Читать книгу Размышления в тему и без - Армине Аракян - Страница 10

I woke up with the sense of its being over. The door to green and intimidatingly beautiful night when the stars were so near while we were sitting on a rocking chair, is closed. The door to my heart-room where I store all our small secrets. Nobody knows about them. Nobody knows that you exist. I never enjoyed keeping this a secret as much as now. It is so much mine that sharing it with anyone destroys a piece of it. I will store our every secret in my heart-room, but will not be able to give it back to you. So forget about them all. Live on. Live on the way you can. Live on without me in your eyes. Without my hands on your pulse. Without your eyes on me. Stop keeping them on me. I do not want to feel them any more. They are false. The falsehood is in your every word and move and effort. Do not need to know anything. I have enough to keep myself going till the end of my days. I have had enough of it all. So much feeling, so much ability to feel, God. Why have you endowed me so much? Why I must feel so much? Why cannot I live like the plants or animals who only follow their voice and do not even stop to care. Make me stop to care and regret for the things not done.

Can you remember my love, how my reflexion in the mirror sheltered yours in the night, when there was only you and me in the small room under the bra light? Can I ever forget your fascinated look at my reflexion, your admiration of possessing it all? Can I ever forget how hard I worked to build it all for us? Can I ever forget how hard it was for me to believe in you and me? And now that I started believing, you are scared as ever. Scared to death… Scared to escape. Advise me my love. What shall I do? Shall I stop believing? Or shall I start hating you for not being able to see what you are doing? Both require too much effort and I am effortless my love. I am effortless. I am tired. I will just be gone. Gone and forgotten. Oh yeah. I know. Not forgotten, because it can never be. I will be haunting you for all your existence? I do not want. I do not want to haunt you. Stop thinking of me. Just let us let it go. It must be stopped. I have lost my architectural skills. The building I made is not perfect. I want to ruin it NOW. I need help. A help from outside… I have built something partial, imperfect, incomplete, faulty, feeble. I was mislead. It happens. NO need to panic. I was just mislead by myself. Do not be scared. You have witnessed my self-destructive love. You have pulled me out. But the addiction is there. You pulled me out, but did not hold me. You saved me for no reason… for no reason my love.