting again, the rules (to the extent that there are any) for telling family and friends change somewhat. You might want to tell selected people immediately—you may be craving your family’s or friends’ support, or you may just need someone to be happy for you. Most people, though, want to put it off as long as possible (although in another month or so it’ll be pretty obvious). Here are some common reasons why:

• You may be worried that there could be another miscarriage and don’t want to put yourself through the pain of calling everyone to give them bad news. This is especially true if your partner has had more than one.

• If your partner got pregnant right after a miscarriage, you may worry that other people will think you’re being disrespectful by not grieving longer.

• You may want to wait until you’re over the hump—past the point when the miscarriage happened last time. If you have other kids who know about the previous miscarriage, it’s a good idea to wait until the pregnancy is pretty far along. They may worry about your partner or the new baby, and they might even be afraid that something they did caused the first miscarriage. If you have even the slightest inkling that this is the case, spend some time gently explaining to your other children that they are not responsible at all, that sometimes things happen that we just can’t explain.

Telling friends and family that you’ve decided to adopt, that you’re doing ART, or that you’re using a gestational carrier can also be surprisingly tricky. Some couples are perfectly fine with the idea. But for most, it’s a lot more complicated. To start with, you or your partner might be ashamed at what you might consider the inadequacy of not being able to get pregnant naturally. And then there’s the grief one or both of you may feel. Depending on which options you’re considering, you may have to come to terms with the loss of your dreams of having a biologically related child and keeping your genetic line alive. Or the disappointment at being deprived of the opportunity to go through a pregnancy and birth.

Although you’d think that everyone would be overjoyed at your decision to adopt (or, if you’re using donor sperm or eggs, to tell people about it), that’s not always the case. Some people—especially relatives—might not be too happy that you’re bringing an “outsider” into your family. You have every right to expect your family to respect your decision and treat you and your partner with respect. At the same time, as Patricia Irwin Johnson points out, your family has the right to expect certain things from you:

• Information. They can’t be sensitive about something they don’t understand. You might want to recommend that they read some books on adoption (see Selected Bibliography).

• Sensitivity. You must acknowledge that your decision to adopt might cause some people some pain. Your parents, for example, might be disappointed that they’re not going to become grandparents the “right” way or that a genetic family link has been broken. Like you, they may need some time to mourn the loss of their hopes and dreams.

• Patience. Even if they do have information and a good understanding of adoption, they’re still lagging behind you and your partner in terms of knowledge. So give them some time to catch up and don’t expect instant support and understanding. If someone makes a dumb or insensitive remark about adoption or donor sperm, or anything else, resist the urge to bite her head off. Instead, take her aside and point out the mistake as nicely as you can.

What If You’re Not Married?

Even in the twenty-first century, when it’s the norm for couples to live together before getting married, having a child out of wedlock still raises a lot of eyebrows in some circles. Your most liberal-minded friends and relatives might surprise you by suggesting that you “make an honest woman of her” before the baby comes. Try to keep your sense of humor about these things. You and your partner are grown-ups and capable of making the decisions you think best. And anyway, most unmarried parents-to-be find that their relatives’ joy at the prospect of a new little niece, nephew, or grandchild frequently overshadows those same relatives’ disappointment over your lack of a marriage certificate.

No matter how or when you do it, telling people you’re expecting will open a floodgate of congratulations and advice; after a few weeks, you may wonder what anyone used to talk about at parties before. Just about everyone has something to say about what you should and shouldn’t do now that you’re expecting. You’ll hear delightful stories, horror stories, and just plain boring stories about pregnancy and childbirth. You’ll probably also have to endure endless “jokes” about your masculinity, speculation about who the “real” father is, and questions about what the mailman or the milkman looks like—mostly, unfortunately, from other men. With attitudes like these, is it any wonder that 60 percent of men have at least fleeting doubts as to the true paternity of their children?