Читать книгу Sherlock Holmes Mystery Magazine #1 - Arthur Conan Doyle - Страница 6
ОглавлениеASK MRS HUDSON, by (Mrs) Martha Hudson
It is both gratifying and a tad onerous that ever since I became landlady to the illustrious Mr. Sherlock Holmes, my life has become richly endowed with incident, and at times is downright adventurous. One may therefore well imagine the enlarged experience that such an association brings an industrious gentlewoman as I hope I may represent myself.
Mr. Holmes’s dear friend Dr John H. Watson has encouraged me to share this store of worldly knowledge with the readers of this apposite periodical. To get things started, he has solicited several queries which I have endeavoured to answer below.
In future, should you wish to seek my advice, address your query to Ask Mrs Hudson at <mrshudson@wildsidepress.com>. Letters may be of a personal or impersonal nature; I am happy to give advice on any topic whatsoever.
Sincerely,
(Mrs) MARTHA HUDSON
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Dear Mrs Hudson,
I am an American, and my cousin is almost forty, lives alone, is meticulous to a fault (I once caught him refolding the guest towels after I had used the lavatory). He shies away from women — in fact, he seems afraid of them. He is a member of the Guilford Choral Society, and enjoys Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. He says his years at a boys’ public school were the best of his life, even though I know the boys were beaten and forced to take cold showers. Is he “peculiar?”
Sincerely, Puzzled in Pembroke
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Dear Puzzled, Don’t worry about your cousin. No, he is not peculiar; he is merely British. Yours, Mrs Hudson
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Dear Mrs Hudson,
My mother in law goes everywhere with us — holidays, shopping trips, even restaurants. To make matters worse, she lives next door and has taken to popping over for tea without being invited. She goes on at length regarding my performance as a wife and housekeeper — I wasn’t even allowed to buy drapes for the bedroom without her advice. When I complain to my husband, he says he only wants to be a good son and that I should be more respectful of my elders.
Ignored in Ipswich
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Dear Ignored:
Here is what you should do: Have your husband transfer his assets to your name, then book a one-way ticket for one to Palermo. Take a train in the middle of the night. Leave no forwarding address. Get an Italian boyfriend. He will be just as attached to his mother, but it will be worth it, as he will be much better in bed.
Ciao,
Mrs Hudson
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Dear Mrs Hudson,
My husband likes to dress in women’s clothing. Should I divorce him?
Doubtful in Dublin
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Dear Doubtful,
Not unless he looks better than you do in heels.
Sincerely,
Mrs Hudson
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Dear Mrs Hudson,
My Labrador retriever Wellington has taken to sleeping in the bed next to me. He’s become so bossy about it, in fact, that my poor husband has to sleep on the couch these days. In fact, if poor Jacques tries to come anywhere near the bed, Wellie growls and snaps at him. What should I do about this?
Snoozing in Sussex
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Dear Snoozing,
Yes, you certainly are. What on earth do you expect when you name a dog after a general who famously defeated Napoleon? Your dog is merely living up to his namesake by re-enacting the battle between England and France, attacking your poor husband, who has the misfortune to have a French name. Your husband may not be much of a man (as I strongly suspect, as he is allowing a Labrador retriever to intimidate him), but he deserves his place beside you in bed. Give away the dog, if you must, but restore your poor beleaguered Jacques to his rightful place before he loses all of his self respect. And for god’s sake, tell the new owners to give the dog a new name! Votre servante, Mrs Hudson
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Dear Mrs Hudson,
I am frightfully sorry to bother you, but you see, my girl went and ran with my old school chum, Charlie. Not that he’s a bad sort, mind you; he’s a regular decent chap, I suppose; a bit of a prankster on the old rugby pitch, you know — he’s just a little fellow, don’t you know, so he played scrum half, only he wasn’t that keen on it — rugger, I mean, so he was always a bit bulloxed. Good fun, really, at the parties afterward. Always had something amusing on his head — lampshades, a plate of salmon mouse, the fullback’s underwear. But I mean, sod it — what a rotter, to go and do something like that! I mean, it does really take a bit of cheek, doesn’t it, to go and pinch a fellow’s girl? The thing is, you see, I’d like to show I’m a good sport and all that by getting them a nice wedding present. Any suggestions?
Stranded in Surrey
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Dear Stranded,
Have you considered cyanide? I believe there’s a sale on just now at Harrods. And for god’s sake, you sound like an upper class ponce. Try talking like a sensible, normal person and maybe your next lady friend won’t leave you for a scrum half.
Cheerio,
Mrs Hudson
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Dear Mrs Hudson, Do onions store well in a root cellar over the winter? Wondering in Woolwich
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Dear Wondering,
Yes, they do. I am including my recipe for onion and wild mushroom tart, which is a great favourite of Mr Holmes and Dr Watson. Wild mushrooms are best, but store bought ones will do
Sincerely,
Mrs Hudson
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MRS HUDSON’S WILD MUSHROOM TART
Pastry dough 1 tablespoon unsalted butter 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
3/4 lb mixed fresh wild mushrooms such as morels,
oyster, and chanterelle, quartered lengthwise
2 tablespoons finely chopped shallot
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
1 tablespoon fresh parsley
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/8 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 cup crème fraîche
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 whole large egg
1 large egg yolk
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Special equipment: a 9-by-1-inch round fluted tart pan with a removable bottom; pie weights or raw rice
Make shell:
Roll out dough on a lightly floured surface with a lightly floured rolling pin into an 11-inch round and fit into tart pan, trimming excess dough. Chill until firm, about 30 minutes.
Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 375°F.
Lightly prick bottom of shell all over with a fork, then line with foil and fill with pie weights. Bake until side is set and edge is pale golden, 18 to 20 minutes. Carefully remove foil and weights and bake shell until bottom is golden, 10 to 15 minutes more.
Cool completely in pan on a rack, about 15 minutes.
Make filling while shell bakes:
Heat butter and oil in a 12-inch heavy skillet over moderately high heat until foam subsides, then sauté mushrooms, shallot, onion, thyme, parsley, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper, stirring frequently, until mushrooms are tender and any liquid given off is evaporated, 8 to 10 minutes. Transfer to a bowl and cool to room temperature.
Whisk together crème fraîche, heavy cream, whole egg, yolk, and remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/8 teaspoon pepper in a medium bowl until combined.
Fill and bake tart:
Reduce oven temperature to 325°F.
Scatter mushrooms evenly in tart shell and pour custard over them. Bake tart in pan on a baking sheet until custard is just set and slightly puffed, 35 to 45 minutes.
Cool tart in pan on rack at least 20 minutes, then remove side of pan. Serve tart warm or at room temperature.
