Читать книгу Sherlock Holmes Mystery Magazine #20 - Arthur Conan Doyle - Страница 6

ASK MRS HUDSON, by (Mrs) Martha Hudson

I have been planning on such a column as the present one for quite a while. Most of the queries I receive understandably display curiosity over my illustrious tenants Mr Holmes and Dr Watson, whereas I am often asked for new recipes and other “tips,” as the Yanks say, about household matters.

But from time to time, affairs both domestic and romantic are raised, and I have been compiling these missives with an eye to devoting an entire essay—this one—to such matters.

* * * *

Dear Mrs Hudson,

For perhaps a year I have been courted by a gentleman considerably younger than myself. This, as you may imagine, is flattering, but I have not put much stock in his ardent youthful expressions … until now, for you see he has quite amazed me by proposing that we marry.

I daresay his proposal is both legitimate and honourable, for he has ever conducted himself in a gentlemanly fashion and has never presumed to liberties that would be, at best, timely; the furthest he has ventured in this direction is to hold my hand.

Well, I am tempted to say yes to him, but hesitate for a few reasons. Firstly, I have no idea in what manner he is employed, and though I am independently well-off, additional income for the purpose of banking regular sums to guard against health emergencies would surely be prudent. But secondly, you see, I have no idea where he lives, nor has he ever mentioned any member of his family. And third and lastly, whilst I find his company quite pleasant, I am afraid I do not share his professed romantic feelings to the extent that he has declared.

You may wonder that his age—for he is much younger than I—does not constitute a fourth misgiving, but I am generally said to be quite comely, and as stated above, I am sufficiently wealthy to be no man’s burden.

But I have never entered into any serious relationship before this, and thus have never married; since you have done both, it is to you I turn with the utmost trust.

Yours faithfully,

Amanda Worthington

* * * *

Dear Miss Worthington,

I do not wish to alarm you, but what you tell me concerning this young man disturbs me considerably. It sounds to me as if he is a confidence trickster who is after your money. However, in the event that he is both genuine and sincere, I should not act precipitately. If you’ve a mind to wed the gent, tell him your acquiescence depends on knowing more about him. To begin with, he must show you his “digs”… though an adept criminal will manage that convincingly. You should also inquire about his parents and siblings, but above all else, you must know what he does for a living and where he works. I stress most emphatically the importance of this final matter.

It is quite conceivable that these demands may send him away on the instant. Yet even if he provides the answers you seek, there is still the possibility that he is weaving a tissue of falsehood. Since you are a woman of means, I urge you to employ a private investigator to root out the truth. (Of course I cannot recommend Mr Holmes to help you; he does not involve himself in this sort of “case”).

Most sincerely,

Mrs (Martha) Hudson

* * * *

My Good Mrs Hudson—

My wife has just left me for another man. What shall I do? I still love her.

Broken-hearted in Brixton

* * * *

Dear Broken-Hearted,

Let me utter my sincere condolences for your sad plight. I do hope, at least, that there are no children involved in this unfortunate turn of events. Assuming that there are not, you should muster up patience for Dr Watson, who knows much more than Mr Holmes about affairs of the heart (except when they lead to blackmail or murder), once told me that the average affair runs its course in about three months, after which the novelty has worn off and each of the amatory partners suffer deep regret and wish to effect some sort of reconciliation with the person they cheated on. If indeed you do love her as much as you say, accept her return without recriminations and double your amatory attentions, if at all possible. She will be ever so grateful and unlikely to repeat her indiscretion… but if she does cheat on you again, you must steel yourself to get over her somehow!

But if children are involved, your first duty must be to protect them, both as their father and as their legal guardian. Whilst I caution you not to say anything derogatory about their mother to them, I strongly advise you to seek the advice of a domestic attorney. Mr Holmes knows an excellent one who will exact a modest fee upon my tenant’s say-so.

Sincerely,

Mrs (Martha) Hudson

* * * *

Dear Mrs Hudson,

Would you mind telling us something about your late (presumably) husband?

Curious in Carfax

* * * *

Dear Curious,

Yes, I would mind.

Mrs Hudson

* * * *

Dear Mrs Hudson,

My late husband John Jasper Weems died recently and would have left me penniless but for the generous life insurance payment that my solicitor recently received.

Unfortunately, this worthies’s offices have been broken into a few weeks ago and all of the monies stored there have been lifted, even though it was all kept in a state-of-the-art safe.

Have you any advice? I am at a loss as to what I may do, and my bills are accruing at an alarming rate!

Desperately,

Mrs (Elizabeth) Weems

* * * *

Dear Elizabeth,

I hope you do not mind my addressing you by your first name, but I am touched, troubled—and quite alarmed—at your fiscal predicament. Kindly brace yourself for some shocking news…

Your husband is not dead! He is a criminal with whom Mr Holmes is quite familiar. Indeed, he was imprisoned for many years for a crime identical in nature to the one that “Mr Weems” has perpetrated upon you. (I have placed his name in parentheses because his real name is Jacob Moran. He is the younger and estranged brother of the infamous Colonel Moran, who is employed by a man Mr Holmes cautions me not to name).

Rest assured that Moran soon will be brought to justice, at which time what is rightfully yours shall be restored to you. Mr Holmes is about to apprehend him. He says I should tell you that he will not charge for his services, for he was already “on the case.” Though if you wish, a small gift would be appreciated; pipe tobacco is always welcome, but if you decide upon this, kindly avoid the more aromatic blends that Mr Holmes enjoys to the discomfort of me and Dr Watson!

I trust your heart shall weather this unexpected turn of events.

Trusting in Your Good Sense

Mrs (Martha) Hudson

* * * *

In my column in the nineteenth issue of this magazine, I said that I would honour requests to share mixed drink recipes I have concocted for me and my tenants. Here are four of them. Three involve blended scotch, which Dr Watson is fond of, though he generally drinks it neat. Scotch does not mix well with most cocktail ingredients.

For the last recipe, I had to do a bit of research. My church asked me to prepare a libation for a fund-raising party. I came upon Fisherman’s Punch though it why it is called that, I have no idea. Do be warned! It goes down ever so easily—and therein lies the danger; it is like the theatrical works of James M Barrie, that dear Scottish playwright, whose compositions are the proverbial iron fist in a velvet glove.

SCOTCH AND DUBONNET

2 oz. of blended scotch

1 oz. of red Dubonnet

3 dashes of orange bitters

1 1. Ice a cocktail shaker.

2 2. Strain all liquids into the shaker.

3 3. Add an orange twist.

* * * *

ARTHUR’S SWEET

The name of this drink is based on Edinburgh’s old mountain Arthur’s Seat.

1 oz. of blended scotch

¾ oz. of cherry brandy

1 oz. of fresh orange juice

¾ oz. of sweet vermouth

1 1. Ice a cocktail shaker.

2 2. Add all liquids to the shaker.

3 3. Shake well.

4 4. Strain into an appropriate glass.

5 5. Add a cherry.

* * * *

LOCH NESS BREW

2 oz. of blended scotch

1 bottle of ginger beer

¾ oz. of lime juice

1 1. Fill a highball glass with ice.

2 2. Place the lime juice and scotch into the glass.

3 3. Fill the remainder of the glass with ginger beer.

4 4. Stir the liquids.

5 5. Add a slice of lime.

* * * *

FISHERMAN’S PUNCH

1 bottle of blended scotch (avoid the peatier ones)

1 bottle of apricot brandy

1 small bottle of armagnac (cognac is also usable)

½ bottle of green ginger wine

1 bottle of champagne

1 1. In a large punch-bowl place a great quantity of ice.

2 2. Add apricot brandy, armagnac, scotch and ginger wine

3 3. Fill to half the bowl’s capacity with plain soda.

4 4. Chill the mixture till just before serving.

5 5. Add champagne and stir.